Yelling - is it child abuse?

[Turn the Page]

I really liked this story. What a good answer when asked what you should have done and you don’t have a clue....umm moved the box?

What really got me about that whole thing is I wasn't even looking for something complicated. I would have been fine with either "I should have used the other bathroom" or "I should have told someone I needed help." But no, all I got was "I should have moved the box." When I told her she should have told someone there was a problem and asked why she didn't ask for help she said "she was in her room and didn't now it was happening"....when I found her standing in the hallway watching the water spread throughout the room. Sometimes I just can't.

 

[LSUmiss]

The curious thing about people who say that it's okay to yell at your child for "normal kid stuff" like doing chores and being late is that I always wonder: do these parents tolerate their child yelling at THEM, ever? Likely not. If your child yelled back, I am willing to bet that NO ONE would ever consider that acceptable. And why is that? Respect. However, I think kids deserve respect at all times too, even when you are annoyed with them. Respect, as they say, is a two way street.

Besides, kids are supposed to model the kind of behavior they see from their parents and the adults in charge of them. If you yell, you are teaching them that yelling is an acceptable way to communicate, and they are going to, in turn, yell at their kids in the future. It's the same cycle that perpetuates other abusive behaviors.

Because my son is autistic, he mirrors the communication style and volume that is used towards him. When I inadvertently yell at him, he yells right back, and I find myself VERY angry when he does that, but then realize it's totally my fault for yelling at him first.

Or is it appropriate for adults to yell at each other to get them to comply. Of course not. Safety when it’s an emergency to me seems the only appropriate use. I don’t think it’s abuse, though, (but could be), it’s just not appropriate or effective IMO. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect & don’t do it occasionally out of frustration, but I also don’t justify that it’s ok or “necessary”.

 

[cabanafrau]

I have six year old fraternal twins and when they are separate I never have to raise my voice with either one. When they are together their individual brains turn off and they have a group brain that is focused on their preferred activities and doesn’t listen at all well to their parents. As an example after five times telling them that it is time to brush their teeth and go to bed with zero reaction both my wife and I tend to raise our voices and that does get action.

Time outs and time without iPad has limited impact on their behavior. I will give an example of the limits. Last night we were in a mall and they started running after each other in a store and they know that is not allowed. I told them that no iPad when we get home because you know no running in stores. Their individual brains took over and each was heartbroken and professed it would never ever happen again. Ten minutes later in a different store their group brain was back in control and they were running after each other again. I stopped them and reminded them ten minutes prior we had a conversation about running in stores-their individual brains engaged and they assured me it wouldn’t ever ever happen again (I am sure it will very next time in a store and their group brain takes over). I asked what should I do in this case as their father. Both agreed I should not allow them their iPads for another day. I agreed and they complained about not having their iPads for two days.

Whenever their group brain is in charge it will not be influenced by the consequences of their actions but their group brain does respond to a raised voice. I could confine them to their rooms for weeks and individually they would be consumed with guilt but jointly no long term impact.

Funny about punishing kids by no iPad. I guess that means I was being punished my entire childhood.

All kids are different and these simple little rules that all parents are expected to follow just do not reflect how individual children are and sometimes seem intended to provide parents a reason to feel good about themselves by following these rules. Some kids have high activity levels and some don’t, some are fearful and some aren’t, some are strong willed and some aren’t. How can you have one size fits all rules.

Parents don't have to figure out one size fits all rules. The tricky part of parenting is figuring out the rules and consequences that fit your kid(s). The part that is really maddening is each kid has the nerve to turn around and be their own self, so the poor parent can't just solve the equation on kid #1 and coast with the rest. Oh no, parents have to reinvent the stinking wheel, discover fire, figure out how to harness electricity, etc., for each and every kid.

 

[amberpi]

Parents don't have to figure out one size fits all rules. The tricky part of parenting is figuring out the rules and consequences that fit your kid(s). The part that is really maddening is each kid has the nerve to turn around and be their own self, so the poor parent can't just solve the equation on kid #1 and coast with the rest. Oh no, parents have to reinvent the stinking wheel, discover fire, figure out how to harness electricity, etc., for each and every kid.

I keep asking for the manuals for the kids. So far, they haven't turned up.

 

[SaintsManiac]

My mother was a screamer and I try very hard not to raise my voice much.

My voice will get louder as I have to repeat myself. For some reason my kid gets in the tub or goes to brush teeth and turns into a sloth of epic slowness.

By the 10th time I have to say "brush your teeth" it comes out quite loud.

That's the extent of my "yelling."

 

[firefly_ris]

Sometimes I just can't.

*fist bump*

 

[sjrec]

Well, I wasn’t a perfect parent, so there probably were times I yelled because I was tired, frustrated, worried. Not often. And never abusive language. When I got myself together I apologized and explained. But because I raised my voice so rarely, my daughter (and my husband!) paid attention. I would try to save the raised voice for immediate danger-running in the street, hot stoves etc. If it’s not life threatening you’re better off stopping the behavior and speaking firmly and explain what the consequences will be if the behavior continues-and then follow up if you have to.

Looking back to my working days, the best and most effective teachers rarely had to raise their voices and the ones who seemed to yell a lot were mostly ignored. So, kind of like parenting.

 

[Sjm9911]

Criminal abuse & abuse are not the same thing. Emotional abuse is abuse but (at least for now) is not a crime.

The op asked is yelling was child abuse. Child abuse is a crime. Yelling at a child is not child abuse.

 

[pahoben]

My mother was a screamer and I try very hard not to raise my voice much.

My voice will get louder as I have to repeat myself. For some reason my kid gets in the tub or goes to brush teeth and turns into a sloth of epic slowness.

By the 10th time I have to say "brush your teeth" it comes out quite loud.

That's the extent of my "yelling."

Yes-kind of like being transported to the driver’s license bureau in Zootopia.

 

[cabanafrau]

I keep asking for the manuals for the kids. So far, they haven't turned up.

They don't come with volume controls either. That was a serious disappointment to my husband.

 

[LSUmiss]

The op asked is yelling was child abuse. Child abuse is a crime. Yelling at a child is not child abuse.

I disagree. Not all forms of child abuse are criminal mostly b/c they are difficult to prove. Emotional/verbal abuse of a child IS child abuse even if it’s not criminal. Physical abuse of a child with no marks or evidence to prove it does not rise to the level of criminal child abuse, but it’s still abuse.

 

[soccerdad72]

They don't come with volume controls either. That was a serious disappointment to my husband.

Duct tape works pretty well as a mute button.

 

[cabanafrau]

Duct tape works pretty well as a mute button.

I suppose that's not abuse if you apply it quietly, is that how that works?

 

[pahoben]

Or is it appropriate for adults to yell at each other to get them to comply. Of course not. Safety when it’s an emergency to me seems the only appropriate use. I don’t think it’s abuse, though, (but could be), it’s just not appropriate or effective IMO. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect & don’t do it occasionally out of frustration, but I also don’t justify that it’s ok or “necessary”.

If I were totally responsible for say the oral health of an adult and they tended not to brush their teeth unless I raised my voice then I would raise my voice so they brushed their teeth.

Children do not automatically mimic their parents. My parents were proponents of spanking and I do not spank because in my individual case I don’t think it was effective. It may be effective in some cases. I could never say that it is not effective in any case.

I attended junior and senior high (this was many years ago) with children from families that would now be described as Progressive (Oberlein/Reed College types). They tended to treat these children as small adults. These children did not turn out well. Children are not small adults.

 

[soccerdad72]

I suppose that's not abuse if you apply it quietly, is that how that works?

Applying it usually isn't the problem - removing can tend to cause issues

 

[Turn the Page]

If I were totally responsible for say the oral health of an adult and they tended not to brush their teeth unless I raised my voice then I would raise my voice so they brushed their teeth.

Children do not automatically mimic their parents. My parents were proponents of spanking and I do not spank because in my individual case I don’t think it was effective. It may be effective in some cases. I could never say that it is not effective in any case.

I attended junior and senior high (this was many years ago) with children from families that would now be described as Progressive (Oberlein/Reed College types). They tended to treat these children as small adults. These children did not turn out well. Children are not small adults.

Not that I am advocating spanking or yelling at your kids but the argument that you wouldn't yell at another adult to get them to comply then you shouldn't yell at kids either is just a bad argument. I am not responsible for raising fellow adults to be well behaved, productive members of society. I AM responsible for raising my kids well behaved, productive members of society. And that fact can and does change my response to behaviors and situations.

 

[LSUmiss]

If I were totally responsible for say the oral health of an adult and they tended not to brush their teeth unless I raised my voice then I would raise my voice so they brushed their teeth.

Children do not automatically mimic their parents. My parents were proponents of spanking and I do not spank because in my individual case I don’t think it was effective. It may be effective in some cases. I could never say that it is not effective in any case.

I attended junior and senior high (this was many years ago) with children from families that would now be described as Progressive (Oberlein/Reed College types). They tended to treat these children as small adults. These children did not turn out well. Children are not small adults.

Right they’re not adults & should be treated with even more kindness & patience. If a child “only responds” to yelling that’s a learned behavior. Again, I’m not saying I don’t ever yell when I get frustrated, but it’s not a method of parenting rather my lack of self control and/or effective skills.

 

[LSUmiss]

Not that I am advocating spanking or yelling at your kids but the argument that you wouldn't yell at another adult to get them to comply then you shouldn't yell at kids either is just a bad argument. I am not responsible for raising fellow adults to be well behaved, productive members of society. I AM responsible for raising my kids well behaved, productive members of society. And that fact can and does change my response to behaviors and situations.

Just b/c you’re tasked with a difficult job doesn’t mean you get to use any means necessary to accomplish it (collective you). It’s about modeling appropriate behavior.

 

[Summer2018]

I never needed to yell at my daughter unless she was about to be in a very unsafe situation, and I was trying to prevent her from getting hurt. I also never spanked her. We discussed everything and still do. My DH is more authoritarian and will become angry and yell on rare occasions.
In general, she was well-behaved and never needed any form of punishment.

In my classroom, I use a calm voice and yell only when someone is in danger. I have most certainly raised my voice in utter frustration, but I know that it is completely ineffective in disciplining children. They know that they are in trouble when I give them "the look" and my voice gets really quiet. I have sufficient behavior systems and routines in place that we generally avoid any real issues.

The teacher next to me screams all day long at those poor kids. I don't think they even notice it anymore. It's as if they are blocking it out. Because of her constant yelling, all of the teachers in my hallway have to keep our doors closed so that she doesn't disturb us. I can still hear her through the cinderblock walls.

 

[nd5056]

...
My voice will get louder as I have to repeat myself. For some reason my kid gets in the tub or goes to brush teeth and turns into a sloth of epic slowness.

By the 10th time I have to say "brush your teeth" it comes out quite loud.

That's the extent of my "yelling."

We're all guilty of this to some extent.

While this is more on the humorous side of this topic, I can't help myself, I must post a link to something I've seen on youtube a while back:

1st:

2nd: