A question for husbands

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I've been stewing about this all day and would love to hear the man point of view. We went out last night with a bunch of friends and at the end of the evening had a few drinks at a neighborhood bar. It was crowded, but 6 of us had bar stools. I was on an end, and everyone except DH was kind of sitting back in their seat so that everyone could see and talk to everyone. Except DH. He sat with his back to me all night. Can you picture this? The only way I could have been part of the discussion was to sit on top of the bar. He did it the whole time we were there. I was just so mad!

I guess some people would say I gave him the silent treatment when we got home but I just didn't feel like talking to him. I kept thinking, oh, now you want to talk to me!

He was just clueless about what I could be mad about and I just felt petty and never told him, just went to sleep and felt better in the morning. But I started thinking about how my DH never seems to give me the "silent treatement".

You husbands out there: Do you ever get hurt feelings from things we do like this, or are women, as a rule, just more sensitive?

Just curious. I'm not mad anymore.

 

[mtemm]

not a husband, but I am a wife. if I had been in your situation I would have tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to switch seats so I could be part of the conversation.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

not a husband, but I am a wife. if I had been in your situation I would have tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to switch seats so I could be part of the conversation.

I am embarrassed to say I didn't even think of this. I guess I kept thinking, let's see how long he does this and how long he forgets I'm sitting here! It was about 1/2 hour, not the whole evening or anything.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm also not a husband, but also am curious if you asked him if he would lean back so that you could see and be part of the discussion. Maybe he was truly clueless. My DH's middle name is Clueless and from what I've read on the DIS, it's a very common middle name.

In our relationship, I'm not big on the silent treatment. I want to talk about things, even if it means arguing. He wants to say his piece and then end the conversation...period. If he says his thing and I say something back, he says that I'm going on and on. You'd think that we would have worked though this since we've been married for 24 years, but nope. So I don't think I'm a great one to offer advice in this department.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I'm also not a husband, but also am curious if you asked him if he would lean back so that you could see and be part of the discussion.

No, like I said, I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't think of it. I was kind of talking to an older gentleman that just lost his wife that was sitting on the other side of me (I think he was trying to flirt with me or something, it was kind of cute.)

I think I was kind of considering that it was an experiment or something, to see if DH would ever turn around and remember I was there.

But like I said, I felt petty about it later and I'm not mad anymore. I just started thinking about how DH never gets bothered by stuff like this and wondered it their feelings ever get hurt. If I asked DH this question I know he'd say "no" in a very macho way not wanting to admit anything ever got to him. I wonder if that's true, though.

 

[Master Mason]

I am a husband.

As a general rule of thumb, guys need to be told what your thinking, were not too good at reading minds, and some are better than others at reading body language... But it is always much better just to say what your thinking instead of letting it simmer.

The other thing about most guys is the get into whatever it is they are doing and don't interact well outside that. (example watching tv. Guys go in the tv, and don't hear the conversation around them) So get their attention and then tell them what you want done. Most if not all, will jump at the chance to do something you would like for them to do.

As for the silent treatment..... I can't stand it, it just P'es me off but that is probably because my mom was the queen of it...

This as always is just my opinion, and my generalizations are meant as just that, they are not true for each and every person, but as a general rule, they are true.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I am embarrassed to say I didn't even think of this. I guess I kept thinking, let's see how long he does this and how long he forgets I'm sitting here! It was about 1/2 hour, not the whole evening or anything.

Our replies crossed each other.

Sometimes the most obvious solution is the last one that we think of. Maybe tell your DH that you're sorry that you didn't even think to ask him to sit back or to switch seats. Tell him that you'll try to communicate better next time and that hopefully he'll try to think about your needs better and at the very least try to read your mind better. We do expect our guys to think like us, and sometimes it's just not going to happen.

Master Mason, I think that mind reading should be a required premarital class! And the reason I don't like the silent treatment is because my mom was so good at it. When she was mad the whole house had an icy feel to it. I'd rather get mad and have my DH (or my family) know I was mad, tell him why, and then be over it. But if it's shoved under the rug that doesn't happen.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Thanks for all your replies, but the situation itself is really not the problem. DH really doesn't even know that I was mad, just that I was quiet when we got home. All is normal today.

I was more curious about men getting their feelings hurt. I know that DH can get mad about stuff, but I was trying to think of the last time I thought his feelings were hurt. They never seem to be. Does he ever feel slighted or left out or anything like that. I know he wouldn't admit it if he did, but maybe men just don't get that way????

 

[Master Mason]

I think men just react differently.

Easy example. Tell your girl friend that she doesn't know how to do something.... Then tell your husband he doesn't know how to do the exact same thing.... see the difference in reactions.

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

Husband here:

A man who has always been a part of his wife's conversations at parties and maybe feels a bit insecure might get his feelings hurt. No difference in the sexes. I think it all depends on the past relationship. If you both typically carry on your own conversations at parties, then he probably doesn't even realize you felt left out.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

I think men just react differently.

Easy example. Tell your girl friend that she doesn't know how to do something.... Then tell your husband he doesn't know how to do the exact same thing.... see the difference in reactions.

So you think that women cry and men shout; something like that? That could be true. I hate to generalize. I know that's not always true.

 

[tmt martins]

Man sometimes I would just LOVE the Silent treatment

But your right we are not mind readers and how did you put yourself in the position to be ignored all night.Move your seat around reposition others it's a bar move around.

Other then that I don't give the silent treatment I just let her know what bothers me right then and there. If I have to I will just take DD out and thats real torture for DW to here what fun we had without her.

But most of the time I could care less if she pays attention to me or not after 13 years of marriage and 20 years together thats just how it is.We see each other and are always doing stuff just as a family so if we're out with friends it's our time to catchup with them not really each other.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

If you both typically carry on your own conversations at parties, then he probably doesn't even realize you felt left out.

My DH is pretty famous for ditching me the minute we get to a party even if it's his work associates and I don't know a soul, so I guess I'm used to it and don't really have a problem getting into conversations at parties , and that doesn't ever bother me. There was just something about his back to me for all that time.

Like I said, I know it was petty. I'm not defending my reaction, just wondering if men ever feel that way.

 

[Master Mason]

Master Mason, I think that mind reading should be a required premarital class! And the reason I don't like the silent treatment is because my mom was so good at it. When she was mad the whole house had an icy feel to it. I'd rather get mad and have my DH (or my family) know I was mad, tell him why, and then be over it. But if it's shoved under the rug that doesn't happen.

I told my wife from the very beginning of our relationship. I can't read your mind, I won't attempt it, and she shouldn't expect it. If she wants something she needs to say something, otherwise.... it's just not my problem... Once the ground rules were laid out, it works great... she tells me what she wants or needs, and I'm not walking around wondering what she wants or needs.

My mom was the master, but it was funny because she could only do it to one person at a time... so when you were in her dog house you didn't get a word, but as soon as somone else screwed up... then you were released. So, for the last 10 years of her life or so, there was always one of the 5 of us, (four kids and dad) that weren't being talked to.....

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

In our relationship, I'm not big on the silent treatment. I want to talk about things, even if it means arguing.

Say it isn't so!!!!!

I probably would have reacted the same way. Surprisingly, I am big on the silent treatment and I often think about it after the fact. I can quite often be my own worst enemy.

 

[AllyandJack]

My DH would drive me crazy when he'd run into a friend and not introduce me. We'd be in the grocery store and he'd run into someone I didn't know from work and he'd carry on this big conversation like I wasn't there. If the guy was polite, he'd introduce himself to me. I'd get so mad. I'd just walk off and let DH try and find me in the store. I know - immature. I don't care. A simple, "So-And-So, this is my wife, Carla. Carla, this is So-And-So from work." That's all I want.

You should have put your head over his shoulder and just sat like that. Eventually, he would have figured out that you were blocked from civilization.

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Say it isn't so!!!!!

Surprisingly, I am big on the silent treatment and I often think about it after the fact. .

Honestly, I don't think it's the silent treatment unless it lasts for more than a few hours. For me, it's "I don't like you very much right now and just really don't feel like chit chatting." It never lasts long with me, but I think at that time, he's really better off with me holding my tongue!!!!

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Honestly, I don't think it's the silent treatment unless it lasts for more than a few hours. For me, it's "I don't like you very much right now and just really don't feel like chit chatting." It never lasts long with me, but I think at that time, he's really better off with me holding my tongue!!!!

ITA! And I think my DH is very aware of it too!

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

This is what my DH does to me and it drives me nuts. A little background:

DH is a career firefighter and has a second job as a home inspector. I'm a real estate agent.

He'll meet someone, or see someone he knows and he'll give them his card and totally forget about mine. I always want to thump him upside the head since my income can far outweigh what he makes on an inspection.

It's like, "Hellllloooo!"!

 

[Race the Reaper]

You should've just sat quietly on your bar stool......looking lonely...........then eventually you would be hit on by another man........voila'.......conversation!