A Little Advice needed... UPDATE pg 6

[Kitzka]

After he turned 5 we just put our foot down. It just wasn't fair to DS. We invited them all to come to our house. Huh! Apparently I-65 only runs SOUTH! None of them have EVER darkened our doors on a holiday. Their loss. We formed our own traditions which we enjoy very much and we see the grandparents and other inlaws at another time during the year.

Good luck. I hope this can be worked out such that everyone can feel like they're "winning."

DD 11 was the first grand kid on either side. from day 1 i choose to not travel for Christmas. We have lived 1/2 way between my parents and DH parents. We always prefer going to my parents house in general to viist but realized that Christmas was one that would cause an issue. SO we stay home. anyone can come to me but we do not travel.

SIL had her own child about 4 years ago. By that time my daughter was 7 and as SIL lives an hour from our house we agreed that we would go to SIL house for Christmas eve. she always hosts dinner. MIL and FIL join us there and they spend the night at DIL's house. They are all welcome to come to my house on Christmas day but usually no one does.

Thaksgiving is usually spent at my parents house but some years we may not go as DH doesn't always get the Friday off.

Lara

 

[Embel]

I'm going to guess that your brother and his wife might not be spending Christmas in the first way they would choose, either. It sounds like they'd have to get up around 4AM in someone else's house, maybe somehow see if Santa came, then head to the airport. They might already feel that they are being pushed & pulled and that they are compromising all over the place. Just a thought.

Anyway, if you are going to contact them do you have a resolution in mind? Are you hoping that they will change their Christmas day flight to a later one? Are there any others that you would consider- for example, if they cut their hike short by a day or two could you come & celebrate Christmas with them at that time?

If you think that there is a solution that would be feasible for everyone, by all means give them a call & try to work it out.

Best wishes for a happy & peaceful holiday!

 

[ahutton]

I agree with the advice that it would be best to let DB know the family had anticipated the Christmas visit would extend long enough for everyone to celebrate together.

I would be cautious because DB may be stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nobody wants to have to pick between do you upset Mom or your wife. Perhaps wife influenced the plans, perhaps the communication was incomplete and they didn't realize the big celebration was to be on the 26th. Maybe his wife's family is pushing for them to still spend Christmas with them. Lots of factors that could make DB uncomfortable.

Maybe it can be approached as next time, lets plan ahead better so we can all spend a day together, whatever the date, and have "our" family Christmas.

 

[disykat]

I think you are being treated unfairly, but I can't think of any way you can voice that without upsetting them. Yes, I DO think you risk alienating them. They have clearly traveled often to visit her family while never visiting yours. There is an issue there. Obviously it wouldn't take much to have them stop visiting, because they haven't been doing it anyway. Be very careful!

If you do talk to them, I'd focus on solutions. Maybe say you were so excited they will be visiting and that you felt there was a misunderstanding this year about them spending Christmas with you. Instead of focusing on your hurt, ask if there was a reason they decided to leave at that time. Let them know it wasn't your intention to force them to visit you, and ask if you've done something that makes them unwilling to spend the holiday with you. Rather than the hurt, focus on confusion about the situation and how you can "fix" it for the future.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I think I would talk to him. Regardless if the flight was cheaper on Christmas day or if they are being pulled in two directions or whatever, that's all irrelevant. Your real issue is the lack of open and honest communications. If he'd called your mom before buying his tickets and explained a cheaper flight and asked to plan to celebrate Christmas eve, or if he'd contacted you and your mom to see if him leaving early Christmas morning would work with your plans as well, you wouldn't have a problem. At least you'd have had a chance to work together with him on finding a good solution, and you could have voiced your hurt when there was still a chance to change plans.

Its very likely that your brother IS being pulled in two directions, it sounds like his wife is danged and determined to spend the holidays with her family no matter what (you said they're going to her family on Christmas day, right?). That's ok, and its up to you guys to work with him to make it as a low stress as possible-- but he has to be up front in his communication with you beforehand, not present you with an unaccecptable and hurtful fait accompli.

 

[hucifer]

I'm going to guess that your brother and his wife might not be spending Christmas in the first way they would choose, either. It sounds like they'd have to get up around 4AM in someone else's house, maybe somehow see if Santa came, then head to the airport. They might already feel that they are being pushed & pulled and that they are compromising all over the place. Just a thought.

I was thinking the same thing.

Okay, I'll be the voice of dissention. Your brother and sister-in-law have no control over your family's emotional state. I did see somewhat of an effort to split the holiday. While they aren't spending THE day at your mom's house, they are spending a few days with her when they get back from their trip, right? So instead of spending zero time with her like the previous year, they are spending a few days with her.

I can understand the hurt feelings, but they are not responsible for them. If you wish to express yourself to your brother, he may increase the distance because he wants to avoid all the guilt that seems to come with the holidays. It's too bad you will miss your nephew, but perhaps they are willing to fly out during the summer? Maybe suggest a summer reunion?

Family expectations can harbor way too many disappointments. This is tough for all members of the family.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I was thinking the same thing.

Okay, I'll be the voice of dissention. Your brother and sister-in-law have no control over your family's emotional state. I did see somewhat of an effort to split the holiday. While they aren't spending THE day at your mom's house, they are spending a few days with her when they get back from their trip, right? So instead of spending zero time with her like the previous year, they are spending a few days with her.

I can understand the hurt feelings, but they are not responsible for them. If you wish to express yourself to your brother, he may increase the distance because he wants to avoid all the guilt that seems to come with the holidays. It's too bad you will miss your nephew, but perhaps they are willing to fly out during the summer? Maybe suggest a summer reunion?

Family expectations can harbor way too many disappointments. This is tough for all members of the family.

Yeah, I think that's crap. When you make your plans without consulting your family and in such a way that the family can't even all be together for a holiday celebration, then yeah, you are responsible for the hurt feelings and so-called avoidence of guilt is manipulation.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I do like the idea of phoning your brother, but not sure that I agree with telling him how hurt everyone is. That will just cause more stress. However, you might tell him that since he said that they would be spending the holidays with you everyone was under the impression that his family would be there for the picture. Did he know that it was scheduled on the 26th, or did your mom assume (understandably so) that he would be there, and schedule the picture without letting him know?

I would also (despite hurt feelings) make their visit as pleasant as possible so that they will look forward to visiting your parents in the future instead of dreading the visits. (kind of based on what I've read in other posts about spending time with in-laws).

 

[manning]

Call brother and tell him he broke mothers heart and has the nerve to dump the kid on grandma while they do there thing.

Do it in a diplomatic way like.

"you hurt mon idiot and have the nerve to dump the kid on mom while you have your fun. Quit thinking about yourself for once."

I didn't say I was a nice guy just direct and honest!!!

 

[EMom]

I'll bet cash money that next year when it's the wife's turn to spend Christmas with HER parents, they don't catch a 7:00 a.m. Christmas morning flight to your mom's house in Florida. Hide and watch.

In fact, why don't you run that one by your brother and see how it flies? Fair is fair.....

To cut to the chase, your SIL wants to spend Christmas with HER family and she's staying until the early morning hours of Dec. 25 so she meet the "letter of the law" and will be able to say, "We DID spend Christmas with your family dear, just like we promised!" Technically, they did. But anyone with two working brain cells would know this was NOT what was understood. Your parents (rightly) expected the same sort of visit her parents have gotten year after year after year, and they have instead been diddled over. Either your brother's going along with it to keep the peace with his wife or he's clueless as all get out. I'd enlighten him, but I'm like that.

And I wouldn't pussyfoot. I'd say, "Of course, Mom and Dad were expecting you to stay for longer than sunrise on Christmas morning. Have you EVER left your IL's house at that hour on Christmas Day? No. It seems like your family is flying out as early as you can so you can make it to WI in time to spend Christmas Day with your in-laws yet again and no duh, that has Mom in tears. There is no way in *&%^ you'd leave WI at 7:00 a.m. on Christmas Day to get to FL and we both know it. Mom and Dad have dreamed of this visit for an entire year and they have been shortchanged, no two ways about it. Is this the way it's going to be every other year? Mom and Dad get a few days and then you rush off to spend Christmas in WI? Because that really isn't spending every other Christmas with them. If you're not going to spend the holidays with them, just be honest and don't get their hopes up again. This has hurt them too much."

 

[scrapquitler]

I understand that your feelings are hurt, but how about having DB and SIL celebrate Christmas with your family sometime between the 21

 

[scrapquitler]

I understand that your feelings are hurt, but how about having DB and SIL celebrate Christmas with your family sometime between the 21st and 24th? Sure it's not exactly the same, but many times in my family we've moved holidays by a few days to accomodate work or travel schedules. At least they are making an effort to at least come and visit...sure, it's not the holiday visit you had been anticipating, but a short visit a few days before the holiday is something worth celebrating, and better than no visit at all.

Instead of seeing the negate

 

[jwhtewolfd]

I'll bet cash money that next year when it's the wife's turn to spend Christmas with HER parents, they don't catch a 7:00 a.m. Christmas morning flight to your mom's house in Florida. Hide and watch.

In fact, why don't you run that one by your brother and see how it flies? Fair is fair.....

To cut to the chase, your SIL wants to spend Christmas with HER family and she's staying until the early morning hours of Dec. 25 so she meet the "letter of the law" and will be able to say, "We DID spend Christmas with your family dear, just like we promised!" Technically, they did. But anyone with two working brain cells would know this was NOT what was understood. Your parents (rightly) expected the same sort of visit her parents have gotten year after year after year, and they have instead been diddled over. Either your brother's going along with it to keep the peace with his wife or he's clueless as all get out. I'd enlighten him, but I'm like that.

And I wouldn't pussyfoot. I'd say, "Of course, Mom and Dad were expecting you to stay for longer than sunrise on Christmas morning. Have you EVER left your IL's house at that hour on Christmas Day? No. It seems like your family is flying out as early as you can so you can make it to WI in time to spend Christmas Day with your in-laws yet again and no duh, that has Mom in tears. There is no way in *&%^ you'd leave WI at 7:00 a.m. on Christmas Day to get to FL and we both know it. Mom and Dad have dreamed of this visit for an entire year and they have been shortchanged, no two ways about it. Is this the way it's going to be every other year? Mom and Dad get a few days and then you rush off to spend Christmas in WI? Because that really isn't spending every other Christmas with them. If you're not going to spend the holidays with them, just be honest and don't get their hopes up again. This has hurt them too much."

QFE

I agree 100% with this. I also vote to call him, the sooner the better, and let him know what is going on. Maybe they decided to do this knowing they were being jerks. In that case, I don't see any reason why you can't speak candidly to your own brother. On the other hand, as a sister, I can attest that sometimes brothers are just clueless and need a verbal smack upside the head before they "get it."

 

[ProgressCity]

BACKGROUND: DBrother and SIL have been together for 6 yrs now. Ever since they stated dating they would fly to Wisconsin to see her family for Christmas and New Years. No big deal. After DNephew was born my mom asked if Holidays could now be split (one year WI and one year FL) so that they could have time to see DN for the holidays. DB and SIL agreed. DN's first christmas and new years was spent in WI and this year DB was supposedly flying down to FL.

Based off of what you've said it is clear that your DB and SIL have been deceitful. If they agreed to alternate holidays they should honor that or explain why they aren't honoring it. They know they are not doing what they said they would. If they're going to SILs for Christmas day through New Years that is not alternating and they are both adults and know what alternating means. Plus, no one would think that coming in mid-December and leaving at 7:00 am on Christmas day is spending Christmas and New Years with the family. (How does that encapsulate New Years? )

Sounds to me like they have purposefully deceived your family and it looks like they're trying to play you for fools, trying to placate you why they go off and do what they really want at SIL's. They are adults and they can do whatever they want, but there is no excuse for them to behave so deceitfully. They know this is not what they agreed to.

You are letting them take advantage of you and your mom and you should really stand up to them about it or they are going to keep doing it.

 

[ProgressCity]

I'll bet cash money that next year when it's the wife's turn to spend Christmas with HER parents, they don't catch a 7:00 a.m. Christmas morning flight to your mom's house in Florida. Hide and watch.

In fact, why don't you run that one by your brother and see how it flies? Fair is fair.....

To cut to the chase, your SIL wants to spend Christmas with HER family and she's staying until the early morning hours of Dec. 25 so she meet the "letter of the law" and will be able to say, "We DID spend Christmas with your family dear, just like we promised!" Technically, they did. But anyone with two working brain cells would know this was NOT what was understood. Your parents (rightly) expected the same sort of visit her parents have gotten year after year after year, and they have instead been diddled over. Either your brother's going along with it to keep the peace with his wife or he's clueless as all get out. I'd enlighten him, but I'm like that.

And I wouldn't pussyfoot. I'd say, "Of course, Mom and Dad were expecting you to stay for longer than sunrise on Christmas morning. Have you EVER left your IL's house at that hour on Christmas Day? No. It seems like your family is flying out as early as you can so you can make it to WI in time to spend Christmas Day with your in-laws yet again and no duh, that has Mom in tears. There is no way in *&%^ you'd leave WI at 7:00 a.m. on Christmas Day to get to FL and we both know it. Mom and Dad have dreamed of this visit for an entire year and they have been shortchanged, no two ways about it. Is this the way it's going to be every other year? Mom and Dad get a few days and then you rush off to spend Christmas in WI? Because that really isn't spending every other Christmas with them. If you're not going to spend the holidays with them, just be honest and don't get their hopes up again. This has hurt them too much."

AMEN!

 

[Christine]

We all know what this is about.

SIL wants to spend the "real" part of the holidays with her own family. I'm sure your DB made some attempt to change that. It didn't go over well, and this is what you've got.

I'm sure your DB is ACUTELY aware of the situaton and how messed up it is.

You now know who wears the pants in the that family. You will probably never see your DB on those holidays unless you lay on some heavy guilt and coercion and, trust me, this will not be a happy holiday if they even actually capitulate. Your brother either doesn't really want to come so he doesn't push it too much or he does but has no cajones with his wife.

In either case, you all will not see the better side of this. I would let your brother know how hurt your mom is and then leave it alone...forever.

 

[MerMom60_94]

I think you are being treated unfairly, but I can't think of any way you can voice that without upsetting them. Yes, I DO think you risk alienating them. They have clearly traveled often to visit her family while never visiting yours. There is an issue there. Obviously it wouldn't take much to have them stop visiting, because they haven't been doing it anyway. Be very careful!

If you do talk to them, I'd focus on solutions. Maybe say you were so excited they will be visiting and that you felt there was a misunderstanding this year about them spending Christmas with you. Instead of focusing on your hurt, ask if there was a reason they decided to leave at that time. Let them know it wasn't your intention to force them to visit you, and ask if you've done something that makes them unwilling to spend the holiday with you. Rather than the hurt, focus on confusion about the situation and how you can "fix" it for the future.

I agree with the part I have bolded in particular. I think your best approach is to ask some questions and do a lot of listening. Your brother may, in fact, be stuck in the middle between his wife and mother as somebody else mentioned in a previous post. Disykat's approach seems positive and upbeat without hiding your feelings and it also allows your brother to provide his reasoning without being put on the defensive. Just say you were disappointed and ask why plans changed and go from there. Down the road, when your nephew is old enough to understand Christmas, he isn't going to want to spend it flying on a plane Christmas morning.

 

[Lynn CC]

I think that you shouldn't say anything. It will most likely cause problems between your brother and his wife. It seems like she makes the plans and he goes along with them. Your brother knows deep down what is going on but wants to make his wife happy.

I am always grateful for the time I get to spend with my son who I don't get to see often at all, he lives in Japan and we live here on the Cape.
Maybe if you all look at it that way it will make a difference. Try to plan something so you can get together while they are visiting.

If they wanted to see you they could make the trip up your way with their baby after their vacation. I know that would take time away from your mother unless she went along with them, but you would get to see them. Maybe I would suggest that and see what happens...if not maybe you and your brother should set up Skype on your computers, it's almost like being in the same room except you can't hug! That's what gets me through not being able to see my son! This way you could see your nephew too, just a thought.
Hope you get to see your nephew in person and your brother! I'm feeling really down not being able to see my son over X-Mas but I try not to let him see, I want him to be happy!

 

[golfgal]

I think your SIL needs to grow the heck up and realize that life doesn't revolve around her. It isn't that they are coming before Christmas and yes, they can EASILY celebrate Christmas on any day, it is the fact that they are leaving to go to her parents for Christmas when they had promised the MIL they would be there this year.

I would most defiantly CALL your brother and make sure he understands just how hurt your mom is. I am sure he knows this isn't what your mom wanted but I think a call from you would help. No, I wouldn't be "nice" about it, I would lay it flat on the table and tell him that HE is compromising the relationship with your mom, not the other way around.

Does your brother and family visit your mom other times of the year?

 

[BelleWDW]

Just a thought: Have you considered that they may be flying out on Christmas morning, because it is much, much cheaper?

!

Exactly! For the last few years we fly a relative home during the holidays and the flights are absolutely unreal if you fly one or 2 days before or after Xmas

Sorry, but I dont see the big deal here. Your relatives are spending a few days with your parents.

OP it is YOUR schedule that you feel they should abide by-the fact that YOU want this get-together the day after XMas because that is the day YOU are free.

I dont think you should communicate your displeasure-they planned their trip knowing you were not free.

My sis has lived out of state for 20 plus years and I remember seeing her at Xmas only once-and it was the week before. That is what happens when there is a distance involved-too many families you want to visit-and then kids really want to be HOME on Christmas morning when they belive in Santa. So as your little nephew (not sure what DN is) grows, this will happen more frequently.