Advice Needed On FAMILY Issues

[koziclan]

I've been trying to firgure out the best way to handle this for close to a year now. Obviously my way is not working because it is still bothering me. I need some advice.

Here is the issue...Last year my parents paid for 10 (me,dh,2 kids, sister, bil,son,mom, dad, aunt) of us to go to WDW. Since I know the most about WDW I was the planner. I know, that was my first mistake!

I had a touring plan for my family (me, dh & kids). I gave everyone a copy and told them this is what WE were doing if they wanted they could come along. Dinners were the only thing that we were definately doing together.

Day 1 - I hear my BIL making comments under his breath. So that night I asked my sister if he was okay with going around with us. She assured me he was fine and I told her again that they didn't have to do what we were doing.

Day 2 - turned around at the turnstile they were gone. Okay, we proceed with the plan. At dinner, I get accused of just leaving them. Okay, misunderstanding.

Day 3 - We get off K. Safari and my nephew proceeds to scream "Aunt Jodi you're ruining my vacation" over and over. I ignore it. But as we walk I get madder and madder. He is 4 and just got off a safari ride....I wasn't even sitting close to him....Why would he say that???? They must have been saying it as they were walking. So, DH & I decide to call it a day. Sister is behind us somewhere so we wait to tell her we are leaving. Well she blows up at me about how he can't stop the see the fish.blah...blah blah... I say "I'm sorry I don't want to ruin you vacation" with attitude. BIL tells me to shut up. I turn and walk away. More grumblings from him. I tell them to just cancel their dining reservations. He calls me some very vulgar, profane names (in the middle of AK). My DH stears me out of the park. Sister goes the other way. We meet up with parents. Who have witnessed the whole exchange and are not happy. Sister comes back and starts running her mouth. I didn't have much to say to her so she leaves.

She canceled the remaining ADR's and everytime we saw them he continued to make his comments only now they were loud enough for you to hear.

Here where I need advice. My BIL and I have not spoken or been together since. I have never formally excluded him from anything but I don't want him at my house. He hasn't gone to anything that my other realatives have had either. My sister and I have never talked about it. This trip was just the icing on the cake for me & him. He just really crossed the line. Not so much for how he treated me but my parents. He had no respect for the people that paid thousands of dollars just to see thier grandchildren experience WDW together.

Everytime the family gets together I am on pins and needles wondering if he will be there. I know I won't make a scene but I'm not so sure about him.
My nephew's birthday is coming up and it's my turn to decline.

Should I open up a bag of worms and tell her how I feel about him or just let things continue as they are?


Any thoughts???

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You are a nicer person than I am. I would have had it out with my sister already. Her DH was way out of line. Her son was also rude and disrespectful. I don't care if he was 4 or not. Your sister should have told him to quit it and to apologize. I would not be on pins and needles. He should be. If he choses to make a scene then so be it. Everyone else obviously knows he is a weenie. Be confident, stand strong, and don't let them bully you. That is what they are both doing. Bullying. Good luck.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Ain't family fun?!? I haven't spoken to my parents or sister (and family) since she invited herself on our Disney vaca, and I asked her not to come (long story, shes very pushy, and I wanted this first disney vacation for my girls, and my girls alone). Since then, no one has spoken, there have been several birthdays and holidays, and still no contact. If hes such a jerk (and your sister as well) and can't communicate like a normal human being, I say drop them. If you want to go to the party, then do so - give your gift, eat your cake and leave. Be the bigger person - if he starts making comments over a dumb trip that was almost a year ago, just leave, hes not worth it. Sorry if my opinion is harsh, but I'm done dealing with horrible family members - my family is full of them, and I'd rather not be around them than be walking on egg shells for the rest of my life.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Why would you let this fester for this long? Pick up the phone, call your sister, and ask her what the problem is. My guess would be that her husband was not thrilled about spending his vacation with his in-laws to begin with, and used your scheduling as an excuse to be cranky and never have to do it again. A 4 year old will repeat what he hears...do you think he came up with you ruining his vacation on his own? Doubt it.

But seriously, not speaking over dinner and schedules at Disney? Resolve it now. My father was one of those people that if you made him mad, he just wrote you off for dead. So as a consequence, we grew up not speaking to an entire side of the family. I had grandparents that lived less than 40 minutes away, he stopped speaking to them when I was about 5 or 6, and we never saw them again. They have both since passed. I also had lots of cousins, aunts and uncles on that side of the family that were not invited to my birthday parties or for any holidays when I was young. They were my only cousins since my mother was an only child. Would've been nice to have then around, but unfortunately that choice was not mine.

 

[Captain_Hook]

my 2cents:

I don't think you should to express how you feel about you BIL to your DS. I can't see it serving any purpose other than potentially alienating your sister from you. Frankly, he's her husband -- she chose (for whatever reason) to marry him and you really don't have to like him.

If he were adult enough (sounds like he isn't) to have a discussion about his behavior (not your feelings), I'd say go for it. If you wanted to talk to DS about her behavior or her son's, I'd say go for it. I just don't see anything good coming from talking to DS about BIL. It could even create problems between the two of them. **I say "not your feelings" because I don't see how you could possibly get BIL or DS to understand how you feel about him and you may end up even more frustrated. (Hope that makes sense.)

Additionally -- I would not let BIL's possible mis-behavior prevent you from enjoying/attending any family function where you've been invited. I agree with the pp who suggested being the bigger person.

I know it is all easier said than done and you are still (I'm sure) stewing inside about your trip, but I think you might look back and at least be happy that his mis-behavior didn't prevent you from enjoying the rest of your family.

HTH

 

[workinmomof2]

You have had your time to be angry, now let it drop. Life is too short. To put it into perspective, my sister and I never got along too well. We were the only 2. She never even met my oldest son. At age 41 she had a stroke and died. Stop missing out on family events for something that can be left in the past. You know your BIL is a jerk. Make peace with it and move on. You are letting him dictate your life and that is just crazy. Go to the family events, greet him and sit by other people so you don't have to talk to him, but go the the family events!!

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

.....I gave everyone a copy and told them this is what WE were doing if they wanted they could come along...

I think this right here is why you have NOTHING to apologise for, yes you told them you had a plan but you were up front and honest from day one and told them this was the schedule you planned to keep but you wouldn't be offended if they chose not to do the same... they then CHOSE to follow you and so if anyone ruined his vacation by making it something he didn't want it was him when he chose to follow a plan he wasn't happy with.

We're travelling as part of a large group, my sister is a micro-planner when it comes to travel, we however are far more laid back "stop and smell the roses" type people- it doesn't bother me what we miss as long as we enjoy what we do take in, where as my sister and her partner like to fit in everything they can and will be hugely disappointed if they don't. My sister has a big huge itenary- she even gave me passworded access to her planning site to keep a track on it, we have a choice and as long as she isn't going to act offended when we don't follow her itenary then we are good... she has a few things she's asked would i definately go to and that's cool too- she's my sister, I love her, my kids are her world and my parents tend to follow my kids (which can lead to my sister being pushed out as she is childless)

He chose not to excercise his right (which you laid out from the beginning was perfectly acceptable) to go their own way and his reaction- like a previous poster has mentioned- seems to be to be a case of he wanted a reason to moan and was determined from the outset to get pi$$y about something, if it wouldn't have been that it would have been meal choice, room details- if a person is determined to be a drama llama there's not a huge amount you can do to save that.

Do get in touch with your sister- my sister had many a partner I could not abide and it was difficult at times but I maintained a relationship with her no matter how much tongue biting had to go on (as I'm sure she returned me the same grace over the years) my sister is with a lovely man now who i do get along with and I'm glad I still have my relationship with her. Call her- talk through the fact you know you've been invited but you worry about a scene ensuing and want to put your nephew first as it's his big day, might be they're both ready to bury the hatchett too.

 

[katied]

I may not be the best to give advice, since my DH and my DSister also have issued getting along (mostly because of DSister's actions) - but, what I've tried to do is talk to DSister about things - advise her that DH is my husband, we both have kids we want to be able to grow up as close cousins, and we want to be able to enjoy things as family. As a result, she just needs to learn how to get along with DH - not to be friends, but just to be polite at social occasions, etc., so that we can all be together as family. It does not work to rehash want went wrong in the past - just to try to reach an agreement about how to get along in the future. Since the issue is with DBIL (not really DSister) - I would guess that you can either address something along these lines with DBIL, or else talk to DSister, and suggest it would be best for her to talk to her husband and reach agreement on this point (assuming DSister agrees that this will allow you to enjoy some basic events as a family again).

I also have learned not to plan things that will cause trouble - (such as DSister and DBIL staying at our house for a week, or taking a vacation with all 4 of us, plus kids together - I know that we will all be miserable in the long run) - I just want us to be able to enjoy holidays, birthdays, etc, as an extended family.

So - for my WDW trip next month - DH is going fishing in Canada, and DS and I are meeting DSister, DBIL and DNiece to tour Disney. Everyone will be happier.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I was re-reading this and I wanted to add something. To me it sounds like your BIL was moaning to your sister. He sounds like a complainer. Sister sounded like she wanted to tour with you but BIL was being difficult and she was caught in the middle and all stressed out. Much easier to yell at your sister then deal with her husband who she has to live with. KWIM? I still don't think you were wrong though. I would never apologize. They acted horribly and innappropriate.

 

[JeremyGNJ]

Sounds like you were being pretty pushy when most people wanted to slow down.

Day 1. Sounds like you handed out a touring plan (which is not what MOST people consider a relaxing vacation) and informed them that "the rest of us are doing THIS, you can do your own thing if you want"....which is basically like saying "If you're not into the same thing I am....well then, see ya"

Day 2. I suspect that what happened is Rope Drop came....you didnt immediately see them, and decided to rush ahead with your touring plan without even giving 5 minutes to find them.

Day 3. Sounds like you had in your mind what you and YOUR kids wanted to do, and were completely unwilling to stop to do what they want to do because "you know the better way to do things". let the damn kid hang out and watch fish for a while!

My advice to you: Call your BIL and apologize for hijacking the "FAMILY" vacation.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

THIS is why i wont be going on any BIG family gatherings...someone ALWAYS has to cause drama & it makes you regret the whole trip(i recently had the pleasure of something similar)lol

as for your nephews bday, you can do 1 of 2 things
1 dont go & send a gift to the little guy
2 Go & dont let BIL get to you...think of him as a child throwing a tantrum...whats the best thing to do when that happens...."ignore them" & go on with what your doing.

GL!

 

[brymolmom]

I just was involved on a similar argument between friends...and what I told them is this 'IF you were family...you get as p$ssed off as you can with each other...then, you move on'. So, what I am saying is that unless your BIL does something to physically harm you or continues to emotionally harass you at family affairs in the future - I would let bygones be that for the sake of your relationship with your sister and her nephew. I might have read it wrong - but nothing in the original post would make me totally writeoff my sister's family. I mean, the whole name calling thing was obviously really bad - but not to the point where it can't be gotten past - obviously everyone's tempers were way up there. It happens in families, my brother has called me names....we get past it.

Anyway - unless his behavior continues to be extremely rude in the future, I would forget it. Your sister was there and knows what happened all around, so it won't be a surprise for you to tell her how you feel. And, it won't change the fact that he is her husband and your nephew's dad - you need to suck it up and at least give it a try at being civil for her and him.

 

[koziclan]

Thanks for the great advice!

I have kept a relationship with my sister and nephew. She comes to the family functions without him. It's like and elephant in the room. Nobody asks where he is.

Now it's my turn to decline one of their invitation. I can send my kids with my parents but I feel the need to clear the air between her and I. I'm sure she knows where my BIL stands on the issue but she has no idea how I feel.

This may sound harsh but my DH and I see no reason to subject ourselves to him. Let alone go to his house! I feel that if I go he'll feel like he can step all over me and I'll keep coming back for more. Which is definately not the case!

I guess the main issue is I don't want alienate her and my nephew by taking a stand against him.

 

[JeremyGNJ]

Thanks for the great advice!

I have kept a relationship with my sister and nephew. She comes to the family functions without him. It's like and elephant in the room. Nobody asks where he is.

Now it's my turn to decline one of their invitation. I can send my kids with my parents but I feel the need to clear the air between her and I. I'm sure she knows where my BIL stands on the issue but she has no idea how I feel.

This may sound harsh but my DH and I see no reason to subject ourselves to him. Let alone go to his house! I feel that if I go he'll feel like he can step all over me and I'll keep coming back for more. Which is definately not the case!

I guess the main issue is I don't want alienate her and my nephew by taking a stand against him.

Pride is a tough thing to get past.

No matter what you SAY to your sister...if you refuse to be near her husband you will forever have a void.

 

[mom2grace]

I haven't read the replies, but I would go and be polite. You are going for your nephew.

Is he ugly to the other family members as well at functions? Does he go to other's homes, or none at all? I guess what I am asking is does he avoid only you, or everyone?

 

[Christine9125]

Well I have had a similar experience with my sister and family. They came to visit us in Cincinnati one year and we actually walked out (and went home) from Kings Island, leaving them there to find their way home. Now, 3 years later, my dad has decided to take all of us to Disney. I have done all the planning, we have to dining reservations together and that is it. I have told them my plans and told them we do not (and most likely) will not do much of anything beside two dinings together.

As for your nephew birthday, it is exactly that HIS birthday. If you want to take the high road and go, do it, do not let them get in the way of you celebrating your nephew's birthday. If he still wishes to say something, just ignore him and after the fact speak to your sister.

 

[Disneychix]

You were invited so you are wanted there. I would go and show your support for your sister and most important your nephew.
If BIL still holds a grudge about what happened let him deal with his misery. Obviously he has issues if he's never been back to a family function.

AK is not a good place to argue. WAY WAY to HOT!

 

[surfergirl602]

I've been trying to firgure out the best way to handle this for close to a year now. Obviously my way is not working because it is still bothering me. I need some advice.

Here is the issue...Last year my parents paid for 10 (me,dh,2 kids, sister, bil,son,mom, dad, aunt) of us to go to WDW. Since I know the most about WDW I was the planner. I know, that was my first mistake!

I had a touring plan for my family (me, dh & kids). I gave everyone a copy and told them this is what WE were doing if they wanted they could come along. Dinners were the only thing that we were definately doing together.

Day 1 - I hear my BIL making comments under his breath. So that night I asked my sister if he was okay with going around with us. She assured me he was fine and I told her again that they didn't have to do what we were doing.

Day 2 - turned around at the turnstile they were gone. Okay, we proceed with the plan. At dinner, I get accused of just leaving them. Okay, misunderstanding.

Day 3 - We get off K. Safari and my nephew proceeds to scream "Aunt Jodi you're ruining my vacation" over and over. I ignore it. But as we walk I get madder and madder. He is 4 and just got off a safari ride....I wasn't even sitting close to him....Why would he say that???? They must have been saying it as they were walking. So, DH & I decide to call it a day. Sister is behind us somewhere so we wait to tell her we are leaving. Well she blows up at me about how he can't stop the see the fish.blah...blah blah... I say "I'm sorry I don't want to ruin you vacation" with attitude. BIL tells me to shut up. I turn and walk away. More grumblings from him. I tell them to just cancel their dining reservations. He calls me some very vulgar, profane names (in the middle of AK). My DH stears me out of the park. Sister goes the other way. We meet up with parents. Who have witnessed the whole exchange and are not happy. Sister comes back and starts running her mouth. I didn't have much to say to her so she leaves.

She canceled the remaining ADR's and everytime we saw them he continued to make his comments only now they were loud enough for you to hear.

Here where I need advice. My BIL and I have not spoken or been together since. I have never formally excluded him from anything but I don't want him at my house. He hasn't gone to anything that my other realatives have had either. My sister and I have never talked about it. This trip was just the icing on the cake for me & him. He just really crossed the line. Not so much for how he treated me but my parents. He had no respect for the people that paid thousands of dollars just to see thier grandchildren experience WDW together.

Everytime the family gets together I am on pins and needles wondering if he will be there. I know I won't make a scene but I'm not so sure about him.
My nephew's birthday is coming up and it's my turn to decline.

Should I open up a bag of worms and tell her how I feel about him or just let things continue as they are?


Any thoughts???

Don't let your nephew suffer because of your BIL's stupidity.

 

[disykat]

I have a different take. I would NOT go - for your nephew's sake. It's obvious that your BIL is a big jerk and could very well make a scene. Not exactly great birthday memories for a child. He's the dad, he gets this event. Let them know you won't be there so he can plan to be there. Worst case scenario is you'd BOTH skip it, fearing the other would be there. You can see your nephew at other times, but he needs his dad at his birthday.

I would continue to have a relationship with your sister that avoids seeing BIL. Your sister knows full well you don't want to see him, and he clearly doesn't want to see you. Your sister is caught in the middle, but clearly doesn't blame you or she wouldn't be seeing you. I think before family events, given the situation, it would be perfectly fine to ask "is ....... going to be there?" and if he is "I think it's for the best if we skip this event." Your sister will probably be relieved.

I don't think it has to be the elephant in the room, just acknowledge it and work around it. Everyone knows what happened and knows you'd rather not see him. Let THEM decide if they want to rehash it - I'd guess they don't since it's gone on this long with no apologies for the inappropriate behavior.

 

[grlpwrd]

Sounds like you were being pretty pushy when most people wanted to slow down.

Day 1. Sounds like you handed out a touring plan (which is not what MOST people consider a relaxing vacation) and informed them that "the rest of us are doing THIS, you can do your own thing if you want"....which is basically like saying "If you're not into the same thing I am....well then, see ya"

Day 2. I suspect that what happened is Rope Drop came....you didnt immediately see them, and decided to rush ahead with your touring plan without even giving 5 minutes to find them.

Day 3. Sounds like you had in your mind what you and YOUR kids wanted to do, and were completely unwilling to stop to do what they want to do because "you know the better way to do things". let the damn kid hang out and watch fish for a while!

My advice to you: Call your BIL and apologize for hijacking the "FAMILY" vacation.

There could be some truth to this, but it doesn't explain her BIL's or sister's ill behavior.

Do they have control or behavior issues? Those could be factors, too.