Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[mdsoccermom]

I's not like they call us to come visit. Why would I open my house up for MIL to use?

Like I said it was an emergency, DD was on the mend.

It was not an emergency. An emergency would have been if you had to rush your husband to the hospital and you needed someone to take your daughter. Car shopping is not an emergency. You could have taken your daughter with you.

 

[canopynut66]

MIL (shocker) causing riffs again.
I needed MIL to watch DD on Saturday so that DH and I could go shop for a new car. She was fine with it. When we returned to get DD MIL tells us that she took her over to SIL and BIL house for a visit. I was extremely pissed. I've asked her before not to do this and that if she plans on taking her places to just let me know. I think it's in my right to know where she is taking my child especially if I was under the assumption that they were laying low. Am I wrong.

BackgroundD had been running a fever 103/104. I had to take her to the Dr. on Thursday because she was cranky and just not herself. There has been something going around with 3 out of 5 of the kids at her daycare but it caused one child to be rushed to the hospital. DD was on the mend but still a bit cranky on Sat. MIL KNEW ALL OF THIS!

She doesn't seem to get that I don't want DD around BIL, SIL and their son. Why does she keep forcing them together? How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

My Mother always told me if i had a problem with HIS Mother or family let" him" totally handle it as no matter what I said it would be taken wrong. AND if husband had a problem with MY Mother or family then "I" needed to handle it. worked for us for years and worked fine for my adult kids now and their spouses. good luck...

 

[my3sons77]

My opinion. Your car not starting is not an emergency. There are days where my 15 year old van won't start, you figure out the problem and fix it. I would love to rush out and go vehicle hunting but if my child was sick, that's what the internet is for. I know you say she was on the mend but she was still sick.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I wasn't vehicle hunting. I went in knew what I wanted bought it. drove it off the lot Sat. One persons emergency isn't another's. Being car-less is an emergency for me, trust me. My car was old and not worth fixing whatever the problem was.

Canopynut- I wish that he could see that it is easier if we dealt with things like that but he is being a bit of a punk right now.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I wasn't vehicle hunting. I went in knew what I wanted bought it. drove it off the lot Sat. One persons emergency isn't another's. Being car-less is an emergency for me, trust me. My car was old and not worth fixing whatever the problem was.

Canopynut- I wish that he could see that it is easier if we dealt with things like that but he is being a bit of a punk right now.

What people are saying is that it was not an emergency that warranted a babysitter. If you so object to your MIL, then you easily could have taken your daughter. People do it all the time.

You have a choice, figure out how to handle parenthood without relying on your MIL, or learn to deal.

 

[DumboPrincess]

To the OP, I just wanted to say s to you, because I have been there. My MIL thought it was "ok" to take DD1 anywhere she wanted, in her unairconditioned car, or a friend's car. (Friend I didn't even know!) Call me what you will, but I am not now, nor will I ever be ok with MIL (or SIL or FIL) just "taking" DDs anywhere. They had an opportunity to prove themselves, and they did, over and over again. The final straw was MIL trying to take flash photography of DD while she was in the hospital with seizures. DD2 has never been babysat by the inlaws. All visits are now supervised by me and DH, and we only go as a family. I do not regret it one bit.

It sounds like your DH, like mine, does not like conflict, and/or has a problem telling mom no. It is a tough road, but counseling might help. You need your DH to be your partner 100%!

s and prayers to you. Stand by what you know is right for your family, and don't worry about what others say or think. Good luck!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

What people are saying is that it was not an emergency that warranted a babysitter. If you so object to your MIL, then you easily could have taken your daughter. People do it all the time.

You have a choice, figure out how to handle parenthood without relying on your MIL, or learn to deal.

I kindly disagree.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Sorry OP, some people don't understand that even if they are family that doesn't mean they are good people to have in your life or around your children.

Your husband sounds a little like mine and he doesn't like conflict. So he would rather you say something then him say something. He must agree with you about your DD not being around them or he would take he over there himself. But it is your MIL that does that. She sounds like my MIL that likes to force people together just because they are family. It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you just have to tell her how you feel and that you don't want your DD in that enviroment.

You need to explain to your husband your feelings and that you both need to be on the same page about this.
QUOTE]

Also, how long have you been married? It took DH a long time to come to grips with his family situation. He always thought he could "change" them if he had said the right things or helped them enough. Luckily we were married for 5 years before we had kids so we had worked through a lot of those issues before we had our kids (and had a number of fights along the way). Not surprisingly, however, the birth of our first daughter really solidified for him that his family was toxic in many ways and he just didn't want to expose her to it.

We've been married for 5 years together for 10. I think the new dynamic of a child is what is screwing him up. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, he's wrong for not supporting me in front of his parents but then talking about them in the house. I don't think he wants to let them go because they are the only "family" around here. My parents are 4 hours away.

 

[RitaE]

You can kindly disagree all you want but short of a loaded shotgun I don't know of one single way to force your MIL into acting to your dictates of what you think is proper. And really the loaded shotgun option is going to present a whole load of problems beyond the "daughter got In-Law cooties" thing. I wouldn't recommend it.

You have a choice.

Use the MIL babysitter even though you know she's going to do crap you don't like.

Or

Don't use the MIL babysitter.

 

[Nancyg56]

TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THIS!!!! This wasn't a case of Grammy giving too much candy. This Grammy put the child in a car and took her to a location that she knew Mom totally disapproved of...and she didn't tell Mom until after the fact. Whatever her reasons for disapproval of the location are doesn't matter, Grammy should have respected Mom's rule about this.

I am a Nana and when DGD is with me I expect that my DD trusts me to care for her. If she did not then I would expect her to get child care elsewhere. The OP knows that her MIl takes her DD to this house and brought her to MIL's anyway. IMO- she set MIL up to fail again.

I kindly disagree.

But you cannot have it both ways. You want MIL to watch your DD but you know she is going to take her to BIL's home. You are not going to change MIL...........you need to change what you are doing. It is clear that your MIl is not going to worry that you do not want your child with the other members of her family yet you continue to bring your DD to her home. Others have pointed out that car shopping is not an emergency but what they are really saying is that you wanted to go to the dealership, you felt that DD should not accompany you, you called MIL knowing that you do not trust her judgement................and now you are angry. Honestly, they may be questioning your judgement. If you really do not trust MIL you should NOT leave your DD there. Period. If you want her to adjust for you, well it is not going to happen so here is where we say that this is not a happening thing. Pay a babysitter, take DD with you or one of you stays home. The "emergency" will come up again and you need to decide just at what point is is okay for YOU to leave DD with MIL. SHe already knows what she is going to do, it is your turn to decide.

I have a friend who will not...............ever....................not ever ever ever...............leave her kids with her MIL. She does not trust her judgement and let me tell you, car shopping would not constitute an emergency in her opinion.

 

[surfgirl]

I wasn't vehicle hunting. I went in knew what I wanted bought it. drove it off the lot Sat.

I wish that he could see that it is easier if we dealt with things like that but he is being a bit of a punk right now.

If it was that easy, why couldn't your husband stay home for your Princess ? You stated it was an emergency that you BOTH had to go car shopping, then you say it was easy.


I agree that you have bigger issues than just this past weekend. Your husband should be the one to explain to his mother ground rules. And if he won't do that, maybe its because he doesn't agree with your ground rules.

I agree with the above poster that stated your are basically setting your MIL up to fail - because you know she wants to see her other child. You are asking her to choose you over her own child. Good luck with that.

However, after all that, it sounds like you are okay with the consequences of never seeing your MIL. Is your husband ok with those consequences ?

 

[iheartnmr's]

Keep pressing her for information and you'll see how the story changes to suit her needs. It's a proven fact.

 

[SaraJayne]

OP, oh how I wish your MIL was a member of the disboards. I'd love to hear what she has to say about you.

If your DD was sick, one of you should have stayed home with her, period. It only takes one person to buy a car (not that buying a car is an emergency to begin with).

And like another poster said, you can't have it both ways. You seem to hate your MIL, unless you need to take advantage of her..and then complain about it when she does you a favor.

 

[Hannathy]

I do have to say if this woman is such a lousy Mother and has such lousy judgment and has no idea how to successfully and safely raise a child then please answer me this :

How the hell did she do such a great job on your husband that you are happy to be married to and he turned out well enough that you chose him?

Threads like this from first time know it all Moms about their MIL's always crack me up. So if he is OK enough for you to marry maybe she did know a thing or two about raising a child.

Again if your DH isn't worried about it maybe it is time to give it up and let him have a say in his Daughters life also.

 

[Nancyg56]

However, after all that, it sounds like you are okay with the consequences of never seeing your MIL. Is your husband ok with those consequences ?

Actually it sounds like the OP is okay with only seeing the MIL if she needs a favor. And that there are conditions imposed.

I get that the OP is uncomfortable with her BIL. WHen my children were very young I was opposed to my kids being around my DSIL's husband. He was creepy in a very bad way. I never asked my IL's to babysit but I never said that they could not take the kids. The only condition I ever had was that they were never to be with their son IL. If i could nto trust them to honor this wish I would not have left them with them. I never would have asked them to babysit and yet impose a condition on them that I knew they would nto keep.

 

[Scurvy]

MIL (shocker) causing riffs again.
I needed MIL to watch DD on Saturday so that DH and I could go shop for a new car. She was fine with it. When we returned to get DD MIL tells us that she took her over to SIL and BIL house for a visit. I was extremely pissed. I've asked her before not to do this and that if she plans on taking her places to just let me know. I think it's in my right to know where she is taking my child especially if I was under the assumption that they were laying low. Am I wrong.

BackgroundD had been running a fever 103/104. I had to take her to the Dr. on Thursday because she was cranky and just not herself. There has been something going around with 3 out of 5 of the kids at her daycare but it caused one child to be rushed to the hospital. DD was on the mend but still a bit cranky on Sat. MIL KNEW ALL OF THIS!

She doesn't seem to get that I don't want DD around BIL, SIL and their son. Why does she keep forcing them together? How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

When you say "I've asked her before not to do this" do you mean you've asked her not to take your daughter to your brother-in-law's house? Because if so, you already have your answer. There's no point in politely saying you don't want your child there if you've already politely asked and your mother-in-law disregarded your wishes. You are just going to have to decide which is more important to you: having someone available to watch your child in an emergency or keeping your child away from your brother-in-law. Clearly you can't have both if you're relying on your mother-in-law. I went through that and I know how frustrating it can be. There were some foods my son was not supposed to eat when he was younger. Several time when my inlaws were alone with him they fed him those foods. My husband asked them not to, and the next time they did it was the last time they did. There was no confrontation about it, we just stopped leaving him alone with them until he was old enough to avoid the foods he shouldn't eat. Of course my husband was completely onboard with that, which made it much easier. Maybe you and your husband should have a talk about this to be sure you are both on the same page.

Also in my eyes: DD and her fellow daycare mates clearly had something serious. Why would you bring her over to another kids home that also has a pregnant woman living there?

It's possible your mother-in-law underestimated how serious the illness was. She probably assumed that you wouldn't knowingly expose her to a dangerous and contagious illness (especially since she probably sees the pregnant woman regularly), and thought since it was safe for her to be around your daughter it would also be safe for other people to be around her.

Luckily my mom said that she would rather spend the 8 hr round trip to help us out than see DD over there again. She too is upset so I'll have her if need be until I find someone around here.

Your mom sounds great! Unfortunately, it probably isn't realistic to expect her to travel four hours to watch your daughter the next time you have an emergency since four hours can be too long to wait for childcare during a true emergency. I have gotten great recommendations for childcare from the parents of some of my child's friends and classmates. Maybe some of your friends or fellow daycare parents could steer you toward someone responsible. And since you'll be paying them, you should have better luck dictating your rules and expecting the babysitter to adhere to them.

 

[tlbwriter]

I do have to say if this woman is such a lousy Mother and has such lousy judgment and has no idea how to successfully and safely raise a child then please answer me this :

How the hell did she do such a great job on your husband that you are happy to be married to and he turned out well enough that you chose him?

Threads like this from first time know it all Moms about their MIL's always crack me up. So if he is OK enough for you to marry maybe she did know a thing or two about raising a child.

Oh, please. Lots of completely messed-up people raise children who somehow turn out normal. Whether or not the OP is being truthful about her MIL, the idea that "she was good enough to be your husband's mother so she's good enough to be your babysitter" is utterly ridiculous.

 

[tlens]

Oh, please. Lots of completely messed-up people raise children who somehow turn out normal. Whether or not the OP is being truthful about her MIL, the idea that "she was good enough to be your husband's mother so she's good enough to be your babysitter" is utterly ridiculous.

But she was good enough to be her babysitter when it suits her. In my world, when someone does you a favour you shut your mouth unless it's a matter of life and death. I don't believe for a minute there cat and dog poop all over the house. That's just the excuse she thought up as to why she doesn't want her child over there. Why do I think this? Because she feigned concern about the SIL's pregnancy and being around her "on the mend" daughter when that would be of no concern if the SIL was living in filth like that.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I wasn't vehicle hunting. I went in knew what I wanted bought it. drove it off the lot Sat. One persons emergency isn't another's. Being car-less is an emergency for me, trust me. My car was old and not worth fixing whatever the problem was.

Canopynut- I wish that he could see that it is easier if we dealt with things like that but he is being a bit of a punk right now.

If it was that easy then your DD could have gone with you or your DH could have stayed home with her.

If you don't like what your MIL does then stop asking her for favors and figure out how to be a mother without any family support like many other people do.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

But she was good enough to be her babysitter when it suits her. In my world, when someone does you a favour you shut your mouth unless it's a matter of life and death. I don't believe for a minute there cat and dog poop all over the house. That's just the excuse she thought up as to why she doesn't want her child over there. Why do I think this? Because she feigned concern about the SIL's pregnancy and being around her "on the mend" daughter when that would be of no concern if the SIL was living in filth like that.

Because if SIL she wants to live in a filthy house, drug house that on her but there is no need to expose my child to it. I don't care if MIL is taking her to Target or other errands but I think it's completely in my say to ask her not to take her to BIL's home and to not take her to doctor visit with her mother.