Advice needed please

[goofydad621]

Ok so my DW and DD and I are going to WDW next January. My wife and I have talked it over and we want to invite our DD best friend to come with us. Our daughter has only been to the parks with us and it would be great for her to be able to bring a friend along, we get along with this girl great and always tell her she is like a daughter to us. We are friends with her parents and her younger sister. This is where it gets difficult her younger sister as autism spectrum disorder / Aspergers and the parents are afraid how the younger sister will react if the older sister gets to go to WDW. I was talking to the dad yesterday after church and he said that he just doesn’t know what to do. Does not want to stop the older from the experience but does not want the younger to go sideways for a week or longer. He said if I could find any advice to please share it with him. Even if I thought the younger could handle it and we could afford to pay for both of them to go the dynamic would be off, on 2 person rides there would always be the odd person out, there is 3 years age difference between siblings so our daughter would not hang out with her anyway in most normal circumstances.
They know because of their financial and health conditions (dad has MS) that most likely they wil not be able to bring the kids in the future. I would never second guess their decision as they know their family and situation the best, they are feeling stuck on how to make a decision.
Anybody have any ideas or incite?
Thanks for reading this and any advice you may be able give
Dave Goofydad Dionne

 

[gemini2727]

I feel for the parents...it seems like there is no good answer. They must hate to tell their older daughter that she can't have the opportunity to go with you, especially if their family may never go themselves, but imagine how the younger child will feel when she is left out. It would be a lot to handle for any child...
If it were me, I probably would decline the invitation. It would be different, I think, if there was a chance of the younger child going herself one day, but that doesn't seem to be the case
Hopefully the kids aren't aware of these discussions, so that no harm is done if they decide she shouldn't go, otherwise there will be trouble either way!

 

[lanejudy]

Well, I hope this doesn't come across wrong, but it's really an issue for the other family to decide and deal with. Wonderful that you are willing to offer advice you find, but I don't think you should feel obligated to "fix" the situation. Siblings - special needs or not - need to learn that they will not always be able to have the same experiences in life. My sis was invited to WDW with a friend when she was a teen, but the rest of us (3 younger sibs) were not included and our parents never thought to limit her experience because we might be "jealous" or missing her. I didn't get to WDW until 20-some years later when I was an adult. In all honestly, I don't think it helps either child to insist or expect that they always have the same opportunities or experiences. What about school field trips? Yes, often the same trip is repeated each year and the younger will get a chance to go then, but sometimes those things change. I just don't understand parents limiting opportunities for 1 child because another might not have opportunity for the same experience either now or later.

I would suggest that the other family plan something locally with the child who's staying home. A trip to a local museum, zoo, or even a mall - something that's going to be "extra special" for that child to do alone with mom & dad. Dinner out. Maybe one night at a local hotel where she can go swimming. Maybe an extra visit to grandma and grandpa. Whatever they feel she can handle and would consider "special." As the parent of a special needs child, I recognize the extra effort that will go into explaining/preparing the younger sis to get through the week without big sis, but in the long run it will be better for both girls.

Enjoy your vacation!

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

As harsh as this sounds, this is a problem the other family has to learn to deal with. They would likely have the same issue if the younger daughter wasn't autistic. Perhaps it would help to plan some special activities for the younger daughter during this time, and I would not be letting her know about the trip this far in advance.

It's very stressful to have a special needs sibling. Let the older sister have some fun on her own.

OOPS - sniped by the above poster. Good advice.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Maybe the friend's parents could make that week a special week for the little sister? Lots of attention and special activities.

I was the younger sister of an older brother with special needs. I didn't get to do a lot of things when I was growing up because my brother couldn't do them and they didn't want to upset him.

What finally changed my parents' minds was when they saw that I was starting to resent my brother. They knew that I would have a long relationship with him as his guardian after they had passed on, and if I resented him I wouldn't be a very good guardian.

They also decided that it was better for them to deal with the stress and meltdowns when he couldn't go somewhere in order for him to learn that life isn't always fair and equal. They knew that they wouldn't be around forever and that others wouldn't keep him sheltered from the inequalities of life like they would. They also felt it wasn't fair to deny me something because they didn't want to deal with him.

So my parents finally started taking me places and letting me go places without him. Yes there were some tears and tantrums and tense days, but no one was permanently traumatized. He understands now that he gets to do a lot of things that I don't get to (the group home he now lives in goes on field trips weekly) and he never brings up the things I got to do without him. He learned a valuable lesson and I got the chance to be a regular kid without my brother's disability turning into my disability too.

Not sure if that helps OP. it is just my experience growing up as the "normal" kid with a special sibling. In talking with other siblings in my situation, it is a very common problem. Even if they don't let their set DD go on the trip, they need to be very conscious of trying to keep things fair between the girls. I know they feel bad that the younger one has more struggles to live in the world. But by trying to make things "fair" for her, they are making things unfair for her sister. Yes, the older sister needs to understand that the world doesn't revolve around her and to be compassionate for her sister. But she doesn't have to be living that lesson 24/7/365. Every once in a while she needs to be a kid, not a kid with a special needs sibling.

 

[akcire]

To me it sounds like the family will decline due to parental guilt that they can't take their younger daughter. Which is a shame. Different children at different stages of their life's get to have different opportunities. As the youngest in our larger family I often missed out on things because I was too young. Some of those things I got to experience as I got old enough others I missed out all together because the opportunity was no longer available. It was life. I got to do other thing some of the rest if the family did not.

The younger daughter could certainly have extra family time while the older is away. The father may be dreading time without the older daughter to help out-pure speculation but if dad has MS and a special needs daughter I'm guessing the other girl helps out.

Ultimately there's nothing you can tell the dad. They either take you up on the offer or not. In no way would it motivate me to invite the younger sibling.

Dollars to doughnuts. If they turn you down, they will feel badly and try to have you bring her later. Having a special needs sibling should not mean your world has to be dictated by the disability. Unfortunately many times other siblings suffer all the attention and accommodations made for the special needs kid.

 

[bopper]

Is the younger daughter's issue that her sister won't be at home for a week or that she doesn't get to go to WDW?
If the latter, don't tell her where sis is going.

Can their family go to WDW too?

I agree that taking the little sister would be too much for you to take on.

Another thing for them to think about is how will this affect the kids in the long run?

If the older one doesn't know of this plan, then there are no long term consequences.

If the older one does know, and they say no, she will be resentful for a long time.

If the older one does know, and they say yes, she will be happy. If the younger sister does not know, then she may be annoyed for a week but then ok.

If the older one does know, and they say yes, she will be happy. If the younger sister does know, then she may be annoyed for a week and then???.

 

[goofydad621]

Thanks Everybody

I have to say that the older sibling is a great big sister and always looks out for the younger one. This summer my wife and I are taking the younger one to teh aquarium in Boston for a fun day for her, We have taken the older one on a few trips like that. I understand the youngers episodes when she gets ramped up and I can sit with her an dtalk her down most times.

Nothing has been said in front of any of the kids so far. We don't want our daughter to have any hard feelings if her friend can't go and nothing in front of friend as that would be to hard for her to know that opertunity was available and not being aloud to go.

Thanks again
Dave

 

[bopper]

The other thing I would tell them is for them to think about the times that the older one didn't get to do something because of the younger...do they want to restrict the older one to only do things that the younger one is capable of?

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

As long as no one gets out of line, you may want to show the thread to the parents. It may help them gain some perspective, if not for this opportunity, then for the next one. It's got to be tough being parents in this situation. I know it has taken a till on my parents, but they truly consider both of us and our differences blessings.

 

[zoom8942]

As long as no one gets out of line, you may want to show the thread to the parents. It may help them gain some perspective, if not for this opportunity, then for the next one. It's got to be tough being parents in this situation. I know it has taken a till on my parents, but they truly consider both of us and our differences blessings.

I am a nurse for special needs children. In my experience the siblings of special needs kids get onthe back burner.not always intentionally,but mon the less life revolves around the one who meeds the most attention. Every child needs the one on one or special treatment. Maybe it could be a reward for her being such a big help with her sister. It cant be her job forever to keep her sister happy. Eventually she will grow up and want to do her own thing. We always try to take our kids friends. It's a great way to introduce kids to the mouse that would never have the chance. Hope they do not turn down this awesome opportunity

 

[buffettgirl]

Siblings of kids with special needs or illness often feel like they get the short end of the stick. This is something that those of us with multiple children need to work on and be cognizant of.

In this instance, this is really an issue for your friend's family to work out on their own, but IMO, they're in for a heck of a sibling rebellion later on if the older one always has her wants and needs and desires placed second to the other sister. I try to tell parents that I mentor to think what they would do if they had two 'typical' children. Would you say to the older "you can't go because your sister will be sad." Usually that answer is a resounding no.

There are just SO many times when you have a child with special needs that that child's needs do have to come first, there's just no way around that. So we all have to really make an extra effort to make sure that our other children don't get lost.

 

[cgncga]

Ok so my DW and DD and I are going to WDW next January. My wife and I have talked it over and we want to invite our DD best friend to come with us. Our daughter has only been to the parks with us and it would be great for her to be able to bring a friend along, we get along with this girl great and always tell her she is like a daughter to us. We are friends with her parents and her younger sister. This is where it gets difficult her younger sister as autism spectrum disorder / Aspergers and the parents are afraid how the younger sister will react if the older sister gets to go to WDW. I was talking to the dad yesterday after church and he said that he just doesn’t know what to do. Does not want to stop the older from the experience but does not want the younger to go sideways for a week or longer. He said if I could find any advice to please share it with him. Even if I thought the younger could handle it and we could afford to pay for both of them to go the dynamic would be off, on 2 person rides there would always be the odd person out, there is 3 years age difference between siblings so our daughter would not hang out with her anyway in most normal circumstances.
They know because of their financial and health conditions (dad has MS) that most likely they wil not be able to bring the kids in the future. I would never second guess their decision as they know their family and situation the best, they are feeling stuck on how to make a decision.
Anybody have any ideas or incite?
Thanks for reading this and any advice you may be able give
Dave Goofydad Dionne

Our family dynamic is very similar to that of your daughter's friend. We have 2 daughters, a 12 year old and then a 9 year old (with high functioning autism). As some of the other posters have said, my elder daughter has to give up on a lot of activities that her friends do because of her younger sister.

When she gets the chance to do something with one of her friends, we very rarely say "no". She needs the chance to do things without her sister and to do things that her sister can't do. Our younger daughter isn't always happy about this, but my elder daughter isn't always happy about the restrictions that having a sister with autism places on her, either. We figure that's a part of life that they will both have to learn to deal with.

Now, my eldest has never been invited to join a friend at somewhere as exciting as Disney, but as long as we were comfortable with her friend's family and the trip didn't interfere with school, we would probably say "yes" to an invitation like that and try to use her trip as a learning experience for her sister, too.

Catherine, Mom to two girls (one with autism, epilepsy and low vision)

 

[joanchris]

I have two daughters, both love Disney. We went on a wish trip in 2005 for my older daughter. We went in 2008, my older daughter never even got on Disney property, she ended up in emergency surgery less than 24 hours after arriving in Orlando, and spent 8 days inpatient in Orlando (and another week when we got home).
In 2010 my younger daughter was invited to go to Disney with a friend. We let her go. My older daughter is quite disabled, and could not have put up too much of a fuss, since, physically, she cannot. We did our best to do something special with her while her sister was gone, but we also didn't make a HUGE deal of her sister going when she wasn't.
We finally all made it back to Disney for Christmas this past year, and it was a trip based around my older daughter, who had only been in 2005.
Having a child with special needs is difficult, and that child takes a lot of time and effort, sometimes takes time away from the OTHER sibling. We do our best to compensate when we can. I cannot imagine telling my younger daughter that she could not go because her sister couldn't go (and missed the last family trip). As badly as I feel for the sibling not able to go, I feel very much that the sibling who is invited deserves this chance to go.
I realize this is a difficult situation, I hope the family can find a way to come to a decision that works.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

I don't understand. I get that Disney is special and all but there's no way the younger daughter gets to do every single thing the older one does or will do. How would they react if the younger sibling was put out because she doesn't get to ride the same school bus or wear the same shirt or get invited to the same birthday party?

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I know some folks who have two daughters. One has Asperger's, one does not. The one with Asperger's is the older of the two and is drop dead, model gorgeous. The one without Asperger's is cute and pretty, but doesn't have the quality that makes people stop and look at her on the street. The one with Asperger's is also a math genius, while the one without is just an all around smart kid.

For their whole lives, the one with Asperger's has been denied opportunities for kids with Asperger's because they couldn't extend similar opportunities to the one without. The one without Asperger's has been denied opportunities with friends because the one with Asperger's wasn't invited.

The one without Asperger's was expected to take care of her sister and to be the mature sister and just accept that she wasn't as pretty or as smart as her "special" sister, because she was the normal one. The one with Asperger's was never given social skills tutoring or helped to learn how to deal with special issues she might have and her behavioral issues were excused.

They are now attending separate colleges nowhere near each other, but are beginning to rebuild their relationship and both are distancing themselves rapidly from their parents, who just don't get why their daughters dislike and resent them so much.

Every situation is different, but your issue resonates with me because of those two girls. In a perfect world, parents in this situation would realize that their daughters will each have different opportunities and allow them to have those opportunities.

You're not being unkind in bringing one daughter and not taking the other. The other daughter, hopefully, will have opportunities (there are away camps just for Asperger's kids, for example) that her sister doesn't have. It's the parents who need to accept this and teach their daughters this before their daughters grow up and resent them for not allowing them to have their own, special opportunities.

Just my .02 from watching that poor family and knowing those parents will never really understand why their daughters have become distant as adults.