Yelling - is it child abuse?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Perhaps it is. I was just using your post as an example that perspectives can be different. Maybe her dad thought he only yelled when he “had to” but that’s not how she saw it. That’s not psychoanalysis. It’s just fact that we all perceive things differently so I was only using your post to make that point.

I don't think anyone can perceive what the PP experienced as an issue in perspective between a parent and the child. YMMV.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am not a fan of yelling at family members. In fact I have NEVER yelled at either of my step-children. I do not like to see others being yelled at. I can definitely see how it is necessary to alert danger etc...

However from my former experience as a social worker, I know that (at least in Indiana) yelling at children is NOT child abuse. Most counties just will not substantiate on emotional abuse at all, ever. In a rare case in which a county might pursue it, substantiating on such a thing would be extremely difficult and would require extensive documentation and input from doctors etc...

I am definitely not saying it is OK to yell or say hurtful things. I know sometimes words can hurt more than anything.

 

[LSUmiss]

I don't think anyone can perceive what the PP experienced as an issue in perspective between a parent and the child. YMMV.

Objectively, of course. But my point was if her dad told the same story it might sound differently & more like the justifications ppl have given on this thread of why they have to yell at their kids. Having done family therapy for years, I have seen this many times.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Objectively, of course. But my point was if her dad told the same story it might sound differently & more like the justifications ppl have given on this thread of why they have to yell at their kids. Having done family therapy for years, I have seen this many times.

I'll be honest you're going way more in depth into my comment.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Mine too. I did get spanked a few times, but the yelling was almost daily.

My dad got mad and yelled at me about the stupidest things.

Example 1: I started taking swim lessons when I was 5. The lessons were at a family friend's home because they had an indoor pool. They also had one of those couches that shaped like an L. I had new seen one before. Being only 5, I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was telling my dad about it when I made the comment "I wish we could have a couch like that." My dad started screaming at me about how we can't afford a couch like that and how we have no where to put it. I never expected my parents to run out and buy one. My mom had to intervene to get him to stop screaming.

Example 2: I don't like showers. I prefer to take a bath. When I became a teenager, my dad was furious that I was still taking baths. According to him, baths are for kids. Adults only take showers. One night my dad forced me to take a shower instead of a bath. The next morning I was woken up by him screaming at me because I moved the shower head. I never took a shower again. If he was going to scream at me no matter what I did, I was going to do what I wanted.

Example 3: My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. I had no choice but to continue to live at home as an adult because my mom needed help caring for him. Much to my dad's dismay, I'm an adult toy collector. One of my collections is American Girl dolls. On the day one of my orders came in the mail, I was sitting there taking the outfits and accessories out of their boxes. Dad was sitting in his chair watching some science show on tv. We were both minding our own business. I was changing one of my dolls into her new dress when, out of nowhere, my dad screams "I wish you'd start acting like a 30 year old!" By the age of 30 I was done with his unreasonable anger. All I could do was ignore him.

The screaming did affect me. When I was little, I cried a lot. There were a few times when all dad had to do was look at me and I'd start bawling. He had this scowl on his face and I assumed he was going to start yelling. He hadn't been planning on yelling at me, he was just tried. I know it hurt my dad's feelings when I did that. But by then he had trained me to expect the yelling. I eventually grew out of it.

When I became a teenager I started yelling back when he was being unreasonable. But then when I was in high school, my dad remembered my crying. He declared that I would never be able to hold down a job. The first time my boss yelled at me, I would start bawling and then I would get fired. He never said it, but I think my dad saw me as weak. If I can't take being screamed at daily, it's because I'm too weak.

So, you tell me. Was my dad's yelling abuse?

Very sorry to hear that. In retrospect not letting him off the hook bc I still have issues from it and am mad at him about it, but I don't think he really realized the effect it was having on my brother and I and my mother also. To this day he denies it and most people see him as a nice guy, has a very generous side, but he had a bad temper and would just yell about food and traffic and every silly thing. Really like you daily. And I had anxiety issues my entire life from it. He never physically spanked us though. He's elderly now and he still yells lol. PS: Want to say this also, I never yelled at kids that I have had in my care including my grand nephew I care for now. At least it's very minimal. I notice that if I do do it for any reason at all, he acts worse. So I really do not do it. I know how it ruined our relationship and now at his elderly age and his yelling he wonders why no one wants to spend a lot of time with him as he still yells. Yelling really doesn't do anything at all to solve things it doesn't.

 

[sailorstitch]

I hope you know I wasn’t saying any of your was your fault. I was just using your example to make a point. I have done family therapy & it’s very interesting to see the huge differences in perspectives especially in parent & child dynamics.

Of course not. But I have witnessed the difference in perspectives between my parents when they talked about the same event.

I'm very sorry you experienced that, but that is WAY beyond what I was thinking of. I was at the park with the kids today and the moms yelling for their kids to pay attention, or tie their shoes, or that it was time to go home...that's what I was thinking of in my original OP. I don't think anyone would disagree that what you experienced was abusive, both in delivery and content.

Thank you. Sadly, I've been told multiple times that my dad was right. Especially the issue of my dad saying the there was something "mentally wrong" with me for liking Disney. A therapist, psychiatrist, a few school counselors and a pastor all agreed with him. I was constantly being asked "Why to you like Disney?" But it was always asked in a "what's wrong with you" tone of voice. The way the discussion went was that if I could supply a logical and reasonable reason for liking Disney, then they would "allow" it.