Advice, anyone deal with infertility?

[FlyingDumbo]

My husbands best friend and his wife have been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. They borrowed against their home and did in vitro and saw all kinds of specialists.it had been very emotional and his wife lost her job due to all the mossed work and such. We used to be somewhat close, due to the best friendship of our husbands. I know from the past that any time someone announces a pregnancy she bursts into tears and goes home to cry. She then stops talking to whomever had a baby and never talks to them again. i know she is hurt, but she is also a bit irrational. I witnessed it first hand a few times. Well when we announced my pregnancy,I called her , I didn't want her to see it on Facebook. She said congratulations, Ill talk to you later, she then unfriended me on Facebook and I have not heard from her since. I've reached out a few times since my then ( 4times) she never responds to my calls or emails. Her husband and my husband talk all the time via phone as we live 18 hours away.her husband said its just too hard for her. Well we are going to be in town next week for the holiday and we are supposed to meet them for dinner. I feel so awkward abut it, and about having the baby there. I don't know how she will react. I don't want to make her feel bad. But well, what am I Supposed to do? Her husband i insists it is going to be fine. Any tips on dealing with this super awkward dinner I want to skip? I think the guys should go hang out. She and I were friends through them.

 

[anniemae]

Just put on a brave face and make the best of it. She is hurting due to not having children, and those feelings are very hard to reconcile.

She may be weepy, she may get angry, or she may be fine. If she is weepy or angry, just don't take if personally. Wanting children and not being able to have them is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy. While it seems irrational to drop friends who have babies, I'm sure it was simply too painful for her to bear. Seeing friends lives move forward, grow and flourish while yours stands still is a tough place to be.

Hopefully she will put on a brave face for the dinner, but know she will probably fall apart when you leave. You didn't do anything wrong by having kids, so it's not you she is upset with, it is her situation. Maybe enough time has passed that she has accepted not having children.

 

[DebbieB]

My husbands best friend and his wife have been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. They borrowed against their home and did in vitro and saw all kinds of specialists.it had been very emotional and his wife lost her job due to all the mossed work and such. We used to be somewhat close, due to the best friendship of our husbands. I know from the past that any time someone announces a pregnancy she bursts into tears and goes home to cry. She then stops talking to whomever had a baby and never talks to them again. i know she is hurt, but she is also a bit irrational. I witnessed it first hand a few times. Well when we announced my pregnancy,I called her , I didn't want her to see it on Facebook. She said congratulations, Ill talk to you later, she then unfriended me on Facebook and I have not heard from her since. I've reached out a few times since my then ( 4times) she never responds to my calls or emails. Her husband and my husband talk all the time via phone as we live 18 hours away.her husband said its just too hard for her. Well we are going to be in town next week for the holiday and we are supposed to meet them for dinner. I feel so awkward abut it, and about having the baby there. I don't know how she will react. I don't want to make her feel bad. But well, what am I Supposed to do? Her husband i insists it is going to be fine. Any tips on dealing with this super awkward dinner I want to skip? I think the guys should go hang out. She and I were friends through them.

If you don't have anyone to watch the baby while you go to dinner, I would let the guys hang out.

 

[YachtClubWoman]

I have been there. When you are going through infertility emotions are everywhere and the drugs don't help (steroids and hormones are not a good combination for rational thought). I never went to baby showers. Plus there is the dynamic when there are friends have babies and the other friend does not, the friendship is never the same. The friend with child needs to redirect there time.

I would trust the husbands judgement but if your not comfortable taking the baby get a sitter.

We did IVF and did not get pregnant and 13 years later I am very happy with my life, but it took time.

 

[lisaviolet]

My husbands best friend and his wife have been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. They borrowed against their home and did in vitro and saw all kinds of specialists.it had been very emotional and his wife lost her job due to all the mossed work and such. We used to be somewhat close, due to the best friendship of our husbands. I know from the past that any time someone announces a pregnancy she bursts into tears and goes home to cry. She then stops talking to whomever had a baby and never talks to them again. i know she is hurt, but she is also a bit irrational. I witnessed it first hand a few times. Well when we announced my pregnancy,I called her , I didn't want her to see it on Facebook. She said congratulations, Ill talk to you later, she then unfriended me on Facebook and I have not heard from her since. I've reached out a few times since my then ( 4times) she never responds to my calls or emails. Her husband and my husband talk all the time via phone as we live 18 hours away.her husband said its just too hard for her. Well we are going to be in town next week for the holiday and we are supposed to meet them for dinner. I feel so awkward abut it, and about having the baby there. I don't know how she will react. I don't want to make her feel bad. But well, what am I Supposed to do? Her husband i insists it is going to be fine. Any tips on dealing with this super awkward dinner I want to skip? I think the guys should go hang out. She and I were friends through them.

Edit. Because I know it's a sensitive subject for many.

Just be. It's sometimes a no win situation. And this sounds like it.

 

[Glynis]

You could be talking about me! DH and I were married for 7 years TTC the whole time. Every month was a heartache for me. I hated myself each and every month because I failed at the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. I avoided friends who were pregnant until I had a handle on my emotions. There was no facebook in those days, but if there was I would have probably unfriended people. Not because I was angry that they were having babies and I couldn't, but because it hurt to be reminded of it all the time. Let's face it, people who have babies talk about their babies all the time... that's not bad, it's just the way it is. Women who can't have babies see it as a slap in the face when it's not meant that way, AT ALL! After a while I would be able to get hold of my emotions, and could be around pregnant friends and family with a happy face.

If your friends husband says that things will be ok, believe him. Yes, it will be awkward, but you not being there will be an even bigger slap in the face for your friend. If I were you, I'd have your DH ask her DH if she would like the baby there, or not. If not, arrange a sitter, and go to dinner as couples. Once out to dinner, do not talk about the baby all the time. Try to remember that any mention of babies is going to turn the mood of the evening. Let her bring the baby up, and if she truly wants to know, she will ask.

If you have any other questions, please ask me. Infertility was a descent into Hades for me, and it's not something I would wish on anyone!

 

[FlyingDumbo]

A sitters not an option, we are staying in a hotel and driving about an hour to meet them.

 

[lauradis]

What if you don't bring baby and upset her?

What if she flips out because you bring the baby?

What if its not baby's but woman that can have them that upsets her?

I would let go of the what ifs and do what my hubby wants. Don't start the new mom baby talk, unless she ask, don't pity her, just try to act normal as possible.

Good luck.

 

[EMom]

Thank God for your baby and that you are not in her shoes. Having been in her shoes, I can tell you that every time she hears someone else is pregnant, (especially if it came easily) it is like a knife to the heart. The pain is actually physical. Studies show that the depression from infertility is about the same as that suffered by people with terminal cancer. If you haven't dealt with it, you can't really understand. It's not irrational. I could go into everything that suffers when you have infertility (marriage, friendships, finances, your job, etc.) but it permeates your life and not in a good way.

And you cannot get away from the babies. Every time you see one or hear of a pregnancy, it is a cruel reminder that you may NEVER have a baby. EVER. You ask why it comes so easily to others while you sweat blood, money and tears for nothing but heartbreak. This woman is in constant pain. It wears on you.

When DH and I were going through infertility, a good friend and his wife got pregnant and had a couples shower. We had to miss it. I asked DH, "What is worse? Not going and letting everyone else have a good time? Or going and inevitably bursting into tears and putting a damper on the day?" A trip to the mall during the week, with all the strollers, is torture. A trip anywhere becomes torture.

Maybe she has unfriended her friends with babies because the CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT reminders of what will likely never be hers causes her too much suffering and grief. She is protecting herself the best way she can. You simply cannot fathom the impact of neverending, constant, excruciating pain unless you have lived it. When I say you have no clue, I don't mean to be rude. I literally mean....You have no clue. And be grateful you don't.

Maybe you could have your DH give them a choice of you all meeting or just the guys going out. Give her a graceful exit. And have some compassion.

 

[anniemae]

I also wanted to add that as much as you are dreading the dinner, she is probably dreading it worse.

I agree with giving her an "out" by asking your hubby to see if they want to make it "guys only." Or you reach out to her to see what she is thinking.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

She did not respond to my message. Her husband insists it will be fine. I don't believe him.

 

[DebbieB]

She did not respond to my message. Her husband insists it will be fine. I don't believe him.

If it turns out bad, then it's his fault.

 

[MariDisney]

I've struggled with infertility for the better part of 2 decades. The PPs have summed up the emotions, so I won't go into it any more. Suffice it to say it can be almost debilitating.

If I were you I'd make my excuses the day of. I'd say I got a stomach bug or something. Because she wants to be socially appropriate she may have a hard time saying to even her husband that it is too hard for her. So, I'd probably just bow out and then either the 3 of them could meet or just the husbands.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

A sitters not an option, we are staying in a hotel and driving about an hour to meet them.

Then I wouldnt go and let the men hang out.

If I was that emotional about not being able to conceive and then the couple we were meeting showed up with their baby, it may be too much to handle.

She has not returned your messages or phone calls. Theres your answer.

Nothing against men, but its sometimes difficult for them to understand the situation. He may not feel like her and having a baby is not as big a deal. He may think she'll be ok but I dont think so from what you wrote.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

My best friend's sister is having fertility problems and is dealing with it by isolating herself or being mean to people with kids and their kids (like her sister and nieces).

You are in a no win situation. I think you have to trust her husband when he says it's fine. If it turns out not to be, well, that is on him. He might want to spend time with you and your baby, as much as she doesn't want to. Everyone deals with it differently.

Believe it or not, I understand the pain. At age 20 I was told I had only a small chance of having kids, and if I didn't have them by 25 then I would have no chance. Well 25 came and went and I dealt with the pain and feeling of inadequacy and loss by spending as much time with my friends' kids as I could. As it turns out, the surgeries I had actually worked and I was able to have a baby, so I suffered for nothing, but I know how lucky I am.

But my point is that while this person may deal by avoiding babies, don't assume that all women with fertility issues will deal with it the same way. Others may want to be around your child because they find it healing. There is no wrong or right way.

 

[dakcp2001]

I debated whether or not I should respond to this thread. I have lived with infertility and the desperation that comes with it. I have walked in your friends shoes. I went through a few very difficult years like where she seems to be right now. I will give you some advice, but all people are different and handle stress differently so take it with a grain of salt. I think if she is still not speaking to you, has not returned your messages, and is not communicating with you at all, you should not go meet up with her and bring the baby. It will not go well. Everything you say will be perceived as hurtful. You have a new baby, thats probably all you talk about. You will have to walk on eggshells to not say something wrong. I don't believe she is ready to meet up with you and your baby or you would have heard from her. That being said, her husband may very well want to see and meet your new baby. Maybe the guys can meet up and he can see the baby. Just because she is swearing off all babies does not mean he might not enjoy spending time with them. It would be less stressful for everyone if it was just the guys.

I would like to say that like Stitches, I found comfort in being around other peoples babies. Still do in fact! I love to babysit, spend time with them, and spoil them with love and gifts. I find it comforting. So give her some time. Maybe she will contact you out of the blue. It took me years to get where I am now.

 

[hipporina]

An additional thought to throw in the mix - I found it a lot harder to be around pregnant women than around babies. I don't know why that was, but it was. She may genuinely be okay with you and your baby being there.

One of the harder aspects of dealing with infertility is dealing with the guilt you feel over your negative feelings towards others. When my sisters got pregnant and we couldn't, I hated myself for my inability to be completely happy for them. To not go might emphasize that for her.

As far as the actual dinner, the baby and topic of the baby is going to be the proverbial elephant in the room. You can't ignore it and to try to is going to be completely awkward. Don't be afraid to bring it up, but don't dwell on it either.

Being aware of her feelings and situation already puts you miles ahead of most people in helping her through the situation. Good luck!

 

[minkydog]

Nothing against men, but its sometimes difficult for them to understand the situation. He may not feel like her and having a baby is not as big a deal. He may think she'll be ok but I dont think so from what you wrote.

I agree. We went through many years of infertility, and although my DH went along with everything for my sake, he never had the emotional investment that I had. Honestly, he wouldn't have been upset at all if we never had children. He loves them now, of course, but he would have never initiated treatment if I hadn't insisted.

The worst thing that every happened between us was when I lost my second baby at 15 weeks. I was over the moon that I was pregnant, and I was equally devastated when the baby died. The day after I miscarried(Dec.24), DH tried to cheer me up by pointing out that we would be financially better off because I could go to work and not have daycare costs. I kid you not. After 2 weeks of watching me cry and mourn, he decided that I was just carrying on for attention, that it wasn't that big a deal because I couldn't possibly have been all that attached to a group of cells.

If we hadn't just moved 1000 miles from home with our 3 year old, I would have left him on the spot. I managed to get on with my life, but I could not forgive DH for a very long time. He is very lucky that I hung in there. We've been married 32 years and I still think of that baby frequently. I'm sure it never crosses his mind.

 

[Robbi]

Bring your baby. If she's yoour friend, she will be happy for you. My husband and I went through the infertility merry go round and my friends were getting pregnant left and right. I was thrilled for them although I did cry in private.

Also, has your friend ever had your thyroid checked? It was a problem for both me and my SIL. Once we went on meds, we got pregnant w/in 3 months. Dinner might not be the best time to bring it up unless she starts talking about it.

 

[LJSquishy]

If she is not presently returning your calls, texts, emails, etc you should not meet with her. She's not ready. Either let your husband go by himself, or make an excuse for neither of you to go.

I've been struggling with infertility for 7 years. Please do not go...she does not want to see you or your baby (or hear about the baby or see pictures). You may not fully understand why she would shut you out of her life, but she has to. It's a coping mechanism and she doesn't know how to protect herself any other way. Just let it be and move on with your life. It's time to stop trying to reach out to her.