Advice needed on teenagers, dating and curfews!

[NHdisneylover]

There have been stories of irate parent of underage girl reporting older (18+) boyfriend for rape if they had sex...maybe?

I could sort of understand that if the OP'S DH was the boy's father, but he is the younger girl's father.

So, if OP's DH wants to be sure no irate parent causes problems for the boy, well then, OP'S DH can just not cause problems for the young man his daughter is dating, right?

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd18 started dating her current boyfriend as a junior, and he's a year older. No real curfew during the week, was home no later than 10, around 11:30 on the weekends (she would tell me where she was going, I'd say "be home by ___"). No bedtime (none of mine have one now, although I will tell the 12 year olds to go to bed if it's after 10 on a weekday).

They are still together, going to college 5 hours away from each other (they visit). I am very surprised, since I assumed they'd break up when he started college.

Ds16 really doesn't have a weekday curfew, but again, is home by 10. He doesn't have a weekend curfew, but is home by midnight. He doesn't drive yet (17 here), so he relies on friends, so he comes home when they come home. His girlfriend is also a junior, drives, so she brings him home if they are out together.

 

[okeydokey]

No hard and fast time for curfews. It really depends on the situation and where they are going. It's all situational. We have told our kids that we will trust them until they give us a reason not to.

 

[MomofKatie]

DD is 16 and a junior in HS. She attends boarding school 150 miles away from us, so there is no way we could enforce any sort of curfew on her. Luckily, she has always been very responsible and independent, so she balances her own bedtime, study time, and socializing time.

The school has rules and regulations that are probably more strict than we would be. Weeknights, the students have to be on campus by sundown, and they can't go off campus alone, ever. They have housekeeping every evening from 8-8:30, and they must be on hall by 10:30. In room curfew is midnight, and the lights and WiFi go off at 1am.

As for dating, most kids hang out on campus most of the time. There are strict rules that forbid boys from visiting girls' halls and vice versa, except for chaperoned hours once a month. There are also rules about excessive PDA. Now, I'm not totally naïve, I know kids. If someone wants to have sexual contact, they will find a place and way to have it. Luckily, DD is not interested in a serious relationship yet. The school is just junior and senior years, so there isn't a huge age range for the kids. DD is one of the youngest (she was 15 at the beginning of the school year) and the oldest seniors are just turning 19.

Finally, the whole driving and car dating question is moot- the kids are forbidden cars on campus (or within 10 miles of campus). So nobody drives, at least during the school year.

When she is home, we don't enforce a bedtime or curfew. She keeps in touch with us and lets us know what she is doing and when she will be home. We take everything on a case-by-case basis. She has never given us cause to mistrust her. I think that it would be silly of us to try to enforce a strict curfew when she is home- she has already had a taste of independent living, and has ben very successful balancing sleep, study, and socializing. Her grades and extracurricular activities are both better and more extensive than when she was at home.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, this is one of those situations where there is a WIDE range of what people might do, and consider acceptable!!! So, it is kind of up to you and what you know what would be best for your kid and your family.

Just my take... Parent of a teenaged boy.
He has not done too much dating.
But OMG!!!! The really serious and heavy drama that he hears from some aquaintances!!!!

Anyhow, for now, I think he knows his limits, and is still deciding that he wants to proceed slowly. (I must be blessed!!!!)

Here is how it would work here...
A 15 year old dating... like one-on-one dating... wouldn't happen.
My thoughts are that once the teen is 16, has a drivers license, and has shown some level (no matter how small!!! ) of common sense or maturity. They hey, their social life is more of their own, and dating would be fair game. No sense trying to control what one can't control.

A 15 year old girl, and an 18 year old boy...
I also probably would not be very comfortable with that.

If May comes along, the kid has a full drivers license, has shown ability to look out for their best interests... and the actual number age-years in the age difference were two years, then I think it pays to be a stong and sensible parent, and the kid is going to find a way to do what they want to do... And just be ready to step in if it does become necessary.

About curfew...
Days start early around here.
Very early!
For both my husband and my son.
It is lights out around here by 10:00 during the week.
No matter what.
No way would I have a 15 year old child traipsing in and out and coming and going any later than that. Even earlier, unless there is an actual reason (event) that might make the later hour necessary.

So, hey, that is my .000002 cents, for what it's worth!

 

[MickeySP]

My son is 16 and dates a girl in his grade who turns 16 in a month. He just got his license and a new truck for his birthday. The girl's father won't let her ride in his truck with him for a full year unitl he turns 17. His kid, his rules. This I know. But it really pushes my buttons. Who does he think my boy is?

Like a previous poster said there will be as many responses to the op's question as there are teens in the world. All I know is, we trust our boy. He gets straight A's in all honors classes, plays varsity sports, plays in the band, etc. We trust him to abide by our family's rules when he is away from us. Curfew is 10 on weekdays and 12 on weekends. He can take his truck on dates... but he would have to find a new girlfriend for that.

My bold - he thinks, no he knows your DS is a normal teenager(boys or girls) that are easily distracted when new to driving. We have a law here that teens can't even use cell phones, not just text. It is for a specific reason. Also they can't non-siblings underage in the car for 6 months. I don't think he thinks your DS is gonna jump your DD, I think he is trying to keep both from becoming the next tragic news headline.

As far as dating, I think it sounds fine as long as both you & DH can get on same page & keep the lines of communication open. I am betting your DH sees his little 2yo babay when he looks at DD, not the young woman she is becoming. It is harder for Dads to let go, IMO.

 

[Happy Snowman]

I don't know what is so magic about the age 16. For kids unfortunate enough to be the youngest in the class or on the younger side, are they really less responsible sophomores vs their friends with November birthdays? I guess we never got too caught up on how old they are and just went by what they were ready for....not what WE were ready for.

 

[Wishing on a star]

He thinks your son is a new driver, with a new car and he is concerned about his daughter

Yes, this.....
Coming from the parent of a teen boy, who is wanting to out and about in his dad's truck (which he drives more than his dad!)
I agree with this completely.

The girl is still 15.
And, I am guessing that given some time, if the parents got to know your son and see that he seems responsible, and a responsible driver, they may give a little.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Yes, this.....
Coming from the parent of a teen boy, who is wanting to out and about in his dad's truck (which he drives more than his dad!)
I agree with this completely.

The girl is still 15.
And, I am guessing that given some time, if the parents got to know your son and see that he seems responsible, and a responsible driver, they may give a little.

We never set rules on who our kids could ride with....they could figure it out on their own after about 10 seconds in a car with them . We gave kids unlimited access to our cars because we knew what kind of drivers they were...solved any problems. Our kids STILL won't drive with some of their friends 5+ years of driving experience later.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't know what is so magic about the age 16.

I agree that there is nothing 'magic' about the age of 16.
Same as the age of 18.

But, yes, the fact that they and their friends are now legally becoming licensed drivers, is a huge factor. (Not that I would consider this the ONLY factor. But it is a factor that I think carries some weight.)

The age of 18, of course, carries even more basic and legal weight.
A legal adult is a legal adult.

The laws on these two things to do not take individual readiness into consideration.

 

[Wishing on a star]

We never set rules on who our kids could ride with....

Neither have we....
And, I never have had to even consider that kind of thing with my son, either. Never said that I have.

And your approach is what seems appropriate to you.

What I was saying is that, to be out, dating, on your own, one on one, I would prefer that this waited until my kid was a more mature 16 year old licensed driver.

I think I am just seeing things and factors here a little differrently than you might be.

 

[SydSim]

The girl's father won't let her ride in his truck with him for a full year unitl he turns 17. His kid, his rules. This I know. But it really pushes my buttons. Who does he think my boy is?

When my D got her license and was finally able to drive alone, I did not allow her to drive her friends for many, many months (and didn't allow her to ride with newly licensed friends). Driving alone, without me or DH to advise/direct was a transition that I felt took some time getting used to. No harm, no foul here.

 

[NAB]

Is this a bed time enforced by you?

I have a 17 year old and have no idea when he goes to bed. He doesn't get home until 7 or 8pm from sports/after school activities. Then is doing homework/studying for hours. I am pooped and hit the hay way before he goes to bed Oh, to be young again.

Well it is a starting point , if there is a hockey game or football game ending he can watch.

Studying and homework...we fight about that all the time , he doesn't do it. I have banged my head on the wall enough there , I can only do so much

He does have a job so sometimes he does have to work until 11:30 so it is not set in stone. Weekends he stays up and in the basement playing games , we tell him usually 1:00 . Like I said he has a job he has to get to.

Trust is our big issue with him...we have his passwords for his social media so we see what is going on. To tell you the truth he is not mature enough to date . And girls in his grade know this so he goes for the younger girls which scares me. Everyone loves him and he is a great kid. But again he is a teenager with raging hormones and wants us to believe he knows it all.

 

[Sabeking]

When my D got her license and was finally able to drive alone, I did not allow her to drive her friends for many, many months (and didn't allow her to ride with newly licensed friends). Driving alone, without me or DH to advise/direct was a transition that I felt took some time getting used to. No harm, no foul here.

That's is what we are doing with our older daughter as well. It would not be a matter of trusting the boy because of his character but the fact of the limited driving experience. My DD has had here license 2 months...she responsible, sensible, blah, blah, yada, yada and hit the stinking garage the other day. No, you won't be driving anyone for awhile!

 

[AustinTink]

For the record, to everyone who replied to my post with concerns about the "new driver". He got his permit just after his 15th birthday and drove me and his father everywhere from that day forward. He drove everyday for a year before getting his driver's license on his 16th birthday.

He would not be out on the road by himself now if I didn't think he was 100% ready. And believe me I care a heck of a lot more about him than any kid that sets foot in his truck.

The girl's father is being ridiculous, in my opinion, but that's his problem.

 

[AustinTink]

We have a law here that teens can't even use cell phones, not just text. It is for a specific reason. Also they can't non-siblings underage in the car for 6 months.

Austin is fully hands-free now by law. His car is equipped with bluetooth in the steering wheel for him to call me and tell me when he is on the way home. Texas law allows one non-sibling to ride in the car with a licensed driver 16 years of age.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I understand!

But, also as a parent. (of a teenaged boy)
I think we have to be careful about thinking that any other not-unreasonable parenting decisions that do not mirror our own make the parents 'ridiculous'.

 

[AustinTink]

I understand!

But, also as a parent. (of a teenaged boy)
I think we have to be careful about thinking that any other not-unreasonable parenting decisions that do not mirror our own make the parents 'ridiculous'.

I know you are right. i just feel badly for my boy. He was so excited to take this little girl out on a date. It really hurt his feelings.

 

[Sabeking]

For the record, to everyone who replied to my post with concerns about the "new driver". He got his permit just after his 15th birthday and drove me and his father everywhere from that day forward. He drove everyday for a year before getting his driver's license on his 16th birthday.

He would not be out on the road by himself now if I didn't think he was 100% ready. And believe me I care a heck of a lot more about him than any kid that sets foot in his truck.

The girl's father is being ridiculous, in my opinion, but that's his problem.

You said you care more for your son than any other kid that sets foot in his truck. I would think the parents of the girl probably care more about her than how well you think he drives. Same feelings. You said, his problem. Somehow I don't think this is a problem for them.

 

[Colleen27]

My 17yo's curfew for the last couple years has been 10 on school nights, 12 on weekends.

"Dating" is a sort of interesting issue from what I've seen so far with my teens - between the number of families who delay letting their kids start driving and the restrictions on passengers for the newly licensed, teens don't go on dates the way my generation did. They might walk to the movies or DQ when the weather is decent, but mostly they get together at one house or the other to play video games, watch videos, and hang out. DS will take the bus home with his girlfriend and they do their homework together or she'll walk home from school with him, and that's most of their interaction.

As far as the age difference goes I wouldn't worry about it. As others have said, the odds of the relationship lasting until he's in college are pretty slim. And an 18yo high school kid is no different from a 17yo high school kid, for all practical purposes.