Advice needed on dealing with inlaws

[Mkrop]

It does not sound like you are being greedy at all. Most times there is more to a story then meets the eye. I know because we are in a similar one. You have put a lot of thought into gifts and it is not about the dollar amount but about the thought behind the gift. If they shopped at the Dollr store and got you something very meaningful or useful, it would not be about where it comes from at all. I mean we have all bought something for someone off the clearance rack with a coupon yet if the sweater is in their favorite color who cares!

My SIL is very much like the above example. Since she is not speaking to any of us, she has no idea what any of my children's likes or dislikes are so usually buys stuff that they are not into or are not age appropriate and does not supply gift receipts (even for clothes). Yet I go out of my way to ask my BIL what my niece is into and her sizes and until recently I usually was able to get info. Now alls I get is just a gift card please. Ok fine then maybe you should do the same. But instead I bite my tongue, and try to teach my kids a lesson about gift giving and receiving and then donate said items to charity if they truly don't work for either child.

I mean this Christmas I got the whole just get her a gift card deal. DH was not cool with that so we waited to see what they would send us. Well instead of sending he called the night before and said he was bringing down our gifts (mind you we have not seen them over the holidays in years!) Now DH wants our niece to have things to open so he sends me running to the mall to buy for her and then home to wrap it all before they get down here. Likely I guessed right on gifts after calling friends with 9yrold girls to see what they want. But of course my kids got stuff they were not into and clothes that did not fit. But my kids smiled, thank their uncle and enjoyed what little time they get with their cousin.

 

[Nana Annie]

It helps to get this type of support. I know that my husband isn't going to want to stop sending gifts. I have a much larger family than he does, and I can't in good conscience cut off this family that he regards so highly. My family was brought up to be compassionate and caring, especially to family, but to strangers as well. I think that my husband and I are more hurt by this than my son, who had other nice birthday gifts from us. Not to beat a dead horse, but, my son, last year, for his birthday party actually collected donations of food and pet toys for the humane society instead of receiving gifts. This year, I'm not doing a party for his birthday, but, he will have a sleepover for the boys in his class later in the spring, when they can play outside in nicer weather. So, no gifts.

We get it. Your whole family is caring, compassionate, your son doing the charity thing.

But, perhaps again, you don't mean it this way, but it is coming across as you are not doing it for the right reasons. It seems you have a need to be recognized for your do-gooding. Just by continuosly mentioning on this board how much you give, how selfless your son is, seems to scream - I want kudos and attention. And this is how your post complaining about presents is coming off. Again, I am sure you don't mean it this way, but that is one way your posts can be read.

 

[ang]

It's not really about the gifts, is it?? That's what I was thinking when I read your first post, and this last post confirmed it. It sounds like you think your DH's cousin's family is greedy and thoughtless.

I've had hurt feelings over the gifts I received and didn't receive over the years from my siblings--for many years, I carefully picked out thoughtful gifts for my siblings for their weddings, birthdays, kids birthdays, kids' weddings, etc. I was very hurt that I was rarely thanked and that only ONE of my four siblings could even be bothered giving DH and I a wedding gift, not to mention acknowledging my 40th birthday (ONE sibling sent me a card).

I realized that my hurt feelings were over a lack of a reciprocal relationship, not really over the gifts or lack of them. I decided to stop being the giver in my relationships; and I decided that for me, it was time to stop putting energy into relationships that were not reciprocal. And I'm NOT talking about reciprocity in terms of gifts--I'm talking about being in relationships with people who take, take, take (materially and emotionally) and don't give back.

I think you can't have a lot of control over this family relationship because they are really your DH's family. I personally would not pressure DH to cut back on the gifts, but I would let DH know that you feel used and neglected by these family members (I don't mean to put words in your mouth--maybe you DON'T feel used and neglected--my point is, tell your DH how you FEEL, not that you think the gifts should be cut back). Let him be the one to deal with his cousin and his cousin's family since he is the one who feels so close to his cousin.

I think you, personally, don't need to do so much for the cousin and his family and don't need to host them so much. Let your DH do what he thinks is right, but don't feel pressured to be so much a part of it.

I totally agree! My thoughts when I was reading the first post. I do feel they are users...I hate to use words...but it is so. You really need to explain to your husband how you feel. Then leave it up to him.

 

[Nana Annie]

That's what doctors do--generally, give advice. I don't charge anybody for a telephone consultation, and, I see family members free of charge. But, seeing patients is what I do for a living, and there is an opportunity cost involved in seeing family members for free. And, if they are ungrateful for the service, it won't be forthcoming in the future. I don't generally pay for other people's medication. Sometimes, I give samples to an uninsured patient (well, actually, I do on an everyday, on going basis). But, you have to keep in mind this is how I feed my family, pay my mortgage and pay my bills.

Sorry -I have to admit, the free advice comment really gets to me. DH and myself are computer professionals (dh has his phd.) This is how we feed our family, pay our mortgage, pay our bills.

Yet, we are forever using our education and knowledge to troubleshoot relatives and friends PC's. Would we ever expect better gifts for it? Nope. Would we ever think about charging them for our knowledge? Nope. Would we even accept a dinner out for our time? Nope. Would we ever stop doing it because the person we helped was not appropriately thankful? NEVER. The whole free advice thing sounds a bit uppity.

If it bothers you so much about how much you do for others without getting rewarded for it - just stop doing it. It is extremely hard to keep doing something for people when you feel they don't appreciate it, could give a dang, and keep wanting more and more. I am not minimizing that. But after 28 years of bending over backwards for these users, you either have to accept the type of people they are, or just stop doing it. You won't change them, so you have to either change your expectations or change what you do for them. Once you accept them for who they are and realize that they will never in a million years put any effort into their part of the relationship, you will be able to handle them better.

 

[xyzabc33]

Not knowing these ppl personally I cant comment on why they send gifts such as these, maybe it is the way they think things are done, WHO KNOWS?
Anyway after the time that is passed I agree with Nana when she says after this many years, you should know what to expect. And I also would like to say that is it awesome that you take the time to put a lot of thot into their gifts. rolleyes: I wish my mother would..lol)

We stopped giving BIG gifts to any cousins, brothers, sisters, etc. When I say big, I mean anything over $1.00. We will give everyone something homemade, like a tray of cookies or if I dont have time to do that, a lottery ticket. My DD is getting to the age she can make simple crafts to give too. The only adults we buy for are the parental units and my DD (21) Once you hit 16 you are SOL for big gifts. go buy your own

As to the problem of them not sending anything for your son. Maybe you can write them a thank you note like I am sure you usually do anyway(I need to remember to do this more myself) and tell them how much your son enjoyed the bag of coffee. LOL Thinking about it they may have thot that the cat toy was a childs toy and meant it for him. You could thank them for that also. Maybe they will get the hint, maybe they wont. After this many years, I dont think they will change. Just take the stuff that you dont like that they give and re-gift it. Not that I have ever dont that
Anyone want to buy a brand new Minnie fleece? (not joking btw) My mom bought me one for Xmas and it is too small and PINK **shudders--baby pink--I am not a pink person here ppl.*** I cant even exchange it because she ripped off the tags from the store and they wont take it back. SIGH. I'd rather have the bag of coffee. LOL

Good luck and cut back on gift cost or start doing homemade things (have your son do them)

 

[disykat]

I hate the whole gift giving thing. I would actually RESENT getting expensive presents. It doesn't appear they are ASKING for them. They don't like to spend money. To them, it probably appears that you LIKE to spend money so they let you.

If you want to continue to give them gifts you can, but don't expect their behavior to change. They probably find your gifts as annoying as you find theirs. If it's just about gifts - it sounds like they are just not gift people. There are other ways to show love (read "the 5 languages of love") If they honestly don't show any other desire to have a relationship with you, THEN you have a problem.

Frankly, It sounds like you just plain don't like these people and they probably don't like you very much. Maybe it's time to let your dh have a relationship with them without you being involved.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

It's not really about the gifts, is it?? That's what I was thinking when I read your first post, and this last post confirmed it. It sounds like you think your DH's cousin's family is greedy and thoughtless.

I think you can't have a lot of control over this family relationship because they are really your DH's family. I personally would not pressure DH to cut back on the gifts, but I would let DH know that you feel used and neglected by these family members (I don't mean to put words in your mouth--maybe you DON'T feel used and neglected--my point is, tell your DH how you FEEL, not that you think the gifts should be cut back). Let him be the one to deal with his cousin and his cousin's family since he is the one who feels so close to his cousin.

I think you, personally, don't need to do so much for the cousin and his family and don't need to host them so much. Let your DH do what he thinks is right, but don't feel pressured to be so much a part of it.

I agree with this post 100%. Your relatives aren't going to change, especially after all this time. I think you're concerned with your son realizing they give gifts (albeit cheap) to everyone but him, and don't want him to be hurt.

Since this is a relationship of your DH's, he should make the call. Continue sending gifts and adjust your attitude about it? Continue sending gifts, but modify the thought and value going into them? Send a card only?

I also have relatives who give nothing and take whatever they can get. In both cases I thought long and hard about what to do, and decided to keep giving, not for them but for me. In one case it was a child who I don't see or hear from anymore, and now that he is grown, I'm not sure yet how I'll handle it. (In my family we stopped sending gifts to extended family when the kids were grown, we just send a card.)

 

[agnes!]

Wow - I think I just heard the other shoe drop with this situation.

It's not just the cousin's gifts with you & your husband, is it? There's a lot of background and simmering resentment in your last post that wasn't in the OP.
THEY bought your MIL's house for little money & made a big profit. Now because of your MIL's selling the house she only got the money from the original sale and doesn't have the increased profit from the renovated version - the cousin is keeping all of that. That exatr money would have come in handy with her present living situation. (It sounds like her deciding to sell the house to the cousin in the first place was an unwelcome surprise to your DH.)
THEY asked for free help with a million-dollar family estate.
THEIR son(your DH's 1st cousin, once-removed) lived in your home four or five years ago - getting free medical care from you and free medical advice since.
It sounds like they are somewhat rude & ungracious all-around. If this is how they truly are...why do you have anything to do with these people? It sounds like they're fairly 'toxic'. Please realize - I am not saying that you & your DH don't have a right to those feelings...I'd be pretty ticked off at a family who did that kind of stuff too.

Well, here's my advice...either give up the hard feelings or embrace them. Your choice. Either stop sending them gifts & maybe break off contact or accept their deficiencies/rudeness/money-grubbing/etc and continue on somewhat as you have in the past, maybe scaling back gifts if that helps you to feel better. Accept that they are giving you free stuff when they could probably easily afford to give better/more expensive gifts. Accept that they cannot and will not change their behavior...they're perfectly happy just the way they are, it doesn't bother them at all, it bothers *you*.
Since it is his family & a relative he regards as a DBro, your DH will have to decide what hill you all want to die on regarding this relationship.
(By the way...you've known them for at least almost 29 years, he's known them for about 50...is their present behavior that much of a surprise?)

to NanaAnnie's entire post. I think she came a little closer to the mark when she mentioned something about "snobbish/greedy". IMO your OP did come off sounding somewhat snobbish...with the additional background it all makes a little more sense.

agnes!

 

[Mkrop]

I think the frustration lies in being appreciated for any gesture whether it is advice or gifts. No one likes to feel that their time and effort is going to waste. So you give advice and then they in kind just take it for granted then it hurts. When you put a lot of thought into gifts it hurts when someone doesnt seem to think in kind. It is not about money it is about thought behind any action. If someone cant afford a gift back of the same dollar amount I purchase that is not what matters. I would be thrilled if someone made me a batch of my favorite cookies or wrote me a lovely note if that is all the could afford. It is just being treated with respect that is at issue here and you don't feel like they treat you with that.

 

[Nana Annie]

I think the frustration lies in being appreciated for any gesture whether it is advice or gifts. No one likes to feel that their time and effort is going to waste. So you give advice and then they in kind just take it for granted then it hurts. When you put a lot of thought into gifts it hurts when someone doesnt seem to think in kind. It is not about money it is about thought behind any action. If someone cant afford a gift back of the same dollar amount I purchase that is not what matters. I would be thrilled if someone made me a batch of my favorite cookies or wrote me a lovely note if that is all the could afford. It is just being treated with respect that is at issue here and you don't feel like they treat you with that.

Absolutely.
But these people have been grubbing for 28 years. As Agnes put it ever so much more eloquently than I could have, they are completely happy with the way they treat people. The OP isn't going to make them kind, caring and compassionate like she is after this length of time. Since they don't seem to think they are in the wrong, they have no incentive to change.

So, the OP is the one who is going to have to reevaluate her expectations of these people. So, as Agnes said - either embrace them for who they are, or change the way you deal with the relationship. The only change that the OP can effect is change on her side.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I think the frustration lies in being appreciated for any gesture whether it is advice or gifts. No one likes to feel that their time and effort is going to waste. So you give advice and then they in kind just take it for granted then it hurts. When you put a lot of thought into gifts it hurts when someone doesnt seem to think in kind. It is not about money it is about thought behind any action. If someone cant afford a gift back of the same dollar amount I purchase that is not what matters. I would be thrilled if someone made me a batch of my favorite cookies or wrote me a lovely note if that is all the could afford. It is just being treated with respect that is at issue here and you don't feel like they treat you with that.

This is what I'm gathering from the OP's posts, as well. We all want SOMETHING back in a relationship--acknowledgment, appreciation, thoughtfulness, caring, friendship. Gifts are just a symbol of this.

 

[Mkrop]

I agree with you that she needs to evaluate her realtionship with them. Alls I am saying is that I don't think it is being greedy or snobby or her part but a frustration of not being respected. SO if you do not receive respect after 28 yrs then come up with a new game plan to deal with them, if you cant get them out of the picture completely then talk to DH about your frustration and go from there.

 

[Mkrop]

This is what I'm gathering from the OP's posts, as well. We all want SOMETHING back in a relationship--acknowledgment, appreciation, thoughtfulness, caring, friendship. Gifts are just a symbol of this.

AMEN to that!

 

[delilah]

Well, come to think about it, I think I know what DH did to peeve them in the first place. Their son lives in Illinois, near Peoria. We live in Indiana, south of Indianapolis. Last fall, they made a road trip from Florida to Illinois. As it turns out, the daughter's (ex)-in-laws live north of Indianapolis, about two hours away from here. They have been in the habit of calling when they are about an hour from our house to inform us that they are stopping by to visit. On their last road trip, they left such a message. Unknown to them, since they didn't call in advance to share their plans, we were in Columbus, Ohio for a Buckeye football game. We got their message from Saturday morning on Sunday afternoon when we got home. Then, my husband's brother passed away Monday or Tuesday the next week, so, they couldn't hit us on the way back to Florida, either. We were in Florida for the funeral. Since their daughter had just gotten divorced, they had no place to stay for free overnight, so had to rent a hotel room. We wouldn't have given up our Buckeye tickets, but, at least, they wouldn't have had to sidetrack to Indianapolis if they had known what our plans were.

 

[rigs32]

But don't you think, year after year, when this family receives these thoughtul gifts from delilah that they might start actually thinking that "hey, maybe our gifts are kind of funky?" I know I would.

But what if the OP's gifts were missing the mark for them, too? Maybe that family sees gift cards as funky. I have well-intentioned people in my family with whome gifts are a gamble - sometimes they're perfect, others I wonder what they were thinking.

 

[delilah]

I agree that some people might not appreciate gift cards. We have really only given gift cards the last year or two, and actually, they have given us gift cards as well, first, before we ever did. We give gift cards primarily because they are helping our son's school. They participate in the scrip program, where the merchants give a discount on the cards to the school, which sells them to us for face value. The second big advantage comes with shipping gifts at Christmas vs sending a gift card. It is much faster and simpler to go.

 

[delilah]

We get it. Your whole family is caring, compassionate, your son doing the charity thing.

But, perhaps again, you don't mean it this way, but it is coming across as you are not doing it for the right reasons. It seems you have a need to be recognized for your do-gooding. Just by continuosly mentioning on this board how much you give, how selfless your son is, seems to scream - I want kudos and attention. And this is how your post complaining about presents is coming off. Again, I am sure you don't mean it this way, but that is one way your posts can be read.

Tell me, do you itemize deductions for charitable contributions on your tax return? I know I do. If you do, you are receiving recognition for "do-gooding", by receiving a reduction in your income tax bill for doing so. People receive recognition everyday for the things that they do for charity or other causes. On the back page of our weekly bulletin at church, there is a list of people who paid to have their name on the back of the bulletin. Some of them are businesses, and are using it as advertising. Some are just members of the parish who chose to contribute in this way. Did they do so merely to get "kudos and attention". I have more faith in human nature and trust in my fellow parishioners than to take such a cynical view of their charitable contributions. Likewise, I am only mentioning things that my son and I have done in the setting of being labelled "greedy". It is self defense.































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[Mari annie]

We have been married almost 23 years, we basically don't bother with dh family, they live 1/2 hour away, it's so complicated and they make everyone miserable, it's better that way, it went from gifts=cards now it's E Mail Cards on the net, dh doesn't bother with them.....inhuman...........unkind.........too nasty for us to deal with.

Anyway, we have brothers like this, both my brothers make 6 figures and one brother holds the keys to the kingdom and the other brother's wife holds them
can't figure out why they didn't marry each other? The brother that holds the key doesn't allow or give his wifie dear any $, (she stays, loves the chaos)
and the other brother's wife buys everything from the dollar store, so last my ds is now 18-and my dd is 13, they get more than most adults, they don't need it, it's the principal, why give such horrible dastardly GROSS gifts?! send a card, or just forget, my kids joke and throw it out, although the expensive(!) thank you notes I have them mail out and the stamp out weigh the costs of the entire gifts for their bdays and xmas........... I too only buy select gifts according to what someone likes/appreciates it may take me a few months, I plan ahead ( I am a Virgo) so that's just me..........I am very picky!
I would NEVER EVER give someone junk or something I wouldn't use, EVER.
To me a gift is a reflection of how you feel about the person!
So I have scaled down on their kids/step kids alot. It's not the $ it's the principal, and their unthoughtfulness, then there was a comment made, and I said, "No we're downsizing gifts now" we just bought our 2nd home in the Orlando area, and my family comes first, that shut my stingy tightwad of an excuse for a sister in law........why my brother married her is incomprehensable, he should of left her in the bar he met her in...........I found out she dated one of my associates brothers...........I actually said to this woman, gee "tell your brother thanks for giving my brother his throw a away........boy did that feel GOOD!!!!
Family, gifts............too much.............I am trying to get my dh early retirement or something to move to our new home in FL........pretty soon I ll be there FT myself, all this family issue isnt' good!


4/10 FL, maybe I ll just stay there!!!

 

[stargrazer]

Sorry, short on time so didn't read all the posts, but...

Maybe I'm a selfish *****, but after several family disagreements and some hurt feelings, we don't give gifts anymore to anyone except to people in our home.

Any of the nieces/nephews under 16 gets $20 at Christmas, everyone else gets a card. Nothing for any other holidays or birthdays. We used to give the outlaws something, but one year FIL said we don't spend enough on him, so now we spend even less...like...ZERO.

 

[agnes!]

Tell me, do you itemize deductions for charitable contributions on your tax return? I know I do. If you do, you are receiving recognition for "do-gooding", by receiving a reduction in your income tax bill for doing so. People receive recognition everyday for the things that they do for charity or other causes. On the back page of our weekly bulletin at church, there is a list of people who paid to have their name on the back of the bulletin. Some of them are businesses, and are using it as advertising. Some are just members of the parish who chose to contribute in this way. Did they do so merely to get "kudos and attention". I have more faith in human nature and trust in my fellow parishioners than to take such a cynical view of their charitable contributions. Likewise, I am only mentioning things that my son and I have done in the setting of being labelled "greedy". It is self defense.

I almost hesitate to mention this, but your initial post did ask for advice, which can sometimes means additional input.

agnes!