Adult children - how much to contribute to family expenses?

[hsmamato2]

She does save a lot but definitely not the whole $500. She knows next semester's tuition is looming and she needs to have 1k for that plus she is using our extra car, which we are not giving her. She will be sharing that with her sister so she is saving for a car as well.

sounds like a decent balance so far....I'm personally of the opinion that growing up is a good thing to do,and we were similiar with our kids as they got older. College (or similiar) which meant less income= more assistance from parents, but NOT too much. I felt that standing on your own feet,and making choices was REALLY important,as I had to do when I was 18 or so. Thus we didn't give our kids a car,insurance,phone or anything else by that stage. What they wanted,they work for and got. DS1 initally didn't want college after HS,or a license. However I wasn't having a grown man of 19 sitting in my ouse unemployed. So he paid us (small) rent for the basement, and rode his bike to work till he got enough $ together for a license and insurance.(Once winter set in it didn't take too long) We let him use our 2nd car while he saved up for his own(took a while since he had to settle on a decent job) but he paid for gas insurance etc.
We offered to sell him the 2nd car cheap,he declined. Eventually bought his own. He moved out at around 21,once he got settled into a job/car that he could afford. He used to get digruntled b/c "all" of his friends got all this stuff handed to them, but that's not how his parents roll. Now that he's older, he's a fully functioning adult with a good job (IT guy, go figure) we are doing much the same with 2nd child.... We did our best to help get him set up for success on his chosen path,and stepped back.
General rule for us is 'if you want it, you have to pay for it'. Eating out,restaurants etc, rule of thumb,if we invite you,we foot the bill. If it's a joint activity, we pay for ourselves. I firmly believe that paying your own way as a young adult builds respect for oneself,and allows them to tkake ownership of their own lives appropriately.(even if that means some financial mistakes along the way for them,it's how we all learn)

 

[TwoMisfits]

I have no idea how to navigate this new phase of life. My dh and I both graduated high school (I was still 17), went away to college and began paying our own way immediately. He and I both worked on campus as student workers. That money paid for food and housing. He and I both took gobs of student loans to pay for college. We came out with tons of debt (we went to Baylor).

So, now we have our dd18, who graduated this past May, and is full time at a local community college. She's been sick for 3.5 years with a chronic illness and life has been HARD for her for her high school years. She is just now able to get a job, though she's been babysitting pretty regularly for a few years. Anyways, she is living at home. Working 15 hours a week plus babysitting most weekends. She makes about $800 mo.

She pays her car insurance ($115 mo), phone ($24 mo) and 1/3 of her tuition and all books ($1k'ish) each semester. She also pays for anything she wants...fast food, shirt at Target, frap at Starbucks, musical downtown, movies with friends, etc...Should we be expecting her to pay anything else? I'm not sure what others do here. We are planning a WDW trip for next summer and I suggested to my dh that she buy her own ticket but he said he felt weird asking her to buy hers but not requiring that of her 16yo sister, who also has a job and babysits.

I'd love to hear what others require of their 18yo's (or just young, college age kids)!

She's paying more than enough...when my kids get that age, they'll pay for their college books, their gas money/college parking fee (if applicable), and their "desires"...and that's it. It won't be til they graduate that I would ask for more (and that's only if they decide to move back in)...and if I want them on vacation, I'll be paying for everything...

 

[WVMomof3]

This question about kids paying their own way on vacation was just asked here recently. Maybe it was on the Community board instead of budget board. It was for an older kid, maybe 22 and some of the responders were quite mean about how could they ask their child to pay for part of a family vacation. I couldn't believe how many adults, as in with kids of their own, who said their own parents still pay for them when they go on vacation together. That just didn't happen in my world. I am like you, moved out when I went to college and I was expected to pay for everything. My DH and I disagree on how much the kids should pay on their own. I am more of your thinking that we did it, they can too and it teaches them responsibility. My DH is adamant that he does not want them to struggle like we did. He did have it worse than me, when he was a freshman he frequently went days without eating then would go to the all you could eat pizza buffet and gorge and hope it would last his body another few days. Now my kids have the mandatory food plans and waste half of the food! They have no idea how we struggled and would have loved to have those plans!! Anyway, I think while my kids in college if they go on family vacations we will pay. Will revisit things after they graduate. Right now my DDs pay for books and extras and nothing else. Though my DD20 has learned to skimp on the books. She has been able to borrow several through the college library (who knew??) and one this year they said she could not borrow so she photocopied the pages she thought she needed from the syllabus. lol She is also not doing that great in that class, hope it is not because she doesn't have the book. She is using the family extra car like your girls, but I told her next year she will have to buy her own car. She is home this semester, but last year we paid her rent and she paid utilities. She has been able to keep her part time job she had from High school since she lives local and only works on Friday and Saturdays. It has been great for her. My DD18 lives 7 hours away on campus and is taking 20 hours this semester and struggling with it. She thinks she will have to take 20 next semester also and really does not have time for a job. Her summer money she earned will run out quickly, so not sure what we will do for her. I had to buy everything for myself, soap, shampoo, toothpaste etc. I have given her enough of that to last most of the year, so theoretically she should not have to spend much. My DD20 chose the local university and with scholarships, tuition is pretty much covered. My DD18 chose a stupidly expensive school, so I have told her she will get loans for anything over what we paid for my DD (we paid her room and board), though DH and I disagree on how much we are giving her. Right now, she has a great Financial aid package, but since it is financial aid and not merit (they give very little merit because everyone there would get it) it may change from year to year. This year her loan was only $5000 but I told her to be prepared for that to be higher in the coming years. I am really trying hard to convince DS to go to same school as DD20. It just makes the most financial sense and it is a great school.

 

[piglet1979]

My mom only paid $3000 for college for us because she was still paying off her college loans. She went back to school to be a teacher when I was in 3rd grade. We were expected from the time that started driving to pay for car insurance, gas and anything else we wanted to do or buy. I started working at 16 and when I could I worked 40 hours. Mostly summer and breaks. I went to a 4 year college for one semester and then transferred to a community college and paid then tuition on my own. My mom paid for any living expenses when I lived at home. Her rule was as long as we were working or going to school full time she would continue to do this. Even after I graduated college I did not have to pay living expenses until I moved out at about 24. She did pay for my car insurance one semester because i took more classes and could pay for both. I offered to pay her back but she declined. She said I was hard and she would cover it.

Since she is working hard in school and with her job I wouldn't make her pay for her ticket.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I look at it this way.

If my son would have to take out more in loans and be further in debt because I am asking him to pay for something, then I will pay for it. Unless, of course, I don't have the money.

So, he pays for what he can. We pay for what we can. And he takes out loans for the rest of his schooling.

 

[Hikergirl]

At her age and working part time I think what she pays for is enough, and I wouldn't personally ask her to buy her own ticket to WDW for a family vacation.
If you do ask her to pay, are you OK with her deciding not to go with you?

I have 2 older kids in college. When my dd was home going to the local CC she worked part time and paid for all her "wants", plus gas and maintenance of her car. She really didn't make a ton of money so we never asked her to contribute to any household expenses (including things like car insurance).
Now that she is away, she is not working. She saved as much as she could plus we have savings set aside for school, and that includes any spending money she would need. We felt it was important for her to focus on her education and not worry about paying bills on top of that.
My ds works part time and we are doing the same for him while attending the CC. Not sure if his plans are to join the workforce or continue school. If it is the latter, we will do the same for him as we are doing for our dd.
We are fortunate to have been able to set aside savings, and have relatives add to it as gifts, since they were babies. If we didn't, I think we would have taken a different approach to it.
Every family has to do what works for them, there are no wrong ways.

 

[tvguy]

I don't think there is a universally correct answer. Too many personal variables.
My wife and I both were still living at home when we started dating. She was still in school. We both were working.
Her mom REQUIRED her to clean the house AND pay rent.
I helped around the house, kept my moms car gassed up and serviced, and when my future wife asked why I didn't pay rent, I offered to pay my mom rent. Oh lord was THAT a mistake. I have never seen my mom so upset. "your father and I worked hard to provide a place for all of us to live, how dare you try and make me a landlord". My dad had passed away years before, but that was her mindset.

So my wife and I came from different experiences but both agreed we would never charge our kids rent, we would pay their college costs, and car costs until they were out on their own.
DS moved out at 25 and took over all his expenses. DD is 27 and still home saving money to buy a house, renting would be stupid. Her room would just be unoccupied. So yes she is using water and electricity, and some food........she buys most of her own food, bought her own car, pays all that insurance and her health insurance all all expenses.

DW wife and I realize there is a chance when we get older and grayer that we may need our kids help, and we figure if we take good care of them from birth until then, they will pick a nice nursing home for us.

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

You've already got a lot of good responses! I'm in my mid to late twenties now so I think I can offer a bit of a unique perspective, since college expenses are still pretty fresh in my mind.

If it is strictly an issue of wanting to teach your DD responsibility, I'd say pay for what you can afford to for her, and let her take on a little more as her income increases. She's already paying for more than I did at her age, so I'd deem her very responsible.

If I look at my friends from high school and college, and compare how financially responsible they are today with how many of their educational and living expenses through college were covered, there is very little to no correlation with who is responsible now versus who had all expenses paid.

Where the positive correlation lies is in how well their parents managed their own money while they were growing up and the example they set throughout my friends' childhoods. By 18, a lot of spending habits and attitudes towards money are already formed. Now, of course, people can change and there are exceptions to every rule anyway, but overall, I'd say most people I saw imitated their parents' behavior with money, regardless of how much help they did or didn't get.

If you've set a good example in good money management throughout her life (and it sounds like you have since she's taking on so much already) she'll be fine!

 

[speedyfishy]

My parents paid for my college and dorm expenses. They also took care of the family vacation expenses if I choose to go.

I paid for my own car, gas, insurance and phone plan. SO and I moved in together at 19. I paid for all my living expenses then. My parents did not approve of me moving in with him. They offered to pay for my dorm and meal plan if I didn’t. I ignored them and paid my own way for everything except tuition. My SOs parents paid the cost of what dorming would cost. That covered half our rent and all utilities. We covered my half and groceries, phone, and car expenses. We both worked part time during school.

My brother is in school now and my parents pay for everything. They don’t want him working. He works during the summer. They cover his insurance, car, phone, etc. my dad even gives him some spending money. He also wants to move off campus tho but he chose not to this year. Idk if when he moves off campus my parents will cut the financial support like they did for me.

I wouldn’t have your DD pay for her part of a family vacation but I think she should cover her own bills. My SOs parents in HS made him give them half his paycheck and they put it in his college fund. I didn’t have to do that and it seems harsh but it helped since we are now used to living below our means. If you can afford it I would cover her expenses but have her open a ROTH and make her put money in there every month. I wish my parents helped me with that.

 

[tvguy]

Where the positive correlation lies is in how well their parents managed their own money while they were growing up and the example they set throughout my friends' childhoods. By 18, a lot of spending habits and attitudes towards money are already formed. Now, of course, people can change and there are exceptions to every rule anyway, but overall, I'd say most people I saw imitated their parents' behavior with money, regardless of how much help they did or didn't get.

If you've set a good example in good money management throughout her life (and it sounds like you have since she's taking on so much already) she'll be fine!

I agree 100% however, as this other thread* points out, everyone has a different opinion of what it means to "manage their money well". For some people, the scales tip more to living for today than saving for tomorrow. As long as it doesn't impact me, it is none of my business. But for example, as a 61 year old I can't understand how all but a very few 61 years olds don't have their house paid off yet. Certainly there are unexpected events like medical costs, but if you have been living within your means, IMHO by retirement time, you should be pretty much debt free.

*
https://www.disboards.com/threads/f...-was-over-conservative-in-your-youth.3711218/

 

[Nebraska_Disney]

My wife and I went through college together, completely on our own. We lived in some shady apartments that were clean, but cheap. We ate at home almost 100% of the time and still joke today about having popcorn for dinner. We got no help from our parents and ended up with close to $30K in loans between us when we were done (both after graduate school). We worked to pay for everything but tuition and books, which we borrowed for. We covered all our bills on our own. When our kids were born, they had a 529 plan started as soon as we had a SS# for them. Best move we ever made. We kept the accounts separate for each of them, and contribute equally to them, so they both know what they have for school (11th and 8th grade currently). I'd love to get them through school with little or no debt. I'll provide the basics and they will be on their own for personal expenses as well as anything not covered by scholarships and their 529 plans. I'd gladly keep paying for vacations if they wanted to keep going with us. My son is a saver and is a minimalist. My daughter likes to spend/shop, but I guess most 13 year old girls are that way. If you can afford to do it, help your kids as much as you can without putting your own retirement/savings on the back burner. If my kids choose to go to school in our town and live at home, I'll treat them as an adult but still have a few rules that need to be agreed upon. We will deal with that if/when we ever need to.

 

[fifthdimensiondweller]

I agree 100% however, as this other thread* points out, everyone has a different opinion of what it means to "manage their money well". For some people, the scales tip more to living for today than saving for tomorrow. As long as it doesn't impact me, it is none of my business. But for example, as a 61 year old I can't understand how all but a very few 61 years olds don't have their house paid off yet. Certainly there are unexpected events like medical costs, but if you have been living within your means, IMHO by retirement time, you should be pretty much debt free.

*
https://www.disboards.com/threads/f...-was-over-conservative-in-your-youth.3711218/

Excellent point! Thanks for linking this thread BTW, getting close to annual enrollment and DH and I want to reevaluate our retirement savings. Definitely going to read through this!

 

[SharonZ]

I wouldn't ask for anything additional, and definitely wouldn't ask her to pay any of her own ticket.

 

[wendow]

I don't think there is a universally correct answer. Too many personal variables.
My wife and I both were still living at home when we started dating. She was still in school. We both were working.
Her mom REQUIRED her to clean the house AND pay rent.
I helped around the house, kept my moms car gassed up and serviced, and when my future wife asked why I didn't pay rent, I offered to pay my mom rent. Oh lord was THAT a mistake. I have never seen my mom so upset. "your father and I worked hard to provide a place for all of us to live, how dare you try and make me a landlord". My dad had passed away years before, but that was her mindset.

So my wife and I came from different experiences but both agreed we would never charge our kids rent, we would pay their college costs, and car costs until they were out on their own.
DS moved out at 25 and took over all his expenses. DD is 27 and still home saving money to buy a house, renting would be stupid. Her room would just be unoccupied. So yes she is using water and electricity, and some food........she buys most of her own food, bought her own car, pays all that insurance and her health insurance all all expenses.

DW wife and I realize there is a chance when we get older and grayer that we may need our kids help, and we figure if we take good care of them from birth until then, they will pick a nice nursing home for us.

My dh and I were a bit like you and your dw. I had to pay for everything beginning at age 16 (also had to clean the house!), and had I continued to live at home once I turned 18, there is no doubt in my mind that my mom would have charged me rent and made me split all other bills with her. Meanwhile, my dh never had to pay for anything, even though he worked a job through high school like I did. He took out student loads for schooling but his parents did pay for his lodging, food, books, etc. Like your mom, my dh's parents would have been horrified to put that financial burden on him.

Bolded above: SO TRUE!!!

 

[wendow]

We will not be charging rent to our kids. ever. Our dd knows she is welcome to live at home for as long as she likes. I'm thrilled that she still does want to be home and is growing up so responsibly. Raising kids is hard work and we are always questioning whether we are doing it 'right'...not that there is always a 'right' way...but I'm glad to read through everyone's responses and while responses are varied, everyone seems to generally be on the same page and that confirms for me, we are in a good place.

I feel like suggesting she pay for her WDW ticket kind of got more focus. That was really just a side question. All my kids do raise their own souvenir money for each and every trip. Even my 7yo has to save gift money and do special chores to earn extra money. Is that awful of us!?!

 

[kkmcan]

My dd21 moved out almost 2 years ago and she pays for her own living expenses. She works full time at a movie theater. We pay for her college but she is taking a semester break right now. She is a phenomenal saver and saved 5 figures before she moved out and she still has 5 figures so she's doing really well managing her money. She also has an IRA that she contributes to each month that we set up for her 3 years ago. She and her boyfriend have come on several trips with us. They pay for their own food, souvies and disney tickets. We pay for the minivan rental and the hotel.

Our ds18 (graduated hs this past May) is not going to college. All he's ever wanted to do is be an auto mechanic. He got hired at the local Kia dealership 6 weeks ago and loves it. He works full time and has an hour commute to work every day. He is saving for a car and right now drives my car to work. I work from home so I don't necessarily need my car during the day. He pays his own phone, gas and entertainment expenses. We pay for all of his other expenses. He wants to move out. But needs to finish saving for his car first. We pay for him to vacation with us including his ticket. That may change in the future.

Our kids are good kids and we want to reward them for that. They don't get into trouble. They are honest, and responsible. They've both been working since they were 16 years old.
I also still really want to vacation with them so by paying for them I get to enjoy them traveling with us. We have a lot of fun together and someday they will have their own families and won't be living or vacationing with us.

 

[wendow]

Where the positive correlation lies is in how well their parents managed their own money while they were growing up and the example they set throughout my friends' childhoods. By 18, a lot of spending habits and attitudes towards money are already formed. Now, of course, people can change and there are exceptions to every rule anyway, but overall, I'd say most people I saw imitated their parents' behavior with money, regardless of how much help they did or didn't get.

If you've set a good example in good money management throughout her life (and it sounds like you have since she's taking on so much already) she'll be fine!

Totally agree with you! It is so important to set a good example for kids to see how we manage our money. I think she's going to be ok with money. She's pretty smart about finances. I made her go through the Dave Ramsey high school curriculum as a high school elective. She was bored to tears a lot but pretty sure she got the message that we only buy what we can pay for because debt is bad!

 

[Judique]

I have no idea how to navigate this new phase of life. My dh and I both graduated high school (I was still 17), went away to college and began paying our own way immediately. He and I both worked on campus as student workers. That money paid for food and housing. He and I both took gobs of student loans to pay for college. We came out with tons of debt (we went to Baylor).

So, now we have our dd18, who graduated this past May, and is full time at a local community college. She's been sick for 3.5 years with a chronic illness and life has been HARD for her for her high school years. She is just now able to get a job, though she's been babysitting pretty regularly for a few years. Anyways, she is living at home. Working 15 hours a week plus babysitting most weekends. She makes about $800 mo.

She pays her car insurance ($115 mo), phone ($24 mo) and 1/3 of her tuition and all books ($1k'ish) each semester. She also pays for anything she wants...fast food, shirt at Target, frap at Starbucks, musical downtown, movies with friends, etc...Should we be expecting her to pay anything else? I'm not sure what others do here. We are planning a WDW trip for next summer and I suggested to my dh that she buy her own ticket but he said he felt weird asking her to buy hers but not requiring that of her 16yo sister, who also has a job and babysits.

I'd love to hear what others require of their 18yo's (or just young, college age kids)!

I'm still paying! Youngest has a no expiry ticket but rarely goes. It will probably last a few trips if she comes again.

Son just isn't interested, and older daughter buys her own tickets, but I have DVC and pay that plus usually pick up the meal tabs. No biggie.

It's just nice to have someone who will still go and it's the second round with the two grandchildren.

As far as school tuition, scholarships did take care of a lot of my 3 kids tuition, plus their own jobs. Parents pitched in an agreed upon amount.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I agree 100% however, as this other thread* points out, everyone has a different opinion of what it means to "manage their money well". For some people, the scales tip more to living for today than saving for tomorrow. As long as it doesn't impact me, it is none of my business. But for example, as a 61 year old I can't understand how all but a very few 61 years olds don't have their house paid off yet. Certainly there are unexpected events like medical costs, but if you have been living within your means, IMHO by retirement time, you should be pretty much debt free.

*
https://www.disboards.com/threads/f...-was-over-conservative-in-your-youth.3711218/

I've noticed you keep harping on the "paid off mortgage" thing. I agree with you to an extent--repeatedly taking the equity out of a house, so that you still owe money on it after decades, is really foolish. But you don't seem to grasp that people move--all over the country, for various reasons. If we had stayed in our first house (purchased in 1987), it would have been paid off ages ago (25-year mortgage, and we paid extra principle each month). But, we're now on house #4, in the third state that we've lived in. Every time we moved, we tapped savings for the down payment, and sold the old house after purchasing the new one. We've only owned our current home for 3 years. While we don't pay extra principle each month, we could write a check to pay off the mortgage at any time. This is a personal choice. If DH works (as planned) until 65, we may well have a large mortgage at 61. That doesn't mean anything about our net worth or how well we live within our means. I have stated to DH that I want the mortgage paid off before he retires. Could be the week before.

 

[Happy814]

I also was one who had to get a job early. I was 15yo and went to work for Albertson's. At 16yo, I was working 32 hours a week, juggling school, theater and running track/cross country. I had to pay my $200 mo car note, $40 mo insurance, all gas (we still buy dd's gas) and everything else I wanted/needed. I do not want that stress or burden on my kids but I also don't want them growing up thinking they don't have to pay their own way.

I really understand these thoughts. My kids are growing up so much differently than I did when it comes to money. My kids are younger than yours, 9 & 5, but I already worry about the entitlement issue with my oldest. He doesn't want for anything - if we don't get it for him, one of his many sets of grandparents will. So it's tough to strike a balance between helping your kids get ahead in life and making them a spoiled brat lol.

Maybe have a conversation with your daughter about these exact feelings? IMO, 18 is definitely old enough to understand this stuff.