what to tell Matron of Honor?

[cedricandsophie]

Here in Chicago area large showers are not unusual. But more typical are the one I threw for my niece at our house. My daughter was her maid of honor. 30 women, lunch was salad and sandwiches from Panera Bread. Cake was most expensive but that's cause I love getting gorgeous cakes. It was in the shape of s bride with a gorgeous white dress as the cake part. Without that could easily be done for 500. She also had shower by mother in law for another 30 to 40 people. Give what you can and enjoy it.

 

[maddiel]

As I said, in my experience people who are used to going to more lavish weddings seem to also be used to giving more lavish gifts, so it kind of works itself out.

I wonder though which is the chicken and which is he egg?

- Even if it's just internal, guests may pressure themselves to cover what they think is the couple's cost, even if it's more than they would habitually give?
- If there is a reasonable expectation that overall the couple will receive susbstantial cash gifts, it has to be be more tempting to go over the budget they might have set if they lived some where where gifts are not likely to be cash or are likely to be smaller amounts of cash.

So do weddings tend to be more lavish where gifts tend to be very generous or do people tend to give generous gifts when they typically attend lavish weddings?

Either way it does work itself out (unless you attend a wedding outside of your typical social sphere)

M.

 

[Princess Mulan]

I always thought the wedding cake was for both the bride and groom? Don't they cut it together?

Although I have seen many groom's cakes They are fun and adorable.

Your post made me smile because around here the groom's cake almost always is chocolate! Just like your name!

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I think this thread is an excellent indicator as to why weddings cost a fortune these days. I had no idea that my wife, her mother, my mother, and God knows who else had to worry about all this stuff prior to and during our wedding. It seems like you have to be so careful about the who's and the why's and the where's that it becomes more work than it's worth. I'm amazed at the amount of energy that gets spent in the consideration of so many rituals and customs. I had no idea it was this much of a tangled web.

 

[PrincessKTBugg85]

75 to 100 people sounds a little ridiculous but I understand if the bride to be has a large family and close friends and co workers. I actually had two showers. One was held in a clubhouse that a friend graciously rented as a gift. My mother and matron of honor made some dishes and catered in finger foods. This one had about 20 people and cost about $150-200. The other shower was thrown at my mother in laws home and had about 20 people. Not sure how much it cost, but my sister in law, husbands cousin and my mother in law made the food and favors. It was a very cute garden brunch!

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

Just wanted to tell a funny story in regards to the "cover my plate" rule. I had my wedding at an upscale country club and majority of our budget was spent on food/venue. One of my coworkers said to me the next time he saw me that he felt like he owed me money since there was so much good food and a great atmosphere. His gift definitely did not cover his plate but that thought never crossed my mind until he said it. I think for most people- the presence of the person is the best gift and any other gift is much appreciated.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

My daughter is getting married in 2016. We live in the Northeast (MOH does too) where many Mother of Bride pay for the shower but I do not have the money to do that. I can contribute about $500 Plus i will have to pay for my two other daughter's share of the cost because they are in the wedding party.

What can I tell the MOH when she calls me to discuss the shower? Any advice is appreciated.

Tell her the truth. By the way there is no manners requirement to have a huge expensive shower that is catered or have it at a restaurant.

 

[MickeySP]

This.



And this.

The mother of the bride NEVER hosts the shower. It's considered a gift grab.

But, then, I've never heard of "paying for my plate" wedding gifts either until I read about it here on the DIS.

All these "this is the way weddings & showers are done in the northeast" traditions just seem tacky & so greedy to me & are yet another reason why I'm glad I don't live there.

When we got married, I had 5 showers - a shower hosted by ladies at my church, a shower hosted by ladies at my inlaws' church, a work shower, a family shower hosted by 2 aunts, & shower hosted by a friend. Neither my mother nor I were involved in the planning or financing of any of them, & the guests (except for mother, my mother-in-law, & sister) were different at each shower.

In most instances, if you're invited to a shower, you're invited to the wedding - exceptions might be for very small family-only weddings or some kind of destination wedding where friends still want to get together a shower or some other kind of celebratory party.

However, I've never heard that every woman invited to the wedding is invited to the shower. That seems really over the top & very gift-grabby. Because, then aren't these same brides who are having these over-the-top showers also expecting a "pay for the plate" monetary gift at the wedding?

NOTE - We did have a bridesmaid brunch at a tearoom which my mother hosted - I gave gifts to my bridesmaids & maid of honor during this occasion & didn't receive any gifts myself.

If whoever is hosting the shower can't afford to host 75-100 ladies at a sit-down restaurant, then the size of the shower needs to be scaled down. And $500 should be plenty of money for a nice shower.

And, beyond possibly consulting on the guest list, the bride shouldn't be involved in the planning at all.

However, OP, since you're not contributing to the cost of the wedding, you might offer the $500 to the maid of honor or even to your DD to go toward the cost of the wedding.

My shower was in an event room at a Boston restaraunt, it was thrown by the bridal attendants. Yes, every female invited to the wedding , who rsvpd, was invited. It would have rude to not do so in my circles.
It was no gift grab, just what was expected if you were having a formal wedding.

 

[bas71873]

Question! Who IS the MOH? Is it someone you're close too? My MOH was my aunt, my mom's sister, so I'm curious who your daughter chose?

 

[Dizlvr]

It's not my opinion though, it's proper etiquette. If you check traditions and etiquette in any wedding book or any wedding web site, it will in fact say it's bad form for the MOB to pay for and host the shower. I probably wouldn't be offended as a guest either. But as a bride, I also wouldn't want to be walking the line of proper etiquette.

At a minimum, have the bridesmaids host and organize the shower but maybe have mom pick up the tab behind the scenes if the bridesmaids can't afford it. It for sure shouldn't be outwardly hosted by MOB though.

Fair enough it isn't an opinion, its just etiquette.

The thing that gets me is that (in areas) where MOB pays for the shower she is the actual host whether or not it states that on the invite. So really the act of "lying" and saying that its hosted by someone else makes it not a gift grab, but if the invite says "mom of XXXX invites you to a shower" its a gift grab. She's hosting either way, so why is it okay for her to pay but its not okay for people to see that, even if they know it?
I mean do people actually care about that kind of stuff? Would someone not go to a shower because a brides mother hosted it? I just can't imagine, its a bridal shower, one that was going to happen anyway, who really cares who the host is.

Not really asking you pp, just saying.....

 

[bethy]

Oh, but I was raised by wolves, you see.

I apologize. I meant for that comment to come off as chatty because I've always found this stuff interesting and for a short time worked in the wedding industry. I just think it's interesting.

My apology is not passive aggressive, I really mean it - so hard to have things come through the way I meant them via a screen!

 

[Anesthesia Fine]

I apologize. I meant for that comment to come off as chatty because I've always found this stuff interesting and for a short time worked in the wedding industry. I just think it's interesting.

My apology is not passive aggressive, I really mean it - so hard to have things come through the way I meant them via a screen!

OH NO! I'm sorry, too...I edited to add that smiley because I was like "DAMN, I sound like I was offended" and I promise, I really wasn't!

 

[MickeySP]

I think this thread is an excellent indicator as to why weddings cost a fortune these days. I had no idea that my wife, her mother, my mother, and God knows who else had to worry about all this stuff prior to and during our wedding. It seems like you have to be so careful about the who's and the why's and the where's that it becomes more work than it's worth. I'm amazed at the amount of energy that gets spent in the consideration of so many rituals and customs. I had no idea it was this much of a tangled web.

And that makes you a guy

My 2nd wedding involved me,him & 2 BFF's. Btw my father paid for the divorce & annulment.
That one lasted 20 years not the 96 days of the first

 

[disneydee6]

Didn't read through the whole thread, if OP is still reading, I just thought I'd say that I was MOH for a friend of mine and her Mom was up front with what she was able to afford for the shower (also $500 as it turns out lol) and it was fine! It helped to know right away before we booked any place. I certainly wouldn't think to demand more money from her, its all she could afford and that's that. I discussed with the other bridesmaids that we would all chip in for the cost of the shower (at a cost everyone was comfortable with) and made it work.

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

This thread has been interesting to read!

I was married 16 years ago - my 2 stepsister (MOH & bridesmaid) hosted my shower at my dad's & stepmom's house. My own mom's only involvement was as a guest, to the best of my knowledge. I think there were 25 women - my family. my soon to be inlaws (6 SILs!) and close friends. No work shower as I worked for a small family run business We had 150 people at our wedding. Many people mailed the packages to us via the registry, but plenty brought them to the venue. My inlaws packed them all up for us that night (we left straight for our honeymoon) and we had a small get together at their house to open them when we returned. It worked for us and if people had problems with how it was done, that's on them.

But this does lead to me a question - I have 3 girls, so there is a high chance they will be bridesmaids/MOH for eachother. I have read mulitple times in this thread that not only should the MOB not host, neither should any immediate family. How does it work when sisters are the MOH/bridesmaids? Are they allowed to host then?

 

[kaytieeldr]

Being the MOH supersedes the blood relationship.

 

[SC Minnie]

I think this thread is an excellent indicator as to why weddings cost a fortune these days. I had no idea that my wife, her mother, my mother, and God knows who else had to worry about all this stuff prior to and during our wedding. It seems like you have to be so careful about the who's and the why's and the where's that it becomes more work than it's worth. I'm amazed at the amount of energy that gets spent in the consideration of so many rituals and customs. I had no idea it was this much of a tangled web.

My coworker is getting married next month. She was stressing about certain rituals and traditions she didn't want to do like first dance, dance with her father, throwing the bouquet, garter, etc. Anything at the reception that she would be the center of attention. We told her she didn't have to do them if she didn't want to. There was nothing that was written in the law or anywhere else that stated you HAD to do any of that.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

My coworker is getting married next month. She was stressing about certain rituals and traditions she didn't want to do like first dance, dance with her father, throwing the bouquet, garter, etc. Anything at the reception that she would be the center of attention. We told her she didn't have to do them if she didn't want to. There was nothing that was written in the law or anywhere else that stated you HAD to do any of that.

I wonder how many will be shaking their heads on the way home judging what she did and didn't do at her wedding by her own choice? It's good your co-worker has people around her telling her not to worry about it, but it appears she's gonna come to the attention of at least a few individuals if she does anything they don't agree with. I had no idea all this finger waving and silent judging was going on at all the weddings and events I've attended.

 

[Mkrop]

I wonder how many will be shaking their heads on the way home judging what she did and didn't do at her wedding by her own choice? It's good your co-worker has people around her telling her not to worry about it, but it appears she's gonna come to the attention of at least a few individuals if she does anything they don't agree with. I had no idea all this finger waving and silent judging was going on at all the weddings and events I've attended.

Most of the time the ride home or the next day is discussing the wedding...so yes it may get mention "hey did Jane do a bouquet toss" "hmm I dont recalll seeing one maybe I was in the bathroom" and then we move on.

As I mentioned my brother just got married and we saw them cut the cake, but there was another dessert served and we never got any wedding cake, and I thought I looked for the bags at the end too. None in my family of four saw them. We discussed it, not in a judgmental way. We just got together with the newlyweds and when my other SIL mentioned how awesome the wedding cake was, the bride did say where they were and we just laughed and said we had a few too many glasses of wine and was looking for someone to give him his luggage so we missed it.

The only time we genuinely complained about a wedding was one time when the food was on the odd side, lots of vegan options but still odd choices for a wedding and we were starving. They didnt even have finger food at the beginning to fill up on. And my poor mom and brother, many of the options had spinach in them and they are both allergic, the chef even told them that the vegan and nonvegan shepards pie had spinach oil in it and not to eat it.

So yes we notice when certain traditions are missing or new ones are introduced but it is more of a passing discussion then a tsk tsk kind of thing.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I wonder how many will be shaking their heads on the way home judging what she did and didn't do at her wedding by her own choice? It's good your co-worker has people around her telling her not to worry about it, but it appears she's gonna come to the attention of at least a few individuals if she does anything they don't agree with. I had no idea all this finger waving and silent judging was going on at all the weddings and events I've attended.

We didn't do the bouquet/garter tosses since neither of us are fans of it and I know most of my friends dread getting up for it. So I don't think anyone missed this.

We passed on the mother/son & father/daughter dances since our respective parents are deceased. What's to say? nothing.

I think as long as you treat your guests well, provide decent food and a good time, most people will go home happy.