...

[maxiesmom]

I don't believe in leaving a child out of a family vacation as punishment. Neither do I see it as a reward. Family time is family time. Every single family member can be a trial to be around at times. You don't only keep them close by when they behave, or when you like them (I know you love him, but you can love someone without liking them).

You say leaving him behind is not about punishment, yet you mention his grades and attitude. It is going to seem like a punishment. You also keep saying he is almost an adult, but I don't believe that age makes someone an adult. From what you have shared, he is not acting like an adult, so you shouldn't act like he is one. He is still a teenager, and one that sounds like he needs his family desperately. To me, it doesn't sound as if anything good will happen to him by being left behind. It sounds as if leaving him behind is to make your life easier, and that is not a good enough reason.

I know I sound harsh, but I disagree strongly with leaving a child behind because of attitude, or because you want a break from them.

 

[dizneepack]

...

 

[dizneepack]

...

 

[maxiesmom]

I don't see how going on a family trip is getting special treatment. It is a family vacation, and shouldn't hinge on good or bad behavior. Honestly, I wouldn't plan a trip knowing one child couldn't go, and at 17 he is not an adult.

It sounds as if you have your mind made up, and are just looking for reassurance you are doing the right thing. Many will give it to you. I will not. Punishing a child for not being the person you would hope they would be, for not acting like you wish them to, by leaving them out of a family trip is not ok in my book. And will probably make things worse, if he feels as if he is being punished. Your family loving you shouldn't hinge on good grades or acting lovable all of the time. Or on doing your chores. Heck as an adult I have family members that make me crazy! If we were all going on vacation together I wouldn't on purpose pick a time when I knew it would be hard for them to go. You just don't do that to family.

But if you want some people to make you feel better about leaving a child who obviously needs his family behind, who has issues that will make it easier for you if he isn't there, I'm sure you are at the right place.

 

[dizneepack]

...

 

[maxiesmom]

Just looking for opinions and what others have done in that situation. Until you've walked that mile, you have no clue what it's like. Wasn't expecting to be judged so horribly by someone who does not know me. Sorry I asked. Last time I was a member here, there wasn't so much judgement. Times have changed though, so I shouldn't be surprised.

You posted something for that people are going to have strong reactions. I have one to it. I'm not sure how you could expect everyone to agree with you. It sounded in your post as if you wanted real opinion, but your follow ups seem to say you only want those opinions that are the same as yours. If you are looking for that on any subject, then you are doomed to be disappointed. Posting about parenting and looking for 100% agreement is wanting something that will never happen.

Believe it or not, I'm trying to word all of this as nicely as possible. That is how upset your OP has made me. I can only imagine what goes through a trouble teenaged mind when told the rest of the family is taking a wonderful trip, but that you are not included.In essence, his is not worthy of going. It makes me want to cry for him.

You originally asked for peoples thoughts and opinions. You shouldn't be surprised that is what you got. You asked if you were "being a horrible parent". I'm sorry to say, but yes, I think you are. I don't think you should leave him behind.

 

[dizneepack]

...

 

[maxiesmom]

There are plenty of ways to give opinions without judging people. But some just aren't capable of doing that, I suppose. I wasn't asking everyone agree with me. I knew that wasn't the case. But in all honesty, how can someone who's never experienced it first hand even give an opinion? That's what I'm getting at. Wasn't trying to start a war against me. I guess I shouldn't even bring up that my husband and I went on a trip without all of our kids either. That's probably even worse. Or the fact that I'm taking my daughter on a 5 day trip without the other kids either. Just because it's Disney doesn't make it any different for the situation at hand.

None of those things are even remotely the same. Leaving only 1 child out is vastly different than taking a vacation with just your spouse. It doesn't matter that it is Disney. If you left one out of a trip to Yellowstone it would still be leaving one behind, still purposely excluding one. Leaving one out while taking the others is hurtful. No matter your reasons behind doing so.

As people were quick to post about other subjects on the Dis, you don't have first hand experience of something to know if you like it, or to know how it would make you feel. If I were in his place, I would be beyond hurt. And I'm an adult with many years experience handling my emotions. Not a troubled teenager.

 

[dizneepack]

...

 

[maxiesmom]

At least not in YOUR eyes. You obviously have more experience than everyone else. You're right.
Ok. You've made your point. I'm a horrible parent. I get it. No need to keep repeating how to be a REAL parent, such as yourself. Feel better now?
Some people just thrive on conflict and arguing. There's no changing that...You win.

You asked for opinions. They are all not going to be the same as yours. You asked if you were being, and I quote again, "a horrible parent". Rule #1 on the Dis (and on any message board really) is not not ask a question if you really don't want it answered. Please don't go the "Oh you are such a superior parent" route. It is silly. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. You asked for other's thoughts on the subject. I thought you really wanted opinions, at least at first I did. There is nothing to "win".

I'm sorry, but I think you are going to hurt your son horribly. I'm not going to tell you any differently. I truly hope you don't live to regret your decision.

 

[dizneepack]

...

 

[maxiesmom]

LOL. I said, you won. You're right. End of story. You couldn't just let that go? I'm not bored enough in my life to keep going on, sorry.

As I said, I hope you don't regret it. It is not about winning, but about taking up for your teenaged step son, who seems to be getting the short end. The fact that he has troubles to me says he needs you even more. What he doesn't need is to be cut out. But whatever. Enjoy your family trip -1.

 

[planningjollyholiday]

I think not bringing him will cause him to be resentful and only make things worse. It sounds like some good quality family time might be what he needs. As far as his poor grades, you are right that missing a week of school won't help the situation. However, keeping him in probably won't make a big difference either. It sounds like his poor grades have not happened over night, but is a result of many months of ill effort. I say get him a tutor to solve the grades problem, and bring him along for the vacation so he feels like an important part of the family and make some great memories.

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten."
-lilo and stitch

 

[robinb]

I also think it's a mistake to leave the teen son at home. I know the OP has said that he has been warned for years, but it seems that she booked the trip without sufficient warning to the son. Telling a kid he can't go on vacation until X, Y & Z happens years on end seems like an empty threat. Suddenly, it's not empty and the child is left with family while everyone else goes off and has a good time without him. I have to agree with maxiesmom that excluding your son from a family vacation, especially one he has asked about repeatedly, will hurt him terribly. OP, I wonder if you would be able to do the same to one of your biological kids?

 

[missbrooke06]

You know what? Maybe his consequence is that he doesn't graduate. He's going to blame you when he doesn't go on the trip. If he goes and doesn't graduate, that's his burden to bear.

Living life without a high school diploma might do more for his attitude than missing a trip.

 

[disney world dreamer]

its funny that you asked this today because my sister just decided to leave my teenage nephew home while the other 4 in the party go.

BUT its not because his grades or attitude its because it would be just a couple weeks after school starts and he is going into high school and he's worried about missing school and he would not be able to play football if he misses that amount of days to go on the trip.

he's staying at his house with their dog but will come to our house for dinner and will be in school during the day.

as for your specific situation i would not feel bad that you are not bringing him.
if he wanted to go he would have dropped the attitude and sought help for his bad grades.
maybe missing out on the trip will make him realize he needs to change his ways.
i'd also mention to him the consequences of not trying in school like that it will be difficult to find a job that pays well enough to live.
if you MIL freaks out on you then tell her to pay his way and her way as well so that when he's being nasty she can deal with him while the rest of you have fun.

i wouldn't actually leave him home ALONE though because he may see it as an opportunity to do worse things than he is doing while you're there.
like what if he skips school because you're not there to make him go?
i'd make him have a baby sitter.
that will show him that you aren't just giving him a vacation alone at home without supervision.

 

[DaniMoon]

I think it is completely reasonable to not take your son. It's not an easy decision, and I don't think you make it lightly. We had many of the same struggles with our son, who is now 21. We took him to Disney several times when he was younger. We didn't plan another trip til he had graduated and took his two much younger siblings. We did not ever plan to take him along, for several reasons, it was different for us as he was now an adult. But I can honestly say if we would have planned it when he was in high school he would not have taken him for many of the same reasons you listed. When we started planning he was ambivalent, then as it got closer he seemed to show some interested and I reminded him that we took him when he was younger and we weren't not going to do things just because of his attitude. In the end, he wasn't too fussed about it. Now we are planning to go and he's 21, there has been some growth and maturity on his part. Still has a ways to go, and I have hopes that he'll get there sooner rather than later.

It was hard, but we also finally decided that the reason we weren't doing things was because of him and his behavior and his attitude and how is that fair to the rest of the family. He has supervision while you are gone, go and enjoy yourself. And just because he is not going this time, doesn't mean you can't enjoy a trip with him in the future.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

This is like hearing one side of a phone conversation.

 

[robinb]

This is like hearing one side of a phone conversation.

And NONE of us followed "the rule" .