20041218-cruise-friends-memories Part 4
- Thread starter justmestace
- Start date
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For those of you still shopping for cruise wear:
A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"
The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldnt you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"
A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"
The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldnt you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"
If Operating Systems were Airlines
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off....
MacAirways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of lear jets the carrier operates is immense, Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, and 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be that Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight system.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in an outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but *all* of them believe they arrived.
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off....
MacAirways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of lear jets the carrier operates is immense, Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, and 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be that Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight system.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in an outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but *all* of them believe they arrived.
SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE
** You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
** Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
** The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
** When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
** The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
** You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
** No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
** You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
** All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
** You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
** Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
** The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
** When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
** The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
** You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
** No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
** You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
** All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!''
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver is totally shocked. ''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.''
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming, "Stop!"
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em!''
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver is totally shocked. ''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.''
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming, "Stop!"
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em!''
Signs seen around the world:
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSEDRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSEDRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Three travelers, a Russian, an Egyptian and an American were
circumnavigating the globe in a balloon. The Russian put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the Egyptian put his hand through the clouds.
"Aaah! We're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York City."
The Russian and the Egyptian were amazed. "How do you know that so accurately?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
circumnavigating the globe in a balloon. The Russian put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the Egyptian put his hand through the clouds.
"Aaah! We're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York City."
The Russian and the Egyptian were amazed. "How do you know that so accurately?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
Top 10 signs you are travelling too much
10. You forget where your car is parked at the airport. You're not even sure which airport.
9. The airline frequently upgrades you to "co-pilot".
8. You dial 9 even when you're at home.
7. The staff at the Marriott think you work there.
6. Your love life has gone from phone sex to fax sex.
5. You know the best restaurants in cities most people can't even
spell.
4. Your picture appears on milk cartons.
3. You have conjugal visits with your wife at the airport.
2. When you return home your children ask you how long you'll
be visiting.
1. Your frequent flyer level enables you to take the plane wherever you like as long as you return with a full tank of gas.
10. You forget where your car is parked at the airport. You're not even sure which airport.
9. The airline frequently upgrades you to "co-pilot".
8. You dial 9 even when you're at home.
7. The staff at the Marriott think you work there.
6. Your love life has gone from phone sex to fax sex.
5. You know the best restaurants in cities most people can't even
spell.
4. Your picture appears on milk cartons.
3. You have conjugal visits with your wife at the airport.
2. When you return home your children ask you how long you'll
be visiting.
1. Your frequent flyer level enables you to take the plane wherever you like as long as you return with a full tank of gas.
This one's for you Virgil....
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She said, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She said, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
DW4US
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2004
- Messages
- 270
Here's my guesses on the formal, semi-formal and Pirate night ---
Monday - Formal Night
Wednesday - Pirate Night
Sunday - Semi- Formal
I don't think they will put the formal nights on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because they are shore days and traditionally they are always on sea days ---- anybody else have any ideas?
Also, a girls night out sounds fun --- what do we do with the DH's?
Monday - Formal Night
Wednesday - Pirate Night
Sunday - Semi- Formal
I don't think they will put the formal nights on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because they are shore days and traditionally they are always on sea days ---- anybody else have any ideas?
Also, a girls night out sounds fun --- what do we do with the DH's?
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