Discussion in 'Disney Cruise Line Forum' started by violetmonarch, Jan 4, 2013.
Go go. It was the best vacation I ever had. You will have a wonderful time
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I second DiscoveryCove. Much more for your money and we had a fabulous day!
I'd take another route. I'd go ahead and cancel her booking (no matter what the financial cost to me, whatever money she gets back, if any, comes from the TA, NOT you) and re-take control of MY vacation.
I travelled with family on my first cruise last May and I won't get into details, except to say that we did a do-over by ourselves in November
So sorry for all the drama - I can imagine how stressful this is, when these last few weeks should be soooo exciting for you! You've gotten great advice from lots of people...I do hope things work out well.
Now for me, on the other hand, after reading this entire thread my stomach is in knots! DH & I have cruised twice alone and are cruising with our DD, DSIL and 2 adorable DGDs for their first-ever cruise in 4 months...I will now be very aware of what I say, how I say it and my behavior in general. I am the planner of our vacations and am known to get carried away with researching, giving advice and generating excitement for our trips, but in no way do I want to interfere or have a negative impact on their cruise! I will make sure communication lines are open between them and me and that they are comfortable with telling me to back off if they need to...LOL
So while I am sad for your situation, I do thank you for sharing.
You have received lots of good advice. Probably many of us have had similar "mom" moments. In most situations, relationship dynamics will not change unless one person in the relationship commits to change. You are not likely to get her to change unless you take away her ability to manipulate you, but for that you probably would need/benefit from intensive family therapy. The best scenario is that she simply does not go on the trip, but if you can't be lucky enough for that to happen, you are blessed in being on a big, fun-filled, busy cruise ship with lots of places to keep yourself and your kids busy. The beauty of a Disney cruise is that the kids' clubs will allow you to get some time to yourself. You don't need her to help with your kids at all. You may not get solitude in your stateroom, but there are lots of places to hide yourself with a good book, watching a movie, drinking coffee, (even showering!) where she can't find you. I agree with asking to have dinner mates if she's the type to behave in front of strangers.
She is a bully, and at some point you have to put your big girl pants on and decide that you won't be bullied anymore. The best my mother has behaved is when I told her I would not be mentally abused by anyone at age 43 anymore, and we did not speak for 6 months. It was the only time she ever came back and said she was sorry. It's really ok not to love a parent. If you love someone who abuses you (and your kids) you should get professional counseling. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I would bet money that it would make your life better. I really am hoping you have an awesome time, and wishing you the courage to insist on change. You are the captain of your ship ...
I agree. Why even mention that you plan to? They will put offers to rebook on your bed at night. Just tell her you can't afford it right now.
If she does come on the cruise, find a moment alone and swing by the future cruise desk on deck 4. Even if it's closed you can fill out a post card and drop it in the box. Even if you're not sure what exact date you want, just book something. If you want your same TA to handle the new cruise, put that on the card too. You can tweek it later. It would take less than 10 mins to fill out the card. They can put the deposit on the same cc connected to your onboard acct.
Then zip it! You will be excited but as tempting as it may be to share your excitement, don't even mention it to your kids.
You will hopefully get a chance for a do-over. Unless you live together, I wouldn't even mention when you're gone. List a good friend as an emergency contact.
I'm glad my parents are easy to cruise with. (and I'm not just saying so because my mom reads the Disboards!)
We've always been in agreement that we have different likes/dislikes/abilities/disabilities, etc and sometimes we need to each do our own thing. On our Alaska cruise, I think we only spent dinners together & our horse-trolley ride in Victoria.
We've probably done around 10 together. I hope your kids find some happy memories with their grandmom. I would definitely be carrying on my own alcohol & earplugs.
go without her ...
Well i hope all goes well with your cruise. I cruise in 8.5 months with my mom, not sure how a 4 night vacation with my mom will go but i am going to give it a try. My mom and i have a great relationship so i hope it does go well.....sending you lots of pixie dust that yours will turn out good too!!
this is exactly the phrase i was thinking of! I hate your situation for you, most of us have had some similar issues with Mom's along the way. But your Mom seems to have gone a bit overboard!
Your first priority is to your kids and I want to encourage you to do what you need to do to have a good time with your kids. If you can get your excursion back, do it!
I would suggest you say something to your Mom along the lines of This is OUR vacation that we had planned before you wanted to come along. This is what we are going to do and if you want to join us and have fun great. If not you can do whatever you want to have a good time.
I have been on many cruises and do a lot of things by myself. All my husband wants to do it lay in the sun and relax on sea days. I go to activities by myself and never feel awkward. So she will be fine on the ship doing any thing she wants by herself. And you can meet up for dinner,
DO NOT let her guilt you any more. Would you want to do that to your kids? I think not due to the things you say here. So set the example for them to stand up to her respectfully.
And you do not have to give up the bed to her. I believe on the classic ships it can be made into 2 twins and if not, you and your daughter can sleep together and Mom can take the bottom bunk! If you paid your own fare you surely get your own bed!
Let us know how it goes.
Maybe I'm in the minority but if SHE doesn't want to go anymore, she needs to deal with the loss of money like anyone else would. And she can chose to stay on the cruise and be a respectable adult to her daughter and grandkids. You graciously made the plans and did the work, if she doesn't like it she is welcome to cancel. If that is her choice she needs to deal with the consequences. I know you would lose you KSF but it might be worth it.
Just remember if you fill out a card for the future cruise they will send it back to the room where mom may end up seeing it first.
Okay.... Coming from a daughter of deaf parents I feel your pain.... It can be very frustrating dealing with parents who don't always understand the social graces and the proper way to talk to someone without being extremely rude.
Here is my 2 cents worth.....
If you can move rooms I would do that just because the moments you can have alone in your room will be priceless in recharging your sanity. If not that is okay just plan times that you can have moments away (Even if you only lock yourself in the bathroom)
Have you contacted Disney about your mom and if she signs they will provide Interpreters for her so you will not have to interpret everything? It will also give her the opportunity to talk with some other people on the cruise because it can sometimes be really difficult to have conversations with hearing people. It seems like everyone speaks Spanish nowadays but almost no one knows how to have a conversation with a deaf person..... Also this could be part of the reason she is stuck to you like glue because she is afraid to admit she is scared to be on her own and not be able to communicate....
Sit down with her and explain the situation.... Writing it down if necessary.... Explain that you want her to come but that this trip is ultimately for your children and that every decision you make is with their experience in mind and because of this somethings might not seem "fair" to her but it's not going to be fair because she is the adult and this is a vacation for your CHILDREN!!!
I had problems with my mom in the beginning of our vacation time together. However after the 1st one I sat down with her and explained to her that my vacations are EXTREMELY important to me and that any negativity can ruin our trips for my daughter because it stresses me out. I explained to her that if she does not want to put in any of the work of planning the trip she forfeits her right to complain about anything. If she wanted to contribute to the planning she has to do her own research (if she doesn't use the internet you can get some great books at the library) and know that ultimately I make the decisions for my family. I also told her that we have a rule no bad attitudes on vacation for anyone and that includes her. If you don't want to do something then don't but you making that choice means you don't get to complain.
I think the biggest thing I have learned is that sometimes I have to talk to my mom like she talks to me for her to understand what I am trying to say which sometimes means social graces go out the window. I also try and think about what the world must be like for her and try to take a walk in her shoes.... That DOES NOT however give her the right to be such a pain but offers a small explanation.
I will tell you that since my mom and I sat down and laid it all out we have had some fantastic vacations together.... In fact I think I like my mom more on vacation then at home because she "follows the rules" on vacation.... Not so much at home.... Oh well you have to pick your battles....
Just remember you may not always get to choose your circumstances in life but you always have a choice in how you react....
Please feel free to PM me with anything...
Good Luck and have a fabulous trip....
THAT was your first mistake. Old lady here, probably your mom's age mate.
My first thought was - Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
You can be respectful but still firm. You are both adults now. You are not a child any more - you will always be her daughter, but you are NOT a child.
Listen to POPISME and some of the other good advice you've received.
Rebook your excursion for you and the kids. She'll just have to deal with it.
DO NOT I repeat DO NOT give up your bed.
Oh, and if there's a meet thread for your trip, link dining with other families. She'll carp less if there are others to distract her.
Maybe to repatriate the remains?
You're right. I was thinking if the mom wouldn't give her any alone time, she'd only have to find 10 mins of free time.
Dear girl, this has been years in the making, hasn't it? Your mom sounds very much like mine. I've found that polite but firm, clear expectations of behavior works best. (Had to call Mom out one morning in the hotel room at WDW for her snarky comments and passive/aggressive ploys. It wasn't pretty but MAN did it make an impression on the kids and my dad. I didn't yell or curse but forcefully stated that her behavior needed to change STAT or the kids and I would be making our own schedule for the rest of the vacation.)
Please, please let us know how it goes. We're all rooting for you
Had some of the same issues/concerns when my Mother in Law (and Father in law) went on a cruise with us. Although the biggest difference is they had their own cabin.
We stuck to our schedule and invited her to go along but found that she could not keep up. She would tire out and then retire to her room.
So after the first day, except for dinner, we did not see her that much. We really enjoyed the cruise (pretty much stuck to what we wanted to do) and otherwise just made the best of it.
Wish you all the best on your cruise.
[QUOTE="Cinder" Ella's Mom;47092728]. Plus, she may make a friend! Good luck. You and I both know she is going to come![/QUOTE]
There's probably another parent onboard, traveling with an ungrateful, inconsiderate daughter. I'm sure, they'd hit it off....
You've received some excellent advice already. Undoubtedly, your relationship with your mother has always had these dynamics , so I completely agree that it is up to you to change them....mom never will.
First of all, STOP discussing so many details of the trip with her. Give her the TA's number, tell her to call if she wants to cancel, but then back off. Make it clear that she will not receive any reimbursement from you...Why in heck would you even consider that??? Tell her when and where you will pick her up for departure, and ask the TA to let you know if she actually cancels (which I seriously doubt she will). Then, STOP talking about it, unless she has an appropriate question (like which clothing to take). It sounds like you've made up your mind about excursions, which is great. You are under no obligation to include her if it will ruin your kids' fun. Put your kids first, and let mom's complaints go by the wayside. Trust me, your children will respect you far more than if you continue to be a doormat. It's a matter of explaining to them that Grandma has some emotional issues that are in no way anyone else's fault. I'm sure, by now, you've had some kind of discussion with them about her behavior. You are allowing her to push your buttons, which they observe and absorb .
The wonderful thing about a cruise is that there is so much (or little, as you prefer) to do, so you don't really spend much time in the cabin. Keep the cabin you've already booked, since there is a financial loss otherwise, and make the best of the bed situation. As someone else already said, give her a Navigator and a highlighter, tell her what your plans are for the next day (if she asks), and include her as you choose (not as she demands). Feel free to book a Palo brunch for yourself, when the kids are otherwise engaged; just tell her you're taking a walk alone and make sure she knows where to get lunch. Same with the spa...explain what services are available and how to book, then do your own thing. I doubt she'll choose to spend the entire day in the cabin doing nothing.
Most of all, stop stressing so much over making mom happy....because you can't....no matter what you do....it's not going to happen. It's not you, it's her. I've spent years trying to make my DH understand his mom's narcissistic personality....developing Alzheimers has made her much "better" (more tolerable), but that's another issue.
We introduced my 72 yr-old mother to cruising two years ago, and she loved it! Our first cruise together was a 7-day RCI, followed that same year by a 14-day DCL TA (which she basically invited herself on, since she loved the first one so much), then the 14-day EBPC, which we just completed (on which she also invited herself). My special-needs niece (age 28) also sailed with us each time, and the two of them had their own cabin. My mother's husband refuses to travel. I made all the arrangements, incl. private tours/excursions, and my mother participated as she could (with some ambulatory issues). Planning would have been overwhelming for her, but my niece did some research online and kept up with our Dis thread, so they felt "in the loop". Yes, it limited us a little bit, but we still had a blast every time. If DM had behaved the way your mom did, the first one would have been her last . She's now interested in doing Alaska, which we're considering.
I wish you luck (and fortitude!!!); you'll make great memories with your kids, I'm sure. Let us all know how it turns out !
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