A curfew question for those with college kids....

[aprilgail2]

I never had a curfew in high school and I couldn't imagine being in college and having mommy or daddy tell me to be home a certain time.....however I do plan on having a curfew for my daughter when she is in high school but I wouldn't have one for her in college....

 

[DMickey28]

I think that this topic depends totally on the type of child you are or have.

When I lived at home in highschool my parents preferred that I was home at a certain time. I usually worked weekend mornings or had an school activity so that wasn't a problem. When I was in college and living at home during breaks or what not, agian they would prefer I was in at a certain time. If I wasn't going to be, which happened maybe twice, I called. However, my parents are my best friends, I prefered watching corny movies and reruns with them to running around town with "friends".

My younger brother on the other hand is a completely different story. He is 22 and when he comes home from college, the house is a tension ball. He wakes up whenever he wants, has attitude about doing things, he doesn't work at all and my parents support him 100%, he is grumpy and will "grunt" at you depending on his mood, very moody... it's walking on eggshells with him 99% of the time. My mother has had enough of it. He will go out to friends houses and play drinking games and not come home, but won't tell anyone and his cell phone "never works"..... He's a good kid, but just not mature enough. He cleans, cooks and takes care of himself at school he just doesn't get it together at home. Every year there is some reason why he doesn't have a job... but he will learn with time. He's never been in any "serious" trouble but he has had his share.... however we were parented the same in a loving household.....

It depends on the child and the situation

 

[Tiggeroo]

DMickey, I agree. Although I really don't care what time my dd comes in, I like to know just for peace of mind. If she is going to come in at 3am fine, then I know she's not broke down somewhere. I suspect that this issue will be less when it's my sons. With girls you worry about creeps if they are stranded somewhere, or who give them a ride. That's actually the concern, not that they are out with their friends having a good time.
However, I have sons who are different then her. I still don't really have a curfew for them in hs, but I have to stay on top of things a bit more. Every time they go out I have to remind them that they need to tell me where they'll be and what time they'll be home. They never seem to know where they're going to be, how they're getting home, etc. I ask them to call me and they usually don't until 12 midnight, then they want a ride home. They often lose privelages over this. So because of this I reserve the right to be more parental if I feel I need to. Unfortunately, I can see this being worst when they are in college. If I have no limits at all they will be coming in at 5 am 7 days a week. Not OK with me. They're still good kids. Just more laid back about things, and really craving more freedom.
It's tough being a parent. You want your kids safe, but you want them to grow up and to do that they need more freedom. You have to set limits, but you realize that if they're too tight your kids will resent you and go wild, and not respect any of your rules. I'm always trying to walk the middle ground. In the end all we want are kids who enjoy their youth but grow up to be good adults.

 

[karebear1]

I have 3 kids in college- 2 of them living at home. This is how I look at it. Age does not an adult make. Adults are soley responsible for themselves. They don't live with their parents. They are fiscally responsible for themsleves. They pay for their own food, rent, gas and car. If there are dirty dishes, they put them in the dish washer, they don't leave them laying on the floor. Adults realize the expense involved in purchasing clothing and treat those items with respect by making sure those clothes are cleaned, hung up and put into drawers instead of filed on the floor. Adults in general are considerate of others- not keeping late hours when others have to get up at 5:30am to get to work, and if they are out late, they call out of common courtesy, to let someone know. Until these criteria are met, and by the way, a few more, then college kids are not really adults are they? They're just of a legal age.
As each one of my kids takes on the responsibilty of behaving like an adult, curfews lift and they become more and more independent. But it's like someone else said- if you interfere with my sleep- watch out!!!

 

[DawnCt]

They don't have to have a curfew but the car has a curfew. The car must be in by midnight. I also want to know if they are staying overnight at one of their friend's houses. If the car has to be home by midnight, it usually arrives home much sooner and they may go somewhere with one of their friends, and in the process of returning the keys I get a sense of where they are going and when to expect them.

 

[onecoolmama]

I had extremely strict parents. To make a long story short..I was assulted in school when I was 8. After that..my parents watched me like a hawk. Ok, rightfully so...but everytime I turned around..they were there. My mom was sooo invovled..and I was a great kid. I never drank, smoked, I hung out with kids who had the same values..but then I got to college.

I went to school 8 hours away, but my parents called me everyday. They told me that I had to do community service, go to mass, eat my veggies...about three months after I got there..I had had it. I was carrying 18 credit hours..I went out and got a job working 50 hours a week, I saved up money. I got home for Christmas break..they were the same. Finally, the summer between Freshman and Sophmore year..I lost it with them. I told them to leave me alone, I called my stepfather and #%%hole and I told them I would never come back.

I love my mom..we get along famously now. But my parents were control freaks. I still dont drink, smoke, use non presript drugs...none of it. But, once I moved out and they didnt have the control...it took one year of fighting, yelling, and not speaking to each other for them to realize that I had my stuff together.

On a side note. I think that it is extremely disrespectful of college kids to call on the house line after 10pm. My family are all early risers..so we go to bed early..even in college I did. But other kids calling my house after 10pm just angered my parents and I thought it rude too. I told my friends to stop calling by that point...at the dorms..you can get away with it..at home..it is rude.

 

[Kallison]

No I didn't have a curfew in college, but I always let my parents know where I was going and when I would be home. On the flip side, my Mom is hard of hearing and she would leave a light on in the hallway. When I came home I was supposed to flip it off, so she knew I was home safe and sound. My brother lived in the attached apartment and was a big homebody, always in by 12:30. So big bro would flip the light for me. This was in high school. Of course my Dad always caught on and the next am when Mom would say -- What time were you in dear? I would say 12:30ish. My Dad would "ahem" behind his newspaper and hold up two or three fingers. The rest of the day he would be like -- honey can I get a bowl of ice cream -- and then hold up the two or three fingers again. So of course I had to do his bidding all day Sunday or be ratted out. Can you tell my Mom was the goody two-shoes and my Dad was the heck raiser??

 

[Disney Debbie]

I'm pretty much like your parents, Kyle. DD is a senior this year and she pretty much has a midnight curfew on weekends, 9:30 on school nights. But that is the - "if you haven't asked us otherwise then this is the time we expect you curfew". If she has other plans, as long as we know about them, the curfew is pretty easily extended. It has never been abused. We also have the policy of call us if you are EVER in a situation where you feel unsafe, your ride is drinking or you've been drinking. So far we haven't been called on that - but we have been called "in secret" from her cell phone so she could let us know she was at a party. None of her friends would tell their parents where they were and didn't want her to tell us. So she snuck in the bathroom to let us know because she knew if we found out some other way - all that trust would go out the window. Drugs are not an option for any of us. She has skipped MANY parties because she knew people would be smoking dope or crack (which completely blows my mind - these are small town high school students folks - not inner city ghetto) She went to a party the night our football team one the state championship and was home by 10 because someone told her there was coke in the back. She said, "Oh, they've got drinks in the back?" Anyway - when she found out they weren't talking about Coca Cola - she left. I go on about this to make the point that because we're honest with her and trust her - she's honest with us and is worthy of trust. When school is out, I want her home by 11:00 so that I know she's in and I can sleep! But next year, she'll be living at home and we've already told her that as long as she let's us know when - or if! - she's coming home that we're going to keep our mouths shut.

If you show kids that you don't trust them - they'll give you a reason not to trust them! I've seen it time and time again.

 

[Sleepy]

This is a very painful topic for me. I view curfews after graduation as a parents last ditch effort to have control over their children. Without going into every detail of the long horrid 3 years it took me to break free from their control, I will give an example of why I think parents use curfew as a way to control. When I was in high school I was forced to take a job that required me to work till after 11pm on school nights and midnight on Fri and Sat. Ah yes, when I look back, this job was not to "teach me responsibility", it was a way to keep me from experiencing things like dances, dates, going to the movies and the mall. BTW, I did NONE of these. I worked! After graduation, I was forced to live at home. I got a fulltime job, bought a car and had my own insurance and paid them rent. My job was from 8am-5pm. My nights were free. I was 18 and out of school, so I went out at night, but had a curfew of 10pm Why is it ok for me to be out past midnight while in high school but not ok after high school????? Oh, that's right.......I worked at night in high school and now I am not working nights, so I must be out prostituting and doing drugs THey can't control what I am doing, so they feel the need to control the amount of time I have to do it. Needless to say, by the time I was almost 20, and a curfew upped to a whopping 11pm, I had enough and moved out against their wishes. Mom was forced to get her own life and I wish I had the nerve to take control of my own long before then. Sad thing is I had a brother who was only a year younger and he never went through the grief I did. He lived at home free and was given full use of the car (I was not) and was allowed to stay out as late as he wanted.

 

[onecoolmama]

Sleepy..I feel you with the car! My brother was 3 years older. At 16 he was given a car. When I turned 16 he was 19 and off at college...but he went to a small college and kids weren't allowed to have cars there...so the car sat in our driveway. Here is the kicker..when he came home he was allowed to drive the car anywhere he wanted. I was not allowed to drive the car EVER. I never got into an accident..he got into three!

It was junior and senior year where I really lost it with my parents over that. A car sitting there in the driveway while I had to wait for them to come home before I could go out becuase that car was "not a safe car to drive." To this day..I can't talk about it with my parents without getting angry...and I am 27!!! LOL!

 

[Keli]

I have a really great kid. I firmly believe that and so does my dh. But we also know that Ashli can make VERY unwise decisions at times. She's getting better as she gets older but she still has something of an "I'm invincible" attitude coupled with a "life isn't fun unless you're pushing the envelope" attitude. We don't have a set curfew and she often doesn't have one at all but when we do give her one it's from a safety standpoint as her parents. A night on the town (well not in Bowling Green, lol, but when she's going to Nashville or Louisville or something) is much more likely to get her a curfew than a night spent with friends at a private party.

 

[Sleepy]

Originally posted by onecoolmama
To this day..I can't talk about it with my parents without getting angry...and I am 27!!! LOL!

Well, believe me, it does not get any easier. I am almost 34 and still become very upset when I think about all the grief my parents put me through and all the things I missed out on during my late teenage years because of them. My mother sees nothing wrong with her actions and my father was the kind of person who just never bucked my mothers decisions, so I blame both of them. I never discuss it with them nor do I discuss it with my brother. It is in the past and while I cannot change it, I can learn from it and do better with my son.