Advice Needed On FAMILY Issues

[Mouse House Mama]

I know I already posted, but this is also how I really feel. This is just the reason that I didn't want my sister to come on our Disney vacation. I could just see her standing there saying "Well we have everything planned out, so this is what we are doing - if you want to come and be with us, OK, if not SEE YA." It makes people feel obligated to do what they/you are doing, and for me, it makes me feel rude to say no. Its just not a nice way to do it, in my opinion. Its nicer to all sit down together and try and figure something out that everyone can agree on and no one is controlling. I don't know if they ASKED you to do it all yourself or not, but even if they did, you just shouldn't have. JMHO

Now I totally get it. I would feel that way too. While I plan our dining for our trips, we don't have an itinerary. We are go with the flow type of people and if our parents were on a trip with my sister's family and our family and my sister made a whole itinerary and basically said -"Here's what we are doing you are welcome to join us". I would be a bit miffed. I would want to spend time with my parents too and that would put us in a rough spot. I don't like having a superscheduled vacation nor does my dh and our kids. I would feel that you were being a bit controlling to say the least. However- your dsis and you should have a talk if you really want her in your life. I don't believe that just because you are family you need to talk- because some people are just butts and yes, life is short so I will not surround myself and my family with toxic people. Good luck with this whole situation.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I have a BIL like this, only imagine it about 50 times worse. When I was planning my WDW vacation, my sister mentioned how much fun it would be if we all go together. Knowing my BIL's behavior, his hatred of anything remotely fun or childish, and his knack for making people feel terrible about themselves there was no way I was going to travel that far with them. So, I don't have any advice. We all just ignore that he is a jerk and try our best to get along...but that is really not the best way to go about it. Then he goes around acting however he wants and we all walk on pins and needles. It is not a fun situation when you get a BIL that you have to put up with for the "sake of the family". Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[wdwluver]

There's nothing worse (or more rewarding) than planning a family vacation with the extended family. I've done it twice. The first time was a big blow out due to misunderstandings. The second time was just confusion due again to misunderstanding. I've learned some lessons. Like many other responders have said or hinted at: never provide a touring plan. People just don't read, and they really don't listen. Even though you handed out your plan to everyone and said this is what WE are doing. Everyone still took it as here's the plan. No one wanted to be left out and BIL didn't want to feel like the odd man out for doing his own thing, so rather than speaking up, he stewed. If BIL doesn't want to talk months later, I would just apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, but it will make him feel better and open the doors of communication.

Also, I've learned that it is a good idea to talk about expectations before hand. I wouldn't tell anyone what I was doing. I would emphasize that by day, everybody can/should do their own thing. Let's meet up for dinner each day (or every other day, because trust me, planned daily meals can be a problem too) and talk about our days.

To the Sister, I would have to be blunt and honest and tell her that there was a misunderstanding, we were all angry and frustrated and said/did things that caused family division. Let's get over it and be a family again.

I hope things get better for you.

Also, as others have said, 4 - year olds tend to be little recorders. He only repeated what he heard. I wouldn't blame him for anything.

 

[Terry36]

I feel for you! Talk to your sister before you regret not doing so.

My sister and her family are all going to WDW in June; we are renting a 5 bedroom home. I admit I am a planner and get very crazy when it comes to Disney. I do not believe in getting there late; getting there early as possible is necessary to be able to take advantage of riding the best rides before the lines start.

After reading your issue I spoke with DS this morning and told her even though I have created a draft itenerary they do not have to do everything I have outlined. I suggested it would be okay if we want to seperate and meet up later on if we wanted to. I promise you, I will definately need my space from them and vice versa before the week is over. This is their 1st trip however this will be our 3rd so we know what we want to do.

 

[jamieT]

Ok I had so many thoughts reading all these posts that I had to sit a minute before I responded. I wanted to say a few things, one thing in particular that has not been said is although Disney is "The Most Magical Place on Earth!" It can also be the most stressful and overwhelming place on Earth.

It sounds as though your BIL is a difficult person, and if he would verbally attack you at a theme park in front of your parents and yourchild and his he obviously has no shame and your poor sister... How he must treat her. If she says he doesn't treat her that way she's lying! It sounds as though she is a people pleaser and wanted to be with you and family, but she realized that she in the long run had to go with him. She most likely walks on pins and needles to please him and "ran her mouth" because it is easier to confront you than him. (You also may have been running the show...I am a run the show kind of gal, and I need to keep myself in check when my Magical Gathering of 10 is together in September!)

First of all, she needs you to stay close to her. There may come a time where she is done and will not want your relationship to be ruined.

As for the birthday party I would go somewhere privatly and talk to her. I would tell her that you want to be there, but do not want things to be uncomfortable for her, and you do not want to be abused either. Just talk to her. Tell her you are sorry if you were being Disney Comando (It is possible slightly) Leave the party up to her, and I would express your concern for her situation and tell her you will always be there for her reguardless of him.

I would go to the party. If he acts like a jerk you can leave! But I would kindly talk to your sister. He is wrong, but don't assume she has control over him!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Well, what I got from this...Your parents paid for a vacation, but you seemed to have made it your vacation by developing a touring plan for your family and telling the others that they could basically take it or leave it. I know if My mom paid for a vacation for the entire family, she would have been devastated by having the family split up or having one group say, "This is what we are doing". Not so great of you, in my opinion. It's too bad everyone didn't get together beforehand and discuss plans and expectations.

And not to criticize, but there are always two sides to the story and I wonder what there take was.

How you came to this conclusion is beyond me. She was very specific, when she said, this is our plan and what we are doing, but you don't have to do it with us. She obviously plans thier WDW trips, and has a way of doing things. I am sure she planned meals for all of them, and I am going to assume that was a joint discussion. She did NOTHING wrong!! I think she handled it great.

I have traveled with family to WDW and never watn to do it again. And the in-laws paid for it. I am a planner, I plan my days, our ADRs and all. We get to parks at opening, never happened with the in-laws, we could never got out of the house on time, it drove me nuts. Thankfully my bil and his gr went on their merry way, and met up with us later. We have two young kids, and we have our way of doing things, and what they want to see, and we do our trip around our kids. Fil made it impossible, he spent so much time on his phone. MIL would just grab the stroller before I could get to it and go. It was not a fun time, let me tell you.

Sounds to me that the OP did a great job.

OP, talk to your DS, tell her you want to come to the party, but if bil starts in on you, then you plan on leaving. If he mouths off I would leave. Kids DN and say happy birthday, we love you, but we have to get going!!

Good luck. Dont you wish we could pick family as we do our friends!!

 

[DisTeach1]

How you came to this conclusion is beyond me. She was very specific, when she said, this is our plan and what we are doing, but you don't have to do it with us. She obviously plans thier WDW trips, and has a way of doing things. I am sure she planned meals for all of them, and I am going to assume that was a joint discussion. She did NOTHING wrong!! I think she handled it great.

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I came to this conclusion because I do feel she took control of the vacation, and presented everyone with a planned tour-whether they wanted it or not. And, like someone else said, they probably didn't listen when she said they didn't have to do it, they felt pressured to follow her plans.

I just think...When someone else is paying, ie, the parents, she should not have presented a plan for her family that everyone else could "take it or leave it". I think that was selfish, and I know if I did that and my Mom was paying, my Mom would be hurt, my sister would be offended, and I would come across as a control freak.

Yes, she said "You don't have to do this", but I think the preprinted copies of a touring plan sent another message to the group...one that they heard louder than words.

Why did she feel the need to follow such a strict plan? I don't know. I know when I go with my immediate family, we follow a plan. If I were go to on a trip that someone else paid for, I would have followed a more "go with the flow" deal. That's all. That's my opinion. I just read a trip report of a multiple family trip with a "planner", but she let things go, and took things in stride, and certainly did not hand out copies of an itinerary to others in the group and told them to "take it or leave it".

I do think her BIL is rude, and her sister is under a lot of pressure...the same as mine is. I certainly have never boycotted events, nor would I. I'm polite to my BIL, I ignore him when I can, I shower my nieces with love and affection, but most of all, I have stopped trying to force my agenda on them, and when I am with them, it is not about me.

 

[DisTeach1]

double post...sorry, can't quote worth a darn, but the first part of the reply above is a quote.

 

[DisTeach1]

Tried twice...sorry.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I know I already posted, but this is also how I really feel. This is just the reason that I didn't want my sister to come on our Disney vacation. I could just see her standing there saying "Well we have everything planned out, so this is what we are doing - if you want to come and be with us, OK, if not SEE YA." It makes people feel obligated to do what they/you are doing, and for me, it makes me feel rude to say no. Its just not a nice way to do it, in my opinion. Its nicer to all sit down together and try and figure something out that everyone can agree on and no one is controlling. I don't know if they ASKED you to do it all yourself or not, but even if they did, you just shouldn't have. JMHO

See, I think that even sitting down to plan things out irks some people. Vacations are hard...especially Disney ones. You get the people who want to see everything, and the people who just want to take it easy. It doesn't really matter how you try to plan it...it's the planning that's the problem for some people.

I am the planner in my family, and even though I sit down with people and ask what they want to do, etc...we still get very scaled down versions of this. They just want to lay by the pool, hang out, and do whatever. I can't sit still for that long! The problem is that I have the kids, and everyone wants to be with the kids. So, even if I try to sit by the pool for a bit, they're still disappointed when I leave, and feel like they have to go too!

Sometimes, there is just nothing you can do! Definitely make up with your sister. It's just not worth it in the long run. Go to the party...be sweet and be the better person. My aunt would say "Kill him with kindness".

 

[DisTeach1]

This is why I've said that I will never vacation with a large group of people unless it's on a cruise...We can all meet up at our designated dinner time and discuss our day. I know that I am very much like the OP when it comes to Disney...I already have our October trip planned. However, were I to go with a large group of people on someone else's dime, I would let it go. I would recommend ADR's but that's it. It would not be about me, but about whoever was paying for the trip and what their expectations were.

The bigger issue...the BIL. I would not and do not let that interfere with my relationship with my sister and my nieces. I love them, they are my family, and I can ignore whatever comes around because I know my sister is under a lot of stress and I want to be there for her. My BIL is the biggest jerk ever...but I love my nieces and it would break their little hearts if I were not there for their parties. Period.

 

[donac]

In my family our saying is "Don't blame the kids on how their parents act"

Traveling with friend or family is difficult. I went once with a friend and some of her kids and we had a great time. The next time we went she was super commando and drove us so crazy that we just went off and did our own thing.

I have traveled with my dsis and her family and we always say that anytime we want to go do something else we can do it. Dsis offered to get a 2 bedroom suite at BW. I stayed there with her 2 years ago and I know that my family would love it but I knew that it would not work. We need to have a separate place to go back to at the end of the evening. Besides we need a separate bathroom just for my ds1. HIs showers are lengendary.

 

[kjetjl]

I wish I had some great advice for the OP but after reading through all the posts, I don't feel like I am the only one with a dysfunctional family. I love my family but sometimes I wish it was just easier for everyone to get along.

And now I am worried about our upcoming trip....we planned a trip for this Sept. last year. A couple months ago, DH's sister and BIL decide to go the same time. I was nervous but we talked and got things out in the open so hopefully there won't be miscommunication and misunderstanding. Now MIL and FIL and other SIL and her family are planning to come. DH pretty much said, we have our days planned already, you can join us if you want. I have tried to talk myself into this being fun but NOW I am very nervous!
Good luck to the OP in her situation-and if it helps you are not alone in dealing with family issues.

 

[agnes!]

Oh my, this all just makes me very sad.

agnes!

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

Oh my! We have a grand gathering coming up in sept., which is to celebrate my parents 50th, and they are paying for all 16 of us. My sisters, their familes, and us. I am the main planner because I know the most about Disney. After reading some of this, I am scared
So far, I have made all the ADRs, with input of course, and we all agreed. Also, I sent when the EMHs are and for what parks, what days, via email. Other than that, I am hoping I can be go with the flow, and know I won't get to do everything I want, when I want. It will be so much easier if we split up and just meet for meals, once a day, but I don't know. ANy suggestions from those of you who have been there and done that?

 

[deb24k]

Haylees Mom,
Sorry I don't know how to quote. We went with 20 people for a grand gathering and had age ranges from teenager through 70 year olds. We definitely went our own directions during the day. Small groups of people who had similar interests toured together. We met for two whole group family meals and checked in after dinner with each other see who wanted to go to nighttime firework shows. This worked out well. Everyone had a great time and we all saw alot of each other. We did the same thing on an Alaska cruise. Trust me my grandparents were not riding TOT and Aerosmith's coasrer so why wait around with us when they could enjoy other shows.

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

Haylees Mom,
Sorry I don't know how to quote. We went with 20 people for a grand gathering and had age ranges from teenager through 70 year olds. We definitely went our own directions during the day. Small groups of people who had similar interests toured together. We met for two whole group family meals and checked in after dinner with each other see who wanted to go to nighttime firework shows. This worked out well. Everyone had a great time and we all saw alot of each other. We did the same thing on an Alaska cruise. Trust me my grandparents were not riding TOT and Aerosmith's coasrer so why wait around with us when they could enjoy other shows.

Thanks I think this might work for us as well, if everyone can agree to do it this way. It's just so touchy, you don't want to make anyone mad, or make them feel left out. We will have age ranges from 5 to 71, with several children, one teen, two twenty somethings, 2 thirty somethings, and 3 forty somethings, then my parents, 70!!

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

Yes, she said "You don't have to do this", but I think the preprinted copies of a touring plan sent another message to the group...one that they heard louder than words.

Why did she feel the need to follow such a strict plan? I don't know. I know when I go with my immediate family, we follow a plan. If I were go to on a trip that someone else paid for, I would have followed a more "go with the flow" deal. That's all. That's my opinion. I just read a trip report of a multiple family trip with a "planner", but she let things go, and took things in stride, and certainly did not hand out copies of an itinerary to others in the group and told them to "take it or leave it".

.

I understand what you are saying, but I don't think she meant any harm. As someone who is trying to be the planner for a large group right now, for people who don't know Disney, I believe she probably just meant to provide them with a knowledgeable well thought out itenerary that she thought would help make their experience more enjoyable. Yep, it backfired, and if she had to do it all over again, I'm sure she would try to "go with the flow" . (That's very hard when you know what you should do to avoid crowds, etc.) But i don't think she was trying to be selfish-just helpful.

 

[koziclan]

I understand what you are saying, but I don't think she meant any harm. As someone who is trying to be the planner for a large group right now, for people who don't know Disney, I believe she probably just meant to provide them with a knowledgeable well thought out itenerary that she thought would help make their experience more enjoyable. Yep, it backfired, and if she had to do it all over again, I'm sure she would try to "go with the flow" . (That's very hard when you know what you should do to avoid crowds, etc.) But i don't think she was trying to be selfish-just helpful.

Thanks Haleysmommom!

For the record the "plan" wasn't commando. It was more like park days to match with ADR's, show & parade times, emh days, Wishes etc. Just so we wouldn't have to bother with that stuff when we were there. It was in spreadsheet form and at the bottom I put the shows and stuff that my family wanted to see. It definately wasn't a minute by minute thing.

I also gave them phone numbers for disney, taxis, medical centers, airlines etc. DDP brochures, Petty experience info (BIL is a big NASCAR fan), DTD info.
Ride height limits (for rides nephew was to small for) It wasn't just my interests. It encompassed everyone.

I wanted everyone to have everything at there fingertips instead of having to waste time while they were there looking for it.

Had info and shared it. Unfortunately, it wasn't appreciated.

I think would have run into problems if I didn't do what I did. Then it would be "I knew and didn't tell anybody".

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

See, I think that even sitting down to plan things out irks some people. Vacations are hard...especially Disney ones. You get the people who want to see everything, and the people who just want to take it easy. It doesn't really matter how you try to plan it...it's the planning that's the problem for some people.

I am the planner in my family, and even though I sit down with people and ask what they want to do, etc...we still get very scaled down versions of this. They just want to lay by the pool, hang out, and do whatever. I can't sit still for that long! The problem is that I have the kids, and everyone wants to be with the kids. So, even if I try to sit by the pool for a bit, they're still disappointed when I leave, and feel like they have to go too!

Sometimes, there is just nothing you can do! Definitely make up with your sister. It's just not worth it in the long run. Go to the party...be sweet and be the better person. My aunt would say "Kill him with kindness".

I just think if everyone had sat down together in the beginning, some of the confussion would have been avoided - like, the BIL could have said then and there "OMG, I didn't realize my SIL wanted to do Disney like this - no way." etc. That way they wouldn't have felt obigated to tour with them, etc. Just think it could have helped.