Ack! Advice quickly, please!

[Southernmiss]

So true! Funnily enough, DH and I had lunch with friends Sunday, they were telling us about checking out a new beer garden one evening last week. In their words, "we were on our way to a one year old's birthday party so stopping at happy hour on the way seemed like it would improve the evening." And these were middle aged adults not teens. Truth is this is a milestone to you, OP, but more of an obligation to anyone beyond parents and grandparents.

Putting this idea in back pocket for later!

Yes, for most of those attending it's going to be more of an obligation than a exciting must not miss event.

 

[Southernmiss]

When in doubt, be welcoming and generous.

Perfect! I have a few instances in my parenting past when I was not welcoming and generous to extra kids (friends of my kids) joining us and now I do regret it.

Life is too short to err on not being welcoming.

This is not a $100 a plate catered event.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

You child's first birthday = awesome

Your grandchild's first birthday = awesome

Your in-law's fourth child's first birthday = How can I get out of going to this?

 

[LSUmiss]

So true! Funnily enough, DH and I had lunch with friends Sunday, they were telling us about checking out a new beer garden one evening last week. In their words, "we were on our way to a one year old's birthday party so stopping at happy hour on the way seemed like it would improve the evening." And these were middle aged adults not teens. Truth is this is a milestone to you, OP, but more of an obligation to anyone beyond parents and grandparents.

And for me often those family members on DH’s side who tend to push boundaries (which is why I feel like I can relate) are also just an obligation for me to even invite b/c MIL wants “her family” included so to me, don’t come if you feel it’s too boring or whatever for you. But, all family dynamics are different. But, I would be perfectly fine if those ppl in my family didn’t come.

 

[LSUmiss]

I'm another one who would let him come. As your teen nieces grow older, this becomes more and more likely to happen whether they want to invite friends, boyfriends, etc. Teens want to hang out with those people, not their parents and other relatives. So I'd let him come and be prepared for it to happen again in the future.

Sorry. There is plenty I would “rather” do or ppl I’d rather be with sometimes, but that’s just life. Teens need to get that too.

 

[cabanafrau]

And for me often those family members on DH’s side who tend to push boundaries (which is why I feel like I can relate) are also just an obligation for me to even invite b/c MIL wants “her family” included so to me, don’t come if you feel it’s too boring or whatever for you. But, all family dynamics are different. But, I would be perfectly fine if those ppl in my family didn’t come.

Sorry. There is plenty I would “rather” do or ppl I’d rather be with sometimes, but that’s just life. Teens need to get that too.

So it's fine if "people in the family don't come". Yet teens need to "get" that they have to do what they don't want to do with people they don't want to be with sometimes?

OP has already voiced a much less abrasive view of their family, teens included, but you seem to have a decidedly different take. Why is it that you feel teens in particular shouldn't be able to decline if they don't wish to come?

 

[mmouse37]

Also, I just want to say my niece is a very mature, sweet girl and I think she would handle this graciously if we said no. I highly doubt she'd refuse to come, though she'd be free to make that choice, of course. My SIL is also easy going and would take it in stride, at least superficially. My concern was mainly about how to convey the message without hurting feelings, or rubbing someone the wrong way, or making them feel embarrassed for having asked in the first place. Or maybe my DH and I just need to get more comfortable with telling people 'no.'

You admitted your being not so social....so is that the driving force of how you feel? Maybe explain to your niece that for this particular party you would feel uncomfortable having a somewhat "stranger" at the party. You would rather meet and get to know him at another time or place. Of course it is your call.

Me, personally, would let him come but I come from a big family with four other siblings so we always had a stray or two or three at all family functions!

MJ

 

[mjkacmom]

And for me often those family members on DH’s side who tend to push boundaries (which is why I feel like I can relate) are also just an obligation for me to even invite b/c MIL wants “her family” included so to me, don’t come if you feel it’s too boring or whatever for you. But, all family dynamics are different. But, I would be perfectly fine if those ppl in my family didn’t come.

But most of those replying don’t think asking if the bf can come is pushing boundaries. Personally, I wouldn’t give it a second thought if my sister asked if my niece could bring her boyfriend to a first birthday gathering. Since it was a last minute request, I’m guessing the 16 year old was trying to get out of going (don’t blame her, not surprised, I’ve been though 5 teens of my own), and mom chose not to to make this a battle (which can be frequent, depending on the teen). The OP obviously thinks this event is very important, and would likely be offended if the teen chose not to attend.

 

[RedAngie]

If for whatever reason it's important to you for the niece to be there, invite the boyfriend too.

If it really doesn't matter if she attends or not, no harm in telling her no.

 

[Micca]

And there is no background for him to disappear into as the whole party will take place in the living room, so if he comes he will be very much a part of the dynamic.

Put him in charge of the food & drinks, he can make sure everyone has refills and he can take plates & flatware away when people finish eating. And while he's at it he can put them in the sink with some warm water and a little Dawn so the frosting from the cake won't dry up and be hard to remove. If there's weather to contend with he can scrape windshields for the rest of the family. If you forget something, he can run down to the 7-11 and buy a couple of two liters of Sprite. Concerning the photos--HE is the photog. Consider him not so much a guest, but a voluntary beast of burden.

 

[mombrontrent]

I’m in the camp of let him come, the more the merrier. But maybe I’m one of those pushy relatives that don’t know boundaries, lol! My daughter who is almost 16 has been dating her boyfriend for over two years and he pretty much tags along whenever we go to family events. I have even brought him along when we have stayed for weekends at relatives homes. I always give a heads up and say he’s coming but no one seems to care. They hang out with other teens or even the rest of the family. My daughter is also included in his family events and regularly goes over for holiday meals or weekend trips away to stay with his family. It’s nice for them to get to know each other’s extended family and the truth is the more really is merrier most of the time.

I also have no issues hosting whoever wishes to be at my home. If you want to be here for Johnny’s birthday or Christmas dinner then I’m happy to have you here. My BIL has brought his father along on occasion, my son has had a new girlfriend over for family events or holiday meals, I’ve had friends come for Christmas dinner when the rest of their family is across the country ect. ect. I truly try to be open and welcoming to everyone, it’s just one of those things that to me is important. If my teenage nephew wants to bring a new girlfriend for Easter dinner I’m happy to host and meet her. Basically if you want to be at my home and part of the event then I’m happy to include you and it makes me happy that you want to be included.

 

[cabanafrau]

I’m in the camp of let him come, the more the merrier. But maybe I’m one of those pushy relatives that don’t know boundaries, lol! My daughter who is almost 16 has been dating her boyfriend for over two years and he pretty much tags along whenever we go to family events. I have even brought him along when we have stayed for weekends at relatives homes. I always give a heads up and say he’s coming but no one seems to care. They hang out with other teens or even the rest of the family. My daughter is also included in his family events and regularly goes over for holiday meals or weekend trips away to stay with his family. It’s nice for them to get to know each other’s extended family and the truth is the more really is merrier most of the time.

I also have no issues hosting whoever wishes to be at my home. If you want to be here for Johnny’s birthday or Christmas dinner then I’m happy to have you here. My BIL has brought his father along on occasion, my son has had a new girlfriend over for family events or holiday meals, I’ve had friends come for Christmas dinner when the rest of their family is across the country ect. ect. I truly try to be open and welcoming to everyone, it’s just one of those things that to me is important. If my teenage nephew wants to bring a new girlfriend for Easter dinner I’m happy to host and meet her. Basically if you want to be at my home and part of the event then I’m happy to include you and it makes me happy that you want to be included.

This type of philosophy might be food for thought for OP. She's mentioned she and her husband aren't incredibly social, but what type of life/social life do they hope for in regards to their son's future?

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

OP should consider if she wants to post a "wedding invite snub" question in a few years time. She keeps saying only the neice, sister, and mother know this kid well, but that is 1/3 of the party right there. Sounds like a perfect time to get to know the boyfriend.

 

[mombrontrent]

This type of philosophy might be food for thought for OP. She's mentioned she and her husband aren't incredibly social, but what type of life/social life do they hope for in regards to their son's future?

You know I’m not incredibly social myself, I avoid most social gatherings and events if I can so that is why I feel so strongly about being welcoming. I think if you want to take time out if your day/holiday to be with my family then I’m going to make you feel as welcome and included as I can.

Also while I know my daughters teenage relationship might not last a lifetime right now she is learning great life skills with her boyfriends family. She is learning all about different family dynamics and is getting to know another family’s traditions. She sees the good, the bad and the ugly and loves to tell me all about it, lol!

 

[BrookieM2001]

I’m in the camp of let him come, the more the merrier. But maybe I’m one of those pushy relatives that don’t know boundaries, lol! My daughter who is almost 16 has been dating her boyfriend for over two years and he pretty much tags along whenever we go to family events. I have even brought him along when we have stayed for weekends at relatives homes. I always give a heads up and say he’s coming but no one seems to care. They hang out with other teens or even the rest of the family. My daughter is also included in his family events and regularly goes over for holiday meals or weekend trips away to stay with his family. It’s nice for them to get to know each other’s extended family and the truth is the more really is merrier most of the time.

I also have no issues hosting whoever wishes to be at my home. If you want to be here for Johnny’s birthday or Christmas dinner then I’m happy to have you here. My BIL has brought his father along on occasion, my son has had a new girlfriend over for family events or holiday meals, I’ve had friends come for Christmas dinner when the rest of their family is across the country ect. ect. I truly try to be open and welcoming to everyone, it’s just one of those things that to me is important. If my teenage nephew wants to bring a new girlfriend for Easter dinner I’m happy to host and meet her. Basically if you want to be at my home and part of the event then I’m happy to include you and it makes me happy that you want to be included.

This is me too. Maybe it’s because I come from a large extended family, but I regularly host Christmas dinner for 27-40 people, depending on who made it home.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that I care about whoever they care about and that our home is an open and welcoming place to everyone. I mean, I don’t necessarily look forward to seeing my in laws or making small talk with a stranger I have nothing in common with, but that’s my job as host. My purpose is to make my guests feel as comfortable and at home as possible, so excluding people they care about feels very foreign to me.

My sister has invited her coworkers to Xmas dinner before because they had nowhere else to go. I want my girls to grow up with that feeling, that everyone is welcome in our home and if they ever have someone to bring home to meet us, they can feel assured that person will be greeted with respect and friendliness.

 

[cabanafrau]

You know I’m not incredibly social myself, I avoid most social gatherings and events if I can so that is why I feel so strongly about being welcoming. I think if you want to take time out if your day/holiday to be with my family then I’m going to make you feel as welcome and included as I can.

Also while I know my daughters teenage relationship might not last a lifetime right now she is learning great life skills with her boyfriends family. She is learning all about different family dynamics and is getting to know another family’s traditions. She sees the good, the bad and the ugly and loves to tell me all about it, lol!

Nothing like life experience to open their eyes. My daughter experienced a real dilly with her boyfriend's mother on Valentine's Day that laid out for her in six-foot flashing neon letters what a future married to him would include.

 

[Distinkt]

You are entitled to invite whomever you wish to your little one's party. I am also in the camp of extending the invitation to your niece's boyfriend, because it will be a great way to meet him. In a few weeks will you honestly even care that he was there? However, in a few weeks you relatives may remember the slight. That said, if you are not happy with him being there, you should just kindly tell your SIL your feelings, just like you have explained on these postings. It seems like even with all the encouragement from the people who have responded that you know that you do not want the boyfriend to attend.

This is just an observation. As your baby grows you are going to have to deal with unfamiliar faces more and more, new friends from school, parents of playmates, teammates, all sorts of people who you might not embrace under other circumstances. I hope you try to curb your resistance to the unfamiliar for the sake of your child. It really only enriches a child when he is exposed to a large group of diverse people. My fondest memories are of all the friends and their families who passed through my now grown children's lives.

 

[mombrontrent]

This is me too. Maybe it’s because I come from a large extended family, but I regularly host Christmas dinner for 27-40 people, depending on who made it home.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that I care about whoever they care about and that our home is an open and welcoming place to everyone. I mean, I don’t necessarily look forward to seeing my in laws or making small talk with a stranger I have nothing in common with, but that’s my job as host. My purpose is to make my guests feel as comfortable and at home as possible, so excluding people they care about feels very foreign to me.

My sister has invited her coworkers to Xmas dinner before because they had nowhere else to go. I want my girls to grow up with that feeling, that everyone is welcome in our home and if they ever have someone to bring home to meet us, they can feel assured that person will be greeted with respect and friendliness.

This is exactly how I feel. I will always welcome anyone that my family wants to include. If my son wants to invite a new girlfriend for thanksgiving dinner (which did happen) then I’m happy that he wants to include her and that she wants to be included. They aren’t dating anymore but are still friends and she always stops to make small talk with me for a few minutes when I see her.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think my response would be "I think he would be bored senseless, but if he wants to come, whatever."

 

[brockash]

Hey guys.

My son's first birthday is Thursday, two days from now. We're having a little party at our house that evening. We've invited my best friend and my husband's immediate family -- His parents, bro and SIL, and his sister and her two teen daughters, ages 13 and 16. Very small affair. My husband's sister just texted him asking if the 16y.o. can bring her boyfriend. He and the niece have been dating for about a year and I've only met him once in passing.

It feels awkward to have a virtual stranger at my baby's first birthday party, forever immortalized in the pictures. Also, I think it's a bit rude of my SIL to invite someone else to our house, especially on short notice (TBH, there will be plenty of food so I can't claim a problem there).

I kind of feel weird about this and want to say no, but I don't know if I'm justified in feeling that way and how we would go about wording that in the reply text so as to not upset anyone. My husband is annoyed she would even ask. We need to reply to her soon -- Thoughts on what to say?

It's a bday party. In my opinion you're being too uptight about it. I'd let the boyfriend come...its not that big of a deal.