Adoption transparency measure passes hurdle in NYS Senate

[mnrose]

I fear that this type of law, which sounds good in theory, may have the opposite effect of discouraging people from considering giving up their babies for adoption. SOME people want privacy. They have their reasons and it's not up to us to decide whether they are "good" ones or not. If they gave a child up for adoption BECAUSE there was privacy, this is a real slap in the face to them. I'm all for registries that allow adoptees and birth parents to decide whether they are BOTH interested in release of this information.

 

[wgeo]

This is an incredibly complicated issue that honestly I hadn't thought about much before. The heart of the issue is the adopted child's rights versus the birth parent's rights and I can see very good arguments for both sides of that. Sometimes it seems that making one "catch all" law to cover an issue is really hard as there are so many individual cases that could go either way.

I guess if forced, I would say that if a law were passed it should only apply to adoptions from that date and forward. It's not perfect of course, but it respects what was the "accepted" law or practice at the time of the adoption which seems a little more fair than other options.

 

[ronandannette]

With DNA your privacy is no longer protected anyway. I have found mine and helped many others find theirs- we no longer have to feel like that "dirty little secret." You just can't give away a human being and expect them to never know or wonder where they came from. The day I no longer had to go to the Dr. and say "I don't know" to every family medical background question was a great day in my life.

What an incredibly nasty way to put it. I guess I pity you if that's how you were made to feel about yourself but I refuse to allow your vile characterization to stand against me (who was cherished, nurtured and adored by my adoptive parents) or the precious child I carefully, prayerfully and lovingly placed with a family as much like the one I grew up in as possible. Don't assert you know everything there is to know and don't speak for anybody but yourself.

And as for the idea of hunting down the donor of the sperm with which you conceived your own child? Was there not some sort of legally-binding contract you signed acknowledging the donor's anonymity? If so and you disregarded it at your own whim, that's despicable.

 

[aprilgail]

What an incredibly nasty way to put it. I guess I pity you if that's how you were made to feel about yourself but I refuse to allow your vile characterization to stand against me (who was cherished, nurtured and adored by my adoptive parents) or the precious child I carefully, prayerfully and lovingly placed with a family as much like the one I grew up in as possible. Don't assert you know everything there is to know and don't speak for anybody but yourself.

And as for the idea of hunting down the donor of the sperm with which you conceived your own child? Was there not some sort of legally-binding contract you signed acknowledging the donor's anonymity? If so and you disregarded it at your own whim, that's despicable.

My adoptive parents were awesome, couldn't have asked for better but that still does not take away the need to know where one comes from. It is all the trouble the adoption places go through to lie to you and keep you in the dark that makes it the big secret! Do you know places routinely put down wrong birth dates for babies to make them harder to find- many people don't even know their right birth dates! They lie and change up non identifying information so you can't even trust that you know anything about yourself from that. When I contacted the agency I was placed through they flat out told me my birth mother died- more lies to cover up the big secret.

I may have signed a contract (not even sure I did) but my child did NOT- she was 15 it is her life and she wanted to know, she searched I assisted her-though I am sure she could have figured it out on her own. She wrote him a letter and said that she was not trying to upset his life just wanted some questions answered and if he did not want her to contact him again he could just write her and let her know and she would not contact him again. Turns out he was up for contact- when we took a 2 month road trip around the US we stopped in many states and met many of her half brothers and sisters and also stopped and had dinner with her donor- we also stopped and spent a week with my birth mother and my half brother and sister in law.

 

[ashley0139]

My adoptive parents were awesome, couldn't have asked for better but that still does not take away the need to know where one comes from. It is all the trouble the adoption places go through to lie to you and keep you in the dark that makes it the big secret! Do you know places routinely put down wrong birth dates for babies to make them harder to find- many people don't even know their right birth dates! They lie and change up non identifying information so you can't even trust that you know anything about yourself from that. When I contacted the agency I was placed through they flat out told me my birth mother died- more lies to cover up the big secret.

I may have signed a contract (not even sure I did) but my child did NOT- she was 15 it is her life and she wanted to know, she searched I assisted her-though I am sure she could have figured it out on her own. She wrote him a letter and said that she was not trying to upset his life just wanted some questions answered and if he did not want her to contact him again he could just write her and let her know and she would not contact him again. Turns out he was up for contact- when we took a 2 month road trip around the US we stopped in many states and met many of her half brothers and sisters and also stopped and had dinner with her donor- we also stopped and spent a week with my birth mother and my half brother and sister in law.

This is all, obviously, a huge problem with the agency and not with the law itself. There are always going to be terrible people, organizations, etc. They are outliers.

 

[superme80]

Mu judgement is very clouded as I was adopted. I am not for this. If you want to have an open adoption or an ability to be contacted at 18, that is fine. I am very much against opening records that were supposed to stay closed. I feel it is a huge breach of privacy. Personally I have no desire to find my birth family. One crazy family is enough thank you! I have seen reunions turn out great, and some that have turned out horrible. If a bio parent wants to be found, then they should file to unseal the records. If they do not want to be found, they have that right. This is a very emotional topic, so I understand both sides. I just fully support the right of bio parents to be anonymous.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Both my kids were adopted as infants. Back then, closed adoptions were the norm. Our son felt abandoned and has never wanted to meet his birth mom.

When DD turned 21 she wanted to meet her birth mom so I went to the adoption agency with her and they gave us more information, and said they'd make contact with the birth mom through a "confidential intermediary." They're very good at locating people -- the longest it's ever taken was about three hours. So they made contact and the birth mom didn't want anything to do with our DD. That's her choice, even tho it broke DD's heart. The agency asked the birth mom to send them a letter saying "no contact" to put in DD's file. That was about 15 years ago and the agency is no longer in business, so in the very unlikely event the birth mom changes her mind, she'll have to explore different avenues to make contact.

Back in my college days (long before I knew I'd have fertility problems), one of my girl friends worked for an adoption agency (different state) and said that the unwed moms who were immature tended to keep their babies. The more mature girls wanted a better life for their babies and were able to make the very difficult(!) decision to give them up for adoption. It wasn't a matter of keeping a "dirty little secret" -- it was an unselfish gift of love.

 

[ronandannette]

Both my kids were adopted as infants. Back then, closed adoptions were the norm. Our son felt abandoned and has never wanted to meet his birth mom.

When DD turned 21 she wanted to meet her birth mom so I went to the adoption agency with her and they gave us more information, and said they'd make contact with the birth mom through a "confidential intermediary." They're very good at locating people -- the longest it's ever taken was about three hours. So they made contact and the birth mom didn't want anything to do with our DD. That's her choice, even tho it broke DD's heart. The agency asked the birth mom to send them a letter saying "no contact" to put in DD's file. That was about 15 years ago and the agency is no longer in business, so in the very unlikely event the birth mom changes her mind, she'll have to explore different avenues to make contact.

Back in my college days (long before I knew I'd have fertility problems), one of my girl friends worked for an adoption agency (different state) and said that the unwed moms who were immature tended to keep their babies. The more mature girls wanted a better life for their babies and were able to make the very difficult(!) decision to give them up for adoption. It wasn't a matter of keeping a "dirty little secret" -- it was an unselfish gift of love.

Liking your post didn't seem quite right...I wish they'd add this emoji:

I'm sorry your kids didn't get the outcome they thought they wanted. I'd wager you've been a fabulous mom and they're both blessed beyond what they could ever imagine to have you.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

This is all, obviously, a huge problem with the agency and not with the law itself. There are always going to be terrible people, organizations, etc. They are outliers.

For adoptions that took place in the 1970’s and earlier, lies and cover-ups were the norm. Open adoption was not a wide used practice (maybe not even legal?) back then. Unwed birth mothers had so much shame and guilt put upon them from family/society. Agencies/doctors/nurses would lie and give the wrong sex of the baby, they would say the baby died, fill out wrong information, switch files around...all of that very common, not an outlier back then.

In my case, my adoptive mother told me what she knew of my birth and birth parents. When I received non-identifying paperwork 10 years ago, not 1 thing matched up with what I was told. And I have no idea what the truth is for all these years.

I think there could be good reasons to lie and protect children, but ultimately they grow into adults who deserve to know the truth and make informed choices.

 

[LovesTimone]

My friend was adopted from birth, her parents took her home from the hospital and gave her a wonderful life and loving home ... At 28 she went on a mission to find her birth parents... Her parents were supportive and helped her and the outcome was a complete disaster.... she found out way more than she bargained for or had counted on, her mom was like 14 when she had her, and her dad was 16 or 17 when she was born... When she found them - the Bio-father was in prison... career criminal.. and her mom was a drug addict, and had been arrested, for various things other the years... She went to meet the Bio- father in prison... and he said that only good thing he ever did in his life was giving her away, and that she should go back to that life and forget about him and that in no way did he want to see her or hear from her again... It took longer to find the bio-mother as she moved around so much, when she did find her, the woman told her... I gave you the best chance I could.... you should be grateful for that... those people are your parents, go home.... I never wanted any kids... and then asked her for money.... the bio-mom died about 2 years later from a drug overdoes...

All this really really messed her up, Thank God her parents were there for her, to love her, and help her through it, after lots and lots.... really several years of counseling, and support from family and friends. she did just what they asked she never looked back...

She now is a mental health professional - she give seminars on the real risk in finding your birth parents, runs several therapy groups for people that have found their birth parents or are actively looking and handling the emotions of looking for them as well the aftermath of finding them... She has just started groups for kids that are adopted and helping them understand what adopting is and giving coping skills, she said kids do better in a group, and it helps them feel that they are not alone.... as well for parents dealing with some of the issues that come along with, your not my real parents, and things like this, her parents help with these groups... her Dad is a retired doctor who can give real life advice, as well as professional advice....

She said that most times she finds that some time during childhood that children make up a scenario, on why the bio-parents gave them up for adoption... and normally it's some type of romantic notion, like Romeo and Juliet, or that the bio-parents will the parents fight over the child like superheros ...or that the bio-parent are searching for them to, with the bio-parents crying and apologizing and how they regretted it... then everyone living happily ever after...no matter how the story goes... they all have this fairy-tale type out come which they carry into adulthood .... with a fairy-tale outcome is not the case unfortunately most end with alot of heartbreak and disappointment, and mental and emotional problems ....

As well the adoptive parents teaching them not to put the bio-parents on a pedestal, making them seem so wonderful, almost hero like with their sacrifice and sorta romantic notions... by giving the kids the needed information at different ages, truthful info about adoption, and their birth-parents... and respecting the birth parents wishes as well, and making them understand open or closed adoption... She hopes that no matter which way the decide as adults they have the tools to deal with whatever the outcome is....

 

[easyas123]

It wasn't a matter of keeping a "dirty little secret" -- it was an unselfish gift of love.

Well said.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

What an incredibly nasty way to put it. I guess I pity you if that's how you were made to feel about yourself but I refuse to allow your vile characterization to stand against me (who was cherished, nurtured and adored by my adoptive parents) or the precious child I carefully, prayerfully and lovingly placed with a family as much like the one I grew up in as possible. Don't assert you know everything there is to know and don't speak for anybody but yourself.

And as for the idea of hunting down the donor of the sperm with which you conceived your own child? Was there not some sort of legally-binding contract you signed acknowledging the donor's anonymity? If so and you disregarded it at your own whim, that's despicable.

It's far It easier to rationalize one's position by characterizing it as a fundamental human right and characterizing the other position as people with something to hide.

 

[china mom]

Mu judgement is very clouded as I was adopted. I am not for this. If you want to have an open adoption or an ability to be contacted at 18, that is fine. I am very much against opening records that were supposed to stay closed. I feel it is a huge breach of privacy. Personally I have no desire to find my birth family. One crazy family is enough thank you! I have seen reunions turn out great, and some that have turned out horrible. If a bio parent wants to be found, then they should file to unseal the records. If they do not want to be found, they have that right. This is a very emotional topic, so I understand both sides. I just fully support the right of bio parents to be anonymous.

My daughter (adopted) has also shown no interest in finding her birth family - although, in her case, it would not be possible as there are no birth records to open. We re-visit the topic every so often so that she feels comfortable expressing her feelings to me but, at age 14, she still had no interest.

 

[superme80]

My daughter (adopted) has also shown no interest in finding her birth family - although, in her case, it would not be possible as there are no birth records to open. We re-visit the topic every so often so that she feels comfortable expressing her feelings to me but, at age 14, she still had no interest.

I'm almost 40 and I honestly think I dread if someone from my Bio family tracks me down. I have nothing against them, but I am not on the look out for another family. I have a great family AND I have great in laws. I don't have any genetic information anyone would need, nothing out of the ordinary, and my life if pretty boring. So I guess aside from seeing what I look like, I see no need. When I was a teenager I thought about it a lot. As I got older and realized what her life was like, I knew it wasn't someone I needed IN my life. She was a teenager who was 100% not prepared to be a mom. She thankfully met a pastor at a church who knew of a couple wanting to adopt a 2nd child. It was a great thing that God and Fate put together. I am very grateful for the life she has given me, but I don't need anything from her. I don't need any closure. I hope her life has turned around and she has a great life, but we don't need to be part of each others lives. I know I have a few half sisters out there and I also wish them well. If it such an emotional issue that it is hard to see things clearly if you are involved.

 

[maddiel]

She now is a mental health professional - she give seminars on the real risk in finding your birth parents, runs several therapy groups for people that have found their birth parents or are actively looking and handling the emotions of looking for them as well the aftermath of finding them... She has just started groups for kids that are adopted and helping them understand what adopting is and giving coping skills, she said kids do better in a group, and it helps them feel that they are not alone.... as well for parents dealing with some of the issues that come along with, your not my real parents, and things like this, her parents help with these groups... her Dad is a retired doctor who can give real life advice, as well as professional advice....

... She hopes that no matter which way the decide as adults they have the tools to deal with whatever the outcome is....

I think this is key - there is a lot of emotional baggage for every one involved in the adoption triad and having good support before, during and after a search and reunification can only make it more healthy experience for everyone involved. Kudos to your friend for doing such important work.

My daughter (adopted) has also shown no interest in finding her birth family - although, in her case, it would not be possible as there are no birth records to open. We re-visit the topic every so often so that she feels comfortable expressing her feelings to me but, at age 14, she still had no interest.

I'm assuming from your user name that your daughter was adopted from China? DNA testing might make finding birth relatives a possibility now or in the future for your daughter. My husband has a friend whose daughter (who was adopted from China to Canada) connected with a half-sister who was adopted to the US.

M.

 

[aprilgail]

My daughter (adopted) has also shown no interest in finding her birth family - although, in her case, it would not be possible as there are no birth records to open. We re-visit the topic every so often so that she feels comfortable expressing her feelings to me but, at age 14, she still had no interest.

My daughter has a friend that was adopted from China- she is 19 now and going to China this summer to try to find out anything she can about where she came from. She did DNA but no hits on that.

 

[china mom]

I'm assuming from your user name that your daughter was adopted from China? DNA testing might make finding birth relatives a possibility now or in the future for your daughter. My husband has a friend whose daughter (who was adopted from China to Canada) connected with a half-sister who was adopted to the US.

M.

Yes, DD is from China

This was actually the crux of our conversation earlier this week. I brought up the DNA databases and the potential to find relatives. I was trying to find out if she was at all interested in the possibility. Nope, she says she has no interest. But, we will keep the lines of communication open in case she has a change of heart.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

@LovesTimone thank you for sharing. There are probably countless cases where dysfunctional biological relatives are found, or will be found (although don’t we all have issues?)

I can completely understand the childhood fantasies and how hard it could be to deal with the reality. I didn’t have as much interest in my heritage or biological tendencies until after I had children of my own. I also have a very supportive family- husband, kids, and in-laws- it’s not a decision to take lightly.

I sincerely applaud your friend and her parents for overcoming the struggles and helping others to cope. I’d also love her opinion on allowing adoptees the right to know their biological relatives names. Does she regret finding out? Is she happy and fulfilled now after things have settled? Does she feel she would’ve been better off not finding them? Would she have rather kept her illusions? It’s a difficult and delicate situation.

I guess there are reasons for the old adage-
You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone or be careful what you wish for

 

[aprilgail]

Passed the next hurdle! One step closer!

Assembly Passes Legislation to Enable Adoptees to Access Birth Certificate​

​

Speaker Carl Heastie, Health Committee Chair Richard N.Gottfried and Assemblymember David Weprin today announced the Assembly has passed legislation that would allow adoptees to obtain a certified copy of their birth certificate (A.5494, Weprin).
"Knowing who we are and where we came from is critical not only to understanding our heritage, but for knowing our health history and any risks it might pose," said Speaker Heastie. "This legislation would ensure all New York adoptees have access to the information they need and deserve."
"Access to your personal information – who you are and where you come from – is a human right," said Assemblymember Gottfried. "New Yorkers need their own medical histories in order to make better health care choices. And connecting adoptees and birth parents works; in the overwhelming majority of cases, these reunions are cherished by both parties. I am proud we passed this bill today and look forward to the governor signing it into law."
"For too long New York's archaic laws have denied adult adoptees access to background information and a complete health history that nearly everyone has a legal right to, including those who 'age-out' of foster care," said Assemblymember Weprin. "Our outdated laws are designed to protect the anonymity of birth parents that may not have even requested it, with no regard for the needs of the adoptee. Today's legislation will deliver equality for all New York adoptees."
Under the bill, adult adoptees 18 years and older would be able to receive a certified copy of their original long form birth certificate. If the adoptee is deceased, the adopted person's direct line of descendants, the lawful representative of such adopted person or lawful representatives of such deceased adopted person's direct line of descendants would be able to receive the birth certificate of the adoptee.
Under current law, original birth certificates are placed under seal and cannot be accessed without a judicial proceeding, which does not guarantee that the adoptee will be given access.

 

[LovesTimone]

@LovesTimone thank you for sharing. There are probably countless cases where dysfunctional biological relatives are found, or will be found (although don’t we all have issues?)

I can completely understand the childhood fantasies and how hard it could be to deal with the reality. I didn’t have as much interest in my heritage or biological tendencies until after I had children of my own. I also have a very supportive family- husband, kids, and in-laws- it’s not a decision to take lightly.

I sincerely applaud your friend and her parents for overcoming the struggles and helping others to cope. I’d also love her opinion on allowing adoptees the right to know their biological relatives names. Does she regret finding out? Is she happy and fulfilled now after things have settled? Does she feel she would’ve been better off not finding them? Would she have rather kept her illusions? It’s a difficult and delicate situation.

I guess there are reasons for the old adage-
You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone or be careful what you wish for

It took a while for me to get back to you...

She did tell me that she honestly regretted looking for her bio-parents, not only for the pain and heart break it caused her and the aftermath of all the problems she caused herself.. it completely destroyed her life, she broke her engagement to the love of her life, she was quite out of control for about 2 years afterward, lots of self medicating, drinks and risky behavior, outlandish and dangerous actions... as well the pain and heart ache and what it put her parents through... she has lots guilt about doing it... She said most days she has some peace... other day not so much...

For her the devastation of the finding out the truth, she said that if she could go back and put the jeannie in the bottle she would gladly do it... So in a word yes she completely regrets it...

From what she has seen and in her work, with the people she works with most of the time around 85 to 90% of the people that do find their bio-parent wished they did not and/or regretted doing it... and there is so much aftermath and completely incinerates not only their life, as well as everyone that loves them...

I did ask her what she thinks about "allowing adoptees to right to know their biological parent names"... A firm No....

She feels that the Bio-parents giving up the child have rights as well and they should be allowed the choice to decided... Most people do it because there is no other choice and/or this will give the child a opportunity to go to someone that can love that child and truly wants a child and provide a decent home and family life for that child... and as well some do it because they do not want any children...

Another thought these type of laws will keep people from putting the child up for adoption, because they do not want to have to reveal who they are, and the stigma that come with giving a child up for adoption... then you get shady back alley adoptions, no screening process just a money transaction, or people that are not fit for a child or do not have the child best interest at heart, they have other interest in the child... not so pure intentions... and mothers who are desperate might not come forward, which leads to other measures...

The real parents of these children also have rights... they love, and care for their kids, nurture, take care of them when they are sick, or cheer them on... They have rights as well... just because you can have a baby, doesn't make you the parent... The people that love and care for you are the real parent.

She did go on to say that there should be some type of standard adoption process in all 50 states... so that family medical history should be mandatory both mother and father... As well as the bio-parents choose whether for contact to happen... that the bio-parents rights are just as important as the child's rights... as well some type of national data bank of bio-parents who are willing to make contact... leaving it up to the child to decided as an adult...

She said the most important thing is how adoption is viewed... The stigma that everyone seem have about adoption and the surrounding facts of adoption.. If people would just talk about, bring it out of the shadows... would be a huge win... As well as some education on how to tell a child that they are adopted, and dealing with the whys, and not placing the bio-parents on a pedestal... and tell them why they were placed and the bio-parent could not or would not care for them.... Honesty should be front and foremost...

As far as her life, she said while her work is very meaningful and important... and rewarding... and that's all she has... As far as a personal life or marriage or kids... she sadly says in just not in the cards for her, and she said she longs for what could have been and what she hoped and dreamed of and it was right there and she was living it and she destroyed it .... She said that in all honesty, she wished to God she had never had the first thought about finding her bio-donors ... this what she calls them... She did go on the say, she is thankful for her giving birth to her... Most of all she is so thankful for her real parents for loving her and putting up with and the pain she brought with finding the bio-donors...