what to tell Matron of Honor?

[design_mom]

Of course the amount has to do with your relationship, even in the tri-state area. I'd give more to my nephew than a co-worker, regardless of the venue. I think most people have an average starting price point for gifts for different celebrations (birthdays, religious sacraments, anniversaries, showers), and then personalize the amount based on your relationship with the person. I'm guessing you are probably giving more than $5, less than $500? That you usually give a particular amount to nieces/nephews?

Clearly, I must still be confused on the concept of cover your plate then. (I would take this to PM, but I can't figure out how to do it in the new board format. Feel free to PM me if you know how. I truly am curious -- not trying to put down one way or the other.)

This poster (whom I quoted in the post of mine that you quoted) seemed to imply that in areas where weddings are simpler, gifts are usually less expensive, so we're probably "covering our plates" too and that nobody would give $250/couple to attend a church hall wedding. This is the post:

I really am not trying to get this thread off topic but people keep bringing up the "pay for your plate" concept.

For those used to much more simple weddings, you too are probably effectively paying for your plate. The bride and groom may be spending substantially less to host the event (say in a church hall with no alcohol than an catered 4 course sit down meal with open bar and live band) but the value of the gift seem to go down dramatically as well. It isn't like many people give $250/couple to attend a wedding in a church hall, at least from what I keep reading here.

I agree with you that everyone has a starting point for a wedding gift, and your starting point might be higher than mine based on the customs of where you live. (Around here, $250 would be a very generous wedding gift.) But it's my understanding from these threads that people "have an idea" how much each venue costs and adjust their gift accordingly. So I guess my question is this: If your starting point for a gift for a co-worker is $X and you found out that your co-workers wedding was going to be at a more lavish than usual venue, or was going to have an extra-great menu, etc. would you adjust your gift to a higher amount? Conversely, if you found out that your coworker was having a very modest wedding (substantially less than average for your area), would you still give that coworker the same amount that you gave to a previous coworker? If you were invited to a wedding here in the Midwest and chose to attend, would you give less than you'd give for a typical wedding in your area (especially if you had to travel expenses for both weddings)?

I can definitely see how people all over the country probably give a little more to family members... but if your two nephews (or in my case, first-cousins-once-removed) had dramatically different weddings (one more lavish than average, one less lavish than average) would you give them the same amount?

I am really not trying to be obnoxious or say your traditions are inappropriate or that mine are better. I am really trying to understand. Except for close relatives, I usually don't have enough insight into the wedding plans to even guess what would cover my plate. Looking back on my wedding, which included dinner and dancing but was not fancy by any means, most people (especially families) did not cover their plates with their gifts.

 

[BabyGirl09]

I am a maid of honor who is hosting a shower in August, so this one hit home to me! For our group (in the Northeast), the MOB is paying. She offered on her own, and though it was certainly not the expectation of me or the bridesmaids, it was greatly appreciated. I immediately suggested that she host if she's paying, and she requested not to because of, as others have put it, the "gift grab" mentality (it's also bad luck, apparently? I don't know).

The bride is in Manhattan, so no one she knows has a home that is large enough to host 25 people (the size of the shower). It is necessarily going to be at a venue (in our case, a tea room).

My point of all this is...if you communicate with each other, thank each other when you receive help, and don't have expectations based on etiquette, or local norms, or anything else, there are ways to negotiate these things that make everyone happy. Maybe the way we're doing it is tacky, maybe it's rude...but no one is stressed out, no one feels like their wallet is being stretched too thin, and, most importantly, the bride is happy.

OP, talk to the MOH, or to your daughter, and let them know what you can afford. Say it in a kind way (I have no doubt you will), and thank them where appropriate. I bet they'll be understanding.

 

[bethy]

RIGHT? The first time I heard that, I wished I'd heard it long before. It's easier on guests for travel, as well. And it's even simpler now with online gift registries. Best piece of etiquette I've ever heard.

This has been an old school etiquette rule for decades. Think of movies you've seen where there are tables in the brides home where gifts are laid out before the wedding. And yes today in the modern day it makes things super convenient.

 

[NewRVLady]

In our area/region/whatever you want to call it, it is customary for 2-3 ladies of the church to host a shower for the bride, &, typically (as it was the case in both of my showers), the guests are the other ladies & girls from the church. So I had 2 church showers - one at the church where I grew up & one at the church where my DH grew up. Both were in the fellowship hall of each church, & cake, nuts, mints, & punch were served.

I am guessing that no alcohol is part of the having it at the Church hall?

Many of these nicer sit down events includes alcohol and that can drive up the costs
I am from the South and used to showers in homes-hosted by aunts or friends

My younger son moved up North- and had a new York State Italian shower & wedding-so now I can see how a different area does it-and I love the differences!
Doesn't make it wrong or incorrect -and it irks me how many HERE have blinders on and keep judging others who do things differently

 

[Goofy'slady]

Folks and their dealing with weddings!

I've never heard of the MOTB paying for the shower or coughing up a ton of money for the blessed event. I always thought it was a party given by family and friends but primarily the bridal party. I've been in a few weddings and I've helped throw some of the showers associated with those said weddings and I never remember the mum sending money our way. (I mean it would have been nice as we all were fairly young and broke - one I was just 18yrs of age so....)

My niece just married this past Memorial weekend and her shower was paid for by her bridal party. I take that back my sister and her husband did pay for the venue where it was held and of course brought a gift for their daughter but that was it. Everything from food, decor, favors and anything else was handled by the bridal party. Now, my niece did have a bridal party of 9 girls and to my knowledge all of them were working girls so the burden was a bit easier due to the large number of wallets contributing. It was extremely nice. They had a simple menu of wonderful luncheon foods, a wine bar and dessert bar but nothing over the top. there was a professional photographer (the brides father, my brother in law) Favors were handed out to guest and games were played. They even had a power point presentation that we all enjoyed. The guest list I think topped out at 50 guest, reasonable by today's standards.

My sister had told me that she purposely wasn't spending a ton of money on the shower simply because the wedding was costing her and her husband a fortune and they had to resume their "normal" lives after the wedding was done. Everything from the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner to the wedding itself was lovely.

 

[morgan98]

Clearly, I must still be confused on the concept of cover your plate then. (I would take this to PM, but I can't figure out how to do it in the new board format. Feel free to PM me if you know how. I truly am curious -- not trying to put down one way or the other.)

This poster (whom I quoted in the post of mine that you quoted) seemed to imply that in areas where weddings are simpler, gifts are usually less expensive, so we're probably "covering our plates" too and that nobody would give $250/couple to attend a church hall wedding. This is the post:

​

I agree with you that everyone has a starting point for a wedding gift, and your starting point might be higher than mine based on the customs of where you live. (Around here, $250 would be a very generous wedding gift.) But it's my understanding from these threads that people "have an idea" how much each venue costs and adjust their gift accordingly. So I guess my question is this: If your starting point for a gift for a co-worker is $X and you found out that your co-workers wedding was going to be at a more lavish than usual venue, or was going to have an extra-great menu, etc. would you adjust your gift to a higher amount? Conversely, if you found out that your coworker was having a very modest wedding (substantially less than average for your area), would you still give that coworker the same amount that you gave to a previous coworker? If you were invited to a wedding here in the Midwest and chose to attend, would you give less than you'd give for a typical wedding in your area (especially if you had to travel expenses for both weddings)?

I can definitely see how people all over the country probably give a little more to family members... but if your two nephews (or in my case, first-cousins-once-removed) had dramatically different weddings (one more lavish than average, one less lavish than average) would you give them the same amount?

I am really not trying to be obnoxious or say your traditions are inappropriate or that mine are better. I am really trying to understand. Except for close relatives, I usually don't have enough insight into the wedding plans to even guess what would cover my plate. Looking back on my wedding, which included dinner and dancing but was not fancy by any means, most people (especially families) did not cover their plates with their gifts.

These really are not my traditions, but I have lived in both rural areas (Northern Indiana, Southern Michigan)and in cities (Chicago and now Atlanta) and these have been my observations. The answer is no, I do not alter my gift based on the venue of the wedding. But in my experience, unless you are close to the bride and groom, the base value of the gift is usually different between the two types of weddings.

As I said before, I am also used to Italian wedding traditions since my mother was born in Italy and my husband who is a dual citizen (Italy-US). So my perspective is skewed because of this as well.

Personally I give based on relationship, however, I do think a component of this is socio-economic as well. I am being honest here, and not trying to sound snobby, but I would not give anyone under $200 for a wedding gift. You can think that is outrageous or crazy, but you asked and I am telling you. I have also given substantially more where the relationship is closer. I also do not reduce the gift for travel costs. If travel is to big of a burden, I would stay home and send a gift and save the travel expense.

I really do think people are misunderstanding this cover your plate thing. No matter who goes to a wedding, somehow one judges what an appropriate gift would be and gives accordingly.

Also, I don't think it is hard to have a general idea of what catered events cost in your area. I think you can tell by venue, type of wedding, time of day, dress (black tie vs. not) what the general cost is.

Maybe someone else can chime in and help me explain this better? I feel like I am rambling.

 

[pryncess527]

Clearly, I must still be confused on the concept of cover your plate then. (I would take this to PM, but I can't figure out how to do it in the new board format. Feel free to PM me if you know how. I truly am curious -- not trying to put down one way or the other.)

This poster (whom I quoted in the post of mine that you quoted) seemed to imply that in areas where weddings are simpler, gifts are usually less expensive, so we're probably "covering our plates" too and that nobody would give $250/couple to attend a church hall wedding. This is the post:

​

I agree with you that everyone has a starting point for a wedding gift, and your starting point might be higher than mine based on the customs of where you live. (Around here, $250 would be a very generous wedding gift.) But it's my understanding from these threads that people "have an idea" how much each venue costs and adjust their gift accordingly. So I guess my question is this: If your starting point for a gift for a co-worker is $X and you found out that your co-workers wedding was going to be at a more lavish than usual venue, or was going to have an extra-great menu, etc. would you adjust your gift to a higher amount? Conversely, if you found out that your coworker was having a very modest wedding (substantially less than average for your area), would you still give that coworker the same amount that you gave to a previous coworker? If you were invited to a wedding here in the Midwest and chose to attend, would you give less than you'd give for a typical wedding in your area (especially if you had to travel expenses for both weddings)?

I can definitely see how people all over the country probably give a little more to family members... but if your two nephews (or in my case, first-cousins-once-removed) had dramatically different weddings (one more lavish than average, one less lavish than average) would you give them the same amount?

I am really not trying to be obnoxious or say your traditions are inappropriate or that mine are better. I am really trying to understand. Except for close relatives, I usually don't have enough insight into the wedding plans to even guess what would cover my plate. Looking back on my wedding, which included dinner and dancing but was not fancy by any means, most people (especially families) did not cover their plates with their gifts.

This is always what has baffled me about the cover your plate rule too. And I've never gotten a clear explanation.

All I know is that I would have been HORRIFIED if my guests thought for one second that they needed to buy me a more expensive gift than they otherwise would have because of the location/menu/etc choices that I made.

 

[mjkacmom]

Looks like things have changed:

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/new-times-new-traditions/129-who-can-host-a-shower

As for cover your plate, yes, as a guest I might give a little more if it was a more expensive venue (but not less than my norm if it were at a less expensive venue). I do the same for other occasions, as well. Birthday party (for a close friend) at the rock climbing place? I'm giving $30 instead of $25 (still won't cover my child's plate). Not a valse friend? Nope. Folks here just give higher amounts as gifts. If the couple is just starting out, most likely the wedding gifts might help fund a future down payment of a house, which is probably close to $80,000 or so.

I thnk we only gave DH's cousin $150 when we attended his western MA backyard wedding, only because I knew wedding traditions were different there, and I think we split the difference.

 

[morgan98]

This is always what has baffled me about the cover your plate rule too. And I've never gotten a clear explanation.

All I know is that I would have been HORRIFIED if my guests thought for one second that they needed to buy me a more expensive gift than they otherwise would have because of the location/menu/etc choices that I made.

Again, I don't know where you are getting the idea about it being a rule. As I said, in my experience people who are used to going to more lavish weddings seem to also be used to giving more lavish gifts, so it kind of works itself out. And if you are not normally from the area where more lavish weddings are thrown, the bride and groom will be happy with whatever gift you give.

I know I have never said in any thread that the bride and groom are offended if you don't give a certain amount or expect a certain amount. That seems to be something posters somehow interpret from various threads.

 

[smiths02]

These really are not my traditions, but I have lived in both rural areas (Northern Indiana, Southern Michigan)and in cities (Chicago and now Atlanta) and these have been my observations. The answer is no, I do not alter my gift based on the venue of the wedding. But in my experience, unless you are close to the bride and groom, the base value of the gift is usually different between the two types of weddings.

As I said before, I am also used to Italian wedding traditions since my mother was born in Italy and my husband who is a dual citizen (Italy-US). So my perspective is skewed because of this as well.

Personally I give based on relationship, however, I do think a component of this is socio-economic as well. I am being honest here, and not trying to sound snobby, but I would not give anyone under $200 for a wedding gift. You can think that is outrageous or crazy, but you asked and I am telling you. I have also given substantially more where the relationship is closer. I also do not reduce the gift for travel costs. If travel is to big of a burden, I would stay home and send a gift and save the travel expense.

I really do think people are misunderstanding this cover your plate thing. No matter who goes to a wedding, somehow one judges what an appropriate gift would be and gives accordingly.

Also, I don't think it is hard to have a general idea of what catered events cost in your area. I think you can tell by venue, type of wedding, time of day, dress (black tie vs. not) what the general cost is.

Maybe someone else can chime in and help me explain this better? I feel like I am rambling.

I understand where you are coming from. I'm not judging you. I understand that this is how it works generally nowadays.

In my world, though, a wedding is thrown to share the love of two people and celebrate, not for gifts. You invite people because you want to share your day with them. So it makes me sad to think that people I know who have less money would sit home rather than attend my special day and celebrate with me because they would be embarrassed to not give me $200. In the end, we eloped because we didn't really have money for a wedding, my mom didn't have money, and all of my friends would have had to travel and spend money they did not have.

 

[pryncess527]

Again, I don't know where you are getting the idea about it being a rule. As I said, in my experience people who are used to going to more lavish weddings seem to also be used to giving more lavish gifts, so it kind of works itself out. And if you are not normally from the area where more lavish weddings are thrown, the bride and groom will be happy with whatever gift you give.

I know I have never said in any thread that the bride and groom are offended if you don't give a certain amount or expect a certain amount. That seems to be something posters somehow interpret from various threads.

And I was merely trying to say that has not been my experience at all. You stated --

For those used to much more simple weddings, you too are probably effectively paying for your plate. The bride and groom may be spending substantially less to host the event (say in a church hall with no alcohol than an catered 4 course sit down meal with open bar and live band) but the value of the gift seem to go down dramatically as well.

-- but I am not used to any one type of wedding -- I have been invited to everything from a full sit down 6 course meal (which was in line with what I had) and a simple backyard BBQ. In neither case did the cost of the decisions the couple made impact how much I spent on their gift. And I hope that none of my guests felt pressure to spend more than usual simply because I'm a foodie and made expensive meal choices.

You may not think it is a rule, but I have often seen it said that a guest should consider the location, would know roughly what that costs, and should take that into account. If, as a guest, you want to do that I guess it's fine, but as a bride I'd be horrified to think I put my guests in that position. I did not make expensive choices to get better gifts.

 

[Wendy31]

Clearly, I must still be confused on the concept of cover your plate then. (I would take this to PM, but I can't figure out how to do it in the new board format. Feel free to PM me if you know how. I truly am curious -- not trying to put down one way or the other.)

This poster (whom I quoted in the post of mine that you quoted) seemed to imply that in areas where weddings are simpler, gifts are usually less expensive, so we're probably "covering our plates" too and that nobody would give $250/couple to attend a church hall wedding. This is the post:

​

I agree with you that everyone has a starting point for a wedding gift, and your starting point might be higher than mine based on the customs of where you live. (Around here, $250 would be a very generous wedding gift.) But it's my understanding from these threads that people "have an idea" how much each venue costs and adjust their gift accordingly. So I guess my question is this: If your starting point for a gift for a co-worker is $X and you found out that your co-workers wedding was going to be at a more lavish than usual venue, or was going to have an extra-great menu, etc. would you adjust your gift to a higher amount? Conversely, if you found out that your coworker was having a very modest wedding (substantially less than average for your area), would you still give that coworker the same amount that you gave to a previous coworker? If you were invited to a wedding here in the Midwest and chose to attend, would you give less than you'd give for a typical wedding in your area (especially if you had to travel expenses for both weddings)?

I can definitely see how people all over the country probably give a little more to family members... but if your two nephews (or in my case, first-cousins-once-removed) had dramatically different weddings (one more lavish than average, one less lavish than average) would you give them the same amount?

I am really not trying to be obnoxious or say your traditions are inappropriate or that mine are better. I am really trying to understand. Except for close relatives, I usually don't have enough insight into the wedding plans to even guess what would cover my plate. Looking back on my wedding, which included dinner and dancing but was not fancy by any means, most people (especially families) did not cover their plates with their gifts.

This is always what has baffled me about the cover your plate rule too. And I've never gotten a clear explanation.

All I know is that I would have been HORRIFIED if my guests thought for one second that they needed to buy me a more expensive gift than they otherwise would have because of the location/menu/etc choices that I made.

I was wondering this as well & agree.

I've been to many weddings over the years & many different receptions - the banquet room of a restaurant, at a country club, at a historic location, in a converted mansion, in a ballroom, in a barn, in a church fellowship hall, in a pavilion at a lake, etc. And we've never considered the venue or menu when deciding what our wedding gift will be. I've been to receptions where alcohol was served & receptions where it wasn't. The family member whose reception was in a barn received the same gift amount as the family member whose reception was in a converted mansion. The friend whose reception was in a church fellowship hall got the same gift amount as the friend whose reception was at the historic location. I'm happy to be invited to the wedding & reception & excited to share in my family member's or friend's day & don't consider the venue at all beyond the fact that some are prettier/more exciting/more interesting than others. We give a gift because we're happy for the bride & groom, & the amount of our gift is reflected by our relationship to the bride & groom.

Years ago at my wedding, an elderly lady from my church gave me a small silver relish fork. I found out later that that's what her gift was for weddings - she couldn't afford a purchased gift or a monetary gift, so, piece by piece, she was giving pieces of her silver to brides from the church. I had a friend who received a silver sugar spoon. 20 years later, I still have that relish fork, & I cherish the love & good wishes that came w/ it. I would have hated for her not to have attended my wedding because she felt like she couldn't afford a "real gift".

I'd never even heard of the "pay your plate" concept until the DIS. I apologize if I'm misunderstanding how it works but, every time a wedding post comes up, it's discussed.

I've hosted tons of different birthday parties for our 3 children - some of them have cost more than others. I would never expect our guests to give my children a more expensive birthday gift because the party is at a children's museum (& I've paid x amount of dollars/child) instead of in our playroom at home.

 

[design_mom]

These really are not my traditions, but I have lived in both rural areas (Northern Indiana, Southern Michigan)and in cities (Chicago and now Atlanta) and these have been my observations. The answer is no, I do not alter my gift based on the venue of the wedding. But in my experience, unless you are close to the bride and groom, the base value of the gift is usually different between the two types of weddings.

As I said before, I am also used to Italian wedding traditions since my mother was born in Italy and my husband who is a dual citizen (Italy-US). So my perspective is skewed because of this as well.

Personally I give based on relationship, however, I do think a component of this is socio-economic as well. I am being honest here, and not trying to sound snobby, but I would not give anyone under $200 for a wedding gift. You can think that is outrageous or crazy, but you asked and I am telling you. I have also given substantially more where the relationship is closer. I also do not reduce the gift for travel costs. If travel is to big of a burden, I would stay home and send a gift and save the travel expense.

I really do think people are misunderstanding this cover your plate thing. No matter who goes to a wedding, somehow one judges what an appropriate gift would be and gives accordingly.

Also, I don't think it is hard to have a general idea of what catered events cost in your area. I think you can tell by venue, type of wedding, time of day, dress (black tie vs. not) what the general cost is.

Maybe someone else can chime in and help me explain this better? I feel like I am rambling.

Bolded 1: I do not think I asked how much you'd give... only if the gift is dependent on how lavish the wedding is. If I did ask, I apologize, because to me that would be a personal question and an inappropriate thing to ask a stranger.

Bolded 2: How? I have no idea how much catered meals cost at most places, and I think I've only been to a "repeat venue" for one or two weddings. The wedding we're attending next month is not very close to us (closer to bride's family). The venue's website looks like it's a beautiful place, and the shower was fancier than I'm used to so I'm guessing it's going to be a "nice wedding." But the venue has multiple rooms for rent (some larger some smaller, some waterfront some not.) I have no idea which one we're in. I have no idea what kind of food is being served (baked chicken vs. prime rib?) I do not know if it's a cash bar or hosted. (I'm guessing hosted, since that's common in our family, but cash bars are not uncommon around here. I won't be drinking anyhow, so I don't really care.) I will not know any of these things until I get there, unless I call my cousin and ask and, frankly, that seems kind of inappropriate.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

This has been an old school etiquette rule for decades. Think of movies you've seen where there are tables in the brides home where gifts are laid out before the wedding. And yes today in the modern day it makes things super convenient.

Oh, but I was raised by wolves, you see.

 

[EMom]

And some of these weddings I've seen are gorgeous! I'm a particular fan of the Viennese Table & wish that particular tradition would be picked up in the South!

We have the Groom's Cake! I watch wedding shows on TV where they only have the (bride's) wedding cake and think how cheated they are to be denied the groom's cake too!

 

[morgan98]

I understand where you are coming from. I'm not judging you. I understand that this is how it works generally nowadays.

In my world, though, a wedding is thrown to share the love of two people and celebrate, not for gifts. You invite people because you want to share your day with them. So it makes me sad to think that people I know who have less money would sit home rather than attend my special day and celebrate with me because they would be embarrassed to not give me $200. In the end, we eloped because we didn't really have money for a wedding, my mom didn't have money, and all of my friends would have had to travel and spend money they did not have.

I really am trying to be respectful, but I really think you are personalizing and reading too much into this. I never said you should not attend a wedding if you cannot afford to give $200 and I do not know a bride who would say such a thing. I said that is what I have set for my minimum based on where my husband and I are now financially and the weddings we are invited to. For the record, I had a fairly modest first wedding and eloped (courthouse) the second time, not for financial purposes, but just to avoid the drama of a full blown wedding.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I know why the MOB is not supposed to host the bridal shower but if the invitation is states it's from the bridal party, how would anyone ever know who paid for what? Do people actually discuss these types of things with people outside the planning circle? I have been to showers at people's homes, in restaurants, hotel banquet rooms and catering halls with the number of guests ranging from 8 to 200. Except for the two I partially paid for, I have no idea who paid for what.

This is always what has baffled me about the cover your plate rule too. And I've never gotten a clear explanation.

All I know is that I would have been HORRIFIED if my guests thought for one second that they needed to buy me a more expensive gift than they otherwise would have because of the location/menu/etc choices that I made.

It's not a rule it's a tool some guests use when deciding how much to give the couple as a gift. The thought being the guest wants to cover the (approx) cost of their plate then add a little extra as gift. It's all an estimate because there's no way to know how much the couple is paying per person but if you're local you have a general idea of what the going rate may be based on the location, reputation, etc. Just like people who dine in Disney frequently know that in general California Grill is going to more than the Captain's Grill. I am sure there are bride & groom-zillas who do expect to have guests cover their plate, but for the most part this is something the guests decide on their own.

 

[meowser]

Also, I don't think it is hard to have a general idea of what catered events cost in your area. I think you can tell by venue, type of wedding, time of day, dress (black tie vs. not) what the general cost is.

Honestly, nope. I have no idea. I've never researched catering at all for any event where I live. No clue. Yep, can can guess as to more and less expensive than average based on those facts. But I have NO clue as to any absolute numbers.

 

[sharona]

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but isn't tradition for the bridesmaids/MOH to throw the shower? In other words, they foot the bill? I've been a bridesmaid twice and a MOH once, and this is how we've always done it. The mother and mother in law didn't contribute financially, but they did make food and baskets for door prizes. The bride also should never contribute OR have a say in the planning - a shower is meant to be put on for you and to "shower" the bride with gifts. The bridesmaids and MOH should plan a shower that fits all the girls' budgets. We had ours at a lovely park lodge, we all made dishes and ordered a sub tray, and we all made baskets as giveaways and I think we each spent about $200.

I was always taught and thought that the mother of the bride hosting the shower was a no-no. The theory is that the bride's parents have traditionally paid for the wedding (as the hosts) and that the mother of the bride throwing the shower was like hosting a gift grab. Normally, an aunt, or the bridemaids pick up the shower costs.

I agree with each of these 100%

OP - I'm from the Northeast also and have never heard of the MOB paying for the shower, it is my understanding that it's always the bridesmaids who host and pay. Yes, many showers here seem to include all of the female wedding guests but that isn't a must. If your DD's bridesmaids want to host something just for good friends and close relatives, they certainly can choose to do so. I have only been a bridesmaid twice and we "threw" the shower both times with limited input from the MOB but definitely not any financial contribution. One MOB supplied the cake because her sister had a side business making them. The only time I've seen the MOB involved in hosting the shower was for a friend's wedding who had only a MOH, no bridesmaids and the MOH was her sister who had 3 kids so the MOB hosted the shower with the sister who just couldn't do it all on her own.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

We have the Groom's Cake! I watch wedding shows on TV where they only have the (bride's) wedding cake and think how cheated they are to be denied the groom's cake too!

I always thought the wedding cake was for both the bride and groom? Don't they cut it together?

Although I have seen many groom's cakes They are fun and adorable.