Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[TheIncredibles!]

Time to get a nice teenager or neighbor for the last minute needing of a babysitter. The entire reason your child was not with you is because she was just getting over being sick and still not 100%. If she wasn't healthy enough to sit around a dealership for a few hours, what makes your MIL think she's healthy enough to be taken out of the house and taken to another house, being around another child, etc. FWIW, if it were my child, that would be the last time MIL gets to watch her. If she's disrespected my wishes in the past, and again with this, that's all I need to experience...it's done...no more babysitting. You'll be exposed to the nephew and his family at family functions and that sounds like that's about all you need to be. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but she is your child and you have ALL the say. For those that thinks it sounds harsh, well, grandma brought it on herself. She did what she wanted to do and now she gets the consequences for that. She did it to herself. Sorry, but you don't take a recently sick child, like within the last 24-36 hours, around town to visit, cause that's what YOU...MIL/grandma...wanted to do.

You don't take a recently sick child anywhere. Not fair that MIL had to watch the baby to begin with. If the baby was not well enough to tolerate a few hours of car shopping then she was not well enough to go anywhere at all, including to MIL's house.

If she was that sick that she could not go visiting people then the OP's husband should have stayed home with her while the OP went car shopping.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

Honestly, from your DH's reaction and the reasons you want to keep your DD away from SIL & BIL & nephew, it sounds to me like he's really not on the same page as you about that particular issue.

A messy house and a spoiled child are pretty flimsy justification for not allowing your child to have a relationship with her aunt, uncle and cousin. It isn't like your MIL is putting your DD in danger by allowing her to be around them, and I don't think you can fault a grandmother for wanting her grandkids to grow up together as friends/playmates.

Very well said. Family is important and the kids should have the chance to get to know each other. Plus it is rude of you to put MIL in the middle of your problems with her other children

 

[Hannathy]

I don't think your DH will say anything because it doesn't bother him and he doesn't think it is a big deal. IMO that is what he means by saying if it bothers you you say something.

Truthfully it is his child to and if it doesn't bother him and it isn't unsafe which it isn't you do need to compromise. He does get a say.

So what if the little kid takes his clothes off? my DD used to do that also all the time, who really cares? it isn't like they are 12 or 13 yrs old!!
A messy house is so what? Guess you would never come to my house. It is good for kids to be exposed to all different ways of living there isn't only just 1 right way to live.
Wanting to see the new baby's room isn't being a busybody it is just friendly.

I think you need to step back and look at how you are coming off to your MIL,DH and his brother's family cause I can bet what they are saying about you.

 

[Altoqueenkelly]

You don't take a recently sick child anywhere. Not fair that MIL had to watch the baby to begin with. If the baby was not well enough to tolerate a few hours of car shopping then she was not well enough to go anywhere at all, including to MIL's house.

If she was that sick that she could not go visiting people then the OP's husband should have stayed home with her while the OP went car shopping.

Sorry to say this.... but i disagree... I think raising a child is a "it takes a village" type of situation. If MIL knew baby was sick, and agree'd to watch her - i see NO problem with this...

I have had my mother, grandparents, aunts/uncle and other close friends watch my daughter... including times she has been sick and couldnt go to babysitters house with the other children. My mother has even taken my daughter to a DR apt before when i couldnt miss work . I see NO problem with this... I trust my family, and I know they will give my daughter the utmost care. I find NO need to know every detail of where they go and what they do... Iknow they are taking care of her (and more than likely spoiling her rotten )

However, If I DIDNOT trust the members of my family to care for my child in respects of they way I would want her raised, then my daughter would not be staying with them. plain and simple.

Not to judge, and I cannot as I am a single mother and it is a different situation for me as i don't have inlaws or a husband to assist in the care of my child.... If it was THAT big of a deal to have MIL watch the child, I dont really think you can dictate where Grandma takes DD, this is my personal opinion.... If you dont agree/trust MIL to care for your daughter the way you want her to then dont ask her... but you have to keep in mind that it IS her right to know her grandchildren, and you really cannot dictate everything that will happen when kids are with grandma.

 

[brymolmom]

I agree with many of the posters, when you are having a favor done for you - you have to go with the flow.

My mom babysits a LOT for us and there are many things I don't like that she does - too much TV time, too many sweets, etc. But I suck it up and deal with it because she's doing us the favor.

I will say this - I too have asked my mom not to have my kids around my brother. But I would never do it for reasons of a messy house. My brother is a drug addict and just recently got out of jail. I do not allow my children to be around him at all for these reasons.

I do give my mom the option though - I tell her if she wants/needs to see my brother on that day - it is fine, I will get someone else to babysit. But she needs to let me know if he is going to be around on that day so I can make other arrangements - it isn't allowed to be a 'surprise' visit.

So in some ways I feel your pain.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

You can't. I mean, you could mention she is sick and should stay away from other kids, but that would have only helped that time.

 

[Hannathy]

Which reminds me. A 103/104 fever for a little kid is high enough that I would visit an emergency room or urgent care center.

Why? that would be a wasted ER visit and probably expose them to more than they had to start with. little kids tolerate high temps very well. Unless it was an infant under 3 months or was extremely lethargic/unresponsive a moderately high temp isn't enough for an ER visit.

 

[okeydokey]

Why would you take a child that has been sick to your MIL house anyway?

If your MIL continues to do things you do not like - stop going to her for favors. Plain and simple.

Yup.

 

[Leajess99]

MIL (shocker) causing riffs again.
I needed MIL to watch DD on Saturday so that DH and I could go shop for a new car. She was fine with it. When we returned to get DD MIL tells us that she took her over to SIL and BIL house for a visit. I was extremely pissed. I've asked her before not to do this and that if she plans on taking her places to just let me know. I think it's in my right to know where she is taking my child especially if I was under the assumption that they were laying low. Am I wrong.

BackgroundD had been running a fever 103/104. I had to take her to the Dr. on Thursday because she was cranky and just not herself. There has been something going around with 3 out of 5 of the kids at her daycare but it caused one child to be rushed to the hospital. DD was on the mend but still a bit cranky on Sat. MIL KNEW ALL OF THIS!

She doesn't seem to get that I don't want DD around BIL, SIL and their son. Why does she keep forcing them together? How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

I would have been livid too. I tell my son that if he is changing his plans or getting a ride home with someone else to call me first because if the police show up at my door saying something has happened I will be telling them they are wrong as my child was on the school bus or whatever.

Honestly, I have to say that I would find someone else to watch the child and remove mother in law from the situation. I would also have to tell hubby that he needs to step up and tell his mom it is time to go since she keeps backing out of the deal.

Not sure of why you don't want your daughter around your BIL or his family but she should have honored that rather than just left your child there.

 

[tlbwriter]

The cheapest way to pay is with money.

You can continue to let your MIL babysit "for free," and you can pay for it by giving MIL access to your child to do things you don't want her to do. Or you can find another person you trust in an emergency who you can *hire* when needed. If you don't like the ILs being your only support system, build another one.

ETA... if you're going to say anything to your MIL, I would keep it somewhat nonconfrontational. There is no need for you to point out, again, that you don't want your child over there. She already knows that and has chosen to ignore it. I would say "I'm disappointed you took DD to SIL's house. I'm even more disappointed that you did it behind my back. It makes it impossible for me to trust you." Period. And then let the consequences (no more time alone with your child) speak for themselves.

 

[Leajess99]

belle it's more of an issue with BIl and SIl and how they are raising nephew. He takes off his clothes everywhere, even in public, No discipline. he slaps and hits, no discipline.
There home is disgusting dog and cat poop everywhere. They have a rabbit and a guinea pig that they let run around too. it's always disgusting! Dd still puts a lot of things in her mouth because shes getting 5 new teeth right now eek and she picks things up, she explores, shes a kid.

Also in my eyes: DD and her fellow daycare mates clearly had something serious. Why would you bring her over to another kids home that also has a pregnant woman living there?

That house sounds like a health hazard and I would seriously consider contacting CPS for the safety of the child.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think a parent should have complete control over their child IF they are going to care for them 100% of the time. When you have others to care for your child, you loose some of the control. I would look at the bigger picture, does she truly love and care for your child??? If yes, there are things you just have to overlook. If there are dangerous situations such as not putting her in a car seat to drive there etc. that is a different story.

I agree with some of the others that I would have kept my child at home with me after being that sick. Car shopping is not an emergency. One parent could go shopping and the other stayed with the child and communicated with text or phone.

 

[mjkacmom]

My mom will watch my kids, and she can take them wherever she wants - she's doing me a favor! You really want to tell your MIL that her own child's house isn't suitable for your child? How old is naked boy? My kids run around sans clothing for many, many years, and would be very comfortable in front of family until the age of 8 or so.

When my mom is in charge of my children, I expect her to do whatever she wants to do with her day. If I had issues with where she was bringing them, I'd pay a sitter, or ask a friend to watch them (and again, would be fine with a friend bringing them where she had planned to go).

It seems pretty obvious that your DH doesn't agree with you, and I don't blame him.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Car shopping is an emergency when you have an hour commute and you work the opposite direction of your husband.

As for going to the doctor: I took her into the Pediatrician on Thursday at Noon She was running a fever and had two other things going on. Car died on Friday when I tried to go to CVS to pick up a prescriptions.

I'm very upset with Dh because when she does get sick I'm the one who has to take care of her. The last two colds DD had came from my nephew
And there is a difference between a messy home and a filthy one with animal feces all over the floors and rugs.

 

[Mkrop]

Car shopping is an emergency when you have an hour commute and you work the opposite direction of your husband.As for going to the doctor: I took her into the Pediatrician on Thursday at Noon She was running a fever and had two other things going on. Car died on Friday when I tried to go to CVS to pick up a prescriptions.

I'm very upset with Dh because when she does get sick I'm the one who has to take care of her. The last two colds DD had came from my nephew
And there is a difference between a messy home and a filthy one with animal feces all over the floors and rugs.

Car shopping is only an emergency for one of you. One could stay home with the child while the other one goes out. Or you rent a car until you can bring her with you. If you want your MIL to watch your child in the future you need to tell her how you feel, if she wont abide by your wishes then you cant ask for free babysitting.

I get that you dont want the child over your BIL's house but if you dont trust your MIL then you dont ask her.

 

[mercydisney]

why would you take a child that has been sick to your mil house anyway?

If your mil continues to do things you do not like - stop going to her for favors. Plain and simple.

this

 

[Alice's Mommy]

Pay a sitter. When you use free sitting you have to deal with what it comes with. She is your Mother/family not a paid employee. If you want someone to follow your orders the get someone who will because they are an employee. Other wise just say thank you for watching her.

I always found it was just easier to go with the flow when my family watched my kids, in reality it doesn't really matter what they do or don't do in the minuscule amount of time in the large scheme of things that they have the kids It is what I do the 99% of the time in a child's life that they are with me that matters.

TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THIS!!!! This wasn't a case of Grammy giving too much candy. This Grammy put the child in a car and took her to a location that she knew Mom totally disapproved of...and she didn't tell Mom until after the fact. Whatever her reasons for disapproval of the location are doesn't matter, Grammy should have respected Mom's rule about this.

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm very upset with Dh because when she does get sick I'm the one who has to take care of her.

This is an issue between you and DH. It sounds like you two need to talk about what's best for your DD. Because this seems to be at least the second major disagreement between you two (counting visiting cousin).

The last two colds DD had came from my nephew

Really? I thought you said DD was in daycare. How do you know she didn't pick up the colds from there? I've had kids in daycare for the last 12 years. I've never been told "there's a cold going around" unless I brought it up first.

And there is a difference between a messy home and a filthy one with animal feces all over the floors and rugs.

As mentioned, if it's that bad, contact the authorities because it can't be healthy for your nephew or the one on the way.

As for the original scenario, does MIL know why you don't want DD visiting her other grandchild? I think you let this one go and don't use MIL as a sitter anymore.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THIS!!!! This wasn't a case of Grammy giving too much candy. This Grammy put the child in a car and took her to a location that she knew Mom totally disapproved of...and she didn't tell Mom until after the fact. Whatever her reasons for disapproval of the location are doesn't matter, Grammy should have respected Mom's rule about this.

Next time Grammy should just say no, if you don't like me taking my granddaughter to see family she would not otherwise get to know then you will need to PAY someone else to watch your kid. Respect goes both ways, OP obviously doesn't respect her MIL's judgment so way should MIL respect OPs judgment when it comes to MIL's kid. OP is getting money free babysitting but everything has a cost, perhaps it is time for OP to choose which way she wants to pay, in money or in mutual trust and respect with MIL. My guess is DH doesn't wholeheartedly agree with OP, after all she is insulting members of his family.

 

[dzorn]

When my MIL or my mom has DD she can take them wherever she chooses. If I did not trust her judgment they would not be there to begin with.

Car shopping is not an emergency especially with a sick child at home.

Denise in MI