Ack! Advice quickly, please!

[sam_gordon]

"Sorry, we want to keep the numbers small and would appreciate it if "John" doesn't come. Thanks".

That being said, I also don't see the big deal with him showing up. He'll probably be attached at the hip to his girlfriend and you won't have to say a dozen words to him.

 

[indimom]

I'd let the boyfriend come. But, I've had kids for a long time, and many family parties, and many/many/many boyfriends/girlfriends at those parties.
Like others, we have random extras in lots of holiday and birthday and wedding photos over the years.
Personally, I no longer hang my group wedding photo on the wall because it includes the ex-husbands of my sister and my best friend who have since remarried and moved on. Their former spouses were part of the family at that time and also part of the wedding. I wanted them in the pictures back then. Now... I barely know them.
Everyone has moved on, and so I just put that photo into an album and kept up the photo of my husband I. After 20 odd years, those pix I spent $$$$money$$$$ on are not that big of a deal anymore...

These sorts of things are going to continue to crop up over the years. And someday, it may be the OP's son who wants to bring his girlfriend to a family party...

 

[Kellykins1218]

I don't even understand what the issue is here. It's just a 1 year old's birthday party. Jeeze, just invite him & then give him the job of taking all of the pictures so he won't be in any of them. Look at that, problem solved.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Honestly, I'd let him come.

1) You will not have to make small talk with a teenage boy.

2) Now you have someone to take the group photo you actually want!

DH has a big family, and we've had many friends/boyfriends/extras at family gatherings over the years. It feels perfectly normal to me. Speaking specifically to the first birthday scenario, though - the sister of my DS's godmother happened to be visiting her at the time of his first birthday. We absolutely included her, and she was a huge help!

 

[mom2rtk]

If you don't want your niece scowling in the photos, invite him. Surest way to a smile. Like a PP said, their faces WILL be in their phones the entire time.

That said, I don't think you should hesitate to politely say no.

If you say yes though, sometimes old boyfriend photos are some of the best family treasures. Be sure you get him in some photos to pull out 10 years from now to share with her.

 

[Owlpost23]

Don't be "that Aunt".Let the kid come and be gracious about it.Are you afraid of him finding out about the "secret handshake" your family has?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I am willing to bet the 13 and 16 year old don't even want to be at the party.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

2) Now you have someone to take the group photo you actually want!

 

[LSUmiss]

Don't be "that Aunt".Let the kid come and be gracious about it.Are you afraid of him finding out about the "secret handshake" your family has?

I guess I am “that aunt” & resent that I have to be b/c ppl are often pushy, rude & don’t respect boundaries. In my experience with these type relatives, it’s always some new pushiness. I don’t see it as being gracious b/c it often gets misinterpreted & then they’re always crossing some new boundary. Admittedly, I don’t have teens yet, but when I was a teen, & I had a BF, he wasn’t part of all my family get togethers. I was a kid still & was still subject to whatever rules the family had for the kids. I didn’t dare ask nor did my parents to invite him somewhere if he wasn’t invited already (which he mostly wasn’t). And for the record, he is long gone so as significant of a relationship it felt to me at 16, it was very fleeting & the adults in my life realized the likelihood of this (without telling me). To me this whole idea feeds into the entitled problem we have in our society. And, it’s dismissive of OPs feelings to say “it’s no big deal”. I feel like some ppl who are saying it’s no big deal are b/c they are those pushy relatives!

 

[Nancyg56]

Yes, it's my first kid, but I know myself well enough to say I'd be feeling the same way if this was my fifth kid or a birthday party for a dog (not that I do those, lol). I think it's rude to ask if you can bring someone to other peoples' homes, especially when it's such a small gathering, especially when it's immediate family only. We didn't invite the extended family because our house is small and things will already be tight as it is with eight people, so I do feel a little at being asked to host someone I don't know. And there is no background for him to disappear into as the whole party will take place in the living room, so if he comes he will be very much a part of the dynamic.

It's your home and you are well wthin your right to say no. With that said, this situation may get more difficult to navigate as your nieces and nephews get older.

 

[amcnj]

I was going to say what a previous poster did, it is your right to say "no", but be prepared for the possibility that the daughter will not want to come. But you would know her and the likelihood of this better than any of us would.

 

[luvsJack]

Honestly I wouldn’t think of him as any different than the niece wanting to bring her female Bff. It’s not about treating a teen bf as a part of the family, it’s not about crossing boundaries. It’s the simple fact that teens like to be with other teens. So for me, if she is most confortable with her friend being there, then it’s my job as host to make her feel welcome and comfortable.

If you are going to say no, I wouldn’t use the “want to keep it small” line. Going from 8 to 9 really doesn’t change the size of the party or suddenly make it a “big” party.

 

[nkereina]

I'm another one who would let him come. As your teen nieces grow older, this becomes more and more likely to happen whether they want to invite friends, boyfriends, etc. Teens want to hang out with those people, not their parents and other relatives. So I'd let him come and be prepared for it to happen again in the future.

 

[mjkacmom]

I am willing to bet the 13 and 16 year old don't even want to be at the party.

I’d bet it all on that.

 

[anniemae]

Honestly I wouldn’t think of him as any different than the niece wanting to bring her female Bff. It’s not about treating a teen bf as a part of the family, it’s not about crossing boundaries. It’s the simple fact that teens like to be with other teens. So for me, if she is most confortable with her friend being there, then it’s my job as host to make her feel welcome and comfortable.

If you are going to say no, I wouldn’t use the “want to keep it small” line. Going from 8 to 9 really doesn’t change the size of the party or suddenly make it a “big” party.

This is so true. And let's face it, your child's first birthday is an amazing, wonderful, time in your life. But for your relatives, it's not as big of a deal. I went to all my niece and nephews first parties, snapped photos of the cake all over their face, ate food, mingled etc. But at the end of the day it was not a super important day in my life. I was happy to go, but even happier to leave. LOL! Having another teen their may make it more manageable for her.

I do think you are within your rights to say no, but be prepared for a chilly reception. I would not make up any excuses, just a simple text saying something like, "sorry, not this time."

 

[sk!mom]

I agree the niece might do this too. But, I personally wouldn’t care. Basically that’s throwing a fit when you don’t get your way. Tough.

Yes, but if this is a very small gathering, making it tense with even 1 or 2 of the guests can make for an even more uncomfortable evening than having 1 additional guest would.

Also, I just want to say my niece is a very mature, sweet girl and I think she would handle this graciously if we said no. I highly doubt she'd refuse to come, though she'd be free to make that choice, of course. My SIL is also easy going and would take it in stride, at least superficially. My concern was mainly about how to convey the message without hurting feelings, or rubbing someone the wrong way, or making them feel embarrassed for having asked in the first place. Or maybe my DH and I just need to get more comfortable with telling people 'no.'

If they are gracious friendly people, then I would definitely say yes. Why make them feel uncomfortable and sorry for asking?

@Allison is 100% correct about this. You won't have to talk to him much at all. Ostensibly the grown-ups will be paying attention to the birthday baby and visiting with each other. Your DNiece and this BF will be be focused on each other and/or their phones. Believe me - this is how it will happen.

Unfortunately there isn't much way to nuance it; at least if you don't want to risk them misunderstanding and bringing him anyway. For example, if you say "We were actually thinking it would just be family", it may be too vague and they just shrug and bring him anyway. You'll need to be direct and say "No, not this time."

You don't have to let him come; you really don't. I'm all for setting and protecting boundaries but I do urge you to be realistic. If he's not included be prepared for your niece to get petulant and refuse to come herself. Teens really, really are like this and as a parent, not all hills are worth dying on. If her parents allow her to bow out, don't get bitter.

Whatever happens, try not to stress - enjoy the day with your precious little one.

I'm all for boundaries too but I just don't really see this as boundary crossing. I would imagine that in a year the mom of the teen has gotten quite used to having the boyfriend around. Additionally if she's an easy going person and you all get along well, I would just imagine that she felt close enough to ask. I would never make such a request to anyone except family. With family, I would think that we were close enough to ask. As I said upthread, bringing a significant other has become so common with my many nieces and nephews over the years that we just plan on them.

OP, I also wonder if you would have the same issue if the 16 year old were an adult in a year long relationship? Would you include the bf in the invitation then? I ask because the teen will likely see this as the same. We adults know that it is different but teens "in love" do not see it. She will likely see it as you disrespecting her relationship.

And really, OP, you are way over thinking this. I might have been annoyed by the request but would have replied- "the more the merrier" and moved on. Back to planning and prepping for a fun evening.

 

[Praying Colonel]

When in doubt, be welcoming and generous.

 

[sk!mom]

This is so true. And let's face it, your child's first birthday is an amazing, wonderful, time in your life. But for your relatives, it's not as big of a deal. I went to all my niece and nephews first parties, snapped photos of the cake all over their face, ate food, mingled etc. But at the end of the day it was not a super important day in my life. I was happy to go, but even happier to leave. LOL! Having another teen their may make it more manageable for her.

I do think you are within your rights to say no, but be prepared for a chilly reception. I would not make up any excuses, just a simple text saying something like, "sorry, not this time."

So true! Funnily enough, DH and I had lunch with friends Sunday, they were telling us about checking out a new beer garden one evening last week. In their words, "we were on our way to a one year old's birthday party so stopping at happy hour on the way seemed like it would improve the evening." And these were middle aged adults not teens. Truth is this is a milestone to you, OP, but more of an obligation to anyone beyond parents and grandparents.

 

[Tattylou]

You asked for advice - seems the majority are saying just say the "more the merrier". You want to say "no" so just say "no" or "we want this to be only family" or "not this time" or some version of that...then be prepared for whatever their reaction may be to your saying no. Maybe they'll just say ok and be fine. Maybe they will be a little annoyed. Maybe they won't come. I don't know them to know how it will go. It sounds like you think SIL will react ok.

Fwiw I'm in the more the merrier camp...and my boyfriend at 16 is now my husband.

 

[JaxDad]

Several years from now, you will be able to do one of the following:
- Kid your niece about that "loser" she used to date; or
- Share photos of her and her still boyfriend/fiancé/husband from when they first started dating.