Your opinions on this divorced mom, please (long, sorry)

[auntpolly]

One of my best friends has gone through a terrible period of her life and I've been there every step of the way. Her husband, we've found, not only has a girlfriend, but it turns out one of the girlfriend's kids is his. This has been going on for a long time, and it has just basically sucked for my friend for years.

Things are getting a little back to normal for my friend, she's learned how to be happy alone, and she's even started to date. But now I've noticed her doing something I really don't like. She's on a very obvious and upfront (nothing sneaky about this) campaign to cut her ex out of her kids' lives. She has pretty much successfully poisoned their minds (not that he didn't do alot of this himself).

The kids are mad at their dad, I'm not surprised, but I think this is for the kids to work out with him, with my friend's support. Instead, she has told them every single detail about what their dad has done, discouraged them from seeing and talking to him, and has gone so far as to question their loyalty if they do. (They are all teenagers).

I undestand being angry, but I disagree with what she is doing, and frankly, I'm not liking and respecting her very much right now. She's doing better, shouldn't she let it go a little? What do you think?

I don't expect her to be friends with her ex, but I do think a mother who works toward separating her kids from their dad is doing a terrible thing, no matter what the dad has done. Agree? Am I being unfair? Not ever having gone through a divorce, should I just shut up and let her have her revenge?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It sounds as if she was half of the problem of the marriage and is putting it all on the ex. She sounds like a very destructive person and I can see why her ex divorced her. (Remember, behind closed doors marriages can be different.)

Poisioning children minds goes into the "evil", disgusting, etc... category in my book.

So no you are not off base.

 

[auntpolly]

You really think so? Because honestly, I haven't even felt like I want to be friends with her anymore and I'm feeling guilty about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She is harming children. That is not a good person.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I agree. I've seen both sides in person. I have stepchildren and have seen their mother poison them against my DH. Its never good for anyone involved.
My DSis is going through a divorce right now. Her gut reaction is to start speaking negatively in front of her DD11. I stop her and make her think what she is saying. She is also doing the "he's not doing that with my daughter" routine. Gotta stop her and correct her that she's his daughter too. I don't care for my soon to be ex-BIL but I won't tolerate that for my Dniece. Its not fair to her and the kids just really don't understand.
Is there anyway you can speak to her. I know it sounds like you are then siding with the ex, but anything? Maybe you can try the old "let the kids decide for themselves". It sounds like she is really hurting and just responding out of that anger and hurt. Best of luck to everyone involved.

 

[auntpolly]

Thanks! I know that we don't know each other but your words have helped me. I really can't talk about this to our other friends right now. DH says to get rid of her, but he says that about everybody, LOL.

 

[Microcell]

She does need to rise above this and the one thing she needs to remember is this:

The kids will make up thier own minds when they are adults, no matter what she does. I think if I know that someday my child will decide how they feel about me, I would not want it to be that they resent my bitterness. He is a creep, with no morals at all, and they will figure it out on thier own, eventually, if not now.

She will win thier hearts with taking the high road, and if she thinks about it, she looks even better by being the grown up and they will think she is great by not getting eaten up by this, and he will still look like the selfish creep who destroyed their lives. She is giving the ex power and blurring the lines here with bitterness.

 

[auntpolly]

Is there anyway you can speak to her.

Oh, I already have. All the time. We have no problem being honest with one another. She just laughs and says no way is she stopping.

 

[auntpolly]

He is a creep, with no morals at all, and they will figure it out on thier own, eventually, if not now.

He really is a creep. That's why it's so weird defending him. But I feel like I'm defending the kids, not either of them. Not that it matters, she's not listening to me. I reall think this is the end of our friendship -- or am I copping out?

 

[Microcell]

She is harming children. That is not a good person.

He harmed the children, she is just reacting out of pain, and needs to stop, to be sure, but a bad person, I dunno.

 

[auntpolly]

He harmed the children, she is just reacting out of pain, .

Oh, for sure, her heart was BROKEN in all this. I think she needs help, and I've told her that. but she won't go.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

That's so sad for everyone involved. I agree that in the end the children may end up resenting her for the bitterness.
I know my one DSD refuses to speak to her mother.

 

[Ranatra]

Unfortunately, this happens a lot and it's SO wrong.
The thing is, the kids will eventually resent her for doing this and it will come back to bite her in the butt in the end. Tell her that.

 

[Microcell]

He really is a creep. That's why it's so weird defending him. But I feel like I'm defending the kids, not either of them. Not that it matters, she's not listening to me. I reall think this is the end of our friendship -- or am I copping out?

Have you phrased it to her like I did? That he is the one to blame for the breakup, and that she will smell like a rose if she trysto get over it, and that it might even help her really heal and become happier eventually?

My take on this just from what I read (and my life experience) is that her head is buried deep in pain and bitterness, and that is all she can see right now. She needs to get past the pain, but I bet all she can even think about is how to hurt him. The ultimate way to hurt him is to let him hang himself, and to let history decide if you will. Telling her that she will be thought of more fondly with her kids if she takes the high road might get her thinking that direction instead of the more destructive path she is on.

 

[auntpolly]

Unfortunately, this happens a lot and it's SO wrong.
The thing is, the kids will eventually resent her for doing this and it will come back to bite her in the butt in the end. Tell her that.

You know, she's such a smart girl about most things. I've told her that the kids will resent her, but she really doesn't believe it. This thing has really taken hold of her.

 

[Microcell]

To really answer your question, I think that you may have to be a little tough love about it, but you might lose her.

I think I would tell my friend, that I care about her and want to support her in anyway I can, but that I cannot stand by and watch her hurt her kids like this. Have her call you when she wants to figure out a way out of all the pain, or to vent as long as the kids are not being forced to choose which parent they can love. As long as she forces a choice, it may not be her.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

He really is a creep. That's why it's so weird defending him. But I feel like I'm defending the kids, not either of them. Not that it matters, she's not listening to me. I reall think this is the end of our friendship -- or am I copping out?

No, you're not copping out. Sometimes we take all that we can and then have to realize that we can't solve everyone's problems. My DH's ex had a good friend like you. They were honest about everything. But the minute she started defending my DH the ex-wife turned on her friend. They no longer speak. The girls used to send their "aunt" school pics and xmas cards every year but then their mother found out and yelled at them. So of course they stopped. Sometimes you just can't win.

 

[shortbun]

I can tell you are really uncomfortable with this. I understand your friend's reaction but that's just what it is and it needs to stop because it's not healthy for her or her kids. If she continues to make bad choices and chooses to poison her life, you are not required to stand by and watch. It's no longer her ex making bad choices, it's her. As long as you've told her she's being self destructive and damaging her children I don't see that you have any choice but to stop participating. You, after all, DO see the damage being done. Her children are human beings and deserve to NOW begin to make their own choices. Believe me, they will. Good luck and I'm sorry!

 

[skuttle]

My parents divorced when I was in the 4th grade. I lived with my mom, but my dad still wanted to be a big part of my life. My dad never introduced me to any of his girlfriends until I was in college. He often wanted to bring me to the beach or other places for a weekend trip. My mom always guilted me into not going. She would make me feel guilty for loving my dad and wanting to spend time with my dad quite often. I know it all came from her hurt and pain, but it was really unfair of her and sometimes I still resent her for it.

My DS was born in 2003. Last year for his 2nd birthday, my dad wanted to bring his girlfriend. He had been seing this girlfriend for well over a year, she always comes visit us when my dad comes visit us, so it's not like she was a stranger. My mom was very hurt by this and made me feel awful about it. I finally had to tell my mom to essentially just "suck it up." I told her she needs to get over it, this girlfriend has nothing to do with my parents divorce OVER 15 YEARS AGO. That worked wonders. My mom was very civil at DS's party and was downright friendly at Christmas!

Maybe your friend just needs someone to lay it out for her, straight to the point.

 

[dmslush]

I would lay it out for her, just like you have explained it to us. I have seen several women lose custody of their children for doing this same exact thing. It is called Parental Alienation. She needs to be very careful, because there is some attorney out there that would be more than willing to take her ex's cash and put her through the ringers and make sure the ex gets full custody.