Advantages/Disadvantages to marrying again at age 40?

[ten6mom]

What do you think the advantages and disadvantages are to remarrying at age 40? Both parties have elementary-school aged children from their previous marriages and they cannot have more children any more. Both are well established in their jobs. They are committed to being together and building a future together. Do they need to get married? What are the pros and cons?

 

[kimblebee]

What do you think the advantages and disadvantages are to remarrying at age 40? Both parties have elementary-school aged children from their previous marriages and they cannot have more children any more. Both are well established in their jobs. They are committed to being together and building a future together. Do they need to get married? What are the pros and cons?

Well, the big pro is that they will have someone to love for the rest of their lives. I know they don't need to be married, but it makes it more final. I am 38 and I am getting married in December. It is my second time and his first. We could just live together forever and be fine but I like the idea of us being bonded in marriage.

 

[sonnyjane]

I would need sooooo much more information before making a suggestion, first and foremost I would want to know why the previous relationships failed, since second marriages (and marriages creating blended families) have higher divorce rates than those of first marriages.

Currently the rate for first marriages is 45% while blended families is 67%.

 

[luv2sleep]

I would need sooooo much more information before making a suggestion, first and foremost I would want to know why the previous relationships failed, since second marriages (and marriages creating blended families) have higher divorce rates than those of first marriages. Currently the rate for first marriages is 45% while blended families is 67%.

Yup. It's due to blended families. When kids aren't involved 2nd+ marriages are more successful. Maybe marry when the kids are older? That's my plan. The idea of attempting to blend a family again is unappealing. I was his second wife and he was my first husband. I had no kids going in and he did. Then we had a kid and seriously it was just a mess. It's better if you start out with no young kids involved.

 

[lauradis]

Con is the kids in the house. What happens when your new husband decides your to lacks with your kids? ever heard the phrase "your not my father" or "my mom said i could" What happens if his cant go to disney on family vacation but yours do?

blended families are a breeding ground for resentment.

open communication and agreements before marriage is the only way I see this working and then you still only have around 30 some % of it working out.

wow the divorce rate for second marriages is down from over 70%

 

[mnrose]

My BIL (who is over 50) and his lady friend of many years (more than 8) were in the diehard "why get married" camp. They both have been married before and went through traumatic divorces.

However, my BIL recently (18 months ago) had a very serious motorcycle accident and could easily have been killed. What they learned through that is that legally, they are strangers. She had no right whatsoever to make any decisions about his care. None. Fortunately, he has recovered from his injuries, but it scared both of them. So, now, after firmly swearing for years that they would NEVER get married, guess what? They are engaged, and they are getting married.


It is impossible to take advantage of ALL the various "goodies" that married people automatically get. This is the big reason that gay people are fighting to hard for the right to marry. Many, many benefits are conferred upon married individuals. Not so much "civil unions" or other "legal" paper documents.

Only the couple can decide whether these benefits are "worth it" to them.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, my answers would be different depending on the scenario. Do they currently live together and already know how difficult it can be with a blended family, ex's etc?

My dh and I did not get married for 13 years. No real need too, bad divorces etc. But, as another posted, once we accumulated things together such as houses, worried about the future and illness and things, it became apparent that we should think about marriage and the future.

Its a really difficult question because at this age, families, ex's, finances etc.
And yes, blended families can be really difficult.

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you think the advantages and disadvantages are to remarrying at age 40? Both parties have elementary-school aged children from their previous marriages and they cannot have more children any more. Both are well established in their jobs. They are committed to being together and building a future together. Do they need to get married? What are the pros and cons?

Plenty of pros/cons no matter which decision they make. Do the kids even like the potential life partner? Are they getting along?

Some pros.

They will have legal benefits to getting married like taxes & medical decisions.

Children would feel secure in allowing themselves to connect to step parent since they know that the parents are planning a committed relationship.

Also their is a "social pro" to that. Children will be able to say "step parent" instead of boyfriend/girlfriend.

Cons, financially divorce is draining if that happens.

Divorce, whether you marry or live together would put children lives in upheaval and they will feel a loss all over again, esp. if children feel a close connection with step parent/partner. One set of children would have to move out forcing a total change in their whole life.

On the flipside they are going to have to decide where they are going to live to begin their life and what schools are the children going to go to, whether they marry or live together.

How long have they been divorced? Have they allowed time for the children to "heal"? How involved are the parents with the children?

You will have the "resentment" of children there because in general, kids live with the mom's and the kids of the dad's may feel like "visitors" and can get jealous of the other kids that get their dad 24/7. Esp. if dad bonds with step child well. It is just normal to feel that sting of resentment I think.

Anyway that is a few of the standards off the top of my head. Personally, it is best if they wait until the kids are older esp. if the divorces are new or there are issues with the kids. If there are too many stressors in their life, sort those out first.

 

[eliza61]

My BIL (who is over 50) and his lady friend of many years (more than 8) were in the diehard "why get married" camp. They both have been married before and went through traumatic divorces.

However, my BIL recently (18 months ago) had a very serious motorcycle accident and could easily have been killed. What they learned through that is that legally, they are strangers. She had no right whatsoever to make any decisions about his care. None. Fortunately, he has recovered from his injuries, but it scared both of them. So, now, after firmly swearing for years that they would NEVER get married, guess what? They are engaged, and they are getting married.


It is impossible to take advantage of ALL the various "goodies" that married people automatically get. This is the big reason that gay people are fighting to hard for the right to marry. Many, many benefits are conferred upon married individuals. Not so much "civil unions" or other "legal" paper documents.

Only the couple can decide whether these benefits are "worth it" to them.

you can now get legal paperwork to take care of most of those issues.
Both my older brother and my dad did. My birth mom died when I was young but my father met and had a wonderful women in his life maybe 10 years later. He did not want to get remarried. Well after almost 20 years he did want to protect her financially as they were getting older. Visit to an attorney spelled out totally what she had authority to do. When he got sick she was definitely the go to person. And when she passed before my dad, my dad was the benefactor to her entire estate (not much)

I thought civil unions did get partners many of the same rights? that's a question, I don't know.

 

[sbtrfly74]

In addition to what everyone else has already ask, Do you already live together?

If not I would make a trial run of that to see how the dynamics would change.

I agree with the PP who's BIL was hospitalized and it caused issues with his significant other. Luckily me and my DH had only been married a year when his almost tragic accident happened and it would have been a nightmare if his mother was the only person who could have made decisions for him.

But to some ppl that wouldnt be the only reason or even reason enough to sway you one way or another.

 

[luvsJack]

IMO, the first thing they have to do is squash, in advance, any ideas any kid has of saying "you are not my mom/dad" or any such nonsense. Both parties have to be in agreement that they will be united and there is no "your kids/my kids" but they are all "our kids".

That is the main thing I can say helped keep me and dh married. They were always our kids. He never treated my sons as anything but his own kids. And dd is in no way their "half" sister, she is their sister.

And if the exes have a problem it is their problem, don't let them squeeze into an already crowded marriage. They don't get to rule what goes on with your kids at your house.

Blended families can work and work well. You just can't treat your partner as insignificant in your child's life. Even if they are a step-parent, they should have some say so in the rules and the discipline of all the kids.

 

[Andtototoo]

I would need sooooo much more information before making a suggestion, first and foremost I would want to know why the previous relationships failed, since second marriages (and marriages creating blended families) have higher divorce rates than those of first marriages.

Currently the rate for first marriages is 45% while blended families is 67%.

That.

That's why I always said that if something happened to my dh while my dd was young, I'd wait to marry or live with someone until she was out of the house. I don't think it's fair to the child to up-end their life 24/7 in their own home to make me happy when I could just date the guy. Plus, honestly? I don't want to deal with an ex-wife in my life or affecting my kid's life. Notgonnahappen.

(And now that I'm older, I realize that if my dh were to die or leave me, the idea of another live-in partner is totally unappealing to me for various reasons. So I doubt I'd want to marry/live with a SO ever again. I'd probably date and might have a long-term relationship, but live with someone? No thanks. BTDT, got the tee-shirt, it shrunk in the wash and doesn't fit me any more.)

 

[goofyintoronto]

OP, are you speaking for yourself, or on behalf of a friend?

Honestly if you (general you) have to ask for the pro's/con's to remarrying, then they arent ready to remarry, in my opinion.

 

[smitch425]

OP, are you one of the "they" in this situation? If not, why is it any of your business? No one NEEDS to get married. If they WANT to get married they should, without judgement. I'm confused.

 

[Hillbeans]

My BF and I are 40-ish, and we've been dating for close to 2 years. Both of us were married once before (I have children, he does not).

I personally don't believe in living together when children are involved. I would like to remarry but there are considerations with my children and their dad that I'd need to work through first. I believe in Marriage, and what it stands for, and feel it's more than just a piece of paper, it's a partnership.

 

[NewRVLady]

My brother married for first time at 40 to a divorcee 40 with 4 kids
Just celebrated 20!yr anniversary!

It's been great times, some challenges and they have one son between them ( yep- 5 kids!)now graduation high school

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

The children would be my big concern. They have already gone through a major change with mommy and daddy no longer living together. Whether this was due to death or divorce can change what the child is thinking and feeling, but it doesn't change the fact that they are dealing with loss and confusion and are completely helpless in the situation. With a remarriage, they are going to go through another major change, again.

I would be concerned about the "yours and mine" situation. The children will have been raised differently with different rules. These could be as simple as one family always eating dinner together at the table while the other watches TV while eating all the way up to different punishments for different rules that one set might not even have as a rule. That can be hard to overcome. You might have a rule of no kicking a ball in the house and if the child does, he goes in time out. The other family might not have such a rule. What becomes the new house rule? The first family might feel a bit of resentment if the rule goes away and take it to mean that their parent trusts the other kids to kick a ball more than he or she trusts his or her own kids. If the rule remains, the second family might feel that the parent is overbearing and controlling with ridiculous rules. What are the rules for when kids can date? Do you have to meet the date before you allow your child to go out with him or her? Is the rule the same for your SO's children? What's the curfew? What are the ramifications for changing your rule to fit your new spouse's rule? What are the ramifications for having your SO change his or her rules to fit yours? What are the ramifications for having your rules and your SO's rules for each of your children (this is a bad idea, by the way)?

Will your SO be able to love and treat your children exactly the same as he or she treats his or her own? Will you? That's huge because children already feel that parents have a favorite in their family at times. Children deal with feeling like their parents love a sibling more than them at one time or another. The blending of a family will add to that.

What are the current living arrangements? If one set of kids lives in the house the majority of the time while the other set is only there every other weekend and holidays, be prepared for some resentment. The children who are there less time could fear that they are being replaced in their parent's eye.

 

[lurkernj]

That's why I always said that if something happened to my dh while my dd was young, I'd wait to marry or live with someone until she was out of the house. I don't think it's fair to the child to up-end their life 24/7 in their own home to make me happy when I could just date the guy. Plus, honestly? I don't want to deal with an ex-wife in my life or affecting my kid's life. Notgonnahappen.

(And now that I'm older, I realize that if my dh were to die or leave me, the idea of another live-in partner is totally unappealing to me for various reasons. So I doubt I'd want to marry/live with a SO ever again. I'd probably date and might have a long-term relationship, but live with someone? No thanks. BTDT, got the tee-shirt, it shrunk in the wash and doesn't fit me any more.)

Lol, I could have written this myself! I've said this since my kids were little (now they are 16 and 19) no desire to deal with the ex/step issues with kids involved.

And the thought of living with someone if something happens to DH, no thanks (and I actually have a pretty good marraige, just not appealing to do it again).

 

[Colleen27]

I'm not sure there are any pros to it at that age and with children at that stage. I'm getting to a point in life where some of my friends are doing that and it never seems to work out. Invariably both sets of kids resent the new step-parent, visitation schedules make family time impossible and doing anything while any one of the kids is absent is a disaster because it only fuels the "playing favorites" perception, ex-wives never seem to be okay with their former husbands remarrying (even if the ex-wife has herself remarried), and it just ends up a mess all the way around. My kids are 16, 12 & 5 now and if DH died or we divorced I'd happily date, maybe even seriously, but there's no way I'd cohabitate or remarry until all the kids are off to college.

 

[JanaDee]

I don't see any pros to living together or getting remarried when young children are involved.