Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[Marionnette]

Op, you have already told your mother in law how you feel about your daughter going to your brother in law's home. She apparently does not respect your feelings enough to comply with your request. That combination of disrespect and your lack of trust in her judgement should be enough to get you to start building a support network of friends and neighbors who can step in when an emergency arises. You can complain about her behavior until the cows come home but it's not going to change her. I would never have left my kids with someone who I felt was endangering them with their decisions. Even if they were family. And even if I did need to get out to buy a new car.

 

[RitaE]

Because if SIL she wants to live in a filthy house, drug house that on her but there is no need to expose my child to it. I don't care if MIL is taking her to Target or other errands but I think it's completely in my say to ask her not to take her to BIL's home and to not take her to doctor visit with her mother.

But it is not in your say because you dropped your daughter off and left.
So if your MIL isn't going to follow your dictates and it upsets you so much - you really have no choice but to not leave your daughter with your MIL ... no matter how much you think you need to. Insist all you want but having your MIL babysit was a choice you made.

My Mother has NEVER watched my children for reasons I won't go into. It would have to take a far bigger "emergency" than a car buying trip for me to even consider it.

If you don't like the way your MIL babysits then move onto the next option. What would you have done if your MIL wasn't available to babysit? Take the kid with you, find somebody else .... don't go.

That's what you need to do next time.

 

[Nancyg56]

Because if SIL she wants to live in a filthy house, drug house that on her but there is no need to expose my child to it. I don't care if MIL is taking her to Target or other errands but I think it's completely in my say to ask her not to take her to BIL's home and to not take her to doctor visit with her mother.

I totally understand that you do not want your DD in BIL's home. I would not either. What we are all trying to explain is that your MIL is not going to honor this request. Period. You need to deal with that and find a paid babysitter when you cannot take your DD with you. You are not going to win this one with her, all you will accomplish is reinforcing why you do not like her and forcing your DH to get involved. If you want to accomplish strainign your Dh relatinship with his family you may succeed but is that worth the cost of finding alternate child care?

Call your senior center or your local high school. The seniors may know who will watch you child and you can check references. The HS may even have child care programs for their students. There is a way, you just have chosen not to find it.

 

[tlbwriter]

But she was good enough to be her babysitter when it suits her. In my world, when someone does you a favour you shut your mouth unless it's a matter of life and death. I don't believe for a minute there cat and dog poop all over the house. That's just the excuse she thought up as to why she doesn't want her child over there. Why do I think this? Because she feigned concern about the SIL's pregnancy and being around her "on the mend" daughter when that would be of no concern if the SIL was living in filth like that.

Well, I don't care if or why she made it up. I already said that I think she needs to stop using MIL as a free babysitter, because you can't control what a free babysitter does. I simply disagree with the idea that any woman who would raise a man you'd be willing to marry must be good enough to babysit your children. That's b.s.

 

[Mkrop]

OP I am not sure what you want from all of us...you dont trust your MIL, I think for valid reasons, she has disrespected your wishes about going to BIL's gross house.

You have two choices:

1) DH or you got talk to her and tell her that she is not to take her to BIL's ever again, then if you decide to utilize her free babysitting services again you take your chances/

2) Find other people to watch your child.

And no amount of convincing and it seems others agree, will make buying a car an emergency. You had other options, you were either too cheap or too lazy (renting a car) to utilize them.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I do understand the "stop using her" but how am i to do that without pissing her off? I guess in the end I shouldn't worry because she brought this on herself. If she has an issue she can go to DH to deal with it.

 

[tlbwriter]

I do understand the "stop using her" but how am i to do that without pissing her off? I guess in the end I shouldn't worry because she brought this on herself. If she has an issue she can go to DH to deal with it.

Well, it probably will piss her off. But if I didn't trust my babysitter, I really wouldn't care. I'd say "You did something behind my back that you knew I didn't want you to do with DD, so I can no longer trust you as a babysitter."

 

[Scurvy]

I do understand the "stop using her" but how am i to do that without pissing her off? I guess in the end I shouldn't worry because she brought this on herself. If she has an issue she can go to DH to deal with it.

Don't make a big deal of it. I assume your child will still be visiting her with either you or your husband, so it isn't like she'll never be seeing her grandchild. Don't mention the fact that you aren't going to be using her as a babysitter any longer. Just find someone else and use them. There's no need to bring that to your mother-in-law's attention. If she does ask, let your husband tell her that you found someone who better fits your babysitting needs, but that of course she is the grandmother and no babysitter will replace her and that your child will still spend time with her. There's no reason for her to be upset, and if she does get upset, then your husband can deal with her.

 

[Marionnette]

I do understand the "stop using her" but how am i to do that without pissing her off? I guess in the end I shouldn't worry because she brought this on herself. If she has an issue she can go to DH to deal with it.

There's no way to tell someone that you don't trust them that will not piss them off. It's pretty insulting no matter how you parse it. Just don't tell her about every babysitting situation that arises. And if she finds out after the fact you can just tell her that it was a last minute thing and so-and-so was available to help out so you didn't bother her.

 

[Dictator]

So its ok for mil to take her to target, but not for you to tale her car shopping?
There one common denominator in your rants. You.

 

[Nancyg56]

I do understand the "stop using her" but how am i to do that without pissing her off? I guess in the end I shouldn't worry because she brought this on herself. If she has an issue she can go to DH to deal with it.

I think that you just don't say anything about the babysitting situation to her. There is no need to hurt her feelings. And I would worry about that, she is your husband's mother, your DD's grandmother. Unless your aim to to alienate her and distance your husband from his family.

 

[iheartnmr's]

I think that you just don't say anything about the babysitting situation to her. There is no need to hurt her feelings. And I would worry about that, she is your husband's mother, your DD's grandmother. Unless your aim to to alienate her and distance your husband from his family.

DING DING DING! We've got a winner!

 

[skitt]

Sounds like a lot of posters are grandparents with chips on their shoulder. As a parent, I feel your pain! How hard is it for your MIL to just stay home with your sick daughter? They make it sound like it was her only chance to see her other son's family or that it is her right to do whatever she wants with your daughter when you're not around. Um, no!! My parents watch my kids all the time, love doing it, and are conscientious to follow my rules as much as possible (not that I have many). I guess your MIL doesn't respect you very much. I'd stop using her as a sitter for sure, but I understand how bad that will make everyone feel.

 

[SaraJayne]

Sounds like a lot of posters are grandparents with chips on their shoulder. As a parent, I feel your pain! How hard is it for your MIL to just stay home with your sick daughter? They make it sound like it was her only chance to see her other son's family or that it is her right to do whatever she wants with your daughter when you're not around. Um, no!! My parents watch my kids all the time, love doing it, and are conscientious to follow my rules as much as possible (not that I have many). I guess your MIL doesn't respect you very much. I'd stop using her as a sitter for sure, but I understand how bad that will make everyone feel.

You're missing all the history the OP has with her MIL. She hates her unless she needs her to do the OP a favor.

This would be one of those "need" situations. Really, read some of her other posts and see if it changes your mind.

 

[mdsoccermom]

Sounds like a lot of posters are grandparents with chips on their shoulder. As a parent, I feel your pain! How hard is it for your MIL to just stay home with your sick daughter? They make it sound like it was her only chance to see her other son's family or that it is her right to do whatever she wants with your daughter when you're not around. Um, no!! My parents watch my kids all the time, love doing it, and are conscientious to follow my rules as much as possible (not that I have many). I guess your MIL doesn't respect you very much. I'd stop using her as a sitter for sure, but I understand how bad that will make everyone feel.

This is a poster who thinks the world revolves around her daughter. She was pissed that someone else in the family (can't remember if it was SIL or a cousin) was having a baby because she thought it would take attention away from her child. She hates her MIL unless she "needs" her MIL to babysit. No matter what her MIL does, it will never be right.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sounds like a lot of posters are grandparents with chips on their shoulder. As a parent, I feel your pain! How hard is it for your MIL to just stay home with your sick daughter? They make it sound like it was her only chance to see her other son's family or that it is her right to do whatever she wants with your daughter when you're not around. Um, no!! My parents watch my kids all the time, love doing it, and are conscientious to follow my rules as much as possible (not that I have many). I guess your MIL doesn't respect you very much. I'd stop using her as a sitter for sure, but I understand how bad that will make everyone feel.

Actually that is not the case. As a Nana, I generally respect what my DD asks of me. So no chip on my shoulder. I do expect to be able to take DGD with me if I go somewhere and that DD trust my judgement.

Most of us are pointing out that while the OP knows that her MIL will not follow this particular rule she continues to leave DD with her when the circumstances suit her. She insists that it is her way or teh highway, MIL continues to take DGD to BIL's. OP complains that MIl should listen to her but then the baby is right back at MIL's house.

It is not fair to blame MIL for ignoring a request but then to refuse to accept the responsibility for placing DD in her home. Like she sees the warning sign that the bridge is down but continues to drive. Then blames the river for being there.

 

[okeydokey]

Because if SIL she wants to live in a filthy house, drug house that on her but there is no need to expose my child to it. I don't care if MIL is taking her to Target or other errands but I think it's completely in my say to ask her not to take her to BIL's home and to not take her to doctor visit with her mother.

You don't seem to be getting it. Then stop leaving her with MIL. Problem solved.

 

[okeydokey]

I do understand the "stop using her" but how am i to do that without pissing her off? I guess in the end I shouldn't worry because she brought this on herself. If she has an issue she can go to DH to deal with it.

You don't have to tell her anything. Just stop calling her for favors. Visit with you child and don't leave her there. When you leave, your daughter leaves with you.

It sounds like she doesn't like you anyway, so what does it matter.

 

[jodifla]

I think that you just don't say anything about the babysitting situation to her. There is no need to hurt her feelings. And I would worry about that, she is your husband's mother, your DD's grandmother. Unless your aim to to alienate her and distance your husband from his family.

Or, distance herself from her husband.

If grandma was doing me babysitting favors, I wouldn't DREAM of telling her she couldn't see her other grandchild at the same time.

I see rocky, rocky, rocky roads ahead for this whole family, based on the actions of one person.

 

[momof3poohlovers]

I do have to say if this woman is such a lousy Mother and has such lousy judgment and has no idea how to successfully and safely raise a child then please answer me this :

How the hell did she do such a great job on your husband that you are happy to be married to and he turned out well enough that you chose him?

Threads like this from first time know it all Moms about their MIL's always crack me up. So if he is OK enough for you to marry maybe she did know a thing or two about raising a child.

This is completely untrue. There have been many instances where parents are abusive or drug addicts and somehow their kids turn out ok. My husband's parents weren't abusive or addicts but they were extremely neglectful and my DH was never supervised from a very young age (he was found wandering the street at 2 years old at 2 AM). However, being the oldest of 4, he became the responsible one and took care of his younger brothers. This led to him growing up to be a wonderful, very responsible man in spite of his parents.

That being said, my MIL watched my kids 1 time. My in-laws had grown up since they had kids themselves and had begged for years to watch my kids. DH and I always agreed that we never let her watch the kids unless we both agreed. Finally, my older one was pretty much able to take care of herself and MIL really wanted to watch them so we figured we would try as I had an appointment with my middle one and my DH had to work. DD was about 9 at the time and my DS was about 2. I was only supposed to be gone an hour. When the appt. was over, I called to let her know I was on my way and she said she had taken my kids to see my SIL's kids play a basketball game. I wasn't happy as she only had a booster seat for my 2 year old. When I got to the rec center I see this child running through the parking lot. It only took me a second to realize it was my child. MIL was on her cell phone and had decided to go outside to talk and take my DS with her. She wasn't paying attention and DS was running around between parked cars with my nephew. Needless to say, she has never been alone with them since then.

My point is, if you don't like what she is doing then don't let her watch your kids. If you do, then don't complain. Also, they are still your DH's parents and even though my in-laws were bad parents, we still visit and bring our children so they can get to know them. My MIL may not like that she isn't allowed to watch them but our children's safety is more important.