9YO daughter problems-- HELP-- doesn't want to be without mom

[clutter]

I'm going against the majority here!

My almost-9 dd (Tuesday) has been phasing in and out of this all year. Then last week, a friend posted on a school-age list that her 9 year old was doing exactly what you're talking about.

In her case, her dd is afraid that her mom's going to die. In my case, my dd has been on the receiving end of some girl-bullying. Anyway, what I told my friend is that I'm not always sure you can tell what is the cart and what is the horse. In fact, I'm not sure that our girls do, either. But, she's probably feeling uncomfortable (could really be a sore throat, have you tried allergy meds to see if it helps? Either benedryl at night or claritin?) either physically or emotionally. I know my dd has always had periods of cling-ons, so that's a trigger to me that either she's having a big development or physical spurt, or something's up.

So, yeah, I don't think it's all that surprising (both my friend and I are single moms of singletons, so we would be more likely to notice changes given our tight family dynamics). Could be hormones, could be the sore throat (or she could be making that up to justify why she feels... weird), could be something at school. I'd try some allergy meds, and give it some time.

 

[kidzmom3]

A feeling of vulnerability is common in children on the brink of adolescence. They can become sad, tearful, angry, withdrawn, hypersensitive and or uncommunicative. Bombarded with new thoughts and emotions, they often do not know how to cope with it all. They can become ambivalent about seperating from their parents. I wonder if your daughter is perhaps entering into the very first stages of puberty. I am not trying to be too personal but have you noticed any physical changes (such as breast buds)?

 

[makinorlando]

Wow - did I ramble on... I guess when I read the OPs post, it just struck me - as I am having similar issues with my DD9 - It felt good to get it all out in words! I will not feel "hurt" if ya get bored and move on... but I'm going to leave it all here

Okay, while I am not saying that this is "normal" phase for 9 yos to go through, I will say that coincidently my DD9 has been much of a home body for the past month or so. I also have issues with her not wanting to go to school (the teacher hates me....) and going to the clinic for every little thing when she does go to school (I work from home, so going to get her is not generally and issue, and she knows this). She even told me the other day she wishes I would home school her, that I can teach her things better than school! One day I sent her into school after her crying for 15 minutes prior (broke my heart) and another day I went to have lunch with her, and she cried when I left her. I am making an appointment with the counselor next week, she was on vacatio this week, or I would have spoken to her the day she cried after lunch. She complains of stomach aches, headaches, but there is no medical reason that is ever found. I feel silly taking her to the Dr every time she complains of a stomach ache, since they found nothing the two times a did - (they sent us to a surgeon the one time as it was presenting a little like appendicitis, but thankfully it was not). She does get headaches - migraines run in our family it seems - but that reason has tapered off and now it's the stomach - which surely could be nerves.

She normally is one to walk in the house, drop her school bag, grab a snack, and as soon as the kids are out down the street she is off, and I would not see her again until dinner time. Well yesterday was the first time in a good month that she even played with her friends. Even on the weekends, (when we are home.... ) she used to bug me that she was bored, etc, but she is in a phase were she is content to play with her stuff and watch movies with me (me sitting right there with her - not multi tasking doing anything else which is extremeley difficult for me!)

During spring break and even her birthday when we did not have a big party (we took one friend and the parents to 1900 Park Fare for breakfast) and the into MK for the afternoon) - she kept saying - this is so nice - this is how it's supposed to be enjoying family.

We have no family in Florida, and where we usually have at least my mother here at Christmas, she and my sister were both here at Thanksgiving - so maybe it's a void in that sense that she is filling with being with me 24/7 except for school!

When she is not in school, we are pretty much together all the time. I don't go out without her, I take her to school and pick her up from school, and right now she is not in any extra activities - she wanted to give riding lessons a break for a bit. I try to do at least one weekend day out - Disney, etc. and sometimes depending on homework and my work load, we will do something on a week night. So it's not that she is not getting my attention - except for the animals - she does not have to share me with anyone!

My sister and my great nephew will be here in one week. Kier is 6 and has never been on a plane, or to WDW or anywhere really. I hope this is a boost of family time that will help her. We have been busy planning for the visit - my sis is a vetern of the parks, but she is not used to traveling with a young one any more! We also have the new litter of kittens to which she has been very attentive this week. I was sure after 3 or 4 days the novelty would where off, and she would have no concern for them!

Again - if you made it this far - SORRY!

 

[MUFFYCAT]

my dd is little older 11 & 6th grade.
In January she got sick, then she felt so sick she couldn't move.
After a rough few days and 2 hospitals visit, it turned out it was a pscho-sematic illness.

she felt pressures from school and other problems, her system just shut down.
after therapy (she's still doing it) she has Generalized anxieth disorder.

she became afraid to do things that she did year ago or more.
She's doing better now, but still in therapy

another note, my older DD friend had social/separation anxiety when she was about 9-12. she didn't want to be apart from her dad.

 

[disneygals]

Seperation anxiety is not that rare at this age...it is just not talked about as much. I think it is an age of awareness of the real world and that can be scary. Do a web search for school refusal and you will find some info regarding this.

Good Luck

 

[YourMajesty]

My DS is eight and he has come home from all sleep overs this school year (4x total...one was his cousin). The only place he has stayed was at his grandma/grandpa's house. He has also had trouble falling and staying alseep (the entire school year). This fits his personality but it's still overboard as he has stayed with close friends before. The only fear he finally told us about was that his aunt had been robbed (in august...right before school started). We've just tried to be supportive and reassuring that everything will be ok. Good luck with you DD.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This sounds really odd, but please have her doctor make sure she doesn't have strep. There is a weird syndrome that occasionally occurs after a bout of strep called PANDAs. (You can google it, if you'd like.) It basically brings on obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is a form of anxiety disorder. It's WAYYYY out there, and I wouldn't bring it up, but I do know a child who ended up with OCD / anxiety disorder after a bout of strep.

Really?????
Hmmmmm....thanks, I have never heard of this. I will look it up.

My 9yodd is also experiencing bad anxiety too...How strange! She will pass out. Right now it is from medical tests, crowds, smokey restaurants, etc...
We are currently on the ruling out anything organic thing right now. She had a trip to the neurologist, and the cardiologist is next week.
We do believe is a "Vasal Vagal" response to stress, but are trying to confirm first before exploring what we will do next.

My dd is puts alot of pressure on herself to do well in school. So you are NOT ALONE out there!

 

[cstraub]

I went through a bout of this when I was around 9.

I remeber I used to run the neighborhood and even walked a long way home from school every day for years. There was a girl kidnapped around our area and I must of head about it because I did a complete 360 and did not want to leave the house. I became totally obsessd with being kidnapped myself to the point that I could not enjoy much. I used to ride home on the bus in the afternoon and pray the whole way to my stop that my mom would be waiting for me at the bus stop. I also suffered terrible sore throats. I think they were from anxiety kind of like when you cry and the back of your throat hurts afterward.

I'm not sure what sent me into this episode but I was terrified. Up until then I had been a pretty care free child. I was a great student, had great friends and lots of support. This episode just came out of nowhere. My mom and I have duiscussed it and like I stated earlier we came to the conclussion that I must have heard about the girl getting kidnapped. It must of really scared me.

My DS went through a similiar expereince when he was almost 8. The school nurse woud call me and tell me he was crying and said his stomach hurt. The nurse was starting to ask questions and it really had me freaked. Like you, we knew our sons whereabouts at all times and he knew he could come to us if anything had ever happend no matter what. He grew out of it after a few weeks. I bing it up now and he says he just felt scared.

I have a crazy imagination now that I am an adult. It serves me well in that I am an artisit. I still can not watch scary movies or read scray books. I avoid the news at all costs just because it really can get the best of me.

I would suggest maybe weeding out all things that could be scary during this time. Have her focus on postive things. When my DS was feeling like that I would sing him songs from the rides at WDW. It always cheered him up.

Good luck getting through this. Don't think the worst just yet. Although it may not be common for kids to feel the way your DD does there are others that have had similiar experiences and have gotten through them. I turned out to not be an anxious person whatsoever thank god.

Give it time and remeber, "There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of every day. There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, just a dream away!"

 

[LindsayDunn228]

*sigh*

I have to respond because this hits home for me. I went through the same thing when I was in 4th grade. I was 9. I did almost the same thing you say your daughter does. The reason: my 4th grade teacher. She was hideous. She literally hated me and wasn't shy about it. She would deliberately embarass me in front of the whole class, among other things.

For example, I had trouble with long division. So my mom would check my work at night. If I didn't get it right, she'd tell me to work the problem again until I had it right. Sounds normal right? Well I would go to the front of the room to work the problem the way I had it on my homework, remember doing that? Well if I got it correct she would yell at me and accuse me of having my mother do my homework for me.

Also, I found out I was going to have to have sugery for my scoliosis. I came to school the next day and was telling my friends about it. I cried just a little talking about. She told me to dry it up, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Just 2 examples.

She had me so nervous and jumpy I just wanted my mom ALL THE TIME. I didn't tell my mother a lot of what happened because I knew she would have ***** slapped my teacher, LOL! But once I got out of her class I got over it and moved on. Never happened to me again.

So my advice is make sure nothing has happened recently to your daughter to make her behave this way.

 

[clarabelle]

I have had these kinds of problems with my DD. Bright kids especially sometimes get separation anxiety. It often has something to do with the realization of their own or their parents mortality.
She wound up going to therapy for a little while.
There are some books about parenting anxious children that may have some little exercises you can do.
We also got some Cd's with relaxation meditations to listen to -one was called "Indigo Dreams" you can get it on amazon.
She is doing much better now. I would watch her closely and if she does not get better in a week or two take her to the Dr.
Also the school counselor might be of some help.
It is hard being a parent. Sometimes I feel like everyone has perfect well adjusted children except me.
That is one of the good things about the Dis boards. There is usually someone who has had a similar experience.

 

[DVC Sadie]

If this behavior continues why not take your dd to a child psychologist to see if that would help with an anxiety or separation disorder. I'd be concerned because it is she seems to be so distressed whether its school or anywhere else. Good luck and hugs.

 

[damo]

Has she read any books lately that might have triggered this?

 

[KAMLEM]

My 9yodd is also experiencing bad anxiety too...How strange! She will pass out. Right now it is from medical tests, crowds, smokey restaurants, etc...
We are currently on the ruling out anything organic thing right now. She had a trip to the neurologist, and the cardiologist is next week.
We do believe is a "Vasal Vagal" response to stress, but are trying to confirm first before exploring what we will do next.

My sister has this. She passed out in the doctor's office when she was having fluid drawn from her knee once. When she was pregnant it happened much more. She would be driving and all of sudden get the feeling that she gets before she passes out and she'd have to pull over. She got really worked up over it and that caused her even more stress. It doesn't happen much now but whenever she has a medical procedure she has to make sure they are aware of it.

 

[KAMLEM]

I completely forgot about this until I read through this thread but I used to have a similar problem. In the third grade I had a very mean teacher. One time she yelled at me because we were cutting out hearts for the bulletin board and my edges were messy. She told me that mine were a mess and to just let Richard cut the rest of them out. Once she caught me with gum and she made me wear it on my nose for the rest of the day - even to lunch and recess. I started telling my mother that I had a sore throat about once a week. I remember feeling guilty because she would spend money to take me to the doctor and I knew that nothing was wrong.

In the fourth grade I had a great teacher but by then I had started wearing braces on my legs and some of kids would laugh at me. There was one girl who was especially mean to me on the bus and at school. For some reason I didn't want to tell my mother so many days I would say that I felt sick. I was taken out of fourth grade 3 months early because I had to have surgery on my back and the first thing that went through my mind was relief that I wouldn't have to see the bully anymore.

 

[Puffy2]

third grade/9 years old is a common age for problems.

It could be that she fears an adult (maybe even for what would seem to you as a minor reason) at school . (teacher?) Perhaps this adult has spoken harshly, or firmly indicated that "the students are no longer little kids and now there are more responsibilities for them now that they are older" , or told the class that they can't go to the bathroom anytime they want (they have to go as a group...) I'd ask her if she would feel better about going to school if her teacher was different or if her school was different.

Next, at that age I also freaked out when my mom left home - looking back I think it had to do with my aunt dieing suddenly when I was three. I realized that people can be taken from you instantly. This fear can develop even if the person that dies is not close (maybe she heard about someone on the news, ect...) It might help to give her something of yours to keep (necklace, picture, ring - but something she can take with her if she wants) - and let her know that you are "always with her - right here (and point to her heart and head)"

The biggest help is to make her realize that she is not a victim - has choices in this life and she is not entirely at the mercy of other adults.

 

[PooohBear]

One other thing-- she for the past few months has been kind of a homebody. She likes to stay home and play. She has LOTS of friends and has them over here. She does play at other kid's houses but not as frequently as she did before. For example she used to sleep at her best friend's house a lot but now doesn't want to sleep away from home and hasn't done so for a long time- several months. Now that I think of it about a month ago she didn't want to go to the library with a friend to go to an American Girls thing. I hope this is just a weird phase. Maybe I'll call the guidance office on Monday

WOW you have just posted what I posted about when I first came to the DIS, everything you described was my DD to a T !!!!!!!!! It drove me CRAZY trying to figure out why she all all of a sudden was acting this way, I took her to the doctor and everything, but nothing was wrong with her, this lasted (gasp) almost 2 years, she is 12 now and things are definately easier than they used to be, but it was VERY hard to get through it, we even tried taking her to a psychologist because at one point she would have such terrible anxiety over me just going out for the evening, I totally know what you're going through, my best advice is to keep your DD occupied !! the only thing that worked was to keep her mind and body busy with so many other things that she didn't have time for worrying ! honestly, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me because I know how difficult this is for YOU as well as her. OH and most importantly, ALWAYS keep the lines of communication going, talk WITH her, not at her

 

[PooohBear]

Bright kids especially sometimes get separation anxiety. It often has something to do with the realization of their own or their parents mortality.

This is absolutely true ! my DD has always been gifted and a straight "A" student and the psychologist said anxiety is common in gifted children

 

[kpgclark]

I'm so glad to hear others have daughters or were themselves the same way. It makes me feel better. I am really certain she has not been treated poorly by teachers in school. My son had the same teacher she has and she is fantastic. I did sit her down this morning to fish for reasons of people or children being mean or hurting her. She told me she would tell on ANYBODY that was mean to her. The more I think about it the more I see a gradual reluctancy to be without me which really peaked this past week. My husband said last night all the way to the big daddy daughter thing she screamed ans cried. The minute she got there she saw her friend Kelly and got out and played. She had a great time last night but when I asked her she said it was OK at best. That is not what my hubby observed. Today seemed like a better day. She had her first baseball game. She was looking forward to it. However when she was to go to bat she came to me and said "I don't want to play." I told her to go on up there and hit the ball hard. She immediately did so and then enjoyed the whole game. Afterward she went to my sister's house happily. Who knows! Raising kids is really hard! We'll see what happens next week at school. Luckily we are going on vacation the week after. Maybe she just needs a mental break from the stress of school and life in general.

I love hearing everyone's experiences. Thanks so much for writing them.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

I am a sped teacher with another degree in psych. I must tell you that if a student was acting like this, we would jump on it very quickly and either make the parent take the child to be evaluated or call in DSS.
This type of behavior you described really scares me. It might be a phase but in truth it might not. I am NOT trying to scare you but really take her to her pedi and see what he/she says and do not wait for it to go away. I am of the mind that better safe than sorry. Again I am not trying to frighten you and I will not go into the implications only to say CHECK IT OUT!

 

[MoniqueU]

This could be a post about my neighbors child. In my opinion they influence the problem and make it worse by indulging the problem.Oh you don't want to do that, you don't have to. JMHO but they should be encourarging independence at every chance they find not giving in.