Adult children - how much to contribute to family expenses?

[Alice Sr.]

I think you have set up a fair and reasonable partnership with your DD. I still shoulder the vacation expense burden for my DDs (and now their families) but it's because I get as much or more out of having us all together than they do, so I would not likely ask for any contribution for vaca's. Whatever you decide it should be sustainable, you still do have 3 more to follow . That was and still is our "house rules" anyway, they have running calculators in their heads on who gets what (not greedy or demanding but awareness lol). Soooo happy to hear your DD is doing better.

 

[KELLY]

I will do as much as I can for my girls while they are in school. But won't go broke helping them. So vacations while they are in school if they are family vacation. I will most certainly pay for those. Car they will be sharing my 2016 Jeep in two years and gas and insurance will be on them. I will be getting a new car in two years. I drive alot for work so I usually end up with a new car every 5 years.

If you feel like she should be paying more maybe 25.00 a week for rent and that covers her food? I just can't see charging my kids for shelter while they are in school but that is me. I made the choice to move out at 18 and am fine with no student debt. My parents never really helped me with anything. I bought first new car at 17 my dad signed for it. But I made the payment. But I was also working 30 plus hour and going to school.

I will be helping my girls but I won't be paying there college bills that is for sure. I did and and they can figure it out. I do pay for there cell phones now and that will continue til they are done school. Like I said I'm willing to help them out but not go into debt for there college.

 

[chattadisser]

All my kids do raise their own souvenir money for each and every trip. Even my 7yo has to save gift money and do special chores to earn extra money. Is that awful of us!?!

No!!! I think when the little kids have to save some of their birthday, Christmas, act money to take on trips it makes them think twice about buying something and they get to learn about budgeting. Plus a side benefit is we usually end up with less crappy happy meal-type souvenirs - which is a bonus for Mom.

 

[disneymagicgirl]

I worked my toosh off in college b/c I was a single mom. Because of that, I have tried to make things easy for dd19, while still holding her accountable.
She saved for her 1st car and we matched what she saved. That car died this summer, so we bought her a new corolla and told her to be grateful and take care of it so it will last her 10 years and she won't have to ever have a car payment, hopefully. We pay insurance and she pays gas.
She takes out a $5k/year student loan to total $20k when she is finished with undergrad. We pay the rest...tuition, books, housing, meal plan. If she repeats a class, she pays for it. Next year she wants to live in an apartment and we said we will pay the same amount as we paid for dorm/sorority house. Above that is her problem. I will give her a monthly allowance for food. Above that is her problem, again.
If she goes out to eat, to a movie, shopping, etc...all her money.
If she goes on a trip with us, we pay. If she goes on her own (spring break, for ex) she pays. She pays for her sorority and all it entails.

Basically, we pay needs and she pays wants.

There is a 4 year time limit on this. Hopefully she graduates by then and gets a decent job after that. If not, she needs to find some roommates to share expenses with...I'm planning to downsize here soon.

 

[auralia]

I wouldn't ask for more. Imagine how much less stress would have been in your life if you had help in college. I also had no help... my children both have college funds and 2 years each of a transferred gi bill from their dad. As long as they go to public school they will have no debt for a four year degree. It is by far the greatest gift my husband and I can give them. Extra spending, fun cloths, outing with friends I won't cover, but if they are still in college vacations and tuition are on me because I remember how miserable it was wondering if I should eat or buy a book. Now if the children are not pulling their weight and trying in school... that's different, but as long as they are succeeding I"ll foot the bill as long as I can afford it.

 

[tvguy]

I've noticed you keep harping on the "paid off mortgage" thing. I agree with you to an extent--repeatedly taking the equity out of a house, so that you still owe money on it after decades, is really foolish. But you don't seem to grasp that people move--all over the country, for various reasons. If we had stayed in our first house (purchased in 1987), it would have been paid off ages ago (25-year mortgage, and we paid extra principle each month). But, we're now on house #4, in the third state that we've lived in. Every time we moved, we tapped savings for the down payment, and sold the old house after purchasing the new one. We've only owned our current home for 3 years. While we don't pay extra principle each month, we could write a check to pay off the mortgage at any time. This is a personal choice. If DH works (as planned) until 65, we may well have a large mortgage at 61. That doesn't mean anything about our net worth or how well we live within our means. I have stated to DH that I want the mortgage paid off before he retires. Could be the week before.

I can see your point, especially if you are moving to progressively more expensive regions of the country. However, you should have a nice chunk of equity to put into a new house. Most of the folks I am speaking of are on my street, and have been in their houses 35 to 40 years and owe more than they paid for the house. But like I said earlier (or think I said), DW and I were the first in our families to even have a mortgage. Our parents bought modest homes and paid cash. I think my parents first house cost them about 6 months take home pay.

 

[kathy884]

We love it when DS 23 joins us for vacations, and we pick up the tab for him. He doesn't make a lot of money, and we help him out so he can fund a Roth.

Gosh, I'm 58, make six figures, and my mom and dad (healthy, active, and well off 82s) still buy WDW tickets for me and often take my whole family on vacations (often invite DH, DS, and our son on the occasional trip and insist on covering costs, even though we are more than happy to do that and are comfortable financially, do the retirement savings thing, have our house paid off, and have plenty of disposable income -- They took 14 of us in our extended family to Sedona, AZ this past year and foot the bill for everyone). They even had me on their cell phone plan for the longest time, but finally cut me off at age 55. I have DS 23 on my cell phone plan and based on that example, might be footing the bill for him for a long time lol.

I read in the Wall Street journal that 80% of people in the US provide some financial support to their adult children (good, bad, or indifferent).

All I am really trying to say in this post is that I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. So much of it is what you are comfortable with and what you think seems reasonable and makes sense for you and your adult child. Every person is different in terms of abilities, incomes, income potential, expenses, how responsible they are, where they are in their lives, and their philosophies and own experiences as a grown child or with a grown child.

 

[wendow]

I worked my toosh off in college b/c I was a single mom. Because of that, I have tried to make things easy for dd19, while still holding her accountable.
She saved for her 1st car and we matched what she saved. That car died this summer, so we bought her a new corolla and told her to be grateful and take care of it so it will last her 10 years and she won't have to ever have a car payment, hopefully. We pay insurance and she pays gas.
She takes out a $5k/year student loan to total $20k when she is finished with undergrad. We pay the rest...tuition, books, housing, meal plan. If she repeats a class, she pays for it. Next year she wants to live in an apartment and we said we will pay the same amount as we paid for dorm/sorority house. Above that is her problem. I will give her a monthly allowance for food. Above that is her problem, again.
If she goes out to eat, to a movie, shopping, etc...all her money.
If she goes on a trip with us, we pay. If she goes on her own (spring break, for ex) she pays. She pays for her sorority and all it entails.

Basically, we pay needs and she pays wants.

There is a 4 year time limit on this. Hopefully she graduates by then and gets a decent job after that. If not, she needs to find some roommates to share expenses with...I'm planning to downsize here soon.

Not a single mom in college, though I worked my toosh off as well...My mom was a single, teen mom and so much responsibility fell on me because she was simply unable to provide and very immature. I think it's great you have been able to offer your dd more. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her!

 

[QueenIsabella]

I can see your point, especially if you are moving to progressively more expensive regions of the country. However, you should have a nice chunk of equity to put into a new house. Most of the folks I am speaking of are on my street, and have been in their houses 35 to 40 years and owe more than they paid for the house. But like I said earlier (or think I said), DW and I were the first in our families to even have a mortgage. Our parents bought modest homes and paid cash. I think my parents first house cost them about 6 months take home pay.

But again, it doesn't necessarily make sense to put huge amounts of money onto the mortgage, even if you have it. Our current mortgage--taken out in 2015--has a super low interest rate (2.85%). We can make more on our money elsewhere, so we do. Now, someone with a 5% mortgage interest rate is a different story. Except for our first house, we put at least 20% down, and we have made large, extra payments on principle for various reasons along the way.

My IL's never, ever had a mortgage--my FIL built a few of the houses he lived in, including one in the nicest town in MA. He always said they got into that town by the back door--he bought unimproved land, and was his own general contractor, paid $20k for the land and $80k for the house (materials and labor). Wound up with a $400k house.

 

[hsmamato2]

All my kids do raise their own souvenir money for each and every trip. Even my 7yo has to save gift money and do special chores to earn extra money. Is that awful of us!?!

no it's not awful! my kids have always done the same..... self respect from earning ones own money starts early... I guess I'm a minority here in looking at my 'kids' as actual functioning adults by the time they're over 18.... yes they're still my 'kids' but not really kids anymore....I just keep thinking back to when I was a young adult still living at home.... I wanted my own job and freedom.... I needed it! And when I (finally) moved out and on with my life, it felt great! I'm really focused on raising responsible adults (not saying people here aren't doing that- we all have our own ways of doing things) and as much as I love them,I want them to have plans and decisions about moving out and on with their own lives. This requires motivation IMHO. At 16? I'd still pay for vacations and all that stuff. by 19? life is different then....by 21? not a chance.... my method has always been (once they were over 18) home is home,and I want you to be comfortable here,but not TOO comfortable. Hard to explain it well on a thread, I don;t want them to think I'm rejecting them, but on the other hand, adults need their own lives. It just works better that way. Unless I specifically invite them along for vacation, it's their dime. (That said, our upcoming family trip,we're all going on my 'dime' b/c it was all on points and miles. My grown ds will pay for his own food etc.) I LOVE having them around for experiences- the reality is, they are frequently not around, they have their own interests now.

 

[LovesTimone]

I would not make her pay... what if she say I can't afford it... and then doesn't want to go then... How will you handle that.

It's seems she is working, and trying.

Your girls are the same age span apart as my DD's... no way would I have asked them to pay. Now you might want to tell them they will need to pay for any souvenirs that seem fair.

 

[barkley]

I also was one who had to get a job early. I was 15yo and went to work for Albertson's. At 16yo, I was working 32 hours a week, juggling school, theater and running track/cross country. I had to pay my $200 mo car note, $40 mo insurance, all gas (we still buy dd's gas) and everything else I wanted/needed. I do not want that stress or burden on my kids but I also don't want them growing up thinking they don't have to pay their own way.

Where the positive correlation lies is in how well their parents managed their own money while they were growing up and the example they set throughout my friends' childhoods. By 18, a lot of spending habits and attitudes towards money are already formed. Now, of course, people can change and there are exceptions to every rule anyway, but overall, I'd say most people I saw imitated their parents' behavior with money, regardless of how much help they did or didn't get.

i agree that the example set by parents has a tremendous impact BUT i think we do well to share with our kids that what they've grown up seeing/experiencing/living isn't (in most cases) what their parents have lived for the entirety of their parent's adult lives. i don't know anyone with kids old enough to be truly aware of their own living situation/lifestyle and capable of even entry level money discussions who is in the same job/same home/earning the same income/operating on the same budget as when they first started out their adult lives. over time people tend to go move from one job/position to another earning more or at the least their income increases (though i know that wasn't the case during the recession). people go from an apartment or house to a bit better one, to a better one, acquiring these (and possessions) over time with work...but kids don't know this-they see the here and now. some just assume this is the way it is and will be for them the minute they become adults or graduate from college-and it can be a nasty surprise/very demoralizing to them if they aren't educated on (for lack of a better term) the natural progression of adulthood.

i was really presented with this when i used to volunteer at my kid's school when they were young. there were kids who were approaching attending high school who would talk at lunch of how they were going to go to college and get their degree in x, y or z and go straight into the same job as their mom or dad, live in x, y or z neighborhood, go to this vacation destination or that every year. now, my kids had attended school since pre with many of these families so i knew that most if not all had only lived in the houses they had for a handful of years, had worked their way up into the jobs they had, had only been able to afford taking nice vacations after going without for the bulk of their lives-but the kids had no clue. they also (much to my dismay) would make disparaging comments about fast food and other minimum wage workers-they just perceived them as people who had no skills or motivation. they had no clue the majority of the parents (as well as the staff) at the school had at one point or another in their lives worked entry level jobs as most people do. i had a talk with the principal/head teacher and discussed my concerns, suggested that they have the kids do an assignment where they wrote something on their aspirations and how they were influenced by their parent's experiences (in class w/o warning so no parental input/influence). then a few days later a take home assignment to interview their parents on their ENTIRE employment, housing and leisure (vacation, more spendy hobbies) history. the results were illuminating to say the least-the kids were floored to find out that the job they though their parent always had-it was promotion after promotion over years, and the kids had no memories of how mom and or dad had worked extra minimum wage jobs nights and weekends when the kids were young to enable the family to save for their first home (which was several homes prior to the one they were currently in) or to afford their first vacations. parents were floored to read the kid's initial papers (sent home after survey paper) to realize the kids were entirely clueless about what the average adult entry into life looked like. it opened up some good back and forth communication for everyone.

i remember from the 70's and on hearing my parents say that too many young adults expect to walk into the same lifestyle it's taken their parents their entire lives to achieve. so far i haven't seen that attitude change much-except it seems like i'm seeing more parents expect the same for their kids. i guess for some it's achievable but for most-not so much, and i think some struggle and growth is beneficial. it can make for a reserve of strength when/if harder times come down.

Even my 7yo has to save gift money and do special chores to earn extra money. Is that awful of us!?!

NOT AT ALL. we did the same BUT we got to a point where if we said 'no' to a purchase the default on our kids point was always 'but can't i do extra chores and earn it' so we decided to be honest and forthcoming with our 'no's'. if it was b/c we thought it wasn't a good purchase we would say so, if it was something we flat out didn't want our kid to have we said so, and most importantly (for us) if it was something that wasn't in our budget we said so and explained 'if we say something isn't in our budget it's not going to magically appear in our budget for you to earn doing extra chores. if the money isn't there, the money isn't there'.

My kids are younger than yours, 9 & 5, but I already worry about the entitlement issue with my oldest. He doesn't want for anything - if we don't get it for him, one of his many sets of grandparents will. So it's tough to strike a balance between helping your kids get ahead in life and making them a spoiled brat lol.

we had to nip this in the bud early on with our kids b/c i had a family member who would buy stuff that in the gifting moment would make him the hero (cuz we had already said no for a variety of reasons). we had to have a talk with the grands/uncles and make it clear that certain purchases for the kids had to get prior approval.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I do think that having her pay for any souvenirs is reasonable. I also think it's reasonable to say that you've budgeted for $X for snacks, if she wants something extra, she pays for it.

When my kids were younger, their generous grandmother would give them gift cards for spending money on WDW trips. It was a great way to keep the "I wants" in check--they knew when the card was empty, they were out. We also discouraged them from buying the first cute thing they saw--we promised we'd circle back to wherever, if need be, if that item was their true favorite.

 

[tvguy]

But again, it doesn't necessarily make sense to put huge amounts of money onto the mortgage, even if you have it. Our current mortgage--taken out in 2015--has a super low interest rate (2.85%). We can make more on our money elsewhere, so we do. Now, someone with a 5% mortgage interest rate is a different story. Except for our first house, we put at least 20% down, and we have made large, extra payments on principle for various reasons along the way.

My IL's never, ever had a mortgage--my FIL built a few of the houses he lived in, including one in the nicest town in MA. He always said they got into that town by the back door--he bought unimproved land, and was his own general contractor, paid $20k for the land and $80k for the house (materials and labor). Wound up with a $400k house.

Certainly personal preference, and personal experience. But when I lost my job in 2005, 3 months after our oldest started College, not having a mortgage payment hanging over my head was very comforting.

 

[Darcy03231]

As long as our children were students (high school and college) we covered their expenses. If they continued to live at home after college graduation we would have charged some rent depending on their financial circumstances. The plan was to put that money away for them until they were ready to buy a house. However, none of them ended up living at home after high school/college so we didn't have to deal with it.

As far as a family vacation goes, we paid for everything other than spending money .

If DH and I are going on vacation and one (or more) of our children decide to join us, they pay their own way.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I have no idea how to navigate this new phase of life. My dh and I both graduated high school (I was still 17), went away to college and began paying our own way immediately. He and I both worked on campus as student workers. That money paid for food and housing. He and I both took gobs of student loans to pay for college. We came out with tons of debt (we went to Baylor).

So, now we have our dd18, who graduated this past May, and is full time at a local community college. She's been sick for 3.5 years with a chronic illness and life has been HARD for her for her high school years. She is just now able to get a job, though she's been babysitting pretty regularly for a few years. Anyways, she is living at home. Working 15 hours a week plus babysitting most weekends. She makes about $800 mo.

She pays her car insurance ($115 mo), phone ($24 mo) and 1/3 of her tuition and all books ($1k'ish) each semester. She also pays for anything she wants...fast food, shirt at Target, frap at Starbucks, musical downtown, movies with friends, etc...Should we be expecting her to pay anything else? I'm not sure what others do here. We are planning a WDW trip for next summer and I suggested to my dh that she buy her own ticket but he said he felt weird asking her to buy hers but not requiring that of her 16yo sister, who also has a job and babysits.

I'd love to hear what others require of their 18yo's (or just young, college age kids)!

DH and I don't consider our children to be adults until they are out of college. After college, they are financially on their own. We currently have 2 in college (a sophomore and a senior) at in state universities. We pay for tuition, room, board, books, fraternity and sorority dues, cell phones, cars (used), car insurance and repairs, health insurance, basic clothing, family vacations. Both kids work over the summer so they can buy any extras they want - gas, fast food, shirt at Target, frap at Starbucks, musical downtown, movies with friends, etc. Our DD, the sophomore, spent most of her summer money as she earned it, so she got a job on campus (10-15 hrs a week) to pay for the extras. DH and I do it this way because this is the way our parents did it for us, and we are paying it forward. Everyone's family situation and finances are different. You have to do what works for you.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

DH and I don't consider our children to be adults until they are out of college. After college, they are financially on their own. We currently have 2 in college (a sophomore and a senior) at in state universities. We pay for tuition, room, board, books, cell phones, cars (used), car insurance and repairs, health insurance, basic clothing, family vacations. Both kids work over the summer so they can buy any extras they want - gas, fast food, shirt at Target, frap at Starbucks, musical downtown, movies with friends, etc. Our DD, the sophomore, spent most of her summer money as she earned it, so she got a job on campus (10-15 hrs a week) to pay for the extras. DH and I do it this way because this is the way our parents did it for us, and we are paying it forward. Everyone's family situation and finances are different. You have to do what works for you.

This is us.

My son, who just graduated in June, goes to community college full time while living at home. He does work 10-15 hours a week to cover any extras like his Ubers (sometimes we cover this), fast food/eating out, lunch at school, clothes, going out with friends and anything else he may want. Everything else is covered by myself and his father (we are divorced). I do live with my SO of 7 years so I consider it a 3 man team. lol

Right now my son has his permit. The rule in my house is you have to work in order to get your license. You have to at least contribute to your car insurance and cover your own gas and small maintenance on the car. During high school my son was never motivated to get a semi stable part time job. He would work odd jobs here and there and he was never very interested in getting his license. I let him know that if he didn't have his license when college started he would be stuck taking buses or Ubers to school. So right now he Ubers or gets ride from a good friend or I pick him up. And he's very motivated to get his license since he's sick of waiting around for rides. LOL

We threw him a huge graduation party and he received enough money in gifts to buy a decent used car. His father also had a Gerber life insurance policy on him that he cashed out and gave to my son so even more money for a car. That money is set aside also. My son just wasn't that motivated. But now he is. The money we used to throw his graduation party would've been used to get him a car but it all worked.

We pay for all vacations. Down to the souvenirs. We will continue to pay for vacations but I may tell DS on our next vacation to cover his own extras if there is something above and beyond I'm not willing to fund.

I grew up very poor. We NEVER went on vacation. Not once. At 15 I got my first job at McDonald's and always worked as many hours as I could. Since then I have paid for everything myself. Down to my own toiletries. I did it because I liked nicer things than my mother could afford and because I knew it would help my mother. I want my kids to be able to enjoy their childhoods/teen years as much as possible but at the same time teach them responsibility, a good work ethic and the value of a dollar. I had to grow up fast and bare a lot of responsibility at such a young age. My kids have the rest of their lives to work their tails off. Right now I work my tail off for them.

My kids are good kids. My son barely asks for anything extra. My daughter asks for a lot more but they are both very appreciative. They tell me often how lucky they are. That they love being able to vacation. They always say thank you for everything. Even though some in my family consider my kids "spoiled" I don't mind doing what I do for my kids.

 

[tvguy]

But again, it doesn't necessarily make sense to put huge amounts of money onto the mortgage, even if you have it. Our current mortgage--taken out in 2015--has a super low interest rate (2.85%). We can make more on our money elsewhere, so we do. Now, someone with a 5% mortgage interest rate is a different story. Except for our first house, we put at least 20% down, and we have made large, extra payments on principle for various reasons along the way.

My IL's never, ever had a mortgage--my FIL built a few of the houses he lived in, including one in the nicest town in MA. He always said they got into that town by the back door--he bought unimproved land, and was his own general contractor, paid $20k for the land and $80k for the house (materials and labor). Wound up with a $400k house.

Honestly, probably not much of an issue, since it it appears about 75% of people have their house paid off before they retire. https://www.valuepenguin.com/why-you-should-or-shouldn’t-have-mortgage-retirement
We had a Golden Hand shake offer here 2 years ago, everyone over age 55 with over 15 years with the company. Everyone of the eligible people who turned the buy out down did so because their mortgage was not paid off, or so they said.

 

[js]

no it's not awful! my kids have always done the same..... self respect from earning ones own money starts early... I guess I'm a minority here in looking at my 'kids' as actual functioning adults by the time they're over 18.... yes they're still my 'kids' but not really kids anymore....I just keep thinking back to when I was a young adult still living at home.... I wanted my own job and freedom.... I needed it! And when I (finally) moved out and on with my life, it felt great! I'm really focused on raising responsible adults (not saying people here aren't doing that- we all have our own ways of doing things) and as much as I love them,I want them to have plans and decisions about moving out and on with their own lives. This requires motivation IMHO. At 16? I'd still pay for vacations and all that stuff. by 19? life is different then....by 21? not a chance.... my method has always been (once they were over 18) home is home,and I want you to be comfortable here,but not TOO comfortable. Hard to explain it well on a thread, I don;t want them to think I'm rejecting them, but on the other hand, adults need their own lives. It just works better that way. Unless I specifically invite them along for vacation, it's their dime. (That said, our upcoming family trip,we're all going on my 'dime' b/c it was all on points and miles. My grown ds will pay for his own food etc.) I LOVE having them around for experiences- the reality is, they are frequently not around, they have their own interests now.

This is great but what does one do when “kids” are still in school?

My ds is 20 and still in college and my dd-24 (almost 25) is in law school. My ds lives on campus and while my dd lived on camous in college, she lives at home while commuting to school.

My ds is a pitcher in college. He plays ball all year and doesnt work in the summer since away in summer playing ball. We dont want or expect him to play after graduating, but he wont have these experiences ever again.

My dd woked as a paid intern this summer and was offered a great six figure salary for when she graduates in May and will start in September.

My dh and I pay for everything, including vacations, gas, car, phone, data etc. Once my dd starts working she says she wants to move out eventually and my ds, if he doesnt end up getting a city job, will move back home after graduation, get his masters in Education and says he will live at home and save money (regardless if working or still in school, which will be 21 or over). Maybe then he will start contributing but to say at a certain age this is it doesnt work for all families. Heck, my mom still takes my family and me on vacations and I hope to be able to always do the same for my family.

 

[wendow]

Heck, my mom still takes my family and me on vacations and I hope to be able to always do the same for my family.

Each family does things differently and that is ok Can I just say though, how envious I am of all the parents taking their grown children on vacation?? Neither dh or I have parents who have EVER done this. My mom took me on one vacation my entire growing up. Same for my dh. And they have certainly never taken us on vacation as adults. Yet, I know SO many people who do take their adult children (and their families) on vacation. I always say we got the short end of the stick lol.