A Little Advice needed... UPDATE pg 6

[diznygirl]

I'm in the camp that it was done on purpose and it's SIL's passive-aggressive way of "sharing" Christmas with her husband's family.

There could have been more communication before-hand, but there wasn't. The next holiday planning should probably include some very defined dates.

 

[golfgal]

I guess based on this thread I am a rotton daughter...we NEVER spend Christmas with my family anymore. We used to split it up - one Christmas with DH's family and then the next with mine since my family lives 300 miles away. Then I had the kids. I believe that it's best to be in our home for the holiday - Santa visits, there's too much stuff to haul back and forth, and there's way too much chaos without also throwing in "sleeping in another bed not their own". So, my DH's family gets to spend every holiday with us since they live near us.

My family knows that we will try and get there shortly after Christmas, we'll stay for 5+ days and we'll celebrate with them at that time. I've gotten a few snide comments here and there, but it's been 7 years now and I guess they've gotten used to it.

I don't think it's right that they are going back on their word, but I don't think it should be all about THAT day...10+ days is a long time to spend and celebrating can be done while they're there.

We invited both sides of the family to come for Christmas once our kids got old enough to start making our own traditions at home. No one came so I stopped feeling the least bit guilty for not being there. DH's family celebrates the weekend before Christmas, my family said it was Christmas or nothing so we chose nothing.

The point of the OP's situation was this was the year to spend time in Florida for Christmas and if they were flying HOME, fine but they are flying to the other Grandparents, cutting the Florida Christmas short and THEN flying home. It has nothing to do with celebrating ON Christmas and everything to do with this was the Florida year yet they chose to cut that short and go to Wisconsin and then back home.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think what they did was cruel and selfish.

No idea how long they have been married but any partner who insists on monopolzing the holidays with their own family--has issues. Now--this is differnt if the other partner has issues with their own family. Which could be teh case here and we don't know. But on the surface, it is a blatant slap in the face to the MIL and her family.

Tough call.

We always though it fair to alternate holidays as best as we are able. It is getting more tough now. But we try.

I can't help but notice that the wife's family gets all the love and the OP's family is getting a minimal visit. Very very crappy of the brother and his wife if done on purpose with no explanation. And teh fact that wifey gets her Christmas cookies and gets to eat them too by going home. That just rubs me the wrong way.

 

[disykat]

I guess based on this thread I am a rotton daughter....

Not the same thing at all. I don't spend holidays with family either. We travel at other times. Your inlaws live close, so it makes sense that you would see them. No big deal. You haven't shown any favoritism, only common sense.

The issue here is that every year they TRAVEL to visit the inlaws, but never travel to visit his family. The one year they decided to travel to see his family, they are basically leaving prior to Christmas so that they can again visit her family for the actual holiday. (Although their plan has now been foiled and they'll actually have to see his mom for part of the day.)

It's not really about the day. It's hurt that every year they spend time/money to spend Christmas with the inlaws, but seem unwilling to visit them.

Obviously we don't know if there are other reasons they have no desire to spend time (Holiday or not) with his family, but it certainly appears they are trying to get the child there for an obligatory visit while limiting the time they have to spend with them.

 

[scottishduffy]

We invited both sides of the family to come for Christmas once our kids got old enough to start making our own traditions at home. No one came so I stopped feeling the least bit guilty for not being there. DH's family celebrates the weekend before Christmas, my family said it was Christmas or nothing so we chose nothing.

The point of the OP's situation was this was the year to spend time in Florida for Christmas and if they were flying HOME, fine but they are flying to the other Grandparents, cutting the Florida Christmas short and THEN flying home. It has nothing to do with celebrating ON Christmas and everything to do with this was the Florida year yet they chose to cut that short and go to Wisconsin and then back home.

Exactly, it wasn't so much about the day (we have had Christmas on different days many times before) but about the visit being cut short to go WI when it was supposed to be a FL year.

I honestly think it would be better if they would just stay in their home state for future christmasses. Stay in their own home, have their son wake up in his bed, and form their own traditions with an open invitation that whoever wants to come to them may do so. At least if they did this *most* years hurt feelings would be avoided. After all everybody understands a kid having christmas in their own home.

But the flying only to see one side is hurtful. When the travel is so blatantly skewed in one direction. We have flown to see DB and SIL 5-6 times, Yet this is the 2nd trip to FL and over the 10th to WI.

Oh well, I just need to get over it. It is what it is. I said my piece to him and now he has to decide what to do for future holidays.

 

[BelleWDW]

I honestly think it would be better if they would just stay in their home state for future christmasses. Stay in their own home, have their son wake up in his bed, and form their own traditions with an open invitation that whoever wants to come to them may do so. At least if they did this *most* years hurt feelings would be avoided. After all everybody understands a kid having christmas in their own home.

But the flying only to see one side is hurtful. When the travel is so blatantly skewed in one direction.

Yet this is the 2nd trip to FL and over the 10th to WI.
.

My sister has spent every Christmas visiting her In laws-never us.
They are closer geographically to them, more fun to be with, her kids were always bored here-when they visited in the summer-my Mom tends to be a stiff and proper and not fun person to be around-being honest here.

Honestly. noone else can "force: a person to visit one side of the family-not even you.

If your SIL wants to visit HER family-so what? There are so many MIL vents here-the tone of this thread is amusing-making your SIL a villian because she isn't spending a whole week with her MIL.

 

[agnes!]

I'm in the camp that it was done on purpose and it's SIL's passive-aggressive way of "sharing" Christmas with her husband's family.

There could have been more communication before-hand, but there wasn't. The next holiday planning should probably include some very defined dates.

At least then the one side of the family will know what to expect.

We invited both sides of the family to come for Christmas once our kids got old enough to start making our own traditions at home. No one came so I stopped feeling the least bit guilty for not being there. DH's family celebrates the weekend before Christmas, my family said it was Christmas or nothing so we chose nothing.

Funny how the highways and plane routes only go one way isn't it?

The point of the OP's situation was this was the year to spend time in Florida for Christmas and if they were flying HOME, fine but they are flying to the other Grandparents, cutting the Florida Christmas short and THEN flying home. It has nothing to do with celebrating ON Christmas and everything to do with this was the Florida year yet they chose to cut that short and go to Wisconsin and then back home.

The son & his wife HAD to have made their travel plans weeks ago, holiday travel tickets go fast, they *had* to have known weeks ago. I understand that maybe the DIL could not be fond of her in-laws, maybe she wants to spend Christmas with her side of the family, but it would have been SO much better IF the son & his wife had been honest and said what they were planning as soon as they started planning it. Seems to me they waited...and I have to wonder, when did the WI bunch know that they were getting visitors?

Exactly, it wasn't so much about the day (we have had Christmas on different days many times before) but about the visit being cut short to go WI when it was supposed to be a FL year.

I honestly think it would be better if they would just stay in their home state for future christmasses. Stay in their own home, have their son wake up in his bed, and form their own traditions with an open invitation that whoever wants to come to them may do so. At least if they did this *most* years hurt feelings would be avoided. After all everybody understands a kid having christmas in their own home.

But the flying only to see one side is hurtful. When the travel is so blatantly skewed in one direction. We have flown to see DB and SIL 5-6 times, Yet this is the 2nd trip to FL and over the 10th to WI.

Oh well, I just need to get over it. It is what it is. I said my piece to him and now he has to decide what to do for future holidays.

Yeah, like I said, highways and plane routes only go one way, dontcha' know.

My sister has spent every Christmas visiting her In laws-never us.
They are closer geographically to them, more fun to be with, her kids were always bored here-when they visited in the summer-my Mom tends to be a stiff and proper and not fun person to be around-being honest here.

Honestly. noone else can "force: a person to visit one side of the family-not even you.

If your SIL wants to visit HER family-so what? There are so many MIL vents here-the tone of this thread is amusing-making your SIL a villian because she isn't spending a whole week with her MIL.

Do you think that the DIL/SIL has been made to be a 'villain'? I don't quite agree, I think it's the inconsiderate-ness of the situation...it's the not telling people that the Christmas plans have changed. The DIL/SIL and her husband made plans and considering that they are traveling during the holidays does anyone think they *didn't* make these plans ages ago? They chose *not* to tell one side of the family what they were planning on doing....

I guess it could have been worse. They could have told MIL/DMom when they showed up with Junior for the 10 days of babysitting.

agnes!

 

[luvsJack]

Why are there so many excuses being made here for the db and sil?

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you say "we will be home for Christmas" and you don't say anything about specific dates, the party you are speaking to will assume you mean Christmas Day, if you say "the holidays" they will more than likely think you mean Christmas to New Years; not some random dates in December. If they were not going to spend those days, they should have made it clear what dates they would be there.

It makes no difference whether the wife gets along with his family, that is his family and the grandparents to her child. Unless they have done something abusive, suck it up and get over it. He should be able to spend time with his family.

I certainly hope that as their child get older they will not continue to get a flight on Christmas day.

 

[jeepgirl30]

OP, sorry your family is going through this. I almost sent a private message as I don't want slammed but decided to open it up anyway.

I am where your DB is in this. My DH's mom gets all the holidays unless she is working. I pray every year she has to work! I don't like going to her house, it is not more fun for me at all, her food all tastes the same and she is a cold person. However, DH is much easier to deal with when we are not with my family. DH is OCD. My mom will do things just to get a reaction. My mom is a bit much sometimes but i love her anyway of course. DH doesn't have the same feelings. The kids are young and happy with both sides. However my mom will guilt trip me, say nasty things about my DH, change plans 50 times and constantly complain about how little time i give her. It doesn't help.

DH's mom lives about 40 min away. My parents live 3 hrs away. They love watching the kids and will beg for them to stay a week, his mom will watch them for one night only.

We have been married for 11 years. We dated 5 prior. Almost every holiday is at his mom's. She refuses to come to my house. I tried the jointly hosted but she insists she host. She did come with us one year to my parents for Christmas, they went above and beyond IMO to make her feel welcome. She was really rude and made a comment about how she would "never make that mistake again, she has two OTHER children to think about". Not sure why that thought didn't come to her before but whatever.

Anyway I know how much my parents want us there. I know how much my sister wants us with her too, she lives 8 hrs away. But it is a huge stress on me to fight DH about it.

This year MIL is working thanksgiving so I was pumped! My sis invited us all to her house. I can't even remember that last time DH went there with me, it was only twice. He promised we could go this year. However he will say we can and then he will put constraints like we will leave Thur morning and come home sunday then when we are there he'll nag at me to leave early. He started complaining and i said i was going without him! He didn't think I meant it. I did.

My parents and sister have been soooo excited "we are ALL together". Finally i told them DH will not be joining. Immediately my mom started on me about how unfair and how little time my family gets, etc. You know what? I am completely aware of all this and it does hurt me know i am hurting them. However, can't they be happy they get me and the kids??? My sister was wonderful and has said nothing about DH not coming. My dad offered to pick us up so we don't have to drive. I'm so grateful to him.

DH thought I would change my mind and not go. Once I told him my dad was driving everyone he changed and said he would go but we had to come home saturday. I said NO WAY. I'm sticking to it this time. I'm sick of thanksgiving with total disappointment! I want MY family.

Last year BIL and SIL couldn't make thanksgiving so when we got there MIL said "oh since its just us i didn't bother to make the thanksgiving meal" we had stuffed cabbage rolls. She looked right at me and said "i know you hate that but DS loves it so i made it anyway". I am NOT allowed to ever bring food to "her" meals.

Anyway, to the OP if you are still reading! Hang in there, DB may be going through a lot of grief to even get this time with your mom. One day he'll get sick of it, hopefully not too late. Do tell him how you feel once but then try and side with him to work out other opportunities. Let him know you just want to see him, not make things even more uncomfortable for him. Your mom sounds wonderful and I hope she enjoys her time she gets even though it is limited.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Last year BIL and SIL couldn't make thanksgiving so when we got there MIL said "oh since its just us i didn't bother to make the thanksgiving meal" we had stuffed cabbage rolls. She looked right at me and said "i know you hate that but DS loves it so i made it anyway". I am NOT allowed to ever bring food to "her" meals.

Not allowed? Wow. I would have zero tolerance for that "rule". I couldn't do it. You are a saint.

 

[trip]

But we will all make the best of the few days we have with DB and SIL. Mom will change her big dinner to Christmas Eve and Gramma will come by earlier as well. No family photo, but what can we do? Mom will have the photographer come early to take a photo of the people there as we want to get a nice photo of my grandmother with her 1st great-grandchild.

Have the photographer arrange everyone so he can take your picture later and photoshop you.