@LovesTimone thank you for sharing. There are probably countless cases where dysfunctional biological relatives are found, or will be found (although don’t we all have issues?)
I can completely understand the childhood fantasies and how hard it could be to deal with the reality. I didn’t have as much interest in my heritage or biological tendencies until after I had children of my own. I also have a very supportive family- husband, kids, and in-laws- it’s not a decision to take lightly.
I sincerely applaud your friend and her parents for overcoming the struggles and helping others to cope. I’d also love her opinion on allowing adoptees the right to know their biological relatives names. Does she regret finding out? Is she happy and fulfilled now after things have settled? Does she feel she would’ve been better off not finding them? Would she have rather kept her illusions? It’s a difficult and delicate situation.
I guess there are reasons for the old adage-
You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone or be careful what you wish for
It took a while for me to get back to you...
She did tell me that she honestly regretted looking for her bio-parents, not only for the pain and heart break it caused her and the aftermath of all the problems she caused herself.. it completely destroyed her life, she broke her engagement to the love of her life, she was quite out of control for about 2 years afterward, lots of self medicating, drinks and risky behavior, outlandish and dangerous actions... as well the pain and heart ache and what it put her parents through... she has lots guilt about doing it... She said most days she has some peace... other day not so much...
For her the devastation of the finding out the truth, she said that if she could go back and put the jeannie in the bottle she would gladly do it... So in a word yes she completely regrets it...
From what she has seen and in her work, with the people she works with most of the time around 85 to 90% of the people that do find their bio-parent wished they did not and/or regretted doing it... and there is so much aftermath and completely incinerates not only their life, as well as everyone that loves them...
I did ask her what she thinks about "allowing adoptees to right to know their biological parent names"... A firm No....
She feels that the Bio-parents giving up the child have rights as well and they should be allowed the choice to decided... Most people do it because there is no other choice and/or this will give the child a opportunity to go to someone that can love that child and truly wants a child and provide a decent home and family life for that child... and as well some do it because they do not want any children...
Another thought these type of laws will keep people from putting the child up for adoption, because they do not want to have to reveal who they are, and the stigma that come with giving a child up for adoption... then you get shady back alley adoptions, no screening process just a money transaction, or people that are not fit for a child or do not have the child best interest at heart, they have other interest in the child... not so pure intentions... and mothers who are desperate might not come forward, which leads to other measures...
The real parents of these children also have rights... they love, and care for their kids, nurture, take care of them when they are sick, or cheer them on... They have rights as well... just because you can have a baby, doesn't make you the parent...
The people that love and care for you are the real parent.
She did go on to say that there should be some type of standard adoption process in all 50 states... so that family medical history should be mandatory both mother and father... As well as the bio-parents choose whether for contact to happen... that the bio-parents rights are just as important as the child's rights... as well some type of national data bank of bio-parents who are willing to make contact... leaving it up to the child to decided as an adult...
She said the most important thing is how adoption is viewed... The stigma that everyone seem have about adoption and the surrounding facts of adoption.. If people would just talk about, bring it out of the shadows... would be a huge win... As well as some education on how to tell a child that they are adopted, and dealing with the whys, and not placing the bio-parents on a pedestal... and tell them why they were placed and the bio-parent could not or would not care for them.... Honesty should be front and foremost...
As far as her life, she said while her work is very meaningful and important... and rewarding... and that's all she has... As far as a personal life or marriage or kids... she sadly says in just not in the cards for her, and she said she longs for what could have been and what she hoped and dreamed of and it was right there and she was living it and she destroyed it .... She said that in all honesty, she wished to God she had never had the first thought about finding her bio-donors ... this what she calls them... She did go on the say, she is thankful for her giving birth to her... Most of all she is so thankful for her real parents for loving her and putting up with and the pain she brought with finding the bio-donors...