A Plea: People Posting Confidentially

[Liberty Belle]

If I wanted some input on private marital issues, I think an anonymous post on a message board is preferable to discussing it with friends and family who actually know the spouse.

I agree and I'd prefer my husband ask a bunch of strangers rather than going to our friends or family.

 

[tlbwriter]

However the spouse may feel that you shouldn't have been going ANYWHERE for input on that. Becuase they don't want you to talk to anyone about it.

That's your opinion. Do not assume it is a universal truth.

I don't post about marital problems here, and I wouldn't have a problem with my husband reading anything I've said. But if he were going to ask for advice about an issue in our marriage, I would MUCH rather he anonymously asked strangers instead of going to friends, family, coworkers, etc. Sometimes you just need to get a different viewpoint (see all of the "who was wrong here?") posts.

 

[NY Disney fan]

If I wanted some input on private marital issues, I think an anonymous post on a message board is preferable to discussing it with friends and family who actually know the spouse.

I agree. Sometimes a stranger understands a lot better because they may have gone through it themselves. Also, a stranger will give you an unbiased opinion because they don't know you or your spouse.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think it's much smarter to speak to one close friend or family member that you can trust rather than speaking to 80,000 + of your closest internet friends.

But you're not going to blindly follow any advice. You're going to read responses, weigh them, consider it, and go from there.

 

[jrmasm]

Most things concerning common sense and courtesy have no laws attached, it's just morality, something we learn if we're lucky enough to absorb it.

As for the guidelines, I would feel foolish to add something to a rule that I'd think would be common sense amongst adults. I'd THINK they'd know better.

After 13 years on this board... am I kidding???

I don't disagree that it's not nice to out someone that wishes to remain anonymous. However, can you disagree that sharing a private issue that you want to remain private on a public forum is pretty stupid?

 

[jrmasm]

But you're not going to blindly follow any advice. You're going to read responses, weigh them, consider it, and go from there.

Color me confused. What does this have to do with confidentiality?

 

[DEA]

However the spouse may feel that you shouldn't have been going ANYWHERE for input on that. Becuase they don't want you to talk to anyone about it.

The spouse may indeed feel that way, but, again, if the person felt the need to get help, that person is trying to protect the spouse's identity as best he or she could, yes?

I think it's much smarter to speak to one close friend or family member that you can trust rather than speaking to 80,000 + of your closest internet friends.

In a group of 80,000+, however, there is a greater chance that what you are going through has happened to at least one other person in that group, and they might have valuable life experience that they can share with you. The chances should be, although are not guaranteed to be, higher than the chances that the same thing may have happened to someone in, say, the 80 people in your family/close friends network. Or, as has been pointed out, you might not want your family to know that your spouse is going through something.

I had not expected this to turn into a referendum on going to Internet communities to get help. The fact is, people do it, and that suggests that they see some value in it, for whatever reason. If we start from that point, adding the point that they also see some value in doing so as anonymously as possible, I think that my plea for their privacy to be respected makes some sense. Maybe?

 

[ilovemk76]

What's the point of saying you know who they are?

To point out to them they said the same thing the day or two before on their regular name so nothing is being gained today by using a different ID. It was already out there in their usual name.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Color me confused. What does this have to do with confidentiality?

I assumed when you said you'd talk to someone you could trust, you meant trust their advice, not that they'd keep your secret.

 

[Liberty Belle]

To point out to them they said the same thing the day or two before on their regular name so nothing is being gained today by using a different ID. It was already out there in their usual name.

Then, why not do it through pm so as not to alert others?

 

[Robinrs]

I don't disagree that it's not nice to out someone that wishes to remain anonymous. However, can you disagree that sharing a private issue that you want to remain private on a public forum is pretty stupid?

Oh, I totally agree, I've been burnt more times than you can imagine on this board. I used to think I was amongst friends, it kind of sucks to find out that all people do with the information is to judge and ridicule you because they can't relate in their pitiful little tiny lives.

I'd rather tell my God or my mirror than the DIS.

 

[jrmasm]

I assumed when you said you'd talk to someone you could trust, you meant trust their advice, not that they'd keep your secret.

Well both I guess but mainly that the issue would not be shared with the world.

 

[ilovemk76]

The spouse may indeed feel that way, but, again, if the person felt the need to get help, that person is trying to protect the spouse's identity as best he or she could, yes?



In a group of 80,000+, however, there is a greater chance that what you are going through has happened to at least one other person in that group, and they might have valuable life experience that they can share with you. The chances should be, although are not guaranteed to be, higher than the chances that the same thing may have happened to someone in, say, the 80 people in your family/close friends network. Or, as has been pointed out, you might not want your family to know that your spouse is going through something.

I had not expected this to turn into a referendum on going to Internet communities to get help. The fact is, people do it, and that suggests that they see some value in it, for whatever reason. If we start from that point, adding the point that they also see some value in doing so as anonymously as possible, I think that my plea for their privacy to be respected makes some sense. Maybe?

The place to go to is professional who specializing in the problem and they are bound to confidentiality.

 

[DEA]

I don't disagree that it's not nice to out someone that wishes to remain anonymous. However, can you disagree that sharing a private issue that you want to remain private on a public forum is pretty stupid?

If you truly want something to remain private, of course, you can't really tell anyone, can you? However, what you say sounds to me a little like saying that paying with a credit card at a public restaurant is stupid because someone might steal the card and use it. Yes, it could happen, but you take steps to provide yourself security. People who are asking for help using a different username from their usual are doing just that.

And, of course, there are people who refuse to use credit cards for just the reason above. Those are the people who do not ask private questions in this community. That doesn't stop a lot of people for paying for their meals with credit cards.

 

[MissUndastood]

If you post the same details yesterday under your "official" name and then today under your "hiding" name how do you expect it to be annoymous?

If your marriage is in trouble go to a counselor or see the Dr. who prescribed the meds. Nobody here can really help you.

A better plea it too keep your private life.... private.... on the internet.

Just wondering if "outing" someone gives you pleasure? I have enough going on in my own life than to keep up with internet aliases and tattle on them.

 

[pad406]

I had not expected this to turn into a referendum on going to Internet communities to get help. The fact is, people do it, and that suggests that they see some value in it, for whatever reason. If we start from that point, adding the point that they also see some value in doing so as anonymously as possible, I think that my plea for their privacy to be respected makes some sense. Maybe?

Agree 100%. There's no harm in asking for advice, only in blindly following it. Sometimes others perspectives and experiences can help. I have seen so much advice on here that has nothing to do with Disney, when to start shaving daughter's legs, best way to keep a baby occupied on a plane, and countless others. If people are posting anonymously, it's probably a sensitive subject, to them at least, so why not be sensitive?

 

[FireDancer]

The spouse may indeed feel that way, but, again, if the person felt the need to get help, that person is trying to protect the spouse's identity as best he or she could, yes?

If you need help from a doctor go to a doctor. If you need help from a counselor go to a counselor. If you need help from a lawyer go to a lawyer.

I'm not saying that posting general or generic requests for advice for these things here is wrong but if you have something so private that you don't want it on the Internet don't put it on the Internet, even under a false persona.

The bottom line is you can't control what other people do with the information you put out there so if you aren't willing to accept that fact don't put it out there in the first place.

 

[babyrich]

The place to go to is professional who specializing in the problem and they are bound to confidentiality.

Than why not offer that as advice instead of outing them?

The poster could have felt they had nowhere to turn but to strangers.

 

[DEA]

The place to go to is professional who specializing in the problem and they are bound to confidentiality.

That is, certainly, one place to go. And it often gets recommended in threads in which people ask for help.

Some people do, however, find value in talking with people they "know", even people whose opinions they value on the boards here. People have also gone to Dear Abbey and Ann Landers and tried to cloak their identities. I do not see a lot of difference, except that there are tens of thousands of Abbeys on here and each one of them holds the power to put your name on the front page of the paper in relation to the problem you're discussing.

It would be nice, I think, if they did not do that.

 

[ilovemk76]

Then, why not do it through pm so as not to alert others?

For the same reason that you or anybody else did not feel the need to send a PM.

Why did others quote my post and then comment when a PM would have done the same? We all know the answer. To show their superiority but in reality they made one small line stand out to all.