1 Year after a relatives wedding & still no thank you...WWYD?

[Nancyg56]

The replies really run the extreme. I'm surprised. It seems like the OP is getting a lot of heat for expecting a thank you, (which *I* think is still the norm), and the receiver of the gift is given a free pass. The world is upside down. Get showered with gifts and don't acknowledge them, that's a pretty good deal! Kind of like the song title, "Money for Nothing".

People spend their time and money for a gift. There is nothing petty about expecting the gift giver to acknowledge personally (I think a phone call is fine), that they received the gift. I know in some instances people have called to find out if a gift was received because it was expensive (cash, large gift) and wanted to locate it if not.

This is what surprised me as well. As I have posted I don"t get my bloomers in a bunch if I do not get a thank you for a gift but I do notice. I do think that once we let go of manners in one area we hould be prepared to let them go in another. What is the next acceptable lack of manners? How about RSVP. Many do not bother to respond to invitations either. Many are used to "regrets only" and will respond only if they choose to go to the event. Those folks all have theor reasons for not responding, will that be the next area in which we slide?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Huh, I thought the whole point of a Thank You note was to say thank you.

I am beginning to get the impression that the point is to avoid scorn...

 

[jrmasm]

I am beginning to get the impression that the point is to avoid scorn...

I believe that has become the point. And make darn sure to hand write, hand address, personalize, and hand deliver in under 24 hours after the event.

 

[disykat]

I believe that has become the point. And make darn sure to hand write, hand address, personalize, and hand deliver in under 24 hours after the event.

I'm not sure where you are getting that from this thread. People here really seem to just want to know it was received.

It is not scornful to notice you gave a gift and have no idea whether it was received. I still think it would be odd NOT to notice that. If you care enough to give a gift in the first place, don't you care if it was received?

 

[Scurvy]

I am beginning to get the impression that the point is to avoid scorn...

Or maybe it's just to show appreciation for the fact that someone gave of their time (not to mention their budget) to give you a gift, and to let them know that you are thankful for receiving it.

 

[cheermom1]

I believe that has become the point. And make darn sure to hand write, hand address, personalize, and hand deliver in under 24 hours after the event.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I'm not sure where you are getting that from this thread. People here really seem to just want to know it was received...

Oh, come on. You really believe that?

 

[KiminChicago]

I wonder if this is a generational thing? DH and I were older when we first met (34 years old) and we didn't date very long (3 months) before we got engaged. I met most of DH's relatives at the bridal shower the month before our wedding. I made sure that everyone got a thank you note because that was going to be their first impression of me. My DMIL told me later that she had heard from a lot of DH's relatives afterwards, letting her know that they had received such lovely thank you notes and also letting her know that she was getting a lovely DIL. It certainly helped to make my welcome into the family that much smoother.

So yes, sometimes a thank you note is more than just a thank you note!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Or maybe it's just to show appreciation for the fact that someone gave of their time (not to mention their budget) to give you a gift, and to let them know that you are thankful for receiving it.

Yeah, like I said, avoid scorn...

 

[njcarita]

In my family thank-you notes are not the norm. There is only one cousin who sent out thank you cards after her wedding. All my mom kept saying was, "what a waste of money to send them out. She already said thank you when I gave her the gift, why does she need to send a card."

we must be related............I never heard of thank you cards till I was grown up.....I bet it was started by Hallmark as a way to boost sales........ I have a very large extended family and we have never sent or recieved thank you cards normally ........ we call ob the phone to say thanks or we thank the person when they hand us the gift......

 

[cheermom1]

we must be related............I never heard of thank you cards till I was grown up.....I bet it was started by Hallmark as a way to boost sales........ I have a very large extended family and we have never sent or recieved thank you cards normally ........ we call ob the phone to say thanks or we thank the person when they hand us the gift......

yep same here. i told everyone thanks when they gave me the gift...here is one for you. my fil always sends the kids their gifts by mail and he will CALL to make sure it got here!!! b/c if he didn't call or let us know how were we to know he sent a gift???

this is what I have been trying to say...what if this girl never got the gift? or what if she didn't realize she didn't say thank you I mean there are so many different things that could have happened and i wouldn't consider a call or something to ask about the gift rude...

 

[Scurvy]

Yeah, like I said, avoid scorn...

Oh. . . well, that's sad. If that's why someone is thanking me for a gift then I'd rather they didn't thank me so I'll know not to give them things in the future. I thank people (in writing, in a call, or in person) because I'm truly grateful when someone thinks of me and uses their time or money to give me a gift, and I would hope that's why most people do it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Oh. . . well, that's sad. If that's why someone is thanking me for a gift then I'd rather they didn't thank me so I'll know not to give them things in the future. I thank people (in writing, in a call, or in person) because I'm truly grateful when someone thinks of me and uses their time or money to give me a gift, and I would hope that's why most people do it.

Your tone suggested that you would be upset if someone failed to thank you as you deem appropriate. That is where the "scorn" comes into play.

 

[horseshowmom]

my fil always sends the kids their gifts by mail and he will CALL to make sure it got here!!! b/c if he didn't call or let us know how were we to know he sent a gift???

No disrespect intended at all, but I'm curious as to how often the gifts are lost in the mail? Otherwise, I would assume that you knew he sent it when you received it. The fact that he's having to call and check makes it sound like that's the only way he has of finding out.

My parents are retired in Florida and has mentioned that this topic comes up regularly with their retired friends who send gifts to their grandchildren. Several (many) of them have quit sending gifts at all. They feel like their efforts are totally unappreciated. My daughter for the most part sends thank you notes (or makes phone calls to thank them at the very least). I have some other family members who don't do the same and have heard their grandparents comment that they didn't feel their gifts (meaning their time, money, and consideration) were not appreciated.

Oh. . . well, that's sad. If that's why someone is thanking me for a gift then I'd rather they didn't thank me so I'll know not to give them things in the future. I thank people (in writing, in a call, or in person) because I'm truly grateful when someone thinks of me and uses their time or money to give me a gift, and I would hope that's why most people do it.

You know, this reminds me of a girl that I know who recently got married. She had 12 (yes TWELVE) showers but was heard to comment several times that she didn't have time to write those pesky thank you notes (after all, according to her she had at least a year after the wedding to do it ). Funny, she had time to go to all those pesky showers...

 

[Scurvy]

yep same here. i told everyone thanks when they gave me the gift...here is one for you. my fil always sends the kids their gifts by mail and he will CALL to make sure it got here!!! b/c if he didn't call or let us know how were we to know he sent a gift???

this is what I have been trying to say...what if this girl never got the gift? or what if she didn't realize she didn't say thank you I mean there are so many different things that could have happened and i wouldn't consider a call or something to ask about the gift rude...

. . . but if you thanked him as soon as you got the gift, he wouldn't have to call to be sure it got there. I know, you probably do thank him when you receive things and he only has to call when something has gone astray. That's how it ought to work - the giver of a gift shouldn't have to remind the recipient to acknowledge receiving it, they should only have to ask about gifts that never arrive.

Maybe the girl never got the wedding gift, but we know she got the baby gifts and though she supposedly sent an email the OP never got it - which leads me to wonder if she actually sent an email at all. It sounds to me more like this person just doesn't thank people for gifts. I'd be interested to hear whether the OP has given her other gifts over the years and if the girl has ever actually thanked her. I also wonder if the OP has gotten any other emails from the girl (which would mean that she does have the correct email address and doesn't get caught in the spam filter). A couple of mistakes during a very busy time in her life might be understandable, but a lifetime pattern of not being grateful is not.

 

[Scurvy]

Your tone suggested that you would be upset if someone failed to thank you as you deem appropriate. That is where the "scorn" comes into play.

What did my tone suggest that I would find appropriate?

 

[Ember]

Your tone suggested that you would be upset if someone failed to thank you as you deem appropriate. That is where the "scorn" comes into play.

You mean the appropriate response of two words upon receiving a gift? People are trying to be up in arms about written thank you notes. But not one person on this thread has said that a written thank you was the only acceptable form. In fact, it has been said over and over by numerous posters that the form the thank you comes isn't what's important. It's that it comes in some form rather than being omitted entirely. It could be said in person when the gift is received. Or if the giver is not there when the gift is received that a thank you goes out in some form to both acknowledge getting the gift and and to show appreciation for it.

This is not unreasonable, nor is it worthy of scorn.

I honestly can not believe that we are having such a lengthy discussion on the issue of it being okay to not thank someone for a gift. I really can't. I knew manners were flying out the window with many people as we become more entitled, but this really does go to show how far we've gone.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

What did my tone suggest that I would find appropriate?

LOL - that you have clearly reserved for your own judgement...

 

[Scurvy]

You mean the appropriate response of two words upon receiving a gift? People are trying to be up in arms about written thank you notes. But not one person on this thread has said that a written thank you was the only acceptable form. In fact, it has been said over and over by numerous posters that the form the thank you comes isn't what's important. It's that it comes in some form rather than being omitted entirely. It could be said in person when the gift is received. Or if the giver is not there when the gift is received that a thank you goes out in some form to both acknowledge getting the gift and and to show appreciation for it.

This is not unreasonable, nor is it worthy of scorn.

Thank you. You said it far better than I could.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I honestly can not believe that we are having such a lengthy discussion on the issue of it being okay to not thank someone for a gift. I really can't. I knew manners were flying out the window with many people as we become more entitled, but this really does go to show how far we've gone.

So, what is worse, not saying thank you for a gift or noticing that a person didn't say thank you for a gift? IMO, they are equally offensive...