what to tell Matron of Honor?

[BadgerGirl84]

The wedding venue is a 150 minimum so that's why the shower will be about 75 people. Weddings are crazy around here If you let them be.

So every single female wedding guest is invited to the shower? That seems crazy to me.

We had 150 at our wedding and I think my shower was about 30-35 people. Only immediate family, close friends, aunts and female cousins were invited. Cutting the shower guest list would save on costs for sure.

 

[Dizlvr]

So every single female wedding guest is invited to the shower? That seems crazy to me.

We had 150 at our wedding and I think my shower was about 30-35 people. Only immediate family, close friends, aunts and female cousins were invited. Cutting the shower guest list would save on costs for sure.

I was invited to a shower of my dh's friend's bride to be. I met the woman like 3 times, I was confused as to why I was invited to her shower. Like you its always been family, even some extended family members (great aunts, 2nd cousins) and close friends, but all people that the bride knows and has some sort of relationship with.
Inviting every female to me feels like a gift grab.

 

[nkereina]

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but isn't tradition for the bridesmaids/MOH to throw the shower? In other words, they foot the bill? I've been a bridesmaid twice and a MOH once, and this is how we've always done it. The mother and mother in law didn't contribute financially, but they did make food and baskets for door prizes. The bride also should never contribute OR have a say in the planning - a shower is meant to be put on for you and to "shower" the bride with gifts. The bridesmaids and MOH should plan a shower that fits all the girls' budgets. We had ours at a lovely park lodge, we all made dishes and ordered a sub tray, and we all made baskets as giveaways and I think we each spent about $200.

 

[MickeySP]

If you are supposed to be paying for it, why do you need to tell the MOH anything? Plan the shower that you can afford for $500. 75-100 people at a shower sounds like a gift grab, not a shower.

Nope quiet normal in my area also. See the last quote

So every single female wedding guest is invited to the shower? That seems crazy to me.

We had 150 at our wedding and I think my shower was about 30-35 people. Only immediate family, close friends, aunts and female cousins were invited. Cutting the shower guest list would save on costs for sure.

I also live in NE( Boston area), yes you absolutely invite all the female guests. You should also include the plus ones, just common courtesy here.

I also thought the the bridal party picked up the shower, you offer help but not required.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

That Vegas wedding looks better and better with each thread I read.

 

[Lynne M]

I just went to a shower a few weeks ago, and I can't imagine it cost $500 to host. There was a deli tray, with some deli salads, rolls, and chips and dip. A few coolers of soda, bottled water and beer. And a couple of hot dishes that the hostess's mom made in crockpots. Oh, and a sheet cake from a local bakery.

It was lovely, everyone had a great time, no one went away hungry, and there was food left over.

You figure out what your budget is and then plan accordingly. If the matron of honor wants to host a shower that's out of everyone's budget, then she gets to figure out how to pay for it.

 

[morgan98]

I was always taught and thought that the mother of the bride hosting the shower was a no-no. The theory is that the bride's parents have traditionally paid for the wedding (as the hosts) and that the mother of the bride throwing the shower was like hosting a gift grab. Normally, an aunt, or the bridemaids pick up the shower costs.

 

[22Tink]

My daughter is the MOH for an upcoming wedding. She split the cost of the shower with the other bridesmaids. The bride and grooms mothers both contributed a bit, but the bulk of the cost fell on my daughter and the other bridesmaids.

 

[donac]

Showers are getting so out of hand. My niece's shower is going to be held at a restaurant. My sister says that there will be about 60 people. I don't understand that since there are only about 80 to 90 people who are coming to the wedding

 

[3Gsandme]

Honestly, your daughter can be the go between here. I assume her MOH is her best friend. You need to let her know that you don't have a huge budget for the shower and you're worried that if the MOH is expecting you to cover the cost that there's going to be a problem. Your daughter needs to reach out and ask what the financial plans are that way she can, gently, put the kibosh on the larger shower.

 

[NewRVLady]

I didn't know that the Bride discusses the shower.

it is YOUR DD
My DIL is from NY state-her Mom paid for the shower lunch buffet for 50 or so ladies...it was about $40-50 a head-we had Mimosas and wine

BUT I am from the south...here a good friend or relative hosts a shower in the home with punch and finger foods
This is what my soon to be DIL is having. her mom's friend is hosting the event in her home

I CAN NOT see anyone thinking the MOH is going to PAY for this event when the Mom can not!!!

 

[NewRVLady]

The wedding venue is a 150 minimum so that's why the shower will be about 75 people. Weddings are crazy around here If you let them be.

and I have NEVER heard of inviting aLL the female wedding guests to the shower! Holy Moley!@
its usually CLOSE relatives and closest friends

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

I would definitely call and ask the MOH what role she expects you to take in the planning of the shower. If she does ask you to pitch in financially, then that's when I will tell her what your limit is.
I also live in the NE (SE Mass) and my shower was at a restaurant. Most showers I've been to are held at restaurants with a good amount of people invited. Unfortunately I think it's the new norm here. Think people would rather have it at a restaurant so they don't have to serve and clean but just to enjoy the day too.

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

Also from the Northeast: my shower was a surprise, my mother co-hosted at her place, and she told me it was a going away party for my sister, so could I make brownies? My friends still laugh about how irritated I was about that before I got there. Ha!

As far as who hosts normally, I am with [url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-wedding-showers-and-gifts-unwelcome-host-guests/2011/09/30/gIQAhxcavL_story.html]Miss Manners[/url]:

If only Miss Manners could pry that word “shower” out of the hands of people who want to honor their relatives. Showers are properly given only by friends, and before the wedding. But this does not prohibit the family from giving parties that are not associated with presents.

Just refrain from calling it a shower. People have come to believe that having a shower is as essential to getting married as getting a license. Miss Manners keeps hearing of such social atrocities as mothers demanding them, bridesmaids going broke giving them, brides sulking because they didn’t have them, and guests being milked for multiple ones for the same couple.

Can we please return it to being a lighthearted gathering that friends give voluntarily, and not a major crowning and fundraising event? And not try to make every party a shower?

 

[design_mom]

I am from the midwest, but I think you absolutely should discuss with your daughter. Traditionally, I think the bride is usually consulted on the guest list. You can let your daughter know your budget and she can decide whether to invited 75 women to a very modest shower, or fewer guests to a somewhat fancier shower. Assuming that the MOH is a good friend of your daughter's, your daughter should be able to help pass the word.

If the MOH is doing the planning, then it sounds like the 3 of you ought to discuss plans and budget as soon as possible. I have never heard of a party being planned without consulting the person who's footing the bill (or at least getting a budget limit ahead of time.)

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I'm so glad I don't live in a region where every female wedding guest is invited to the shower. That would cost me a fortune in gifts and hours of time having small talk with people I may not know all that well.

 

[mjkacmom]

I live in the NE where big restaurant showers are the norm, and punch and cake showers are unheard of. However, when I got married, if told my mom and bridal party that I wanted a home shower, at my parents large home. There were probably around 40 or so invited. I think the bridal party is expected to pay, but my mom paid for most of it, since she had the means.

Just let the MOH know how much you can contribute - you really aren't obligated to pay for anything. You can also let your daughter know.

 

[deedeetoo]

I'm in the northeast and every shower I have been to has been in a home. This must really vary by who you know.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I'm in the northeast and every shower I have been to has been in a home. This must really vary by who you know.

It's regional within the regions.

 

[barkley]

It's all gotten out of hand piccolopat, I told this story before so I apologize it's folks have heard it 50 million times, lol. I think it causes me post traumatic stress.

My neice's friends threw her a bridal shower (my niece & my ex sister in law help with this fiasco). not only did they try and throw this huge over the top, kim kardashian style shower, they had the nerve to send notes in the invitations "suggesting" people's gifts.
I was supposed to get her a kitchenaide deluxe mixer, when I called her and asked if she had lost her mind, she told me that guest were assigned "rooms", so I got the kitchen and they just assumed that since I had a good job I could afford the gift. The dis needs to develop some "WTH" smilies. my family is sooo darn tacky. lol

Op, say exactly what you said to her. that you are glad that they want your daughter to have a nice shower but at this time you can only contribute 500 bucks. PERIOD

several years ago I received an invite to a baby shower that didn't 'suggest' gifts, it said 'you are assigned to gift_____________'. I declined the invite (I wasn't close to the mom to be, she was a former co-worker and I think in her gift grab attempts she simply had the 'hosts' invite everyone who she ever had an address for including business contacts). tacky, tacky, tacky.


i'll also share a shower story I've shared many times before (so apologies to those who have heard it) but it shows how differently people/regions/cultures view them. at my last job I worked in an office with a unit made up almost entirely of first generation u.s. immigrants (they served the non English speaking very specialized languages of a population within our region). it seemed like the norm at the time was every time someone in the office became engaged the engaged would have a small private (family and close friends only) shower but also the office would throw a shower as well (no invites, just anyone who wanted to come came-kind of a potluck but the main unit the bride to be was in always paid for cake/punch). the members of the one unit NEVER attended, never threw a shower when one of their own members became engaged. it wasn't until I was on a smoking break with one of the one day and mentioned an upcoming shower that I found out the reason..........in their homelands/culture the concept of a wedding shower was a HORRENDOUS reflection on the bride to be/the family of the bride to be. to have to go to outside immediate family, let alone extended family, friends or (god forbid-it was NEVER done) co-workers to gather the gifts necessary for a woman's 'dowry' indicated (1) the bride's family was incapable of providing for her, and (2) the greater the number of gifts being sought-the less desirable a woman was as marriage material (larger dowry=more negatives w/the woman-unattractive, bad habits, sullied reputation...). the entire concept of a bridal shower was so offensive to this group of people that they felt that if they attended they were participating in a huge insult.

the last bridal shower I attended was on the smaller size, close friends-family-neighbors. it's the only one I've been to since moving to this area so I don't know if it's the norm or not, but then I read how some brides have engagement parties, lingerie parties, housewares parties, and a traditional bridal shower all with the expectation that the guests (who are invited to each and every one) bring a gift each time.