Advice, anyone deal with infertility?

[apirateslifeforme]

I spent this summer having 1 failed IUI and 3 failed IVFs (found out in the last one that I pretty much have no eggs left at age 39; the 5 follicles that I did have had nothing in them). DH and I got donor eggs and I'm in the middle of the shut-down phase (very painful, both physically and emotionally).

I have a friend that I've known for 25 years who is very fertile and whose life revolves around her 2 sons. That's all she ever posts on Facebook, stuff about her kids, milestones, photos, etc. I no longer "like" her posts. She no longer messages me to ask how I'm doing; every time she did, her response to my response was "oh geez," and then she'd change the subject - to her kids. I feel like she doesn't really care and if this donor egg cycle works, I don't really want her at any shower that might be given - "you weren't there for me during the fight, so don't act all happy at the victory" (I know, I sound extremely bitter, and I'll admit that I probably am).

That said, my mother and I had a Tastefully Simple party in September and she brought the two boys. I was kind of resentful at first - when my mother insisted on buying age-appropriate snacks, I said, "That's their mother's job, not ours." BUT...to my surprise, I loved having them there. I really wasn't expecting that reaction. At one point, the younger one came toddling up to me (just learned how to walk), I picked him up, and I didn't want to give him back! For some reason, all my resentment was forgotten for that little bit of time. And I do feel horrible about my feelings. I'm just saying that I thought I'd react one way, but I didn't.

I love being around pregnant women, though. When I see them in the RE's office, I've actually asked them to please breathe on me (thankfully, they get the joke).

 

[FlyingDumbo]

I really do not want to go. I am going to bow out. I am only home for 3 precious days. There are so many people I want to see. I am really sorry that she is not able to have a baby right now. I do hope she is able to at some point. She cried on my shoulder for years. I get that she has a lot on her plate right now. She has not spoken to me in over a year. Not when I was admitted to the hospital 3 separate times, not when my husband was in a car wreck, not when the baby arrived.That is pretty hurtful, although I get while she is doing it. I feel like if she really wanted to meet up she would have responded to my message, it was my last attempt to reach out. I am not trying to be mean. I just don't feel like its a good idea. I feel like our husbands would have a much better time on their own. I don't think she wants to see me anyway.

Really what it comes down to is this, I only have 3 days at home. My husbands family lives 2.5 hours away from my family so we are staying in the middle. Every minute is precious, we are going to spend a lot of time in the car. I would rather spend the time with people who want to spend it with me. Not suffering through a super uncomfortable dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there. And someone that clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

 

[EMom]

Bring your baby. If she's yoour friend, she will be happy for you. My husband and I went through the infertility merry go round and my friends were getting pregnant left and right. I was thrilled for them although I did cry in private.

That's like saying a recent young widow would be happy to see a friend's wedding photos. She might be happy for her newly married friend, but her own pain is too raw. The OP's friend has shown that she is not a "put on a brave face and save the crying for when I'm alone" type person. She is dissolving into tears in publc. I'd say a dinner with a little baby will probably be too much for her. My guess is her brain will go to, "They have a baby this year for Christmas and I don't. What if I never have one?" Then her mind will picture all the "first Christmas with baby" joys that she may never experience. And she's supposed to make conversation over dinner while imagining all that? I don't think so. Her track record does not suggest the dinner will be a pleasant experience for her.

After 6 years of infertility, losing a job because of treatment and taking out loans on her house to pay for IVF, she'd probably sooner jump in front of a train than have dinner with a couple and their new baby. Her DH doesn't seem to get that or he just doesn't know how to admit it.

 

[JediBonas]

I understand how you can feel how she acts is irrational, but having been through infertility myself I totally understand her reaction. Sometimes it's impossible to try to keep the pain and tears to yourself. Honestly, the biggest kindness one of my friends did during our struggles is tell me of her pregnancy through email so I didn't have to try not to break down in front of her.

I agree with many others, don't go, especially not with the baby.

 

[EMom]

I really do not want to go. I am going to bow out. I am only home for 3 precious days. There are so many people I want to see. I am really sorry that she is not able to have a baby right now. I do hope she is able to at some point. She cried on my shoulder for years. I get that she has a lot on her plate right now. She has not spoken to me in over a year. Not when I was admitted to the hospital 3 separate times, not when my husband was in a car wreck, not when the baby arrived.That is pretty hurtful, although I get while she is doing it. I feel like if she really wanted to meet up she would have responded to my message, it was my last attempt to reach out. I am not trying to be mean. I just don't feel like its a good idea. I feel like our husbands would have a much better time on their own. I don't think she wants to see me anyway.

Really what it comes down to is this, I only have 3 days at home. My husbands family lives 2.5 hours away from my family so we are staying in the middle. Every minute is precious, we are going to spend a lot of time in the car. I would rather spend the time with people who want to spend it with me. Not suffering through a super uncomfortable dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there. And someone that clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

I think this is probably the right thing to do. You have your problems and she has hers. You want to see family and that is understandable. When you went through some hard times, it was hurtful that she did not contact you and I get that. The only explanation I can give is that it is not a matter of her not caring about others. She's probably just trying to keep breathing. It's like drowning when there is no life preserver in sight. You are struggling just to keep your head above water. There may be someone else in bad shape and in need of help, but you are simply struggling to survive and not doing a very good job of it. That is where she is.

 

[okeydokey]

She did not respond to my message. Her husband insists it will be fine. I don't believe him.

Then don't go. Have your husband reach out to hers and change the plans to just a guy's get together.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm wondering if her DH is trying to force the issue -- trying to convince himself (as well as his wife) that everything will be fine, to just do it and she'll be forced to cope. um, no. not gonna happen. I hope that some day she'll be in a better frame of mind, and reach out to you, but right now she hasn't worked through the grief and needs more time.

 

[Disneyland1084]

Both my sister and my cousin suffered from infertility. You wouldn't think it by looking at them because out of the WHOLE family, those two are in the best of shape. My sister did several treatments, and finally did IVF. By some miracle, it worked the first time and she had a baby girl. A year and a half later she got pregnant with an oopsie baby. Another girl. So she's really happy. My cousin suffered from years of infertility. She did several rounds of IVF and finally had a baby boy in August.

 

[phorsenuf]

She knows you are going to be there with the baby, so I would think the ball is in her court. If she can handle, she will show. If not, then she will bow out. Not sure why you are the one that would need to. I would think that if she went and was expecting to see you and you don't show, it may hurt her even more. I would leave the decision to her.

 

[firecracker725]

Both my sister and my cousin suffered from infertility. You wouldn't think it by looking at them because out of the WHOLE family, those two are in the best of shape. My sister did several treatments, and finally did IVF. By some miracle, it worked the first time and she had a baby girl. A year and a half later she got pregnant with an oopsie baby. Another girl. So she's really happy. My cousin suffered from years of infertility. She did several rounds of IVF and finally had a baby boy in August.

What exactly do you mean here?

 

[moon]

If you don't have anyone to watch the baby while you go to dinner, I would let the guys hang out.

This. If you can't get a sitter, just let the guys hang out

 

[lisaviolet]

She knows you are going to be there with the baby, so I would think the ball is in her court. If she can handle, she will show. If not, then she will bow out. Not sure why you are the one that would need to. I would think that if she went and was expecting to see you and you don't show, it may hurt her even more. I would leave the decision to her.

Phorsenuf, pasting you only to address the why OP is saying no IMO.

_______________________________________________

I can't quite figure out who made the original arrangements.

But I would guess one of the husbands.

So let's give the OP a break too. She's been there for the friend. She says she cried on her shoulder many times over the years over the infertility (what a friend should do -be there).

The friend unfriended her on facebook without explanation but we all know why. Because she told her she was pregnant.

OP dealt with that. Didn't let that stop her from reaching out and having compassion.

OP has still reached out over the last year by phone and by email and received no response.

So there is vulnerability for her. And I'm guessing the husband just wants everything to be okay and made arrangements for a dinner. Guessing. Since there has been no contact between the wives. Maybe I'm wrong.

I would have immediately explained that I couldn't make it if I wasn't the one who made the arrangements and if pushed told the truth - I don't think it's a good idea given the choices made in the last year. Just the truth.

One can still have compassion for another but there are our own personal boundaries as well.

 

[lisaviolet]

What exactly do you mean here?

I shouldn't answer because I'm obviously only guessing but I thought she was giving them credit as they have been through so much heartache over the infertility but are the most *together* couple in emotional/life/rational ways of the entire family.

 

[Styx Fan]

_______________________________________________

I can't quite figure out who made the original arrangements.

But I would guess one of the husbands.

So let's give the OP a break too. She's been there for the friend. She says she cried on her shoulder many times over the years over the infertility (what a friend should do -be there).

The friend unfriended her on facebook without explanation but we all know why. Because she told her she was pregnant.

OP dealt with that. Didn't let that stop her from reaching out and having compassion.

OP has still reached out over the last year by phone and by email and received no response.

So there is vulnerability for her. And I'm guessing the husband just wants everything to be okay and made arrangements for a dinner. Guessing. Since there has been no contact between the wives. Maybe I'm wrong.

I would have immediately explained that I couldn't make it if I wasn't the one who made the arrangements and if pushed told the truth - I don't think it's a good idea given the choices made in the last year. Just the truth.

One can still have compassion for another but there are our own personal boundaries as well.

I totally agree. Being a good person/friend doesn't mean allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again. OP has had some very serious issues/milestones come up in her own life during this time and received no support from her friend. And while that is understandable due to the friends issues, OP does not have to keep opening herself up to more rejection and hurt. She has tried and tried. Friends actions show she is not in a place to have this relationship. Not judging, just seems to be a fact. And since the time OP has for friends and family is so very limited I see no reason to put either one of them through this pressure cooker of a dinner. Let DH have a guys night, OP can nurture her relationships with those whom she actually has a relationship.

 

[Disney Doll]

Went through 8 years of infertility in my 30s. Yes it was quite difficult and heartbreaking.

But seeing a post like this makes me glad I chose the way I did in terms of my behavior. You see, I made a conscious decision that I was NOt going to be the wet blanket in my circle of friends because they could have children and I could not. I always felt that a baby was a blessing for whomever was having it and I was happy to have my friends blessed.

I had more than one friend crying as she told me she was expecting because she knew it would make me feel bad on some level. That was bad enough for me to know that in the midst of their happiness that I was causing them some sadness. To add to that by not being able to speak to them, look at them, go to their baby shower etc. would have been unthinkable for me. I wasn't looking to lose friends during that time period. My friends were my rock. Their children brought me joy. They still do. There was no FB back then so unfriending wasn't an option.

So to the OP I wills say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your friend has determined that her needs trump yours in the friendship. I am fairly certain that based on this woman's behavior in the past that she will cancel at the last minute because she will not be able to bear being with the baby. If she doesn't then just act normal. The issue is hers not yours. You have been more than thoughtful and considerate in terms of her needs. Unfortunately she has not afforded you the same courtesy.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, I know you are probably hurting that your friend has distanced herself from you. But please just understand that infertility turns people into someone they never intended to become. It's something you can't understand unless you have been there. I was there once. Everything you took for granted in life comes into question...... while the rest of the world just goes on as normal. It's as if you are on a ride you don't want to be on but just don't know how to get off.

It really sounds to me like the friend's husband is just clueless. A dinner out with a baby is really going to be hard for her. And with the baby there, a fair amount of conversation is going be about the baby. I know it's probably difficult for the husband to continue to deal with the wife. He probably feels like life for them has stopped on many levels. He just wants to move on. He wants to "fix" everything.

Eventually they will find their way out. But in the mean time, this really just needs to be a guys' night out. Give her more space. I know you have already given her a lot of space. But until she resolves this with 1) a baby or 2) acceptance...... she still needs more space. And she wishes she didn't.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My husbands best friend and his wife have been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. They borrowed against their home and did in vitro and saw all kinds of specialists.it had been very emotional and his wife lost her job due to all the mossed work and such. We used to be somewhat close, due to the best friendship of our husbands. I know from the past that any time someone announces a pregnancy she bursts into tears and goes home to cry. She then stops talking to whomever had a baby and never talks to them again. i know she is hurt, but she is also a bit irrational. I witnessed it first hand a few times. Well when we announced my pregnancy,I called her , I didn't want her to see it on Facebook. She said congratulations, Ill talk to you later, she then unfriended me on Facebook and I have not heard from her since. I've reached out a few times since my then ( 4times) she never responds to my calls or emails. Her husband and my husband talk all the time via phone as we live 18 hours away.her husband said its just too hard for her. Well we are going to be in town next week for the holiday and we are supposed to meet them for dinner. I feel so awkward abut it, and about having the baby there. I don't know how she will react. I don't want to make her feel bad. But well, what am I Supposed to do? Her husband i insists it is going to be fine. Any tips on dealing with this super awkward dinner I want to skip? I think the guys should go hang out. She and I were friends through them.

Yes, my sister.

Just go and make the best of things. You cannot control other people and their responses to this issue. I am sure she is depressed over it however that is out of your control, remember that.

She may show or she may bow out of the dinner. Leave that decision to her and not you.

 

[Disney Doll]

And you see, I'm a firm believer in behavior being a choice.

When I was going through it made the decision not to be a big wet blanket on everyone around me.

 

[scoutie]

And you see, I'm a firm believer in behavior being a choice.

When I was going through it made the decision not to be a big wet blanket on everyone around me.

People are different. It's great that you were able to choose to feel better. For some people, it's not that easy.

I've gone through infertility and a late term loss, which was extremely painful. I remember that there was a teacher on my floor who was pregnant. She would complain about her pregnancy all the time around me, and even said, "I wish I could go into premature labor. It's SO HARD being pregnant." The OP's friend is probably surrounded by this all the time. People can be incredibly cruel and insensitive. She probably chose to feel ok about it for awhile, but after six years? It just gets really hard. I always told people who refused to understand, that it was like if all of their friends had a great big warm house while they lived in a tent in the backyard. The friends would say, "Well, having a big house isn't that great. It's a lot of work. You're probably not trying hard enough to get a house. Maybe God doesn't want you to have a house. At least you have a tent. You should feel grateful for that. Maybe if you'd just relax, God would give you a house. You should just choose to love your tent. It's a choice to be happy about your tent. Don't be rude to us who have a big house. Get over it." And then at the end of the night, while the friends all go to their big, warm houses, and you crawl into the tent in your backyard.

It's just such a kick in the gut ALL THE TIME. I'm sure the friend is hearing that God isn't blessing her with a child because he doesn't think she'd be a good mother, or that she's not trying hard enough, or she should just relax, or that having kids isn't that great...she should borrow your baby to see what it's like not to sleep through the night. I heard all of those things and more.

After my late term loss (a lot of people didn't understand that I had to give birth to the baby who died in my arms, that my milk came in, that I was still dealing with post partum emotions with no baby to make it better)....I remember sitting in my car for ten minutes trying to get up the strength to go into work every single day. There were times that I would have to go into the bathroom between the class breaks to cry. Pregnant people, children and babies are everywhere. There's no break from it.

Be kind to your friend. Send a note saying you're thinking of her and you want to give her some space, but that you are there for her when she needs you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Interesting how everyone's experiences with and responses to the infertility nightmare vary. I lived it for several years myself and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, either.

I read this thread last night, and again today.

What I'm trying to get is a sense of whether there is any sensitivity toward the friend (or is it just the "husband's friend's wife") from the OP. And frankly, I don't see it. Perhaps it's writing style or whatever, but I don't see any real understanding or even attempt at understanding the friend (with a few criticisms thrown in for good measure), and maybe that is what the friend is picking up on. IME generally a little sensitivity goes a long way here. And by that I mean simply acknowledging the "loss" (and it is a loss of ability to do what others can take for granted, involves a grieving process, etc.), letting the person talk about it, and limiting the "gushiness" factor of talking about your new baby. (And I differentiate that from seeing the baby; that I would be ok with, hey it's not the baby's fault!)

My husbands best friend and his wife have been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. They borrowed against their home and did in vitro and saw all kinds of specialists.it had been very emotional and his wife lost her job due to all the mossed work and such. We used to be somewhat close, due to the best friendship of our husbands. I know from the past that any time someone announces a pregnancy she bursts into tears and goes home to cry. She then stops talking to whomever had a baby and never talks to them again. i know she is hurt, but she is also a bit irrational. I witnessed it first hand a few times. Well when we announced my pregnancy,I called her , I didn't want her to see it on Facebook. She said congratulations, Ill talk to you later, she then unfriended me on Facebook and I have not heard from her since. I've reached out a few times since my then ( 4times) she never responds to my calls or emails. Her husband and my husband talk all the time via phone as we live 18 hours away.her husband said its just too hard for her. Well we are going to be in town next week for the holiday and we are supposed to meet them for dinner. I feel so awkward abut it, and about having the baby there. I don't know how she will react. I don't want to make her feel bad. But well, what am I Supposed to do? Her husband i insists it is going to be fine. Any tips on dealing with this super awkward dinner I want to skip? I think the guys should go hang out. She and I were friends through them.

A sitters not an option, we are staying in a hotel and driving about an hour to meet them.

She did not respond to my message. Her husband insists it will be fine. I don't believe him.

I really do not want to go. I am going to bow out. I am only home for 3 precious days. There are so many people I want to see. I am really sorry that she is not able to have a baby right now. I do hope she is able to at some point. She cried on my shoulder for years. I get that she has a lot on her plate right now. She has not spoken to me in over a year. Not when I was admitted to the hospital 3 separate times, not when my husband was in a car wreck, not when the baby arrived.That is pretty hurtful, although I get while she is doing it. I feel like if she really wanted to meet up she would have responded to my message, it was my last attempt to reach out. I am not trying to be mean. I just don't feel like its a good idea. I feel like our husbands would have a much better time on their own. I don't think she wants to see me anyway.

Really what it comes down to is this, I only have 3 days at home. My husbands family lives 2.5 hours away from my family so we are staying in the middle. Every minute is precious, we are going to spend a lot of time in the car. I would rather spend the time with people who want to spend it with me. Not suffering through a super uncomfortable dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there. And someone that clearly doesn't want to talk to me.

Flying Dumbo, I understand them, but I feel a little sad reading your responses. Would it kill you to have a little more empathy for this person? I get that it's painful for you to have to feel awkwardly, or watch what you say, or take two hours out of your limited time, etc., but isn't she worth it? She's obviously in a lot of emotional pain. None of us expect to go through something like this, but many of us unexpectedly do. And it sucks. Isn't this the time of year that we're supposed to have generosity in our hearts?

In an ideal world I'd love to see you go and have a good time seeing these friends. But I recognize it may be too much. If you can't go, maybe you could send her a nice note and flowers or something. Just to let her know you're thinking of her. She'll understand it's difficult for you, but will appreciate being remembered. And please understand I'm not trying to criticize you, just point out, from my perspective and experience, what I see going on here from your posts. (And you did ask.) I also do appreciate that this thread in and of itself is an effort at understanding.

OT but why can't we be more empathetic to people going through life's difficulties even before or whether we experience them ourselves? I mean, I know life gets busy and all, but let's not forget those who are going through tough times even though it may be inconvenient and uncomfortable for us. Someday, we may find ourselves on the receiving end. It's only then (ironically) that we can really appreciate those people who put themselves forward for people routinely.