what to tell Matron of Honor?

[NewRVLady]

Anyone here see Real Housewives of new jersey when Theresa had the baby Christening party for the youngest DD?
At that point in time, my son had not married into a huge Italian family in new York state
I thought it soo "over the top" , as their other celebrations
I am from the South


well guess what-my son gets engaged and I discover a whole DIFFERENT way of doing things-and I embrace it! I don't judge and make Miss Manners remarks

I have seen so many very extravagant parties involving my new DIL's family-wow-they party, and they give really nice gifts.
This summer Son & DIL hosted a similar Baby Christening party=sit down lunch , with wine, for 50 adults, 16 kids...several courses...a balloon guy for the kids...music...fabulous food.
My DH turned to me at one point and said "This is fancier than any weddings our relatives ever had!"

as to the OP-it sounds like its just the MOH and her 2 DDs that are bridesmaids-and she expects this young person to carry the cost of the shower-which sounds like a sit down lunch. in the NE its like $35-40...so for 100 we are talking $3500!they need to do a cake and punch type affair

 

[kaytieeldr]

I didn't know that the Bride discusses the shower.

I honestly didn't know anyone in the bride's immediate family hosts the shower. Just host the shower you can afford. Are there really going to be 150-200ish people invited to the wedding?

 

[pryncess527]

In the South we seem to have very different showers. They're smaller, more informal and generally have a theme. For example the bridesmaids might do a lingerie shower, the MOB might do a kitchen or pantry shower. All set to get a certain type of gift. I would think $500 would cover whatever hoes doeuvres were ordered assuming the place itself is free.

So, if northern weddings you don't take a wrapped gift is there a gift table? I work at a wedding venue and we generally set up 2 r more 8 ft tables for gifts alone. Sometimes people have a table top mailbox for cards to go in.

I was also raised in the South, but I was raised that you NEVER bring a gift to the wedding. It is always mailed to the bride's home (or her parent's home, or registry address now days) before the wedding. It's one of the first things I do when I get the invitation.

I'm with you on the showers though.

 

[pryncess527]

This.



And this.

The mother of the bride NEVER hosts the shower. It's considered a gift grab.

But, then, I've never heard of "paying for my plate" wedding gifts either until I read about it here on the DIS.

All these "this is the way weddings & showers are done in the northeast" traditions just seem tacky & so greedy to me & are yet another reason why I'm glad I don't live there.

When we got married, I had 5 showers - a shower hosted by ladies at my church, a shower hosted by ladies at my inlaws' church, a work shower, a family shower hosted by 2 aunts, & shower hosted by a friend. Neither my mother nor I were involved in the planning or financing of any of them, & the guests (except for mother, my mother-in-law, & sister) were different at each shower.

In most instances, if you're invited to a shower, you're invited to the wedding - exceptions might be for very small family-only weddings or some kind of destination wedding where friends still want to get together a shower or some other kind of celebratory party.

However, I've never heard that every woman invited to the wedding is invited to the shower. That seems really over the top & very gift-grabby. Because, then aren't these same brides who are having these over-the-top showers also expecting a "pay for the plate" monetary gift at the wedding?

NOTE - We did have a bridesmaid brunch at a tearoom which my mother hosted - I gave gifts to my bridesmaids & maid of honor during this occasion & didn't receive any gifts myself.

If whoever is hosting the shower can't afford to host 75-100 ladies at a sit-down restaurant, then the size of the shower needs to be scaled down. And $500 should be plenty of money for a nice shower.

And, beyond possibly consulting on the guest list, the bride shouldn't be involved in the planning at all.

However, OP, since you're not contributing to the cost of the wedding, you might offer the $500 to the maid of honor or even to your DD to go toward the cost of the wedding.

We must be from the same town ;p
Raised in Georgia and this is 100% my experience as well.

 

[NewRVLady]

I am from the SOUTH-people still bring gifts and checks to the wedding
Louisiana

 

[morgan98]

I really am not trying to get this thread off topic but people keep bringing up the "pay for your plate" concept.

For those used to much more simple weddings, you too are probably effectively paying for your plate. The bride and groom may be spending substantially less to host the event (say in a church hall with no alcohol than an catered 4 course sit down meal with open bar and live band) but the value of the gift seem to go down dramatically as well. It isn't like many people give $250/couple to attend a wedding in a church hall, at least from what I keep reading here.

 

[smiths02]

This is a reminder to me that most DISers must be well above the national average for income.
There is no way my mom could have paid $3k for a bridal shower. She couldn't even get a loan to pay $3k for a bridal shower.

I guess being poor or lower middle class is a breech of etiquette automatically.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Considering the initial post that started this whole discussion, I'll post this again from a link provided earlier:

"Above all else, make sure the joy and goodwill that should accompany your wedding is not overshadowed by controversy or ill will over who is paying for what. Sensitivity to the financial capabilities of both families is imperative. Care should be taken to not cause undue financial burden and even embarrassment if the one who “customarily” should pay really can’t afford to. The bride and groom should take the lead in openly discussing with the families how to allocate the costs of “their wedding day” so everyone will feel comfortable with their contribution before and after the wedding. Clarifying the financial responsibilities early on will create a sense of harmony throughout the wedding planning process."

 

[Ceila]

On the topic of bringing gifts to weddings...one of my favorite memories from our wedding (20 years ago) was having our closest family and best friends come back to my parents' house after our reception, where we opened all of our presents. (It was a late morning wedding and afternoon reception, so there was plenty of time to do this.) The wedding cake we had was huge, so we all had a second helping as DH and I opened the gifts. It was so much fun and laid back.

I've been to weddings from Virginia to NY, most of them formal. Many of the showers were at someone's home (often a relative of the bride). Some were in restaurants or catered venues. The shower for the most elaborate wedding (black tie in NYC) was held at the home of the bride's aunt. So, I completely agree with LynneM. I really don't think it's just "regional." There are many variations in even one area. And I don't necessarily think it's socio-economic, either. As I said, for the friend for whom elaborate, expensive NYC weddings were the norm, home-based showers were also the norm.

There are lots of factors that influence how showers and weddings are planned. Those who have been to mostly the same kind over and over again may just happen to have people in their circle of family and friends with similar expectations.

 

[Ceila]

This is a reminder to me that most DISers must be well above the national average for income.
There is no way my mom could have paid $3k for a bridal shower. She couldn't even get a loan to pay $3k for a bridal shower.

I guess being poor or lower middle class is a breech of etiquette automatically.

I don't recall reading any post that suggested that having a more modest shower was a breach of etiquette.

Hosting an event within your means is never bad manners. Hosting an event you can't afford and having the cost covered by guests is poor etiquette. And, many would argue (and I personally agree) that the MOB hosting the shower is also poor manners, as it looks like a gift grab. But nowhere does proper etiquette dictate that you must have a $3K shower.

 

[NewRVLady]

This is a reminder to me that most DISers must be well above the national average for income.
There is no way my mom could have paid $3k for a bridal shower. She couldn't even get a loan to pay $3k for a bridal shower.

I guess being poor or lower middle class is a breech of etiquette automatically.

For my DIL's shower it was something like 40 women at $40 a head buffet lunch-so $1600
(her Mom is schoolteacher-her Dad a mechanic)

NOT all women attending wedding invited to shower-that is one of OP's problems-her guess is 75-100 and that is ridiculous-I cant imagine watching that many gifts being opened!!

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

All of my showers are water themed and are generally a singular event. I know my etiquette!

 

[bethy]

Holy cow! Things have certainly changed since my daughter got married. Some of my friends had a shower for her; that one included a group of my friends who also knew my daughter. Some of her MIL-to-be's friends had one; that included people who knew her MIL and the groom. People she worked with had a small one; that included the people she worked with. Possibly some church friends had one, I don't remember. I was invited as a guest, to the ones hosted by friends of the families, but that was my sole role. The ones I remember were in homes.

I too think that some of the norms discussed here are not so much dictated by geographical region but instead by socio-economic factors and traditions within families and communities.

For example, there is no way that every single family in the Northeastern United States can afford a large 150+ guest wedding, with full reception, sit down dinner, at a country club etc. Yes, maybe more folks in the Northeast stretch to afford this and make it a priority than do folks in other parts of the country. But there are still people who live there who couldn't afford that even if they stretched and saved for it their whole lives and went into debt for it.

Same goes for showers.

Anyway for showers in my social circle and family, it's more common to have 1-3 small intimate showers with different groups than to have "the Shower." Showers are rarely - never - hosted by the MOB or the MOG or any immediate family. There is usually one shower hosted by the bridesmaids for friends - always in a home - maybe for 20-25 people. And then often a shower in the workplace. And then there is often a family shower hosted by an aunt in her home OR sometimes the MOB's friends put on a little shower in one of their homes. I had 3 showers. All charming, all in homes. All very much appreciated.

Female wedding guests who are more distant acquaintances or "plus ones" would have been mildly annoyed to have been invited as it would be seen as an imposition on their time and also as a gift grab.

 

[smiths02]

I don't recall reading any post that suggested that having a more modest shower was a breach of etiquette.

Hosting an event within your means is never bad manners. Hosting an event you can't afford and having the cost covered by guests is poor etiquette. And, many would argue (and I personally agree) that the MOB hosting the shower is also poor manners, as it looks like a gift grab. But nowhere does proper etiquette dictate that you must have a $3K shower.

There are posts that insinuate that showers are just not done in someone's home or a church fellowship hall, so I guess it's more that it violates cultural norms. There are also posts that insinuate that it would be rude not to invite every woman who is invited to the wedding, which ups the cost of the shower.

 

[Dizlvr]

I don't recall reading any post that suggested that having a more modest shower was a breach of etiquette.

Hosting an event within your means is never bad manners. Hosting an event you can't afford and having the cost covered by guests is poor etiquette. And, many would argue (and I personally agree) that the MOB hosting the shower is also poor manners, as it looks like a gift grab. But nowhere does proper etiquette dictate that you must have a $3K shower.

I just want to get this stuff alll straight since I have one dd and if I need too I will gladly provide a venue, or my home and pay for her shower. If I do that, I have to say its hosted by someone else, even if it technically isn't, or it will look like a gift grab? That is true for all regions and cultures?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I also dont understand how one poster said that our traditions like the moms helping to pay is a gift grab, yet she listed several showers as her experience, why is one a gift grab yet her multiple showers are not.

The multiple showers correctly had no overlapping guests.

 

[kaytieeldr]

For the record, I agree about the MOB not hosting as I brought it up up thread. However, in what is being described here, I am sure it is the bridesmaids names on the shower invitation and they are who you contact for RSVP and such. The Mother of the Bride is more or less providing funding and not being the organizer/director of the event.

So like a silent partner? That seems so much less appropriate in wedding events than in business.

 

[morgan98]

So like a silent partner? That seems so much less appropriate in wedding events than in business.

I was more or less responding based upon how it seems people were describing it on here. Yes, silent partner seems like the correct description.

As I have stated more than once on this thread, I am in the camp that the MOB and bride should have minimal involvement in the shower, except for attending of course.

 

[gwynne]

For my DIL's shower it was something like 40 women at $40 a head buffet lunch-so $1600
(her Mom is schoolteacher-her Dad a mechanic)

NOT all women attending wedding invited to shower-that is one of OP's problems-her guess is 75-100 and that is ridiculous-I cant imagine watching that many gifts being opened!!

No kidding! I try to have reasonably good manners. I don't think I could sustain a look of kindly interest beyond the opening of gift #58.....

 

[mjkacmom]

There are posts that insinuate that showers are just not done in someone's home or a church fellowship hall, so I guess it's more that it violates cultural norms. There are also posts that insinuate that it would be rude not to invite every woman who is invited to the wedding, which ups the cost of the shower.

Nope. In my area, I'm going to say most showers are held at restaurants, but not all (including mine). Church hall celebrations are not a thing here, but many will use lower cost venues, like renting out halls like KOC or the Elks. Many people here also have large extended families, so just inviting close friends and relatives can make for a large crowd. Showers here do come in different shapes and sizes, and as long as you are providing a meal, you are good (because every celebration includes a meal).