A curfew question for those with college kids....

[UncleKyle]

Let me start off by saying that curfews are foreign to me, I never had one in high school and sure don't have one in college. As long as I let my parents know where I was and called when I thought it was necessary then everything was ok, if I lied about stuff then things would have changed. If I went out drinking and called for a ride my parents would come get me no questions asked. All I got was lecture the next morning and a thank you for being responsible enough to call them to come get me instead of trying to drive. I know some parents don't like that method but hey I'm still here and I have two high school friends that aren't because they decided to drive instead of call their parents because they knew they would be in trouble. But hey thats another debate. ANYWAY.....

My question is do you have curfews for your kids when they are home from college? My friends and I discussed this the other night and I've dated a few girls during the summer and christmas break who had curfews while they were in college. My question is why? You have no idea (and you don't want to know) what your kids are doing while they are away and now that they are home your going to ask them to change their schedule for your peace of mind? I understand the whole "under my house, my rules" thing but your kids are now legally adults and if they at least let you know where they are and you trust them then why force them to be at home on a certain time? Just throwing this one out there for different opinions. It seems between me and my 7 or 8 friends only one had a curfew and home and she was a daddys girl.

 

[Evil Princess]

Pull that on a parent, and you'll get "fine, as long as IM PAYING for your college education, you'll have a curfew at home" if that is the case.

Personally, I didn't have a cerfew the few months before school, so I don't have one when I come home. I find that the kids at college who had strict parents who enforced really early cerfews tend to go NUTS at school with all of the freedom.

 

[Tiggeroo]

My dd has no curfew. And as long as she and in the future the other kids practice respect they'll have none. I like to know what time she is getting in, and a phone call if it's going to be later. A rough idea of where she'll be or who with would be nice. If she always came in at 5am, and engaged in risky behavior or had me worry because she said she'd be home at 1am and didn't get in till hours later repeatedly this might change. I have told her and my hs aged boys over and over, if you need a ride home because you or your ride have been drinking or the party is out of hand, or anything at all, call. I will get you, no questions asked. I tell my dd if she is stuck, use the credit card and get a cab. I'll foot the bill.
Now it is easy for me to say this to my kids. They are good kids. Even if they do some things I don't approve of, I don't think they're big risk takers or push it too much. If I thought they had a problem I wouldn't hesitate to take a different stance.
What I tell myself with my 19yo dd (who lived at home at a state school til this semester) is that she is an adult. If she wasn't going to college and living at home during break she could be working and have her own place. I would rather she be at college, so I want to treat her as an adult. Not always easy for me, but I do it.

 

[WDWAurora]

I'm a college senior. During hs I didn't have a curfew-until my senior year. My parents got very weird and overprotective that year...but I usually just broke it-called from the cell phone and told them I was going to be later, and they were fine with it. I think they just wanted to be more sure of where I was. Anyway...I went to college, and when I came back over the labor day break, they were SO weird again! Dad would drop me off at the mall where the guy I was dating worked and make him bring me home (30 miles from his house!) It was nuts! I mean, If I just drove...it would be less driving for everybody. He did that twice...but after that they got normal again. When I'm home I still have to keep in touch and let them know where I'm at, but I don't have a curfew, more of just a let us know you're alive kinda thing.

 

[UncleKyle]

I find that the kids at college who had strict parents who enforced really early cerfews tend to go NUTS at school with all of the freedom.

Amen. I see them every fall at parties. When I was in the dorm you could spot the kids with the strict parents real easy. They were the ones that had no idea what to do with themselves or how to behave. I always made sure I showed them the ropes. lol

 

[NHAnn]

hhhhmmmmm...I'm sure I'll be dealing with this issue next year...(DD is a senior in high school). We do deal with it now to a lesser extent during school vacations....when DD's social life is quite active, but we parents are NOT on vacation and still get up at 6 am

Originally posted by UncleKyle
You have no idea (and you don't want to know) what your kids are doing while they are away and now that they are home your going to ask them to change their schedule for your peace of mind?

It's not so much for peace of mind as it is for my good night's sleep and a little "respect" as Tiggeroo put it!

 

[Tiggeroo]

ITA NHann. It's about respect. If my kid wants to be an adult, and behaves like one, they'll understand my feelings and want to respect them as well. Then, in turn I'll treat them like one and give them more freedom.
From a legal standpoint, kids who are in college and are still their parents dependents, their parents are still responsible for some of their actions. They are generally driving cars registered and insured by their parents. The generally don't have much of an income. If something happens due to a college kids reckless behavior the parent will be footing the bill. Also, if my kids make poor choices, in the long run I will suffer also. First, by them not becoming independent when they should, due to finances, second it woud pain me every day to see my kid struggling from the consequences of their choices.
So I give my college kids quite a bit of freedom because they have given me no reason no to. But there have been a few times when i have tightened them a little bit, because they are my kids I am responsible for them, I have more experience and want what's best for them. I want them to have a good time at college, but I'm not paying for them to major in partying.

 

[UncleKyle]

I understand the respect stand point, I respect my parents very much but I also want to be my own person and have freedoms. It's a fine line to walk as a parent but keeping your kids on lock down will only make them push away. I respect my parents by making responsible choices and avoiding any sort of trouble. Such as I've never done drugs, had a DUI (which is huge since every friend I have has had a DUI), I still haven't wrecked my car (which is also huge considering the way I drive). So this gives my parents some comfort in my decisions. I just feel that some parents are so afraid of their kids making mistakes that they don't realize that maybe they need to make mistakes to learn from them. Personally I won't need curfews when I have kids because they will carry Nextel phones which have built in GPS. ( I work for Nextel.) Check out Comet Tracker . It's a very cool tool, I've sold it to mostly businesses but I've had plenty of parents purchase it too.

I want them to have a good time at college, but I'm not paying for them to major in partying.

I've been able to manage both quite well

 

[bsnyder]

Hi Kyle!

For me, the major difference is that when my son is home from college, I'm not able to sleep well until I know he's home.

When he's at school, I don't think about it.

Next year, I'll have two of them to worry about during vacations. Oh joy!

 

[WDWAurora]

bsnyder, my dad says the same thing! If I don't come in and say goodnight, he's calling my cell phone, coming into the other room to look for me, etc (they go to bed EARLY, so he wakes up around midnight looking for me). So I understand your statement completely.

Let me add that I never had a curfew other than the not enforced one my senior year, and I've never been drunk, never smoked, never been involved in "promiscuous activities," etc...but I have a lot of fun and spend a lot of time with friends, and, for the past 3 plus years, my boyfriend. It does say something for allowing your child to have a lot of freedom...

 

[DocRafiki]

Originally posted by UncleKyle
Amen. I see them every fall at parties. When I was in the dorm you could spot the kids with the strict parents real easy. They were the ones that had no idea what to do with themselves or how to behave. I always made sure I showed them the ropes. lol

Woah! Deja vu! We've had this discussion before, haven't we?
(ITA -- they were so obvious in the dorms)

Wait, except that my parents were very strict, and I wasn't a part of all that. But it was a weird situation.

I had a curfew when I lived with my parents during my 5th year of college. This is after having lived in the dorm for 4.5 years and going away on the college program for a semester.

My parents even tried to give me one when I moved back in after vet school. By then I had added another 4 years of apartment life, one of which I lived all alone.

I went home for a visit last month (30 years old, here!), and my mom was "worried sick" about my driving to New Orleans from their house. That's a TWO hour drive into a city I've been to hundreds of times. This was after an additional 3 years living by myself and after traveling to Europe by myself.

It really doesn't matter what you've done with your life. Some parents just have to have something to worry about.

And I was anything BUT "daddy's little girl."

 

[UncleKyle]

Hey Doc Rafiki, we have talked about crazy kids in the dorms haven't we? LOL

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>My own parents were very strict when I was in high school, but I knew why, and I still had a lot of fun - never did the drinking or other stuff, and who knows what I would have experimented with in those days. Went away for a year to Spain when I was in college - total freedom - and I still didn't go crazy. However, i did stay up late many times (over there the discotecas didn't close till 5am .... ahhhh the memories ).

When I came home, they realized they shouldn't put the same restrictions on me, and as long as I called them to tell them I was going to be late, all was good .... as long as I kept my grades up, was financially responsible, etc., etc.

Now that I have a 16 yr old and an almost 15 yr old, I know that these same issues will come up for me to address with them, and I know that I will continue to stress respect.

 

[CamColt]

I grew up in a house like yours Kyle, well except I never went off to college, I was working and living at home after high school.
I hope to be able to raise my kids the same way, provided they are responsible enough.

I also had a friend who had a very early curfew all through highschool and even the summer after we graduated. She then moved off to college, and lets just say she was very well known.

 

[wdwnutze]

My son is a sophmore in college. When he is home he needs to be in by 2am. If he calls and says he is staying somewhere else, that is fine. When he is home for the summer and is working(6:30am-3) we expect him to be in by 1 on work nights. This is not a matter of "controlling" him as much a matter of respect for the rest of the family in the house. After all, there isn't much to do after 2am that is legal to be doing. We feel that "If you don't like the rules, you don't have to live here." We pay for all school costs including books so my ds knows he has a good deal.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Another way to look at it is that, as an adult, you are a guest in their home. As a respectful guest, you wouldn't (I would hope) be coming and going at all hours of the night. You could wake your hosts coming in late, and cause them concern (i.e., did someone just break into my house?).

Just some food for thought, from the "We're all adults" POV.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a few years till then and I don't know what I will do UK. She is in 7th now and then one more year till HS.

My guess is that as long as she gives us respect she will get it back. All I can say is I am happy cell phones were invented. More than likely I don't think I would impose a curfew when she is in college.

If I needed her home at a decent hour for some reason I hope I would get treated as the same way she expects me to treat her, as an adult.

 

[Cindy B]

My parents were very strict. All during high school and college (I stayed at home and commuted) I had a curfew. I had the "my house my rules" lecture...

Even as I started to work and go to school at night, I had to pay rent. (Thier reasoning was that I was primarily working and not primarily going to school).

Even then, as a rent paying "adult" who was engaged to my DH, I still had a curfew. Towards the end, my parents didn't say much, but when I was first dating my to be DH, they enforced the "rules".

 

[Lucky4me]

By the time my older two boys were 18, there was no curfew. All I expected was to know the who's where's and what's. If they weren't coming home at all I needed a phone call before 11pm. All I cared about was their safety. (and my sleep. ) I also had them sign contracts stating they wouldn't drive drunk or get in the car with someone who was drunk. I only had to pick them up once and I am so glad they called me.

2 down, 2 to go!

 

[wdwfam]

I wholeheartedly agree with Tiggeroo and Mary Jo. What recently happened at our house was - month long break. DS a Freshman does not like to keep the same hours as his parents do. That means going to bed at 3-4 a.m. and getting up at 1:00 p.m. or so. I let it slide during break - rough semester. He always had a curfew until he left for college. Rarely did he break it. But his dad was on the cellphone calling him. When he comes home during the summer, he will have to adjust to our schedule a little more - and get a job. As long as he has a routine, he does fine. And even though we were strict parents, I know for a fact that he is not "running wild" at school. There are certain expectations that we have. He's a great kid. When we are paying the kind of money out for his education, then yes I think we have a little say in the matter of his life. Do we hold it over him? Probably a little, but that is one of the consequences of attending one of the most expensive universities in the nation.