You guys are never going to believe this....Update post 79

[wdwfan16]

Well she got to see the house yeaterday. She said it's liveable. It's got more space than the current home they are in and the mortgage is actualy cheaper than the rent they are paying. She is still ticked at him for doing it but she will live with it. She told me that they talked for hours about this and told him how doing this made her feel as a wife, mother and a person. She thinks he finaly "got it". He said that he was really sorry and it just got the best of him. I asked why his mother knew and she didn't and I didn't get an answer so I guess that part is going to be between the two of them. So, the only thing I can do now is wish her the best and be there for her is she needs me for anything. Everyone has to make choices. I guess she is choosing to stay married house or no house.
I want to thank everyone for their responses.

It seems like a good financial deal.

Is the 12 year old the only child?

 

[Colleen27]

Also, mouse house mama is right. You can't just decide you want your child to stay in a school district just because you're willing to drive them there. It's about taxes that pay to keep the school running. It may have worked for you but it looks like you've been out of school for awhile. Things change especially with the economy and shrinking tax bases. What was ok several years ago doesn't fly anymore.

That depends on the state. When I was in school that wouldn't have worked; you had to attend the district your taxes went to or pay tuition to attend in another district. But because of the way funding is handled now, "schools of choice" are the norm and we have the option of sending our kids to any school in the county that we're willing to drive them to.

 

[cm8]

Did I miss something, if I did I apologize but have they actually sat down and talked about this since the big "I bought a house" announcement? I can't imagine what is going on in their house right now....is he walking around like a proud rooster that now owns a new hen house & she's walking around pouting and crying to you and starting to pack ? Are they talking ??


She may want to have a family meeting with him and his parents (send the child out to visit someone maybe you if you're close) and really air out the laundry so to speak.....for all she know the parents could be on the deed with him

Never mind Dr Phil this could turn into an episode of "Snapped"

, Totally agree... But If he did it out of love and not malice( which it seems to point to) then it would be a wonderful gift

 

[cm8]

, Totally agree... But If he did it out of love and not malice( which it seems to point to) then it would be a wonderful gift

Just read your update, Hope it all turns out to be great for your friend

 

[kaytieeldr]

No stated opinion on the entire situation (thanks for the update, PUZZLDY5!), but everybody's talking about school districts in the last few responses.

I just wanted to point out that may not be a factor at all. I live in a city with six or seven elementary schools. It's all the same tax base, i.e. property taxes paid by people in my neighborhood don't go to only the school the kids in this neighborhood attend.

 

[Luvchefmic]

It seems like a good financial deal.

Is the 12 year old the only child?

depends on your point of view..personally I think she married her first child


OP stay strong she's going to need a good friend over the course of her lifetime

 

[DizBelle]

Personally, I would want a house that is more than merely livable.

 

[bettymae1121]

Well she got to see the house yeaterday. She said it's liveable. It's got more space than the current home they are in and the mortgage is actualy cheaper than the rent they are paying. She is still ticked at him for doing it but she will live with it. She told me that they talked for hours about this and told him how doing this made her feel as a wife, mother and a person. She thinks he finaly "got it". He said that he was really sorry and it just got the best of him. I asked why his mother knew and she didn't and I didn't get an answer so I guess that part is going to be between the two of them. So, the only thing I can do now is wish her the best and be there for her is she needs me for anything. Everyone has to make choices. I guess she is choosing to stay married house or no house.
I want to thank everyone for their responses.

Thanks for the update. I hope his intentions all along were good, it sounds like he told her something along the lines of "I thought it would be a wonderful surprise and I didn't think you'd be upset" and I hope that's true and not just a line to get her to calm down. It was still stupid on his part but I can forgive stupidity if it's done with pure intentions, and it sounds like she feels the same.

Thank you to those that posted that in some states, even when the house was bought pre-marriage and is only in one name, the other spouse still has "rights" and has to sign off on any sale. I bought our house prior to our marriage (we were engaged) and he is not on the title or mortgage at all. While I'd NEVER sell it without my DH's knowledge and consent, I always assumed I technically could do so, and that when the time did come I'd be the only one required to be at the closing. If IL has the same laws, DH will be mad, he HATES paper work and "financial" things and leaves it all to me. He won't be happy if he has to attend the closing!

 

[kaytieeldr]

Personally, I would want a house that is more than merely livable.

There's a huge difference between 'she will live with it' and 'livable'. Let's not put words in the OP's friend's mouth, okay? Livable has such a negative connotation; it doesn't sound like there's anything physically wrong with the house (which is what livable/unlivable would imply).

 

[wdwfan16]

There's a huge difference between 'she will live with it' and 'livable'. Let's not put words in the OP's friend's mouth, okay? Livable has such a negative connotation; it doesn't sound like there's anything physically wrong with the house (which is what livable/unlivable would imply).

The mortgage is less than the rent so there will be some money to customize it to the family.

 

[allison443]

This reminds me of the episode of The Office where Jim purchased his parents' house without telling Pam..then he took her there as a surprise, and he had set up the garage as an art studio for her, etc.
He did say to her that if she didn't like it they would sell it, etc.
When we watched it, some in our family thought it was so sweet while others thought it was terrible. Just like this thread!

 

[pixiewings71]

thanks for the update OP. I'm glad she seems to like it and I'm she talked to her DH about it. Hopefully it works out for her.

To address the school issue, we live in a district with quite a few elementary and middle schools and 3 high schools....the way it works here is you can apply to attend any school in the district but you are responsible for transportation, so my DD was supposed to go a certain middle school but that school did not have ANY type of music program so instead I applied and sent her to a different middle school, she was dropped off by me in the morning and she was able to ride the bus home after school. It worked out very well for us. OP have your friend check into that option, it's quite possible it can be done.

 

[Imzadi]

There's a huge difference between 'she will live with it' and 'livable'. Let's not put words in the OP's friend's mouth, okay? Livable has such a negative connotation; it doesn't sound like there's anything physically wrong with the house (which is what livable/unlivable would imply).

The OP said BOTH words:

Well she got to see the house yeaterday. She said it's liveable. It's got more space than the current home they are in and the mortgage is actualy cheaper than the rent they are paying. She is still ticked at him for doing it but she will live with it. She told me that they talked for hours about this and told him how doing this made her feel as a wife, mother and a person. She thinks he finaly "got it". He said that he was really sorry and it just got the best of him. I asked why his mother knew and she didn't and I didn't get an answer so I guess that part is going to be between the two of them. So, the only thing I can do now is wish her the best and be there for her is she needs me for anything. Everyone has to make choices. I guess she is choosing to stay married house or no house.
I want to thank everyone for their responses.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Thanks for the update. The main thing is she has come to terms with it and talked to him about it. You are a good friend.

I still think he's selfish................

 

[Imzadi]

I still think he's selfish................

Maybe he's got "Mommie" problems, or does come from a culture where the wife's opinion doesn't really matter. It would be interesting to know if his mother actually found the place and it was her idea originally. It sounds all well and practical from a financial standpoint. But, who came up with the idea? Did he just happen upon the idea of the house on his own? Or did his mom come up with the idea and that's why they provided the financing, so he never had to ask them to help out?

In the end, he never considered his wife and left her out of the decision-making. But, if the DH put his mother's idea above his wife's input, it could explain a lot as to why the wife's opinions never even mattered in the first place. She never ever had a chance at all, to out-rule his mother in this situation.


I know of an Indian family where the family hierarchy went in descending in order, something like this:

Father
Mother
son, then daughter, (but siblings are about the same level above any female spouse)
male spouse
female spouse
their children last

 

[OceanAnnie]

I still think he's selfish................

Oh me too! I hope she (and he) overcome it.

 

[whatsup]

I sure hope there is a second part to this...like

I won the lotto too!!

 

[Robinrs]

Maybe he's got "Mommie" problems, or does come from a culture where the wife's opinion doesn't really matter. It would be interesting to know if his mother actually found the place and it was her idea originally. It sounds all well and practical from a financial standpoint. But, who came up with the idea? Did he just happen upon the idea of the house on his own? Or did his mom come up with the idea and that's why they provided the financing, so he never had to ask them to help out?

In the end, he never considered his wife and left her out of the decision-making. But, if the DH put his mother's idea above his wife's input, it could explain a lot as to why the wife's opinions never even mattered in the first place. She never ever had a chance at all, to out-rule his mother in this situation.


I know of an Indian family where the family hierarchy went in descending in order, something like this:

Father
Mother
son, then daughter, (but siblings are about the same level above any female spouse)
male spouse
female spouse
their children last

I'd never make it as an Indian...