Adopting older child??

[ERMama]

(just because it bugs me so much because i hear it often).

Yes, cost of children is an issue. You should only have the number of children you can honestly financially support.
Many people will take out car loans or lease cars. They will take out loans for rental property.

I just cant understand how people view taking out a loan to add a child to their family as being so stupid when they themselves take out a loan for a silly piece of metal (car, boat, atv, motorcycle, etc).

Do not compare my daughter to a car. I do not care that I could have bought a "nice car" for what we paid for her. (we actually do lease nice cars thank you very much). I do not care that we "could have put a nice down payment on a nice house" (we own our own very nice house thanks).

We wanted a child. We wanted to give a child who needed a home a loving family. We took out a loan to pay the expenses it took to do this.
Best money we ever spent. Way better than that nice car Im driving around.

So dont say you really want to adopt yet cant financially afford it when what you really are saying is, it would be nice to adopt but Im not willing to give up any of my toys in order to provide a child with a good home. Because if you arent really willing to sacrifice, ,then maybe you arent the ideal adoptive parents anyways.

(and yes, i do understand there really are lower income families who actually do NOT have the money to adopt. but i dont really think if you are that poor that you would be regularly posting on a disney vacation board.)

 

[TheRatPack]

We adopted from the foster care system, but it wasn't free. YOu can adopt through your local Department of Family and Children's Services for free...or close to it, but we wanted to broaden our search so we went with a private agency that worked with many states. Our foster care system was much like what was described above...they wanted you to be long term foster parents before, and no one was signing up so they only had classes once or twice a year....they were really negative about adoption only families. We still had to take the IMPACT or MAPP classes, but again...since we went through a private agency they set all that up and we took it over a long weekend about 3 hours away from home. We also took a lot of classes on our own, our state has a good resource center for foster and adoptive parents and they offer classes just about every week that are FREE!!!

So again....if you want to adopt there is always a way. We used some of the proceeds from the sale of our house, had lots of yardsales and even took out a loan in the end when we had some unexpected expenses pop up....it's still being paid for LOL But, all in good time.....it was worth it.

 

[asmit4]

(just because it bugs me so much because i hear it often).

Yes, cost of children is an issue. You should only have the number of children you can honestly financially support.
Many people will take out car loans or lease cars. They will take out loans for rental property.

I just cant understand how people view taking out a loan to add a child to their family as being so stupid when they themselves take out a loan for a silly piece of metal (car, boat, atv, motorcycle, etc).

Do not compare my daughter to a car. I do not care that I could have bought a "nice car" for what we paid for her. (we actually do lease nice cars thank you very much). I do not care that we "could have put a nice down payment on a nice house" (we own our own very nice house thanks).

We wanted a child. We wanted to give a child who needed a home a loving family. We took out a loan to pay the expenses it took to do this.
Best money we ever spent. Way better than that nice car Im driving around.

So dont say you really want to adopt yet cant financially afford it when what you really are saying is, it would be nice to adopt but Im not willing to give up any of my toys in order to provide a child with a good home. Because if you arent really willing to sacrifice, ,then maybe you arent the ideal adoptive parents anyways.

(and yes, i do understand there really are lower income families who actually do NOT have the money to adopt. but i dont really think if you are that poor that you would be regularly posting on a disney vacation board.)

WOW...SLOW DOWN HERE...

1. I NEVER EVER said it was 'stupid' to take out a loan for a child.
2. I NEVER EVER compared a child to a CAR.
3. HOW do you know what we can afford? You say I'm not willing to give up any of my 'toys'....that is an out of line statement b/c you don't know me or my husband. We have a house and 2 cars-both combined are not worth 30K...that's it....our house is also VERY modest- 1100 sq. feet, 3brd. 1 bath and NO basement. We both work for NFP institutions b/c we choose to.

I have NO idea where your anger is coming from. I only stated that I had heard many people that paid 30K in order to adopt...I was wondering if that was in fact true 'across the board'...as even if we wanted to adopt, I doubt we could ever afford it. We just bought our house last year with little $ down (just married, only 28), no equity really...

Secondly, I'm on the boards b/c my parents are considering taking us on our second free trip to DW. My husband and I couldn't afford to do a trip to DW if they hadn't offered to pay.

WOW...it seems to me as if someone, whether it be family or friends has brought up issues of cost and compared your child to a car...I'm sorry to hear that, but it certainly wasn't me. I would NEVER EVER do such a thing.

If we were truly serious about adopting, which we might be in 5 years or so, I would consider asking our parents for help, as both sets of parents could financially swing the $$. OR, I'd look into other options, perhaps programs that might help those of us that make well under 100K a year adopt a child to love and care for.

I believe adopting is a wonderful calling, something that should be carefully considered and I only wish that perhaps there were ways for those of us that don't have the $, to do so. Perhaps there are, I haven't looked into it as we just started truly discussing the possibility.

I wish you and your family all the best, the truth is, no amount of $ should ever come between giving a child a good home. I wish more people would consider adoption. Every time I bring up the idea that my husband and I might adopt down the line, I get all sorts of lines....'THOSE kids have problems, HOW could you raise a child that is NOT your own?, WHO wants a drug addicted baby'.....it's terrible! I wish more people would consider the positives like many of you have.

 

[crisi]

(just because it bugs me so much because i hear it often).

Yes, cost of children is an issue. You should only have the number of children you can honestly financially support.
Many people will take out car loans or lease cars. They will take out loans for rental property.

I just cant understand how people view taking out a loan to add a child to their family as being so stupid when they themselves take out a loan for a silly piece of metal (car, boat, atv, motorcycle, etc).

Do not compare my daughter to a car. I do not care that I could have bought a "nice car" for what we paid for her. (we actually do lease nice cars thank you very much). I do not care that we "could have put a nice down payment on a nice house" (we own our own very nice house thanks).

We wanted a child. We wanted to give a child who needed a home a loving family. We took out a loan to pay the expenses it took to do this.
Best money we ever spent. Way better than that nice car Im driving around.

So dont say you really want to adopt yet cant financially afford it when what you really are saying is, it would be nice to adopt but Im not willing to give up any of my toys in order to provide a child with a good home. Because if you arent really willing to sacrifice, ,then maybe you arent the ideal adoptive parents anyways.

(and yes, i do understand there really are lower income families who actually do NOT have the money to adopt. but i dont really think if you are that poor that you would be regularly posting on a disney vacation board.)

Bugs me as well. Shortly after I adopted, when I had two girlfriends in the process of adopting the three of us were in the room (possibly for the last time) with an acquaintance. She gushed about how much she 'always wanted to adopt' and then did the 'but its so expensive' deal. Yes, all three of us said, its really expensive, but it isn't that much money in the greater scheme of things - for me it was less than two years of daycare. All three of us scrimped and gave up different things to adopt - vacations, nicer homes, newer cars. But she was sure it was "too expensive" - they didn't have much and she didn't understand how the adoption industry could charge so much - they were keeping her from something she always wanted to do.

The conversation turned and eventually turned to her new $40k car.

Not everyone is a blatant as this woman was, but - like you - I know a lot of people who have funded adoptions on very small incomes. If you want it bad enough, you'll find the money.

(Fees and their uses vary. We adopted through Korea and the costs were quite reasonable since they included 40 hours of social work, foster care for our son for six months, birthmother programs for his birthmother, care for children who are left in the Korean system, paperwork, etc.)

 

[TheRatPack]

Just wait till you adopt.....especially if they are a different race. I get tons and tons of remarks that are just off the wall and uncalled for. We've really gotten good at ignoring most of them...but sometimes you feel like just giving them a raised eyebrow and walking away LOL

I don't think that the other post was directed to you...she was just stating that she hears it all the time and money should never be an obstacle Since you're looking 5 years down the road...I'm sure you'll be able to work out something Start researching grants and such now too....even the different countries and their requirements as far as income, age, weight....etc. You'd be amazed how many restrictions some countries place on adopting families when adopting internationally. Also look in to adopting domestically, there are many low cost programs out there you just have to seek them out.

We started out wanting to adopt internationally from the Philippines, an older child or sibling group. After researching it quite a bit more...we decided against it due to different experiences that our social/homestudy worker described to us with older children from other countries. We also spoke to several families that had adopted older children from other countries and decided for a domestic adoption.

Oh and check out hosting an older child from another country....you 'sponsor' them and you get to host them all summer with the intention of either adopting them yourselves or bringing them to these 'adoption' picnics where other possible families will be so these older children can find homes.

 

[kat3668]

After losing 2 pregnancies a few few years ago I began looking into adoption as an option while deciding what to do.

Unfortunately I discovered that foreign adoption is probably better then US adoption. I went to a meeting regarding adopting a child from my area and soon discovered they were more interested in you being a foster parent first before being considered an adoptive parent. And as a foster parent the #1 goal is to get the child back with the birth parents. This can lead to becoming very attached to a child only to have to one day return him/her to the parents. Or if the birth parent(s) never give up their rights the poor child can be left in foster care indefinately being in a constant state of limo.

It is easier to adopt an older child or one with serious phyical and/or emotional problems in this country. Chances are the older child will have some emotional problems as they have been victims of uncaring birth parents and "the system".

It breaks my heart to say this, but many older children in the US that can be adopted have been through so much to get to this point, that you need to be prepared to deal with whatever may be. And I would think in many cases these are good kids who just need the love, understanding and security of stable parents, but it will take time. If it was just you and your husband that's one thing, but you also have your children to consider.

In looking into foreign adoption, the process I think is better. In many countries what is considered a physical problem is a simple matter or procedure in the US - such as cleft lip.
Also some adoptive parents brought up the fact that coming from a foreign country the desire to look for birth parents or that birth parents will come looking for them is much less.

From my reseach - foreign adoption can cost around $30,000-$40,000. If you're not doing a private adoption in US the costs are probably much less, but you probably will still need a lawyer and have to go through a lot of scrutiny and such.

You hate to reduce children to pros and cons when it comes to adoption, but it will have a premanent affect on your life and your children and the child you adopt.

When you give birth to a child you never know what type of person they will become, but you love them with all your heart and continue to do so no matter what. You need to have that same unconditional love for a child you adopt plus the support and willingness of everyone in your family to do so as well.

Good Luck!

The need for foster homes in an enourmous issue in this country. Becoming a foster parent is just a step you need to take to begin the adoption process. I as a former foster child was very lucky to have found Wonderful foster parents that I consider my REAL family. If people do not have $30,000 dollars to shell out and are caring and willing to work with all the people who are trying to help these kids it can be so rewarding. I have been encouraging everyone I know to step up to the plate (me included) and try to help the thousands of kids in this country who need a secure, loving home. One of my friends is in the process of adopting her 4 years old foster daughter who was just her 3rd foster child since becoming lisenced. My foster family adopted a sibling group of 4 girls aged 10 months, 2, 6 and 8 when they came into care. Was it easy? No but the rewards sometimed outweigh the negatives. I say GO FOR IT and I applaud you for wanting to help an older child find a forever home!

 

[ERMama]

No real anger, just annoyance. And not really "you", just middle class people in general.
Every time adoption is brought up its always assumed its too expensive.
I know many who chose to remain childless because they "couldnt afford adoption". Most of the people that tell me how expensive it is would honestly not be in financial hardship if they adopted.
I do understand that there are financial issues that arise that can hinder or delay someone from adopting. And I do understand that not everyone is emotionally ready to adopt.

Our dd has only been home not even 2 months yet but we started the adoption process 16 months ago.
I can not tell you the amount of times I have been told what we could have bought with the money. Yes, people really do say "wow you could have bought a nice car for the amount of money you spent on her". Ive had people tell me blatently I should have given them the money so they could buy a house. People really do ask how much she cost. People really do say we "paid to get a girl".

We havent gotten any racial comments yet but Im sure they will come. I usually let negative stuff roll off my back but yet sometimes I just want to educate people. You CAN afford to adopt IF you reallly WANT to.

 

[NotUrsula]

I can not tell you the amount of times I have been told what we could have bought with the money. Yes, people really do say "wow you could have bought a nice car for the amount of money you spent on her". ... People really do ask how much she cost. People really do say we "paid to get a girl".

I haven't adopted, but I'd like to point out that in this day and age of little respect for personal boundaries, people make these remarks about biological children, too. In fact they are usually even more snarky about it, because money spent on infertility treatment tends to be more of a gamble than adoption fees. I had a biological child at 46, and I get asked how much we spent for her ALL the time. My usually answer is, "I'm a cheap date; I think it was a movie and a beer."

My point being, rude busybodies don't deserve a real answer to questions like these. In your case, I think I'd just come back with, "Wow, do you realize that you just said that out loud?"

 

[TheRatPack]

I haven't adopted, but I'd like to point out that in this day and age of little respect for personal boundaries, people make these remarks about biological children, too. In fact they are usually even more snarky about it, because money spent on infertility treatment tends to be more of a gamble than adoption fees. I had a biological child at 46, and I get asked how much we spent for her ALL the time. My usually answer is, "I'm a cheap date; I think it was a movie and a beer."

My point being, rude busybodies don't deserve a real answer to questions like these. In your case, I think I'd just come back with, "Wow, do you realize that you just said that out loud?"

LOL, loving that comment and reply!!! We have 5 children and so you can imagine all the comments we get, especially with 3 of them being adopted and a different skin color. People are always saying "where did you get them?" or "Where were they born".....ummm, it's none of your business and it's not really relevant. I try and be cordial but you can only filter that question so many times. I'll have to remember to repeat your "wow" comment to them

 

[mykidsintow]

We have 2 beautiful children, both adopted. Our son happily tells people where he was born, as does our daughter. I don't believe anyone needs to nose around about their birth families, but we discuss everything openly and they are welcome to share as much as they like whenever they feel they want to. Adoption is very open in our home.

We have not adopted older children (our son was 5 months, our daughter was a week old). However, we hae fostered on and off for 8 years. We also host children from Africa while in the US for medical treatment. We have had kids of all ages with all types "issues" and needs, medical, physical and emotional.

Adopting isn't for the faint of heart. I think spending 80K on an adoption is absolutely absurd. I would *never* pay over 20K in total fees for a private adoption (yes we have adopted privately). I know people who have spent more, but I am not one and never will be. I would pefer to keep some of that and have money to still raise the child once its home. I am not sure how we are going to go about our next additions, but we are feeling ready. I am thinking it will be a private agency and state sibling group.... of some kind, somewhere.

Your whole family should be on board.... Tha said.... I say go for it! Be ready to have massive amts of patience and expect the worst and hope for better!

Feel free to contact me if you want to talk about anything specific.

 

[Lucky'sMom]

Last Sept, we adopted 2 brothers from Russia. They were 13 and 15 when we adopted them. We also have 3 "homemade" children that are younger. I always felt a little yearning inside to adopt an older child, ever since I was a child. Our church "sponsored" their orphanage and one of them was our sponsor child. Some people thought we were crazy since we already had 3 kids. For us, it was really a calling from God. We really felt this was what we were supposed to do. I read all of the books on RAD and we attended programs put on by our local foster care/adoption program. We have truly been blessed so far to have not experienced any issues with either of them. They are happy to be here and have blended into our family very well. We are taking our kids to WDW in June, and absolutely cannot wait to see their faces! It is a big decision, and can be an expensive one. God blessed us more than we could have hoped for, and most of the money appeared in unexpected ways. If it is "meant" to be, it WILL work out! Best wishes to you and your husband as you make this life-changing decision.

 

[5 crazy kids]

of adopting a 7 year old girl and 4 year old boy. We have 2 bio kids, 8 and 5, and an adopted son, 2 (almost 3).
Bio kids can have problems. Adopted kids can have problems.
We adjust and deal with whatever is going on at any given time.

We have done ours through foster care. It does not cost anything and you typically also get financial support for the child's needs as well as full medical coverage. Sometimes even once you adopt (depends on the "status" of the child).

Call your local health and human services, take classes to foster/adopt, and then decide what you want to do.

Good luck!

 

[TheRatPack]

I also wanted to repeat the comment about it being a 'calling'. We've said many times that if we hadn't known that this was a calling from God, we would have questioned our decision a million times over because of all the things we've been through. It's made us face our own weaknesses as parents, realize that even when things are God's Will that they won't necessarily be what you've envisioned...etc. So again, be absolutely positively sure that this is what you're being called to do. Don't do it because you want to 'save' an orphan....many of the kids won't feel 'saved' as much as they do ripped from the lives they've known for so long.....you might be the enemy for a while! If you know deep down that this is your calling though, when those tough times come....you know that you're supposed to learn something from them and you won't be asking yourself if you did the right thing. That's been our comfort many many times during this whole process. A process that was started 7 years ago LOL....so we prayed a LOT to get to this point.

 

[LoriMomx5]

We have 4 biological sons and adopted our daughter who is African -Amercian (we are caucasain) through a domestic adoption with an agency. Our adoption fees were greatly reduced as our beautiful daughter could not be placed because of her race and was considered special needs. We have gotten several remarks about "adopting to get our girl" And I even had one African -American co worker make a comment when another co worker asked me about the tax credit for adoption that she knew we must have had a financial gain to have adopted an African-American baby. Like the cost of raising a child was included in the adoption tax credit! Our daughter is truely a blessing to us and was planned by God to be part of our family the same as our sons. Lori

 

[Willow25]

I work in the foster care field in Australia and wanted to echo the words of the posters who said read up on attachment disorders. The reality is that the percantage of kids in care who have some form of an attachment disorder is like 90. Treatment of attachment disorders is costly and heartbreaking and something that you would need to be prepared for. Also the kids I work with who are older when they are adopted often return to their birth families eventually no matter what kind of abuse they suffered as younger children. This can be extremely difficult for the adoptive parents as they feel rejected etc.

In saying all of that it can be a truly wonderful experience and there are so many kids that need safe and happy homes.

Whatever you decide GOOD LUCK!!

 

[mommy4]

Wow, this has been an interesting discussion. I'll share our story.
We have always wanted a large family and after 3 biological sons, we decided we wanted to expand our family through adoption. We looked into all of the options and decided to adopt from Ethiopia. We did think about all of the racial issues involved and spent many hours thinking everything through. However, what it boiled down to was that we wanted another child and children everywhere from all over the world need families.
It took us 15 months and about $15,000 (no we didn't benefit from the tax credit).
Our daughter was 9 months old when she came home and has been such a blessing in our lives. She is now a happy healthy 16 month old! We have not had any attachment problems with her, in fact she came to me easily right after she got off the plane! (we had her escorted)
Yes, we live with racial issues every day, mainly just curious people who mean no harm, but sometimes it is hard to deal with. It is something that will always be a part of our lives, but to us she is just our little girl!
Please people remember that every child deserves a home, even those who are troubled! One social worker told us that some children, mostly foster care children, are "damaged" goods. It was just about the worst thing I had ever heard in my life. Every child deserves a chance to be in a home and to be loved. If you feel that you can parent and love a child- do it! Just be prepared and read as much as you can and get in a support group!
me
DH
DS (7)
DS (5)
DS (3)
DD (1) home from Ethiopia September 2007
first WDW family trip November 2008

 

[crisi]

WOW...SLOW DOWN HERE...

1. I NEVER EVER said it was 'stupid' to take out a loan for a child.
2. I NEVER EVER compared a child to a CAR.
3. HOW do you know what we can afford? You say I'm not willing to give up any of my 'toys'....that is an out of line statement b/c you don't know me or my husband. We have a house and 2 cars-both combined are not worth 30K...that's it....our house is also VERY modest- 1100 sq. feet, 3brd. 1 bath and NO basement. We both work for NFP institutions b/c we choose to.

I have NO idea where your anger is coming from. I only stated that I had heard many people that paid 30K in order to adopt...I was wondering if that was in fact true 'across the board'...as even if we wanted to adopt, I doubt we could ever afford it. We just bought our house last year with little $ down (just married, only 28), no equity really...

Secondly, I'm on the boards b/c my parents are considering taking us on our second free trip to DW. My husband and I couldn't afford to do a trip to DW if they hadn't offered to pay.

WOW...it seems to me as if someone, whether it be family or friends has brought up issues of cost and compared your child to a car...I'm sorry to hear that, but it certainly wasn't me. I would NEVER EVER do such a thing.

If we were truly serious about adopting, which we might be in 5 years or so, I would consider asking our parents for help, as both sets of parents could financially swing the $$. OR, I'd look into other options, perhaps programs that might help those of us that make well under 100K a year adopt a child to love and care for.

I believe adopting is a wonderful calling, something that should be carefully considered and I only wish that perhaps there were ways for those of us that don't have the $, to do so. Perhaps there are, I haven't looked into it as we just started truly discussing the possibility.

I wish you and your family all the best, the truth is, no amount of $ should ever come between giving a child a good home. I wish more people would consider adoption. Every time I bring up the idea that my husband and I might adopt down the line, I get all sorts of lines....'THOSE kids have problems, HOW could you raise a child that is NOT your own?, WHO wants a drug addicted baby'.....it's terrible! I wish more people would consider the positives like many of you have.

I wish you all the luck in the world. But print this post out and your previous post and if you adopt once your child has been in your home for a year, read what you said. And you'll likely understand where the anger comes from. It isn't directed at YOU, but the money thing on this end of the process is nearly as bad as the "not yours" thing. Its just that people have been educated not to imply our kids aren't "real" - they haven't been educated not to tell us we spent too much.

The other thing is that once you know how it works, it isn't that expensive. There is a tax credit. A lot of employers have adoption programs that contribute to the cost. Yes, there are still really expensive adoptions out there, but the people choosing them are making the choice to enter into expensive programs.

The most hurtful thing that is said to me (I have a Korean son and a bio daughter) is "wow, you got pregnant right away. Well isn't that they way it always works." People saying it are completely innocent, making small talk - and what I hear is "you adopted your son as a means to get your daughter." The racial comments (I haven't gotten many) I can write off as coming from bigots. The "I could never raise someone else's child" - well, everyone is different, if you still think after adopting it is someone else's child you shouldn't. But the direct insinuation that my son is a mere fertility treatment, can't get past that one - though I know that isn't what they MEANT to imply.

My sister went through breast cancer and spent five figures out of pocket - plus income loss from time off work. And no one ever says "gee, you could have bought a car with that money."

In thousands of conversations in real life and on line about adoption, only people who have not adopted ever complain about the cost. People who have adopted find those complaints to be offensive. People in the process of adopting get advice from others on how to handle the cost, but tend to be very cautious of sounding like they are complaining. Now you know.

 

[ERMama]

I think spending 80K on an adoption is absolutely absurd. I would *never* pay over 20K in total fees for a private adoption (yes we have adopted privately). I know people who have spent more, but I am not one and never will be. I would pefer to keep some of that and have money to still raise the child once its home.
.

I have all the respect in the world for people who can take in children with physical and emotional special needs but it was not right for our family. Our oldest bio son has received special ed services since he was 3. Hes 7 and in regular classes but still, just not the right choice for our family.
I do realize domestic adoption is less expensive but again, for us, that was not an option. The reasons are numerous.

You said you would never spend over 20K for an adoption and I think I somewhat understand where you are coming from. However, dont belittle people who do spend more to adopt the child thats right for their family.
Honestly, I really dont think the extra $15k I spent over the lifetime of the child amounts to too much more. Its not in anyway affecting our families or our daugthers financial future.

I mean, its not like the kids walk around with price tags on their foreheads. Who really cares how much their adoptions cost?