Adoption Story on Today Show

[shortbun]

There's a story on the Today Show about a young man from Virginia whose girlfriend gave up their baby for adoption at birth. He showed up at the hospital to see the baby, but the adoption agency had whisked the baby off to Utah. Even though he filed for custody immediately in VA, he didn't know where his baby was until after Utah's waiting period to finalize the adoption had passed. He's been trying for almost 3 years to get the baby back.

IMO, this is no different from the guy who was trying to get his son back from Brazil. An adoption agency kidnapped this kid from his father and took her to another state. That dad deserves to have his baby back.

While I believe very much in a mother's sole right to decide about what happens to her baby when she gives birth, I sympathize with this man. If the birthmom thought he was preparing to parent, why would she not have allowed it? There is something else involved her, count on it. AND- when we adopted our son, we asked for a signature from both birth parents and got it prior to taking him home from the hospital. It was a private adoption. I don't see the adoption agency as kidnapping the baby here. Adopting parents get the baby as soon as the papers legally required in the state are signed and filed. Most states only 'require' the birth mother to sign because so many men are absent these days. If they required a sign off from the fathers, I'd guess thousands of babies would be in limbo waiting for that.

Again, why did this birthmom not consider the birthfather a viable option? I'd like that information before I make any judgements.

 

[superme80]

Again, why did this birthmom not consider the birthfather a viable option? I'd like that information before I make any judgements.

My fear is he is not the biological father and she hid it from him. I am really hoping that is not the case and he gets his daughter back soon. what a sad story.

 

[shortbun]

Marry her ? or how about not having got her pregnant in the first place. Or go to a lawyer before the birth and get something in writing that he was going to adopt the baby or take custody however it has to be done in Virginia if he can't be on the birth certificate.

He should have checked regarding his parental rights prior to the birth of the child. He obviously knew he and the birth mom didn't have a relationship and that she didn't feel she could depend on him for anything.

When our son was about to be born, we contacted the county, the hospital and the courts to be sure everyone knew we intended to adopt him. When his birthmom was in labor, we made more phone calls to the social worker in charge of adoptions in that county and the hospital just to be sure nothing went awry. Then, my sister went to the hospital and sat with the birthmom and watched over our newborn son just to make sure someone was there as our agent. I guess we were smarter than this young man but we had not even registered anywhere to adopt him. All our paperwork was done post birth and during our state's 6 month waiting period. The social worker told us the waiting period was to protect our son and make sure we were fit. The birth parents had signed away their legal rights to be his parents.

Young men need to know how this stuff all works. It was naive of him to have unprotected sex and it was naive of him to think he could just waltz in and claim custody of a child he'd had little to do with since conception. Men just can't go around and impregnate women willy nilly and then drag their feet in participating to parent. He should have been by her side, going to doctors visits...at least have contacted an attorney regarding his rights and requirements. It's a birthmom's choice and should stay that way unless the birth father makes PRIOR arrangements.

 

[jrmasm]

While I believe very much in a mother's sole right to decide about what happens to her baby when she gives birth, I sympathize with this man. If the birthmom thought he was preparing to parent, why would she not have allowed it? There is something else involved her, count on it. AND- when we adopted our son, we asked for a signature from both birth parents and got it prior to taking him home from the hospital. It was a private adoption. I don't see the adoption agency as kidnapping the baby here. Adopting parents get the baby as soon as the papers legally required in the state are signed and filed. Most states only 'require' the birth mother to sign because so many men are absent these days. If they required a sign off from the fathers, I'd guess thousands of babies would be in limbo waiting for that.

Again, why did this birthmom not consider the birthfather a viable option? I'd like that information before I make any judgements.

He should have checked regarding his parental rights prior to the birth of the child. He obviously knew he and the birth mom didn't have a relationship and that she didn't feel she could depend on him for anything.

When our son was about to be born, we contacted the county, the hospital and the courts to be sure everyone knew we intended to adopt him. When his birthmom was in labor, we made more phone calls to the social worker in charge of adoptions in that county and the hospital just to be sure nothing went awry. Then, my sister went to the hospital and sat with the birthmom and watched over our newborn son just to make sure someone was there as our agent. I guess we were smarter than this young man but we had not even registered anywhere to adopt him. All our paperwork was done post birth and during our state's 6 month waiting period. The social worker told us the waiting period was to protect our son and make sure we were fit. The birth parents had signed away their legal rights to be his parents.

Young men need to know how this stuff all works. It was naive of him to have unprotected sex and it was naive of him to think he could just waltz in and claim custody of a child he'd had little to do with since conception. Men just can't go around and impregnate women willy nilly and then drag their feet in participating to parent. He should have been by her side, going to doctors visits...at least have contacted an attorney regarding his rights and requirements. It's a birthmom's choice and should stay that way unless the birth father makes PRIOR arrangements.

Why? Are biological mothers inherently superior in some way to biological fathers?

 

[shortbun]

My fear is he is not the biological father and she hid it from him. I am really hoping that is not the case and he gets his daughter back soon. what a sad story.

See, I side with the welfare of the child at this point. If she's in a good family situation, she should stay there with him being allowed visitation and a relationship. She can be very loved that way by many people who want her. What could be better? Divorced parents relocate all the time to be close to their children. This young man should consider going to Utah, getting a job and becoming a part of that family's support system to keep his child in a loving environment.

 

[timmac]

While I believe very much in a mother's sole right to decide about what happens to her baby when she gives birth

Hmm... I gotta give a pretty firm disagreement on that one. Unless you're also implying that birth fathers shouldn't be required to pay child support, either, for instance... though I doubt you'd take that stance.

Any system in which the birth mother has sole rights, but both parents have some level of responsibility (and I don't know any state in which that doesn't apply), is fundamentally flawed.

 

[dodukes]

I really cant believe after reading this thread that most people dont see this as black and white. The birth father is fit to be a parent (meaning he is not drugged out, or whatever can be deemed to not be good for the baby) and there should be no reason why they cant hand him his baby today. I dont see where there is gray area here. A birth parent should have the first say in whether they want to parent or not. He obviously wanted to and should be allowed to.

As to a PP saying that he didnt go with the mom to appt and al that, we dont know that, I havent seen anything that says he didnt????? I mean not going to EVERY appt doesnt make him want his child any less than those who do. I'm sure all the good people here at the disboards didnt have a spouse attend EVERY single thing that came up. Good for you if you did, but its not realistic to most people.

 

[Allison]

While I believe very much in a mother's sole right to decide about what happens to her baby when she gives birth, I sympathize with this man.

Really? A father shouldn't have any rights in regards to their own child when they are born? Wowza.

 

[Hannathy]

Really? A father shouldn't have any rights in regards to their own child when they are born? Wowza.

There are legal ways to get that. They just need to do things legally.

 

[jrmasm]

There are legal ways to get that. They just need to do things legally.

And when they try and the state of Utah says screw you, that should be the end of it?

 

[Allison]

There are legal ways to get that. They just need to do things legally.

A father isn't just a father because of legalities any more than a mother is.

 

[AuntBJ]

There are legal ways to get that. They just need to do things legally.

The way I have read it, according to Virginia, the father did everything legally and ordered the child returned there.

Utah upheld the Utah adoption filed after the father's custody petition was filed in Virginia.

What happens if the child leaves the state of Utah?

 

[ols386]

While I believe very much in a mother's sole right to decide about what happens to her baby when she gives birth, I sympathize with this man.

I strongly disagree with this statement. It's just as much a father's child as it is a mother's child. Just because a mother gives birth, doesn't give her anymore sayso regarding the child's welfare than the father...unless the father has committed some crime and is sitting in jail.

 

[ols386]

See, I side with the welfare of the child at this point. If she's in a good family situation, she should stay there with him being allowed visitation and a relationship. She can be very loved that way by many people who want her. What could be better? Divorced parents relocate all the time to be close to their children. This young man should consider going to Utah, getting a job and becoming a part of that family's support system to keep his child in a loving environment.

Do you really believe that the adoptive parents are going to allow him being a part of that situation? I don't.

 

[ginna74]

Hmm... I gotta give a pretty firm disagreement on that one. Unless you're also implying that birth fathers shouldn't be required to pay child support, either, for instance... though I doubt you'd take that stance.

I think that people just want to pick and choose when fathers should or should not be involved. If they want money then a father should pay or if they don't want a father to be involved in the decision making then it is her body, her rights, or her baby her decision.

 

[bettymae1121]

Young men need to know how this stuff all works. It was naive of him to have unprotected sex and it was naive of him to think he could just waltz in and claim custody of a child he'd had little to do with since conception. Men just can't go around and impregnate women willy nilly and then drag their feet in participating to parent. He should have been by her side, going to doctors visits...at least have contacted an attorney regarding his rights and requirements. It's a birthmom's choice and should stay that way unless the birth father makes PRIOR arrangements.

And if she refuses to let him go to appointments? We already know she kept the fact she was in labor secret from him, so he couldn't be there for that. Why do you think she told him when her appointments were? And even if he knew, dads don't tend to go to standard checkups anyway. I'm pregnant right now and of the half dozen appointments I've had, the only one my DH has been to is the ultrasound. Does that make him an uninvolved dad?

Why are you placing all of the blame on the father when it was the birth mother who caused this mess. He filled 5 days after the birth (4 days after discovering the baby was missing, it may have taken that long to find a lawyer and get everything filed, epsecially if a weekend was involved, courts are closed), that's hardly dragging ones feet. About the only thing he might have been able to do differently was to see a lawyer prior to the birth but considering how things went down, I'm not sure that would have helped much. The lawyer still wouldn't have been able to file anything until the baby was born, and the kid was in the agency's hands by the time the dad was informed the child was born.

The mother knew the father wanted the child, but she hid the fact she went into labor and signed the child over anyway. She's got the most blame in this situation, based on the information presented.

 

[krcit]

I actually know someone this happened to. The birth father was never even told that the mother was pregnant. She was away at college so it was easy to hide. She gave birth and gave up the baby. Someone told the father within days of the birth. He fought for and got custody of his daughter about 1 year after her birth. Should he have just given up on his child because he was deceived and lied to by someone he was in a relationship for years? BTW, he is an amazing dad and raised a wonderful dd who is a successful and happy adult now.

 

[aprilgail2]

I didn't read or hear about the story, so I don't know any of the details, and while it's awful for the young man, I can't imagine it's in the best interest of the child to tear him/her away from his/her parents. Nor is it fair to the parents who have loved and cared for this child for the last 3 years.

WHAT??? The young man was screwed over by the childs mother and the adoption agency. That child has every right to be with their own flesh and blood. The child is 3- by the time they are 6 they will have forgotten all about the other "parents". The bio-father has every right to that child!
Some women amaze me--they want things their way no matter what---if they want to keep the baby and the father doesn't he doesn't have a choice he is paying until the kid is 21....if she doesn't want the baby and he does then he shouldn't have any say in that either and she can give the baby away with no say from him.... wow....

 

[Allison]

WHAT??? The young man was screwed over by the childs mother and the adoption agency. That child has every right to be with their own flesh and blood. The child is 3- by the time they are 6 they will have forgotten all about the other "parents". The bio-father has every right to that child!
Some women amaze me--they want things their way no matter what---if they want to keep the baby and the father doesn't he doesn't have a choice he is paying until the kid is 21....if she doesn't want the baby and he doesn't then he shouldn't have any say in that either and she can give the baby away with no say from him.... wow....

Scary isn't it.

 

[mamacatnv]

I heard this story this morning. The attorney commented that people knowingly seek out Utah adoptions because of the IMO shady nature of the laws.

This young man has every right to his child. The adoptive parents have declined comment. It is my belief based on the only facts available and presented that the adoptive parents are hoping that by fighting this that the child continues to live with them so that they can play the "you can't take her away from the only parents she has ever known" card.
I think their attorney has already played it, that was his comment that was shown on the program.
Shame on them.

They knew that both parties did not consent, they knew that there could be trouble and from what it sounds like they knew fairly early on that the Father wanted his child. .
I'm sure it would be very difficult but the right thing to do would have been to return the child right then and there.

Any stress, trauma etc to the child is solely the adoptive parents responsibility and I also think that the adoptive parents should be ordered to pay the fathers legal fees. I hope he pursues this till he gets the child back

IMO this is legal wrangled kidnapping.

In no way do I believe that a father has no rights. Sure, if the mother wants to give up the child that is her perogative but if the bio father wants the child he should get the child, it is his child as much as it is hers.