Advice needed on dealing with inlaws

[delilah]

I think my husband's family has gone over the line in terms of gift-giving, but I am not sure how exactly to deal with it (other than ignoring them, which I have been doing up until now). In summary, we are a family of 3, with a son who just turned 9 last week. By coincidence, we al
l have birthdays in February. My husband's cousin sent a gift for our birthdays which contained two coffee mugs, a girly looking lavender notepad and pen and a girly looking cardboard picture frames, and a bag of coffee. The coffee mugs were from the same mail order company as the coffee, and, I suspect, were a free premium from the company for purchasing the coffee. They always send us this coffee, which is awful, but, we are accustomed to grinding our own Starbucks at home. Likewise, the notepad and frame look like they might have been a give away item for some other purchase, but that is OK. After all, it is the thought that counts. They sent one card that was signed by everybody in the family--husband's cousin and wife, their adult daughter (29), and their grandson, age 4, soon to be 5. My only problem is that this was a family gift, and there was nothing in the contents that would be appropriate for a 9 yo boy.

Some background. We have been married for almost 29 years. My husband is godfather to the daughter. Ever since she was an infant we have given her carefully and thoughtfully selected gifts for every occasion--birthday, Christmas, wedding, as we have to her parents. For Christmas, as an example, we gave each family member a gift card to a restaurant we thought they might enjoy, and the grandson, we gave a giftcard to Build-a-Bear. The cousin's family has always reciprocated with gifts along the same lines as those I described above--things that look like they purchased at a Dollar store, or were given to them free as premiums. For Christmas, they sent a gift that had items that might be interpreted as for the family, but nothing specifically for my son. Not a cheap book from the Dollar store, not a cheap toy, nothing. Tellingly, however, they sent toys for the pets, which my son interpreted as being for him, and which he as enjoyed using with his cat.

Further background--I don't mind giving them gifts. Our income is much higher than theirs. I am a family physician, my husband is a research chemist. We are about 10 years younger than they are, and the cousin is about 60 years old. The cousin was a pharmaceutical representative, but was fired from that job about 20 yrs ago, and has worked at odd jobs in construction since then. His wife was a SAHM until recently, now she works as an elementary school teacher.

My husband is hurt by his cousin's behavior, but doesn't want to reciprocate. I think we should continue to give gifts, but moderate their value. He thinks we should continue to give thoughtful gifts. Believe me, if I wanted to, I could collect enough worthless junk from pharmaceutical representatives to give them as "gifts", but, I think that would be insulting. I have given my brother various pharmaceutical premiums, such as pens for Viagra primarily because he wanted them, and we could share the joke. But, specifically, these people have given us religious material from their church as gifts (we are Catholic, they are Lutheran). I think we are going to continue with the status quo, but, really.

 

[annegal]

We don't do cousin gifts, unless we attended the party of said child.

I'd just stop the gift giving.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

wow...cousin gifts?? we soo don't do that, and even if we did, i would just stick with the thought that counts thing. My godparents didn't give me much and it didn't bother me, now that I think about it, they don't even live in teh same country! haha! Our childrens godparents, send cards, but no gifts. I don't think it's such a big deal.

 

[delilah]

We actually tried to do that many years ago, before our son was born. I suggested that we might just send inexpensive gifts to the children. My husband vetoed that idea. He thinks of this cousin as a brother. They lived next door to each other growing up, and their moms were sisters. As a matter of fact, my husband is closer to this cousin than he was to his own brother, who passed away last October. The only exchange we ever had with his brother's family was Christmas cards and infrequent calls. Actually, this was his half brother, and, in fact was older than my parents. His mother had died in surgery, and FIL remarried to my husband's mother.

 

[Jennasis]

Either they are financially unable to give gifts of a certain dollar value or they are bad gift givers (like that one MIL who gives out hilariously awful gifts at Christmas...oh where is that thread??). However, while it might annoy me, I would never DREAM of addressing their gift giving habits OR changing my own towards them. It is what it is. You can't change other people and I would never allow their situation or lack of gift giving knowledge to change one iota of my own generosity.

Gifts are gifts, not debts or something they owe you. Your post treads very closely to the greedy line, though I am almost 100% positive you didn't mean it to. I'm just saying how it's coming out. I'm sure your son gets plenty of nice things from you. If you are concerned that he'll be super bummed by not getting something super nice from that part of the family, YOU could always supplement their gift with something extra. OR you could use this as a lesson to your son that people give what they can when they can, and that's wonderful too.

 

[wendy46001]

If its that important to him i'd continue to give the gifts...maybe scale back a bit (go with movie passes instead of restaurant gift cards)...but if he views them as his immediate family its hard to argue with that...Your son is at an age that he can understand that these will not be great gifts but its the thought that counts...

Oh and doesn’t Viagra make the best pens...hate to admit it but whenever the rep shows up around here they are always the first to disappear

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, sounds like the coffee and mugs were from a company like Gevalia... We love Gevalia, and can't stand starbucks!!! Different strokes!!

I can see how you feel slighted or hurt, expecially for your son.

But, off the top of my head, my advice to you is the same advice to the poster who recently posted how 'hurt' she was that all the 'cousins, aunts, etc...' did not fall all over themselves to express concern about her daughters appendectomy....

The bottom line is, that this family does not quite see gift-giving in the same way that you do. You are really setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings if you have 'high expectations'.

Based on the fact that this is the way that this family has always handled gifts, then you really need to accept that, and 'let it goooo!!!!"

About the gifts that you send to them... That is your and your husband's decision. In no way should all gifts between families be expected to be 'equal'. Perhaps they don't have as much extra money in their budget for gifts as you do.

What would I do... I might cut back a little on the value of the gifts... But, if your DH feels like he wants to continue to give decent individual gifts, then I would go along with that.

It is HIS family.... You really don't want to start messing around and sabotaging his relationship with his family, which then undermines his relationship with you.

It is HIS family, HE should make the call.

Hope this helps!!!

 

[EthansMom]

I think you could spend slightly less and still give thoughtful gifts. You don't have to go overboard for the gift to be nice.

 

[leighe]

I agree that gifts are just that - gifts. I really wouldn't change anything or attempt to discuss someone's gift giving habits with them. We had a great aunt in our family that always gave the strangest Christmas gifts and they sort of became like an inside joke - especially since she wasn't there when we opened them. We always opened hers first as our traditional way to "start" Christmas and had a good laugh. (We were good natured about it - it sounds like we were really rude when I wrote it out.) We always sent her really nice thank you notes because it was really sweet of her to think of us and we truly did appreciate the time she took to select the gifts. She just had strange taste.

 

[Christine]

First, sounds like the coffee and mugs were from a company like Gevalia... We love Gevalia, and can't stand starbucks!!! Different strokes!!

I can see how you feel slighted or hurt, expecially for your son.

But, off the top of my head, my advice to you is the same advice to the poster who recently posted how 'hurt' she was that all the 'cousins, aunts, etc...' did not fall all over themselves to express concern about her daughters appendectomy....

The bottom line is, that this family does not quite see gift-giving in the same way that you do. You are really setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings if you have 'high expectations'.

Based on the fact that this is the way that this family has always handled gifts, then you really need to accept that, and 'let it goooo!!!!" :cool1:

About the gifts that you send to them... That is your and your husband's decision. In no way should all gifts between families be expected to be 'equal'. Perhaps they don't have as much extra money in their budget for gifts as you do.

What would I do... I might cut back a little on the value of the gifts... But, if your DH feels like he wants to continue to give decent individual gifts, then I would go along with that.

It is HIS family.... You really don't want to start messing around and sabotaging his relationship with his family, which then undermines his relationship with you.

It is HIS family, HE should make the call.

Hope this helps!!!

I agree with Wishing On A Star's advice, however, I really feel the need to make one very unhelpful comment.


I've bolded the text I'm commenting on. Now, I understand that people have different gift-giving styles and, some people, just don't have a knack for doing a good job. But don't you think, year after year, when this family receives these thoughtul gifts from delilah that they might start actually thinking that "hey, maybe our gifts are kind of funky?" I know I would.

Now, I don't dare expect anyone to have to financially meet another's expectations, but I do think that they could at least get the child his own gift.

 

[Nana Annie]

Gifts are gifts, not debts or something they owe you. Your post treads very closely to the greedy line, though I am almost 100% positive you didn't mean it to. I'm just saying how it's coming out. I'm sure your son gets plenty of nice things from you. If you are concerned that he'll be super bummed by not getting something super nice from that part of the family, YOU could always supplement their gift with something extra. OR you could use this as a lesson to your son that people give what they can when they can, and that's wonderful too.

Just because you have one standard of giving does not obligate anybody else to live up to your standards. People have their own thoughts on what they can afford, what they think would be a nice gift, etc. You cannot dictate what kind of gifts people should give you. Emily Post would be turning in her grave! I agree, your post is treading very, very close (if not already crossed) to the snobbish/greedy line. Although I also agree that you probably did not mean it in that way.

This is a great life lesson for your son. You can teach him to be gracious, accepting and thankful of any and every gift, no matter what the content.

If you want to teach him that getting gifts is only to satisfy one's pleasure, then the easy thing would be to go to the store and gather a stash of gifts so that you can supplement any gift that does not live up to standards.

I would just keep it as status quo. You obviously can afford more than they can. Do what most of us do with ridiculous gifts - clench your teeth - smile nicely - and say thanks. And then have a good laugh later

 

[delilah]

Actually, I am not sure in what way I would be "greedy". I would say that in behavior and demeanor on an everyday basis, I am so far removed from "greedy" that I find that thought unfathomable. Actually, I am proposing ignoring the situation, as we have been doing. If you knew more details of the truth of the situation, I think you might come to a different conclusion as to who truly is "greedy". These people live in Florida. Whenever we go to Orlando to WDW, they come and visit us. We have paid admission for them to go to the parks. They have never once, in the past 28 years, treated us to dinner. Whenever we visited their home, the cousin's wife kept up a continuous monologue about how difficult it was to have guests over for dinner, how much it cost, and so on and so forth. So, we don't go to their house any more. If anybody prepares a meal, it is I, in my room at a resort. But, since usually I don't have a full kitchen, we go out to a restaurant instead.

They also have an adult son, who lived at our house free of charge for about 4 months in 2002-2003. When he was ill, I took care of him free of charge at my office, because he had no insurance, and we paid for his medication. His Christmas gift last year from us was a City Pass to Chicago for himself and his wife. Had they gone at the same time we did (and they were invited several months in advance to join us over spring break), we would have paid for their room at the same hotel where we were staying. When he had another health issue, I gave him free advice about what should be done, which was different from what his FP was recommmending.

The cousin actually works in a company that rehabs homes and resells them. In my opinion, the greediest thing that they have done is to have purchased my mother-in-laws home at a pittance, and then resell it for three times the value that she was given. She lives in a nursing home, and has no money. We offered to have the company fix up the house, and we would pay them for what they had done, and then, she would have more money now. This was the same woman who treated this man as a mother all his life. Ugh. It gives me chills to think about is.

Then, his wife's parent's passed away. They had an estate worth about $1million or so. As it turns out, my brother is an estate planning attorney. Would you believe that these new millionaires wanted my brother to do the legal work free of charge? It's true. Now, tell me, who is the greedy one?

 

[orljustin]

The cousin's family has always reciprocated with gifts along the same lines as those I described above--things that look like they purchased at a Dollar store, or were given to them free as premiums. For Christmas, they sent a gift that had items that might be interpreted as for the family, but nothing specifically for my son. Not a cheap book from the Dollar store, not a cheap toy, nothing. Tellingly, however, they sent toys for the pets, which my son interpreted as being for him, and which he as enjoyed using with his cat.

IMO, it's the time to tell them you don't feel the need to exchange gifts anymore, since the children are older, and you've gathered enough "stuff" in your lifetime, and you assume they have as well. I mean, you can get crap gifts for so many years, but after a while, it just gets tiring being appreciative for something you can tell no thought was given to. If your husband wants to, tell him he and his "brother" can do whatever they want, but it needs to be just them.

 

[Nana Annie]

Actually, I am not sure in what way I would be "greedy". I would say that in behavior and demeanor on an everyday basis, I am so far removed from "greedy" that I find that thought unfathomable. Actually, I am proposing ignoring the situation, as we have been doing. If you knew more details of the truth of the situation, I think you might come to a different conclusion as to who truly is "greedy". These people live in Florida. Whenever we go to Orlando to WDW, they come and visit us. We have paid admission for them to go to the parks. They have never once, in the past 28 years, treated us to dinner. Whenever we visited their home, the cousin's wife kept up a continuous monologue about how difficult it was to have guests over for dinner, how much it cost, and so on and so forth. So, we don't go to their house any more. If anybody prepares a meal, it is I, in my room at a resort. But, since usually I don't have a full kitchen, we go out to a restaurant instead.

They also have an adult son, who lived at our house free of charge for about 4 months in 2002-2003. When he was ill, I took care of him free of charge at my office, because he had no insurance, and we paid for his medication. His Christmas gift last year from us was a City Pass to Chicago for himself and his wife. Had they gone at the same time we did (and they were invited several months in advance to join us over spring break), we would have paid for their room at the same hotel where we were staying. When he had another health issue, I gave him free advice about what should be done, which was different from what his FP was recommmending.

The cousin actually works in a company that rehabs homes and resells them. In my opinion, the greediest thing that they have done is to have purchased my mother-in-laws home at a pittance, and then resell it for three times the value that she was given. She lives in a nursing home, and has no money. We offered to have the company fix up the house, and we would pay them for what they had done, and then, she would have more money now. This was the same woman who treated this man as a mother all his life. Ugh. It gives me chills to think about is.

Then, his wife's parent's passed away. They had an estate worth about $1million or so. As it turns out, my brother is an estate planning attorney. Would you believe that these new millionaires wanted my brother to do the legal work free of charge? It's true. Now, tell me, who is the greedy one?

Kudos to you for being the caring relative.

However, after 28 years, you would think that YOU would have learned.

Hopefully you are doing what you are doing for your family out of love and caring, and not out of expecting some reward back from them. Because I think if you hold them to your family values, you will continuosly be disappointed.

They sound like users and not very nice people. So stop bending over backwards for them. You are not going to change them. You are going to have to just deal with the fact that they don't see family commitment the same way you do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, OP

But, if this is the way this family is, then you need to 'ACCEPT' it and 'GET OVER IT!!!!"

Seriously,
Don't make it sound like you are playing the martyr here... Do the minimum it would take that your DH would find acceptable, and LET IT GO!!!

And, while I do feel for the OP's son...

Let me just say this... Just because a package arrives, or a card.. my son (who is about the same age) in NO way would be expecting a gift!

Seriously, I would not even have to bring it up or explain it to him... I would put the darned coffee in the cabinet (or the trash can) and my son would not be any the wiser!!! Seriously, it is not like he has a sibling who is opeing a cool gift while he has none.... Why would he have cause to have his feelings hurt???

OP - It really does no good to keep this issue going year after year after year... LET IT GO!!!!

 

[Hannathy]

Gifts are gifts, not debts or something they owe you. Your post treads very closely to the greedy line, though I am almost 100% positive you didn't mean it to. I'm just saying how it's coming out. I'm sure your son gets plenty of nice things from you. If you are concerned that he'll be super bummed by not getting something super nice from that part of the family, YOU could always supplement their gift with something extra. OR you could use this as a lesson to your son that people give what they can when they can, and that's wonderful too.

Sorry but this is how I read your post also. You obviously aren't hurting so what does it matter if your gifts cost more than theirs? I am actually very surprised they even send you anything, I've never given a cousin something in my life- And your DH is his Godfather so that explains him giving gifts but not them giving you gifts. Free medical advice!!! You would actually expect family to pay just for advise? I would never dream of paying for advice from a family member. My BIL is a contractor if I ask his advice on how much a job should cost I don't expect a bill. (now if he did the work I would expect to pay, but not just advice.) Be glad you have extra income and can give people nice gifts without looking at what it will get you.

 

[delilah]

Kudos to you for being the caring relative.

However, after 28 years, you would think that YOU would have learned.

Hopefully you are doing what you are doing for your family out of love and caring, and not out of expecting some reward back from them. Because I think if you hold them to your family values, you will continuosly be disappointed.

They sound like users and not very nice people. So stop bending over backwards for them. You are not going to change them. You are going to have to just deal with the fact that they don't see family commitment the same way you do.

It helps to get this type of support. I know that my husband isn't going to want to stop sending gifts. I have a much larger family than he does, and I can't in good conscience cut off this family that he regards so highly. My family was brought up to be compassionate and caring, especially to family, but to strangers as well. I think that my husband and I are more hurt by this than my son, who had other nice birthday gifts from us. Not to beat a dead horse, but, my son, last year, for his birthday party actually collected donations of food and pet toys for the humane society instead of receiving gifts. This year, I'm not doing a party for his birthday, but, he will have a sleepover for the boys in his class later in the spring, when they can play outside in nicer weather. So, no gifts.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Actually, I am not sure in what way I would be "greedy". I would say that in behavior and demeanor on an everyday basis, I am so far removed from "greedy" that I find that thought unfathomable. Actually, I am proposing ignoring the situation, as we have been doing. If you knew more details of the truth of the situation, I think you might come to a different conclusion as to who truly is "greedy". These people live in Florida. Whenever we go to Orlando to WDW, they come and visit us. We have paid admission for them to go to the parks. They have never once, in the past 28 years, treated us to dinner. Whenever we visited their home, the cousin's wife kept up a continuous monologue about how difficult it was to have guests over for dinner, how much it cost, and so on and so forth. So, we don't go to their house any more. If anybody prepares a meal, it is I, in my room at a resort. But, since usually I don't have a full kitchen, we go out to a restaurant instead.

They also have an adult son, who lived at our house free of charge for about 4 months in 2002-2003. When he was ill, I took care of him free of charge at my office, because he had no insurance, and we paid for his medication. His Christmas gift last year from us was a City Pass to Chicago for himself and his wife. Had they gone at the same time we did (and they were invited several months in advance to join us over spring break), we would have paid for their room at the same hotel where we were staying. When he had another health issue, I gave him free advice about what should be done, which was different from what his FP was recommmending.

The cousin actually works in a company that rehabs homes and resells them. In my opinion, the greediest thing that they have done is to have purchased my mother-in-laws home at a pittance, and then resell it for three times the value that she was given. She lives in a nursing home, and has no money. We offered to have the company fix up the house, and we would pay them for what they had done, and then, she would have more money now. This was the same woman who treated this man as a mother all his life. Ugh. It gives me chills to think about is.

Then, his wife's parent's passed away. They had an estate worth about $1million or so. As it turns out, my brother is an estate planning attorney. Would you believe that these new millionaires wanted my brother to do the legal work free of charge? It's true. Now, tell me, who is the greedy one?

It's not really about the gifts, is it?? That's what I was thinking when I read your first post, and this last post confirmed it. It sounds like you think your DH's cousin's family is greedy and thoughtless.

I've had hurt feelings over the gifts I received and didn't receive over the years from my siblings--for many years, I carefully picked out thoughtful gifts for my siblings for their weddings, birthdays, kids birthdays, kids' weddings, etc. I was very hurt that I was rarely thanked and that only ONE of my four siblings could even be bothered giving DH and I a wedding gift, not to mention acknowledging my 40th birthday (ONE sibling sent me a card).

I realized that my hurt feelings were over a lack of a reciprocal relationship, not really over the gifts or lack of them. I decided to stop being the giver in my relationships; and I decided that for me, it was time to stop putting energy into relationships that were not reciprocal. And I'm NOT talking about reciprocity in terms of gifts--I'm talking about being in relationships with people who take, take, take (materially and emotionally) and don't give back.

I think you can't have a lot of control over this family relationship because they are really your DH's family. I personally would not pressure DH to cut back on the gifts, but I would let DH know that you feel used and neglected by these family members (I don't mean to put words in your mouth--maybe you DON'T feel used and neglected--my point is, tell your DH how you FEEL, not that you think the gifts should be cut back). Let him be the one to deal with his cousin and his cousin's family since he is the one who feels so close to his cousin.

I think you, personally, don't need to do so much for the cousin and his family and don't need to host them so much. Let your DH do what he thinks is right, but don't feel pressured to be so much a part of it.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Sorry, duplicate post.

 

[delilah]

Sorry but this is how I read your post also. You obviously aren't hurting so what does it matter if your gifts cost more than theirs? I am actually very surprised they even send you anything, I've never given a cousin something in my life- And your DH is his Godfather so that explains him giving gifts but not them giving you gifts. Free medical advice!!! You would actually expect family to pay just for advise? I would never dream of paying for advice from a family member. My BIL is a contractor if I ask his advice on how much a job should cost I don't expect a bill. (now if he did the work I would expect to pay, but not just advice.) Be glad you have extra income and can give people nice gifts without looking at what it will get you.

Well, as a contractor, this cousin did work on MIL house several years before she went into the nursing home. We took out the second mortgage, and paid him market rate for the work he did.

That's what doctors do--generally, give advice. I don't charge anybody for a telephone consultation, and, I see family members free of charge. But, seeing patients is what I do for a living, and there is an opportunity cost involved in seeing family members for free. And, if they are ungrateful for the service, it won't be forthcoming in the future. I don't generally pay for other people's medication. Sometimes, I give samples to an uninsured patient (well, actually, I do on an everyday, on going basis). But, you have to keep in mind this is how I feed my family, pay my mortgage and pay my bills.

Oh, yes, and don't get my started on the time the daughter of said cousin told me that her father told her that all doctors were "quacks" because she got the same dose of amoxicillin that her dad did. Well, she was an adult sized 12 yo. She is a big girl, about 5'8'' and over 250 lbs. Of course, she would get an adult dose of amoxil. The dosage of Amoxil, on a mg/kg basis maxes out at about 60 lbs.