Adult sibling still being spoiled by parents

[HM]

No, I'm the one who definitely does NOT do things as wonderfully as The Golden Child. What drives me most up the wall is that I can make a suggestion or come up with a plan and it gets shot down. Then shortly I hear, "Oh, __________ has the BEST suggestion (plan, idea)!!!" and it's exactly the idea I came up with. But since it's coming from The Golden Child, it's...uh...."golden".

Like a Marsha and Jan Brady bit from The Very Brady Movie (how to earn the money to save their house).

 

[Wishing on a star]

Man, I feel you, OP, and others who have this going on.

VERY hard to deal with, and come to terms with. The thing is, this will NOT change.
Parents and grandparents who have such clear favorites have their issues, and that is the way it is.

I might be able to handle this as a sibling. But, I would accept a lot less if this was then carried down to my child, or one of my children, as one of the grandchildren.

 

[barkley]

Spoiled like that, no. Because my Mom has no money and my sister rarely even talks to her much less visits.

But I do often get the pleasure of being required to stand behind my Mom while she reads to me an entire month's worth of postings and updates from the Golden Child's Facebook. "Well isn't that just wonderful?" "Oh look, she told a funny joke! Oh isn't that a fabulous picture!" And there's nothing more fun than spending 20 hours a week or so running errands and helping out your Mom and the entire conversation centers around how your sister can poop rainbows, spin gold from air, and wears a halo likely granted to her from the Big Guy himself. Or I can cook her Thanksgiving dinner while she sits at the kitchen table and every single step and ingredient gets a comparison commentary of that wonderful holiday dinner my sister once cooked, over 15 years ago. Or one of my favorites, I got a Wine magazine in the mail and my Mom looked at it and told me I should send it to my Sister because she really does know everything about wine and she'd probably really enjoy my magazine.

Not that I have issues or anything.

Do we have the same mother???

Are you the Golden Child then?

No, I'm the one who definitely does NOT do things as wonderfully as The Golden Child. What drives me most up the wall is that I can make a suggestion or come up with a plan and it gets shot down. Then shortly I hear, "Oh, __________ has the BEST suggestion (plan, idea)!!!" and it's exactly the idea I came up with. But since it's coming from The Golden Child, it's...uh...."golden".

dang it-i was HOPING you WERE the 'golden child'. I'm so curious to know if it's painful to poop rainbows (must make for more attractive skid marks in the toilet though).

 

[Jaya]

dang it-i was HOPING you WERE the 'golden child'. I'm so curious to know if it's painful to poop rainbows (must make for more attractive skid marks in the toilet though).

I'm sure if The Golden Child pooped rainbows, I would have heard about it. Several times.

 

[ashley0139]

I just typed out a whole reply that was more therapeutic than relevant to this thread, haha. I'll just say - my brother still receives a lot of help from my parents. I don't have a problem with them helping him per se, but I do think it hurts him that he knows that if he needs mom and dad to bail them out they will and do.

 

[mom2febgirls]

I've had discussions with coworkers who have the same issue and we call it 'Making the weak, weaker and the strong, stronger'

I just typed out a whole reply that was more therapeutic than relevant to this thread, haha. I'll just say - my brother still receives a lot of help from my parents. I don't have a problem with them helping him per se, but I do think it hurts him that he knows that if he needs mom and dad to bail them out they will and do.

 

[Lori74]

it sounds familiar-and I think the never married can play a big part in it. the way I've known it to play out is the parent(s) kind of view their non married adult child as being 'all alone in the world' whereas they view their married adult children as being provided for emotionally and financially by their spouse. I've seen it play out this way with treating to meals, with more expensive Christmas gifts (because their married adult kids have spouses who will buy for them-at least that's the mindset), with birthday gifts (might not even give bday gifts anymore to their other adult kids b/c they again figure their spouses will buy for them, but 'poor such and such only has us to remember him on his/her bday'). I've even heard of it extending to estate planning-parents divide the estate by the number of kids they have but add in an extra count so the unmarried kid ends up w/twice the share of his/her siblings 'because everyone else will end up inheriting something from their spouse's parents while poor such and such is all alone and we're the only ones to leave him something').

wow sounds like youre describing a friend of mine!

 

[Lori74]

I've had discussions with coworkers who have the same issue and we call it 'Making the weak, weaker and the strong, stronger'

I've had discussions with coworkers who have the same issue and we call it 'Making the weak, weaker and the strong, stronger'

yes and god help the weak when they no longer have their parents around

 

[SimbaLover]

Sounds like my family. My sister is the golden child and her son the golden grandchild. what cracks me up is I remember my mother complaining about her mother favoring her sister and kids over us and saying how she can't imagine how a person could do that.

 

[mom2rtk]

So..... are there no "golden children" here on the DIS?

Or have they just chosen not to post in this thread?

Hmmmmmm.........

 

[sunshinehighway]

So..... are there no "golden children" here on the DIS?

Or have they just chosen not to post in this thread?

Hmmmmmm.........

My sister would probably say Im the spoiled one, not really the golden child. The truth is my parents do a lot of her too. That's how they are, even though we are capable adults.
She is too busy looking keeping score of what they give me to see they go above and beyond for her. Also, I'm the one they call when they need help with something,

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Does anyone else have this going on in their family? It's the way things have always been but sometimes it seems to make me especially nuts, (like when I have to pay my share of the bill going out to eat but they still pick up his...every single time. I would treat them, but Im not treating him!!) This is a person in their 40's, a successful business person, but has never married, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. I actually think this person has been so spoiled they wouldnt be capable of what is necessary to be in a relationship, putting someone else first occasionally. Does this sound familiar to anyone??

It is annoying for sure, not going to lie about that. However in the grand scheme of life, I just move along and do not give it a second thought. One eye roll and I am done.

Another annoyance is if you are the "party hoster" for Christmas, etc., you have THAT sibling that never hosts and does not put in their fair share there either. However you can assign them a dish to bring or drinks, etc at least.

Now that I am 50, I just do not give a hoot about that. I just do not care to deal with the little annoying things and I just let it go.

Many reasons for that, including minding my own business with how my parents spend their money and well we are all getting older and so are my parents if you get my drift. I choose to make peace with all their little annoyances.

Now if my parents are doing something stupid, dangerous we will have a conversation with me or my sister, or we will double team them and discuss things.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

DH and I are the only successful ones of our siblings. We both seemed to have hit the lottery with siblings that are grown men children living with Mom and Dad. DH and I worked HARD and continue to do so to get where we are, and they just skate along and drain our parents resources. It's frustrating but I gave up ever saying anything about it years ago. Our parents all seem to look at it as though these brothers are lonely and broke and need them, where DH and I don't "need" them.

 

[nugov2]

Sort of...
That's my family, but it isn't limited to just one sibling. Neither of us pays for anything when either of my parents are around. They're pretty stubborn about it. I'm trying to treat my mom to a cruise an that's not working out to well.

I wouldn't think it odd because I know a lot of parents like mine where kids are kids no matter how adult that are, but it's odd that they only do this for one sibling. That's rough.

That's us too. I always say we have money and jobs lol, but they refuse to let my brother and I pay for anything. They actually would give my Dh and I our gift cards back that we gave them for holidays and birthdays claiming they didn't have time to go. It gives them happiness to pay for us I guess and all of our kids reap the benefits. They've had some pretty incredible experiences with my parents.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

So..... are there no "golden children" here on the DIS?

Or have they just chosen not to post in this thread?

Hmmmmmm.........

I feel like I come out ahead, but my sister says she feels the same, so I think it's pretty even. Mom recently handed me $140 out of the blue. Nephew stayed with them & had torn up jeans, so she made him go shopping with her. Sent $70 home for his brother & told me to spend $70 each on new clothes for my girls. They've given me cash many random times after paying for something for sis or BIL. I've learned not to fight it & just say "thanks" LOL

I do get the benefit of lots of free lunches because I work near Mom & Dad's house. My brother-in-law also works nearby, but is frequently too busy to join us. On the flip side, I watch over their house when they're out of town & cut the grass if it needs it - Dad sometimes cuts mine though too hahah.

Dad owns 2 tractors, but doesn't need either now that they're doing the snowbird thing. BIL has the smaller, but newer one. I have the larger, but older one. Mine needs repairs now & then, mostly due to its age & Dad always insists on paying for the repairs (if he finds out). I'm sure he'd do the same if BIL's broke down.

 

[sharona]

Spoiled like that, no. Because my Mom has no money and my sister rarely even talks to her much less visits.

But I do often get the pleasure of being required to stand behind my Mom while she reads to me an entire month's worth of postings and updates from the Golden Child's Facebook. "Well isn't that just wonderful?" "Oh look, she told a funny joke! Oh isn't that a fabulous picture!" And there's nothing more fun than spending 20 hours a week or so running errands and helping out your Mom and the entire conversation centers around how your sister can poop rainbows, spin gold from air, and wears a halo likely granted to her from the Big Guy himself. Or I can cook her Thanksgiving dinner while she sits at the kitchen table and every single step and ingredient gets a comparison commentary of that wonderful holiday dinner my sister once cooked, over 15 years ago. Or one of my favorites, I got a Wine magazine in the mail and my Mom looked at it and told me I should send it to my Sister because she really does know everything about wine and she'd probably really enjoy my magazine.

Not that I have issues or anything.

At least you got that off your chest here without causing a big family drama! I hope it made you feel a litter better.

I just typed out a whole reply that was more therapeutic than relevant to this thread, haha. I'll just say - my brother still receives a lot of help from my parents. I don't have a problem with them helping him per se, but I do think it hurts him that he knows that if he needs mom and dad to bail them out they will and do.

I also typed several rants about my youngest brother and then decided to delete them. Let's just say it's complicated!

Thanks for the therapy session OP!!!

 

[mom2rb]

My brother was the golden child with my birth mother. When we were at my dad's, he would treat me better to make up for it. My brother would tell my dad to and both of them thought that 4 days a month didn't make up for the rest of the time. My brother never liked it, it upset him to watch how differently I was treated. I think that is why we are still such good friends and neither of us have anything to do with her.

 

[PigletsPal2]

Of her six living children (one died in a car crash many years ago), my MIL only has regular contact with three of them: DH and his two sisters. The other three (boys, not that it makes a difference) only contact her when they want something. I'm proud of her - she's become very good at telling them "no." All three of the ones with whom she has a relationship laugh and say "Mom loves DH best because he's the first-born and a boy, and he takes care of her finances. She loves SIL#1 best because she's the first girl and is her advocate and go-to person for her medical issues. And she loves SIL#2 best because she's the baby and she volunteers to do household chores and cooking that MIL can't/doesn't want to do anymore." (This SIL LOVES to clean and cook!) MIL lives geographically equally distant from these three adult children (about an 8-hour drive) but she rarely goes longer than two weeks without one of them visiting her. Hmmm, this post hast turned into one about the parent being spoiled by adult children!

Queen Colleen

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Yup.

One sister has made horrible relationship choices her whole life. I won't get into the seedy details. But every time another one blows up in her face, its "Poor L. It's so awful what so-and-do did to her" Like it's the first time. And like it's always the guys fault. Trust me, she has her own issues that she brings to the relationships! And since her relationships last about an average of 5 years before she does something to blow them up, this goes on quite regularly. She is getting married for the 3rd time in Oct, and has known the guy for about 3 years, so I'm thinking about holding off on the wedding gift until 2017 just to make sure they are still together. LOL

Meanwhile, the rest of us have stable relationships or are married, but that is never recognized.

My brother is quite younger than me. Until he moved out of the house, my mother was still making him lunches. She probably still would if she could. Any sort of lunch consideration (making one, having food in the house to pack, or being given money to buy one) pretty much stopped for the rest of us at about age 10.

Also, apparently our "inheritance" from our mother (HA!!!) will be split between all of us, but brother will be getting 75% of it, and the rest of us are sharing the other 25% because brother needs more than we do. I told my mother to just go ahead and donate my $5.00 to my brother

On DH's side, it's one of his sisters. She definitely has a relationship with DFIL that nobody else will ever have! To the point where, when her kids and my kids were younger, we stopped seeing that side of the family for a while because all it was was a big bragfest about all the great things FIL would do for SIL and kids. Like trips to WDW, sleepovers, movies, Christmas gifts. etc.

Two things that broke the camels back:

1. We found out that SIL and her kids would go to FIL's house earlier than everyone else on Christmas morning because he bought them better and more presents than the rest of the kids (who consisted of mine, who was about 6 at the time, and BIL's DD who was the same age as the "golden" grandchild - around 4 or so) and they had them come early so the rest of us didn't know what she got. Unfortunately, the aduls forgot to tell the kid not to say anything LOL and she spilled the beans at Christmas Dinner. That was a fun holiday, let me tell you!

2. FIL and his wife "nana" would have golden grandchild call my son during their outings to tell him that he just HAS to go see such and such movie because it is so good and they just saw it, but they gotta run now because Papa is waiting to take them out for lunch.

Seriously!!!!!! True stories!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Yup.

One sister has made horrible relationship choices her whole life. I won't get into the seedy details. But every time another one blows up in her face, its "Poor L. It's so awful what so-and-do did to her" Like it's the first time. And like it's always the guys fault. Trust me, she has her own issues that she brings to the relationships! And since her relationships last about an average of 5 years before she does something to blow them up, this goes on quite regularly. She is getting married for the 3rd time in Oct, and has known the guy for about 3 years, so I'm thinking about holding off on the wedding gift until 2017 just to make sure they are still together. LOL

Meanwhile, the rest of us have stable relationships or are married, but that is never recognized.

My brother is quite younger than me. Until he moved out of the house, my mother was still making him lunches. She probably still would if she could. Any sort of lunch consideration (making one, having food in the house to pack, or being given money to buy one) pretty much stopped for the rest of us at about age 10.

Also, apparently our "inheritance" from our mother (HA!!!) will be split between all of us, but brother will be getting 75% of it, and the rest of us are sharing the other 25% because brother needs more than we do. I told my mother to just go ahead and donate my $5.00 to my brother

On DH's side, it's one of his sisters. She definitely has a relationship with DFIL that nobody else will ever have! To the point where, when her kids and my kids were younger, we stopped seeing that side of the family for a while because all it was was a big bragfest about all the great things FIL would do for SIL and kids. Like trips to WDW, sleepovers, movies, Christmas gifts. etc.

Two things that broke the camels back:

1. We found out that SIL and her kids would go to FIL's house earlier than everyone else on Christmas morning because he bought them better and more presents than the rest of the kids (who consisted of mine, who was about 6 at the time, and BIL's DD who was the same age as the "golden" grandchild - around 4 or so) and they had them come early so the rest of us didn't know what she got. Unfortunately, the aduls forgot to tell the kid not to say anything LOL and she spilled the beans at Christmas Dinner. That was a fun holiday, let me tell you!

2. FIL and his wife "nana" would have golden grandchild call my son during their outings to tell him that he just HAS to go see such and such movie because it is so good and they just saw it, but they gotta run now because Papa is waiting to take them out for lunch.

Seriously!!!!!! True stories!

DW went through the lesser Christmas thing with her paternal grandmother. Caught her giving the other grandkids another sack of presents one year.

I think it stems partly from my MIL never getting along with HER MIL, but also issues Grandma has going back to my FIL's childhood. FIL was sick once as a child & his dad caught something at the same time & died. FIL was always blamed for his dad dying. Also, FIL had 2 younger brothers. One day as the 3 of them were getting off the school bus, the youngest was struck & killed by a car. FIL got the blame for that as well.