A *mild* MIL vent

[MushyMushy]

Just venting a bit here so I can keep it inside at home.

My MIL has been after us to come visit, but with DH being a choir director, his Sundays are busy busy and we can't take the kids out of school any other time. We invite her here all the time but she won't come (she's not very old and has a teenage DD) for whatever reason. So it's nag nag nag to DH. He finally decides he'll get a Sunday free, so he asked her what weekend is good for her -- this one coming up is fine, great! She offers to come out here, which any other time would be fantastic, but we're tearing out carpet to get new carpet and getting rid of furniture to get new furniture, so it's just not that habitable for guests. So, we're going out there.

We have all day Saturday to spend with her and most of the day Sunday to spend with his dad (divorced). Now all of a sudden, she has to work until 2, but she wants us to go to the bowling alley for SIX HOURS to watch teenage SIL bowl. DH is mad now and can't believe he has to drive six hours to spend all morning and afternoon watching his teenage sister bowl. If the MIL can take off work and SIL can skip bowling for a visit out here, why can't they do the same when we visit?

It's not surprising to me, because that's the way it's always been. We go all the way out there, but MIL can't give up her bingo or computer chats or whatever, and we just end up sitting around watching her or waiting for her to get home. DH is always hurt by this and it just makes me mad because after 13 years, don't you think we'd be used to it by now? The kids don't even know her or like her. DH's dad isn't a whole lot better, but he does try harder. He has a job, plus he owns a movie theater, so if we want to spend time with him, we have to go to the theater. In his head, though, that's our inheritance and he's so proud that he's doing it all for us and wants to get us involved in it.

So anyway, there's my vent. I hate seeing DH hurt by stupid things like this, but we go through it every time we visit and he comes home all depressed for weeks. We haven't been out there for a real visit in a few years because of it, so I don't know why he's setting himself up for this for a short weekend trip.

If you made it this far, you get a cookie. Or a drink. Or how about some popcorn? I'd prefer the drink myself.

 

[mickeyboat]

My FIL is the same way when his daughters come to visit. I know he is busy with work and working out, but he could set aside some of his normal activities while they are here once or twice a year. It's no wonder they don't want to come any more.

When we go to visit my parents, they always take off work to spend time with us.

If I were you, I would either plan it for another weekend, or plan other activities during most of the bowling time. Can you visit FIL on Saturday and MIL on Sunday?

Denae

 

[MushyMushy]

My FIL is the same way when his daughters come to visit. I know he is busy with work and working out, but he could set aside some of his normal activities while they are here once or twice a year. It's no wonder they don't want to come any more.

When we go to visit my parents, they always take off work to spend time with us.

If I were you, I would either plan it for another weekend, or plan other activities during most of the bowling time. Can you visit FIL on Saturday and MIL on Sunday?

Denae

When I was growing up and had out of town guests, they were pretty much the center of attention. It was really hard to get used to the way they've treated us. We used to not be able to afford trips out there because we had to eat out -- that's just unfathomable to me! When we have guests, we make sure they're fed. I buy tons of food. It's not that we expect someone to slave over a hot stove, but maybe some sandwich meat and cereal would be nice.

I'm not sure why DH is insistent on the Saturday/Sunday schedule. I know his dad has the theater open for matinees on Saturday, so maybe that's why. The kids like going to the theater, though. FIL lets them go behind the counter and fill up drinks and popcorn, and they get to feel important by having the run of the place.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

If it makes you feel any better, you aren't the only one with family like this. Just visit every once in awhile and don't stress about it. We realized that worrying about it just makes it worse.

I have an aunt who is the same way. She doesn't live close by at all, about 5 hours away. My uncle (her brother) lives 10 minutes from my house. It would be easier for her to visit us, but she doesn't. (Yet, long story short, she made it pretty clear that my uncle, aunt, and their kids are not welcome at her house from something really stupid over 15 years ago.) So once in a blue moon we try and visit her. But whenever we have spent the time to drive to her house, she never cancels her activities. She'll go out to lunch with friends, doctors appointments, whatever. Why did she say that was a good weekend for us to visit when she was busy? God only knows. She gets up early in the morning and makes herself breakfast and leaves you to fend for yourself, and find the coffee maker that she has hidden. Her house is not one of those houses where you can make yourself at home. She wouldn't even be home when you arrived and would have you wait in the car until she comes home because the house is alarmed. As you can probably figure, we don't visit her much.

 

[mommasita]

Not sure what to say here. Hoping your weekend comes/goes as quickly as possible. That is what I would have wanted...

Bless my MIL's soul up there, she pulled plenty of these capers, and more. I do feel for you, i truly do..

 

[Beth76]

Oh I hear you! My MIL is the same way. We have to drive over 4 hours with the 2 small kids to get to her house, so it's not an easy task. One time we got there and she wasn't even home. We waited around for awhile and ended up going to get dinner. Three hours later she hadn't shown up so we packed the car back up. We were on our way out the door when she finally pulled in. She thought the whole thing was hilarious; that we were waiting around 3 hours for her.

She does other things like invite her friends over when we're here or make us go with her to visit friends. We cut our visits short now so there isn't enough time for all her crap.

 

[MushyMushy]

I guess I'm surprised that so many people behave that way! Beth, I can't believe that your MIL would think that was funny -- how funny was it to the kids? I'd be furious. It sounds like you were at least able to get into the house. My MIL would never give DH a key because he always used to lose them (well, it's true ) so we'd end up having to wait too, but never that long.

Well, I guess if he wants a relationship with his mother, that's the kind of crap he'll have to put up with. I gave up on the idea of the kids and I having any kind of relationship with her. I feel really sad for them.

 

[ndelaware]

It always amazes me how people allow themselves to walked all over. If anyone treated my family like this they would never get a chance to do it second time.

 

[MushyMushy]

I know what you mean, Steve. I feel the same way, but when it comes to mothers, it seems like a whole different ballgame.

 

[rigs32]

My BIL does the same thing. We were in town for the holidays and made plans to have dinner with him on Friday night after he got off work. We waited, and waited, and waited. (this was just before everyone had a cell phone) He finally come home 3 hours late. He'd gone to happy hour with co-workers because he felt bad saying no. Hello? They went every week and we were in town maybe once a year.

I admit I get a little annoyed when DH buys BIL decent bday gifts since DH is lucky if he gets so much as a phone call on his bday.

 

[Steffi]

It always amazes me how people allow themselves to walked all over. If anyone treated my family like this they would never get a chance to do it second time.

I wish more men felt this way...maybe mothers-in-law would be banned altogether.

Mushy, I feel for you. Are you guys really going to go watch the teenage SIL bowl for 6 hours?

 

[MushyMushy]

I wish more men felt this way...maybe mothers-in-law would be banned altogether.

Mushy, I feel for you. Are you guys really going to go watch the teenage SIL bowl for 6 hours?

Absolutely positively NO! DH is going to see if his brother will be around and maybe we'll meet up with him... although the last time we planned that, he blew us off.

I just hope that someone in his family will want to take time out of their busy lives to spend time with him. He gets crushed every single trip we take out there.

What's funny is, the one person who does want to see the kids is FIL's now ex-wife. But if we dare to spend time with her over SIL's bowling, MIL will never speak to us. Wait a minute. Now there's a thought!

 

[SleepyMom]

Truthfully, if I was you I would just make plans to keep yourself busy while you are there. Take the kids somewhere, or find someone else to go visit and don't be locked into her schedule... this is YOUR trip, do what you want. If you want to see SIL bowl, stop down for a game or two and then leave. I would never spend 6 hours watching anyone bowl, or make my kids do that.

I know your pain, my Mom has a history of being selfish, and won't even for a moment consider giving up her plans to be with others. Bingo has always been more important than her own grandchildren's birthday parties

Our last visit there was over President's Day a few weeks ago, we arrived late Thursday night. On Friday morning all the local and surrounding schools were closed because of a layer of ice and an afternoon blizzard on it's way. DMom claims she cannot miss a wedding that day (it's about 45 miles away, schools are all closed there too). I knew the real reason she couldn't miss was because it was in a gambling town, she goes there all the time and this was just another reason to go. So, she leaves at 9am to beat the blizzard for a 2pm wedding. Reception at 6, hangs around a few more hours and decides she can't make it home and gets a room to stay the night. She was gone 24 hours to attend a wedding of two people she barely knows while we were in town to visit her. Then she was in a huff for the remainder of the weekend because we had other stuff to do and weren't sitting around waiting for her between bingo games.

Go, take in the local sights and have a great weekend.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Is there any way you guys just cancel? I can just not see the worth in going all the way out there!!

sorry this has happened! It would drive me wild!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I feel your pain.
My ILs are in FL so we would plan a week long trip. They are both retired. MIL still went to bingo, FIL still sat on the couch. They live on a nice lake with a sandy beach right outside their door. I couldn't even get them off their butts to walk down to the beach with my DD (I was there, just wanted them to spend time with us). I couldn't get them to go for a walk with us (both very healthy at the time - retired mid-50s). Oh and you'd think with 17 grandchildren and a sandy beach, they would actually own a beach toy or two!! They were so miserable to us during that one trip my DH swore he would never stay there longer then 1 night. Did I mention we are now DVC owners?

Oh and as for the FIL with the movie theater, can he adopt me? I think it would be cool to have free run of the theater (and I'm far from being a kid).

 

[lovemygoofy]

I have a MIL who can't even come visit. We live about 8 hours away and she has never visited in the 5 years we've been here,actually none of his family has. She says she is afraid she will get lost or that she just can't drive that distance.I've offered to give her a plane ticket but no no she is afraid to fly, I'm sure that this would forever put us on the strip search list I offered her a bus ticket but no she just doesn't think she can handle being on a bus that long, no doub that Greyhoung is thanking heaven above.

When we do visit, she loves it but it stresses her because she has to change her schedule for us. Heck we stay in a hotel because Matt can't handle staying with his mom. If I didn't pratically make him go visit more than once a year when he is stateside he wouldn't.

I'm still learning to take his family in stride. They aren't big on visiting or calling or apparently sending goody boxes and birthday cards when he is away at war. I just try to let it roll over and show Matt that I still love him no matter what.

Someone suggested plan things during that time period and I think that is a great idea. Go see some sights or look up one of your husband's old friends or just go mall hopping. I hope you get through the weeeknd quickly and be glad it's just a weekend

 

[snowy76]

OP, my MIL sounds very similar to yours. Some people are just plain selfish and we can't change it. I guess I would say you should feel lucky that you only have to put up with her shenanigans once in a while - my MIL lives 5 minutes away and it's a daily issue!

 

[SamRoc]

I feel your pain.
My ILs are in FL so we would plan a week long trip. They are both retired. MIL still went to bingo, FIL still sat on the couch. They live on a nice lake with a sandy beach right outside their door. I couldn't even get them off their butts to walk down to the beach with my DD (I was there, just wanted them to spend time with us). I couldn't get them to go for a walk with us (both very healthy at the time - retired mid-50s). Oh and you'd think with 17 grandchildren and a sandy beach, they would actually own a beach toy or two!! They were so miserable to us during that one trip my DH swore he would never stay there longer then 1 night. Did I mention we are now DVC owners?

Oh and as for the FIL with the movie theater, can he adopt me? I think it would be cool to have free run of the theater (and I'm far from being a kid).

My inlaws are in florida too. We used to spend a week with them too. Now we stay in Orlando, but take a day trip to see them in Ft. Myers. My mother in law still didnt cancel her card game the day we went, knowing thats the only day she would see her son and grandchildren.

 

[MushyMushy]

OP, my MIL sounds very similar to yours. Some people are just plain selfish and we can't change it. I guess I would say you should feel lucky that you only have to put up with her shenanigans once in a while - my MIL lives 5 minutes away and it's a daily issue!

Poor you! That would drive me batty.

DH has decided that if he can't make plans with his brother or find something else, then we're just not going to go. Honestly, that's a relief for me, but at the same time I feel horrible for him. A guy should be able to see his mother without this kind of hassle.

 

[daisax]

The only way to handle people like that is to say straight out "Oh, too bad it won't work this weekend -- we'll save our visit for when we can all go out for lunch together" -- stay upbeat and cheerful, but firm.

Watching somebody bowl?