A Dr. Laura Caller, Upset with fiance over his dog. WWYD?

[Bluestars]

I think we need to take into consideration how difficult it is to find that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. It might be a mistake to cast off Miss Right for a pet.

Before I'm accused of being an animal hater, I'm not. I've always had pets that I love. But animals and people are not the same. They do not enjoy the same hierarchy in my life. People will always come before animals with me.

I love animals too and I have a son who is highly allergic. We had to find a home for our cat. It was very sad for our entire family, but he had to be able to live in a house without being constantly medicated in order to breathe.

Having said that, I think a person should say upfront what they are willing to live with. For me, I did not want to marry a person who hunted or smoked, so I discussed this during the first couple of dates.

If I was highly allergic to animals, I would let my dates know that right up front. That way they would know right then that having a relationship with me would me someday giving up their pet. That is the kind thing to do.

To me, having a pet is right up there with smoking, having children, debt, and all of the other important things that should be discussed before even thinking about marrying someone.

 

[JessicaR]

If I were dating somebody, I would be sure to know whether they were allergic to dogs or cats. As far as I am concerned, when he got the dog, he made a commitment to that animal to take care of it. I don't think that getting rid of it is an option.

If a person has allergies so severe that they can never live in a house with pets, that person should make it clear when she starts dating someone with pets. As long as the pet owner knows from the beginning that he will have to give up his pet in order to have a relationship with the other person, then I see nothing wrong with it.

But if the person with the allergies acts like being around the pet is no big deal and then right before marriage tells the pet owner that it will be her or the pet, then I think the guy should choose the pet.

It sounds like this guy didn't know from the beginning that he would be asked to give up his dog. If he already knew, then there would be no choice to make here.

not everyone who thinks the woman is a control freak doesn't have allergies or asthma. i am allergic to peanuts, perfumes, household cleaners, cats, some dog breeds, cigarette smoke and on and on and on... i spent over six years getting allergy shots and i still have asthma & allergy attacks due to my allergies.

i would never get involved with someone who smoked or had cats. i know my limits. it seems to me that either, she must not spend much time with him or the dog if she didn't realize she was allergic or she isn't an animal person and is using it as an excuse to get rid of the dog. now, i agree, sometimes allergies pop up after being exposed, but i wonder if she has tried anything at all.

I agree with all these posters. If her allergy is so severe that the dog must go she knew this before getting engaged.

Those that are comparing this to a child born into the house with allergies have no basis of comparison. The situations are not the same.

My son has severe cat allergies as well as other animals but cats are severe. He is 16 and already knows by trial and error that he cant visit a house or pet store that has a cat. It isn't a compromise or an issue of taking medication, he just can't. How does a person with such a severe allergy ) I consider it severe if she cant live with the dog) get involved with, date and eventually get engaged to a man with a dog that she is allergic to. This makes no sense.

It sounds to me like she is wondering where she fits and is pulling a power play, me or the dog. Of course the whole story would be best before making judgments. I looked on Dr Laura's site and the story will likely be posted since her other shows subjects are.

 

[VillageMama]

Thats called a scarcity mentality. Never make decisions based on scarcity & fear.

No, it's called practicality and prudence. This man has already decided to marry this woman. To throw that unique relationship away for an animal is folly.

She can hardly be Miss Right if she's allergic to his dog.

Hee! Maybe so. But there is a whole lot more to considering if a person is right for you for a lifetime than her allergies. Maybe she truly understands this man's idiosyncracies... his sense of humor... maybe they share deeply held philosophical or religious beliefs. Maybe they enjoy the same activities and have the same goals for their future, in terms of career and family life.

I wouldn't be so quick to discount all that because of an incompatibility with a dog.

 

[disney1990]

I think we need to take into consideration how difficult it is to find that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. It might be a mistake to cast off Miss Right for a pet.

Before I'm accused of being an animal hater, I'm not. I've always had pets that I love. But animals and people are not the same. They do not enjoy the same hierarchy in my life. People will always come before animals with me.



Wow. That is a sentiment that I can not relate to at all. Cats over children.

Maybe, under the circumstances, she isn't Miss Right. If we are going to throw it all out there, what if he gets rid of the dog, they get married and divorce a year later. Now where is he, no wife and no dog.

She knew he had a dog when they started dating. She knew she was allergic to the dog. If I were that allergic to animals, I certainly would not be dating somebody that loved animals.

 

[Bluestars]

IMO, if she truly loved him, she wouldn't ask him to get rid of his dog. She would wait it out.

 

[VillageMama]

IMO, if she truly loved him, she wouldn't ask him to get rid of his dog. She would wait it out.

Meanwhile her biological clock is ticking down. We don't know the ages of this couple... but if she is in her late 30s, waiting to get married until the dog dies might mean no children.

But I totally agree with you (and others) that this should have been dealt with early in the dating stage. We clearly don't have all of the information here. Was one of them downplaying the situation, hoping it would magically resolve on its own?

Did the allergies increase the more time the woman spent with the dog? I have no idea. It would be interesting to know more details.

And I'm very sorry for your loss, Bluestars. That must have been very painful to have to give up your cats.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Love me, love my dog. This shouldn't be an issue, after one date if a man couldn't stand to be around my dog, there wouldn't have been a second date.

 

[disykat]

I still don't get why this is all HER fault. He chose to date someone who was allergic to his dog the same way she chose to date someone with a dog. IMO that actually makes HIM more at fault because he was the one with a commitment to an animal.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It falls on her because she's the one with the problem and he's the one who is being asked to sacrifice. The relationship seems doomed, they might as well move along.

 

[JessicaR]

I still don't get why this is all HER fault. He chose to date someone who was allergic to his dog the same way she chose to date someone with a dog. IMO that actually makes HIM more at fault because he was the one with a commitment to an animal.

I dont see it that way. I think she is personally responsible for herself. She is allergic she needs to know how allergic and what her tolerance is. How could he make that judgement call? Maybe she didnt tell him she was allergic.

 

[sunnyday123]

Not necessarily...maybe he believed the dog was suffering and that putting her down was the most humane thing to do. Who knows?

Nope, she wasn't suffering, she was old. He was annoyed when I said I couldn't or didn't want to go to Vegas for the weekend because I didn't want to kennel her. Or that I couldn't stay out all night because at some point she had to be let out. This was a man in his 40's, mind you. He wasn't the star in my night, and it bothered him.

Sunnyday123 knows. To me, it sounds like she got a vibe about her ex. Look at her siggie. She's got 4 pets now. If this is the same DISer I'm thinking of, she's had cat troubles in the past year where one or two cats ended up at the vet (at a great financial burden.) This is not a poster who lets her animals suffer.

That wasn't me-at least I think it wasn't, I have a hard time remembering who goes to the vet for what anymore! However, my last dog ( old one above ) cost me well over $10k in medical bills, supplements, etc. Pets are a responsibility, and one I don't take lightly. Like I said, I choose not to date or become interested in anyone who doesn't like them. They were always there for me when no one else was, and I owe them thte decency of taking care of them.

Oh, and I wasn't the only one who got a "vibe" about my ex. My male cat would hide when he came over, and then race out, bite him on the ankle, and hide again.

 

[Scurvy]

I still don't get why this is all HER fault. He chose to date someone who was allergic to his dog the same way she chose to date someone with a dog. IMO that actually makes HIM more at fault because he was the one with a commitment to an animal.

When they started dating, he had the dog. I don't know if he knew about her allergies then or not but I imagine she knew about his dog early on. They dated long enough to decide to get engaged, which means their relationship was good even though he had the dog. She is the one who has now decided he should get rid of the dog. We have no indication that he ever did anything to give her the impression that he would be willing to rehome his dog at any point. Possibly he didn't realize how serious her allergies were, or perhaps her allergies have worsened over time. Maybe he did know that she would not be able to live with the dog. If so, and if he told her that he would get rid of the dog if they decided to live together and he's now going back on that, then absolutely he is in the wrong. But it could be that he's perfectly happy with the relationship as it is until the dog passes away. Maybe he is willing to forego getting another dog so that he can marry this woman, but he isn't willing to get rid of the dog he already has. If that's the case, then the woman needs to decide if she can live with that. If she can't, then she should move on. They might just be too different to stay together, and there's nothing wrong with that. In the end it's possible that neither one is completely right or wrong - they might just be incompatible.

(Though my gut reaction is to think that she is unreasonable and controlling, simply because I can't imagine asking somebody they love to give up a beloved elderly pet. It's just so incomprehensible to me that it immediately makes me think the worst of her. I actually know a guy who was engaged to a girl who suddenly "developed allergies" to his pet and demanded that he rehome it. She was a horribly selfish person, so perhaps that colors my view of this woman.)

 

[Mermaid02]

I will have to disagree with the majority. I can tell that you guys have never had allergies so bad that you stayed sick the majority of the time. When I met my DH he had 3 cats. I did have some issues with allergies, but not all the time and not severe. I had no idea I was allergic to cats or dogs. Well, I feel in love with his cats as well as him.

We were married and on our first anniversary his favorite cat, Tiger, died. Throughout that year my allergies grew worse and worse and I was sick constantly. I also started developing red welps on my body and itching alot. I also developed mild asthma for the first time in my life. I went on a daily allergy medication that helped tremendously.

About another year past and I became pregnant. At this point my allergies and asthma got much worse. I was wheezing constantly. I was put on bed rest for other reasons and so I was home with the 2 cats constantly. I still loved them, but at this point I was so sick of being sick and I knew why. I wanted them gone as much as I loved them. One time I remember my DH saying "they were here first" refering to his cats. At this point, in my mind, my DH was choosing his pets over me, his wife and mother of his child. I must say I'm still not happy with that comment.

After my child was born I tried shots, 2 separate times, and that didn't work. I would react with the smallest doeses and break out in hives. I also found out I am that allergic to dogs too. I am actually more allergic to dust. I can not clean or I am sick for a day.

While you all can say what you will about this woman, actually allergies can be deadly because they suppress your immune system. Until you experiece this you will not understand and after reading some responses, you wouldn't care anyway.

Asthma and allergies here- respiratory symptoms- eye symptoms- hives I have the WHOLE package. I also have a 12 year old weimaraner that makes it all worth it. I take several meds so Maddy and I can live together and she is worth EVERY bit of it! I have had these allergies my whole life and knew what we were getting into when we got her. I think if you are an animal lover, you will go through a lot in order to love your animal. The "woman" doesnt' care for his dog and is using her allergies to force his hand. I would wager she just doesn't like animals period.

I agree, pets aren't disposable, but some of the posts here seem so insensitive to the woman and her allegeries. I didn't hear the call, but maybe she didn't realize how allergic she was. I know I never imagined that I would have such severe allergies to the cats. Some people have mild allergies and they become worse or better over time. My youngest daughter grew out of her dairy allergy.

I guess I am just very sensitive to this situation having lived through it and having the cats win. Even while I was pregnant and wheezing the cats were more important and couldn't live outside because they were there first. I guess I'm still bitter....

I do agree that there is more to this story.

not everyone who thinks the woman is a control freak doesn't have allergies or asthma. i am allergic to peanuts, perfumes, household cleaners, cats, some dog breeds, cigarette smoke and on and on and on... i spent over six years getting allergy shots and i still have asthma & allergy attacks due to my allergies.

i would never get involved with someone who smoked or had cats. i know my limits. it seems to me that either, she must not spend much time with him or the dog if she didn't realize she was allergic or she isn't an animal person and is using it as an excuse to get rid of the dog. now, i agree, sometimes allergies pop up after being exposed, but i wonder if she has tried anything at all.

IMO, if she truly loved him, she wouldn't ask him to get rid of his dog. She would wait it out.

I love the analogy of getting involved with someone who smokes! Quitting smoking is REALLY HARD! Why get involved with someone who smells like smoke and will trigger your asthma??

Anyone who has loved an animal as part of their family- would never ask someone to unload their animal.... I agree if she loved the man as much as she says, she wouldn't ask him to do that.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I think I would continue to date him until the dog passed away!

TC

 

[Angelhalo]

First I wouldn't listen to Dr. Laura....EVER, but that aside, I think the fiance needs to get allergy shots or do whatever she must to stay in the relationship. She knew going in that he had a dog and to ask him to get rid of the dog is completely heartless. I wouldn't want to marry someone with that little compassion anyway. Blah!

 

[Angelhalo]

Let me ask this...what would you guys do if your child was born with severe allergies to the house pet. Would you tell the child to suck it up??

The child isn't the same as an adult going into a relationship of free will with someone whom they know has a pet.

 

[Angelhalo]

I think most people here would say yes, because the cats came first. (You obviously misled him, you witch!)

I'm not sure how this became all this woman's fault. It could just have easily been that he convinced her to continue dating him insisting that the dog wouldn't ever be an issue. Now he wants her to live with a dog, something she can't do because of her health. Maybe she just wasted the best years of her life on someone who doesn't really care about her. We don't know - so I'm not sure why people are calling this woman names.

There are obviously a lot of people on this thread that think having allergies means taking an occasional OTC med and having the symptoms magically disappear. Oh to be so lucky!

There are also a lot of us here who people are just assuming that we have no experience with severe allergies when we do indeed. My mother has EXTREME allergies to cat dander. She has had skin issues, immune system issues, breathing issues, she's even had her throat close completely up. She is also a HUGE cat lover. She has 3 cats and at some points has had as many as 5 all indoors. She has gone through misery and agony for those cats because she loves them. She has changed the paint, the carpet to tile, the air filtration system. She has tried pills, shots, creams, inhalers the list goes on and on. Bottom line though was that she didn't give up until she had found a complete system that works for her to be able to keep her cats. Before I get bludgeoned to death, I understand that this MAY not be possible for everyone. But, the point is that there are many of us who agree that the woman is the problem, and our feelings don't necessarily stem from the idea that we have no experience with severe allergies. We're not all just rubes who think a simple Claritin pill will work for everyone.

 

[alexandria674]

Maybe because I am somewhat slow at an early morning, but if this woman is this man's fiance wouldn't she have been at his house at some point of their lives and therefore had to be around the dog? Why is this an issue now? The dog was there from the start obviously. Obviously this dog means a lot to the guy and getting rid of the pet could start some resentment issues later. There should be some kind of compromise. For example, she could take some kind of allergy medication and he could promise to vacuum or get one of those air atomizer or something to that effect.

 

[luvmy3]

He knew she was highly allergic to his dog and asked her to marry him and then he expects her to just suck it up and take allergy shots I wouldn't expect my fiance to live in misery (yes allergy sufferers can be in misery even while medicated), or live on medication for the rest of their life. In all fairness she shouldn't have dated him and accepted his proposal, but to me its not a case of someone deserving better, they just shouldn't be with eachother thats all.

 

[Jennasis]

She can get allergy shots and medication to deal with the allergy. I can't fathom her even asking or expecting him to get rid of the dog.