OP, sorry your family is going through this. I almost sent a private message as I don't want slammed but decided to open it up anyway.
I am where your DB is in this. My DH's mom gets all the holidays unless she is working. I pray every year she has to work! I don't like going to her house, it is not more fun for me at all, her food all tastes the same and she is a cold person. However, DH is much easier to deal with when we are not with my family. DH is OCD. My mom will do things just to get a reaction. My mom is a bit much sometimes but i love her anyway of course. DH doesn't have the same feelings. The kids are young and happy with both sides. However my mom will guilt trip me, say nasty things about my DH, change plans 50 times and constantly complain about how little time i give her. It doesn't help.
DH's mom lives about 40 min away. My parents live 3 hrs away. They love watching the kids and will beg for them to stay a week, his mom will watch them for one night only.
We have been married for 11 years. We dated 5 prior. Almost every holiday is at his mom's. She refuses to come to my house. I tried the jointly hosted but she insists she host. She did come with us one year to my parents for Christmas, they went above and beyond IMO to make her feel welcome. She was really rude and made a comment about how she would "never make that mistake again, she has two OTHER children to think about". Not sure why that thought didn't come to her before but whatever.
Anyway I know how much my parents want us there. I know how much my sister wants us with her too, she lives 8 hrs away. But it is a huge stress on me to fight DH about it.
This year MIL is working thanksgiving so I was pumped! My sis invited us all to her house. I can't even remember that last time DH went there with me, it was only twice. He promised we could go this year. However he will say we can and then he will put constraints like we will leave Thur morning and come home sunday then when we are there he'll nag at me to leave early. He started complaining and i said i was going without him! He didn't think I meant it. I did.
My parents and sister have been soooo excited "we are ALL together". Finally i told them DH will not be joining. Immediately my mom started on me about how unfair and how little time my family gets, etc. You know what? I am completely aware of all this and it does hurt me know i am hurting them. However, can't they be happy they get me and the kids??? My sister was wonderful and has said nothing about DH not coming. My dad offered to pick us up so we don't have to drive. I'm so grateful to him.
DH thought I would change my mind and not go. Once I told him my dad was driving everyone he changed and said he would go but we had to come home saturday. I said NO WAY. I'm sticking to it this time. I'm sick of thanksgiving with total disappointment! I want MY family.
Last year BIL and SIL couldn't make thanksgiving so when we got there MIL said "oh since its just us i didn't bother to make the thanksgiving meal" we had stuffed cabbage rolls. She looked right at me and said "i know you hate that but DS loves it so i made it anyway". I am NOT allowed to ever bring food to "her" meals.
Anyway, to the OP if you are still reading! Hang in there, DB may be going through a lot of grief to even get this time with your mom. One day he'll get sick of it, hopefully not too late. Do tell him how you feel once but then try and side with him to work out other opportunities. Let him know you just want to see him, not make things even more uncomfortable for him. Your mom sounds wonderful and I hope she enjoys her time she gets even though it is limited.