what to tell Matron of Honor?

[pryncess527]

I wonder how many will be shaking their heads on the way home judging what she did and didn't do at her wedding by her own choice? It's good your co-worker has people around her telling her not to worry about it, but it appears she's gonna come to the attention of at least a few individuals if she does anything they don't agree with. I had no idea all this finger waving and silent judging was going on at all the weddings and events I've attended.

I'd be shocked if it were much. There is a difference between wedding traditions like the first dance, dance with her father, throwing the bouquet, garter, etc. and wedding etiquette "rules" regarding invites, hosting, and gifts which are about making your guests comfortable. A bride who does not want a specific tradition is just expressing a personal preference. A bride who makes a choice that is perceived to be rude or to cause discomfort to her guests is another story. Although as this thread makes clear, what sorts of behavior will be perceived as rude or causing discomfort might vary significantly by social group.

 

[EMom]

My coworker is getting married next month. She was stressing about certain rituals and traditions she didn't want to do like first dance, dance with her father, throwing the bouquet, garter, etc. Anything at the reception that she would be the center of attention. We told her she didn't have to do them if she didn't want to. There was nothing that was written in the law or anywhere else that stated you HAD to do any of that.

She is the BRIDE. She is going to be the center of attention, period. No matter what she does or does not do, she is NOT going to blend into the crowd. She sounds like a prime candidate for eloping. You can easily escape attention that way.

 

[Lynne M]

My coworker is getting married next month. She was stressing about certain rituals and traditions she didn't want to do like first dance, dance with her father, throwing the bouquet, garter, etc. Anything at the reception that she would be the center of attention. We told her she didn't have to do them if she didn't want to. There was nothing that was written in the law or anywhere else that stated you HAD to do any of that.

And honestly, no one will care if she doesn't. My best friend had a luncheon reception in a beautiful restaurant that overlooked a garden. No band, no DJ, no dancing, no garter, no bouquet throwing. Just really good food and good company. One of the best receptions I've ever been to.

Another friend had her reception in a park pavilion. Catered with barbecue. Big coolers with water, soda and beer, and her mom baked up a bunch of delicious cakes and pies and cookies. There was a cassette player with speakers for music. People came in shorts and t-shirts, brought their kids. Some people brought their dogs. People wandered around, played catch with the kids, sat under trees and caught up with old friends. Not one single thing that you'd see in "Bride" magazine.

Hands down, my favorite reception ever. If I ever get married, I'm doing it exactly the same way.

My point is, no one needs to be a prisoner of 'tradition'. Create your own tradition.

 

[NewRVLady]

My coworker is getting married next month. She was stressing about certain rituals and traditions she didn't want to do like first dance, dance with her father, throwing the bouquet, garter, etc. Anything at the reception that she would be the center of attention. We told her she didn't have to do them if she didn't want to. There was nothing that was written in the law or anywhere else that stated you HAD to do any of that.

My DIL didn't throw bouquet-she was one of the last of her crowd to marry....so they did an 'elimination dance ' for the married couples....if you'd been married less than 10 years , you sit down...less than 15 yeas -sit down...until the oldest married couple was left on dance floor-THEY got the bouquet!

 

[Rhombus]

I had to give my father in law a cow and a egg laying chicken for my wife. I guess that is what is customary in our region.

And I'll gladly give 2 cows, 2 egg-laying hens, PLUS 2 acres of prime farmland to any groom's family willing to take DD off my hands.


I was always curious why in certain cultures, the groom or his family had to pay the bride's family for her hand in marriage, while in other cultures the bride's family had to pay to get rid of her. Guess I should read up on this.

 

[Rhombus]

Ex-wife had 3 bridal showers. First was given by her sister at sister's house and it was a surprise. It was for the females on both her and my sides of the family. The pretext was that it was just a routine summer BBQ. Ex wasn't expecting it, since she already knew about Shower #2. That was given by the bridesmaids at a restaurant for mostly friends, but some of the family members from Shower #1 were invited as well. Then about half a dozen of her co-workers had a small shower at one of their homes.

I think everyone who was invited to one of the showers received a wedding invitation.

At our wedding, we skipped most of that traditional stuff. No bouquet or garter toss, no elaborate cake cutting ritual, no father/daughter and mother/son dance. I'm sure some people were saying negative things later.

And, oh yeah, no alcohol. We got married in a dry Jersey Shore beach town. At the time, even BYOB wasn't permitted in public places like the hotel ballroom. (I think you can now provide your own liquor.) We slipped a note into the invitations about the no alcohol policy so that people would know what to expect and could decline if it was a problem.

I don't doubt that people were making extra trips to the restrooms to take a swig from their flasks.

 

[Ceila]

And I'll gladly give 2 cows, 2 egg-laying hens, PLUS 2 acres of prime farmland to any groom's family willing to take DD off my hands.

And a partridge in a pear tree!

 

[wishesuponastar]

Didn't read through the whole thread, if OP is still reading, I just thought I'd say that I was MOH for a friend of mine and her Mom was up front with what she was able to afford for the shower (also $500 as it turns out lol) and it was fine! It helped to know right away before we booked any place. I certainly wouldn't think to demand more money from her, its all she could afford and that's that. I discussed with the other bridesmaids that we would all chip in for the cost of the shower (at a cost everyone was comfortable with) and made it work.

Thank you for your post It is very helpful. When I know more details
of the shower I will update.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

And I'll gladly give 2 cows, 2 egg-laying hens, PLUS 2 acres of prime farmland to any groom's family willing to take DD off my hands.


I was always curious why in certain cultures, the groom or his family had to pay the bride's family for her hand in marriage, while in other cultures the bride's family had to pay to get rid of her. Guess I should read up on this.

My wife and I have 3 boys together. I'm not sure I could handle all the girl stuff that I read about here. I'm sure I'd have no choice but to deal with it, but I'm not so sure I'd enjoy it.

 

[Minniesgal]

Can't you have it at home with home baked goods and keep the cost below $500. I would hate my mum to be in financial worries over my wedding

 

[wishesuponastar]

Can't you have it at home with home baked goods and keep the cost below $500. I would hate my mum to be in financial worries over my wedding

I'm pretty much staying out of any planning. If MOH and bridal party want to have an expensive shower that's on them.

You are very kind to worry about your Mum.

 

[NHdisneylover]

And that makes you a guy

Well, I'm a girl and have had many of the same thoughts as Goofy Dad throughout. I keep thinking that i need to warn DD18 that if she is ever asked to be in a wedding she better clarify what all is expected from her and what level of cost is associated with each item before agreeing. My word--some of you are listing MOH costs in line with what my entire wedding cost!

Most of what is being talked about here and all these rules and requirements never crossed my mind as a bride. I was after a special day with my husband, a nice time for the family and friends sharing it with us, and doing that on a small budget--it was pretty simple really and so far as I know no one was all that worried about this or that "rule" just about being there to celebrate with us.

 

[NewRVLady]

My daughter is getting married in 2016. We live in the Northeast (MOH does too) where many Mother of Bride pay for the shower but I do not have the money to do that. I can contribute about $500 Plus i will have to pay for my two other daughter's share of the cost because they are in the wedding party.

What can I tell the MOH when she calls me to discuss the shower? Any advice is appreciated.

I still think you need to have this conversation sooner than later!
How many bridesmaids are there?
If 75-100 are expected, are they well employed and can pay for what is the norm there ?
You state it is customary for MOB to pay- this is why a discussion should be initiated by YOU

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree--you need to call her, soon, and broach the subject; do not wait for her to call you--let her know that you realize MOB paying may be customary and perhaps she is expecting it, which is why you are calling--you need to let her know that you can only afford $500 and if the shower gets planned as more expensive than that, the money will have to be found elsewhere.

 

[bas71873]

I'm still dying to know WHO the MOH is....friend, family member, someone you are not all that close too?

 

[wishesuponastar]

I still think you need to have this conversation sooner than later!
How many bridesmaids are there?
If 75-100 are expected, are they well employed and can pay for what is the norm there ?
You state it is customary for MOB to pay- this is why a discussion should be initiated by YOU

There are 5 bridesmaids and my 2 teenage daughters Who are sisters of honor.

Maybe it is not customary as pp who live in the Northeast have said. I just thought it was because several showers I've been to have been paid for by MoB.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I'm still dying to know WHO the MOH is....friend, family member, someone you are not all that close too?

The MoH is bride's cousin. I am not close to her because I got divorced from her uncle.

 

[bethbuchall]

Well, I'm a girl and have had many of the same thoughts as Goofy Dad throughout. I keep thinking that i need to warn DD18 that if she is ever asked to be in a wedding she better clarify what all is expected from her and what level of cost is associated with each item before agreeing. My word--some of you are listing MOH costs in line with what my entire wedding cost!

Most of what is being talked about here and all these rules and requirements never crossed my mind as a bride. I was after a special day with my husband, a nice time for the family and friends sharing it with us, and doing that on a small budget--it was pretty simple really and so far as I know no one was all that worried about this or that "rule" just about being there to celebrate with us.

Another girl here that agrees. My oldest is getting married at the end of August, and I'm glad that he and his fiancee are keeping things simple, small, and (relatively) inexpensive. They are doing some things differently than I would, but it's their day to celebrate, and I'm happy to go with their wishes on it all. (I would like a little more communication sometimes, but that's a life thing, not a wedding thing. )

 

[gwynne]

The MoH is bride's cousin. I am not close to her because I got divorced from her uncle.

So the Matron of Honor is not someone you've just met, you've known her for ages? Do you have a reasonably friendly relationship, or is it really awkward due to the past?

 

[NewRVLady]

I am not understandin why the burden of the cost is all on this one young lady?

That's why the MOB pays for the larger ones I am guessing- that's how my younger sons wife shower was in New York ( state)

Older son getting married this fall- in the South...friends of MOB hosting in her home..2-4 with cake and finger foods