WWYD?

[sam_gordon]

OK, this ought to be fun...

Here's the background... DD plays HS and club soccer. She's the been the starting GK for HS for three years, and plays as a defender for club. About half of our club team plays for the HS, including 5/6 rising seniors (other one is a year older). HS Coach coaches for a different club than the local one DD plays in, and doesn't really like the coach DD has for club. Still with me so far?

We have a club game today at our HS (HS soccer is in the fall, club in the spring). HS coach is at the game, we found out it's because the team he takes on an international trip is supposed to practice after our game, whatever. The game is against the club he coaches at, but a different age group (we won 4-1).

When DD got home she told us (according to a group chat), HS coach sat in the booth with one of our club parents. HS coach spent the game talking about how our team is bad (we aren't), playing in a lower division (we are), and the club coach isn't doing a good job (he is). Then he apparently went on and talked bad about individual players. The dad who heard all this, relayed to his daughter, who relayed to the group chat did not go into specifics about what players he talked about. The dad's daughter plays for our rival HS (just for that information), so that's why the coach didn't recognize him.

Now, part of me wants to fire off an email to the coach and athletic director saying we heard he was talking bad about his players (naming players) to a parent he doesn't know, and how unprofessional that is. But, I am worried it would get back to the coach that it was me who fired off the email and he could take it out on DD in either playing time or, I wouldn't put it pas him, not even having her on the team (for her senior year). That's option A.

Option B is to reach out to our club team "manager" (who's DD is also on the HS team) and see if her DD relayed what was in the group chat and see if she'd be willing to reach out to the AD & HS Coach.

Option C is to not do anything.

For most things with kids this age, I'd say it's their battle to fight. For some reason I'm seeing this differently though. I don't think it's because it's my kid, and honestly, I don't know if he talked bad about DD, so I don't know that she actually has a battle. I do feel his actions are SUPER unprofessional and he should be called out for it.

So, talk me down. I'm definitely not doing anything until tomorrow, if I even do anything.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

I would be very tempted to set up a burner email account and send that email. A coach should not be criticizing individual players behind their backs like that.

 

[lifesavacation]

Option C.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

I'll also go with Option C.

In my opinion, the dad that the HS coach talked to really didn't need to share, and should have cut off the HS coach's trash talking early on in that conversation in some way.

 

[nw6675]

IMO, if you are inclined to do something, choose B assuming that person actually manages the team and there is an expectation that he/she handles issues.

I don't think you are overreacting or being Papa Bear in a bad way. The team's morale is probably taking a hit and his actions are totally inappropriate.

Good luck, Sam!

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm going to go with option D. Ask league mgmt. to send out a general reminder that it's a large organization where not everyone is personally known to everyone else, and that it is important for standards of good sportsmanship to keep negative opinions to oneself when at games, not just because it's the right thing to do, but also because you never know who might overhear what you say.

Unless the guy has the hide of a rhino, he'll realize what happened and learn a valuable lesson. (Now if he does it again, then yeah, let him have it with both [figurative] barrels.)

 

[Southernmiss]

How unprofessional!

 

[brockash]

OK, this ought to be fun...

Here's the background... DD plays HS and club soccer. She's the been the starting GK for HS for three years, and plays as a defender for club. About half of our club team plays for the HS, including 5/6 rising seniors (other one is a year older). HS Coach coaches for a different club than the local one DD plays in, and doesn't really like the coach DD has for club. Still with me so far?

We have a club game today at our HS (HS soccer is in the fall, club in the spring). HS coach is at the game, we found out it's because the team he takes on an international trip is supposed to practice after our game, whatever. The game is against the club he coaches at, but a different age group (we won 4-1).

When DD got home she told us (according to a group chat), HS coach sat in the booth with one of our club parents. HS coach spent the game talking about how our team is bad (we aren't), playing in a lower division (we are), and the club coach isn't doing a good job (he is). Then he apparently went on and talked bad about individual players. The dad who heard all this, relayed to his daughter, who relayed to the group chat did not go into specifics about what players he talked about. The dad's daughter plays for our rival HS (just for that information), so that's why the coach didn't recognize him.

Now, part of me wants to fire off an email to the coach and athletic director saying we heard he was talking bad about his players (naming players) to a parent he doesn't know, and how unprofessional that is. But, I am worried it would get back to the coach that it was me who fired off the email and he could take it out on DD in either playing time or, I wouldn't put it pas him, not even having her on the team (for her senior year). That's option A.

Option B is to reach out to our club team "manager" (who's DD is also on the HS team) and see if her DD relayed what was in the group chat and see if she'd be willing to reach out to the AD & HS Coach.

Option C is to not do anything.

For most things with kids this age, I'd say it's their battle to fight. For some reason I'm seeing this differently though. I don't think it's because it's my kid, and honestly, I don't know if he talked bad about DD, so I don't know that she actually has a battle. I do feel his actions are SUPER unprofessional and he should be called out for it.

So, talk me down. I'm definitely not doing anything until tomorrow, if I even do anything.

Option C for sure. Do NOT engage in the drama. You weren't there and have no idea what/how things were said; nor do you have any proof. It is lousy and unprofessional of the coach to have done that if it all happened how you heard? ...of course, but do not play into it. Be the adult and good role model for your kid and let it go. All this is drama.

 

[HopperFan]

Option C for many reasons.

Disclaimer: DS is a high school soccer coach (boys) currently in state playoffs. We have a friend who coached at our kid's HS, multiple state championships, also coached Club ball (opposite sex as required). Family of soccer players, referees, coaches, nieces played through college, nephew played through MLS. Kid played club ball as did many friends. I look at it from both sides.

Why you should let it go ... from someone looking from outside ...

1) You heard none of this yourself.
2) Unless that parent recorded the convo it's just a parent's version of a conversation.
3) Parent absolutely should have told coach who they were.
4) The Dad also has skin in the game since his DD is a rival player against your coach.
5) WHY was he allowed in the booth, he had no reason to be present?
6) WHY would an adult parent share this with his DD?
7) Perhaps parent wanted to upset your team, his DD rival HS team?
8) No good AD is going to take the word of gossip over their coach.
9) If the parent truly heard all that, then it is up to them to raise concerns, only them.
10) You could jeopardize your child's playing time.
11) You could embarrass your child because it will spread like wildfire if you make contact.
12) You could jeopardize relationships with her teammates with gossip.

As a person on both sides of the "high school soccer" level ...
There is always a conflict between club and HS coaches and it often comes to the playing field. Not all parents are clued in because the kids are old enough to not be babysat at practice etc. You take kids who are truly teammates on their club team and now during HS they have to play as a team with their rivals. That is hard enough for a coach to cultivate. Add that often HS coaches and club coaches have different styles of practice, of strategy, of positioning etc. Too often they hear kids tell them that that their club coach doesn't do it that way. It's an ongoing struggle especially for HS coaches. It could be this coach has had a few run ins with this dynamic and was having one of those days so went off. It could be he really didn't say much of what was shared. It could be he shared none of that. There are plenty of competitive parents who will stir pots .............. and the fact that this parent would share this with a child, knowing they would share in a group chat is highly questionable to me. It seems deliberate. You very well could start a huge amount of chaos with third hand gossip. For your DD sake, you both just need to look at it for what it is ... unsubstantiated gossip and don't further it along.

 

[hopemax]

Unless the guy has the hide of a rhino, he'll realize what happened and learn a valuable lesson. (Now if he does it again, then yeah, let him have it with both [figurative] barrels.)

These days, I don't expect learned lessons, but doubling down. HS Coach sounds like one of those guys who thinks he knows better than everyone else, but is actually insecure, which is why he had to run his mouth. I'm not sure you can win with those guys. I believe that smart people, even high school kids can pick up on that type of stuff and karma will eventually catch up.

Isn't their usually, end of the season feedback? I would relate the story in generalities that even though it wasn't DD's coach doing the talking, knowing that another Club coach was talking that way dampers the experience and hurts the kids. Also, if someone directly asks for an opinion about the Coach, I wouldn't go into details, but be clear that you believe he does things that aren't in the best interests of the kids, leagues or sport.

 

[sk!mom]

I'll also go with Option C.

In my opinion, the dad that the HS coach talked to really didn't need to share, and should have cut off the HS coach's trash talking early on in that conversation in some way.

Another vote for C.

The coach was definitely out of line but this dad so unhelpful. We wonder why kids have so much unnecessary drama and meanness. I’m a teacher and this is a big factor. And this is how it starts, modeled by a parent. That dad should have said, “hey I’m ***. My dd plays for ***.” And shut the coach down. Instead he lapped it up, ruined his DD’s day, and she then followed dad’s lead and ruined many other’s day including yours.

Grow up parents. Set a better example!

Again, in no way excusing the coach. Just pointing out that the best outcome would have been for dad 1 to shut him down. But no he wanted drama.

 

[slo]

This is coming from a very experienced parent in this area….

Option C - without a shadow of doubt.

Doing something may backfire and it’s your DD that will pay the price for it.

I agree with everything you say, but keeping silent is best

 

[LuvOrlando]

I would do nothing and say nothing & give it a week or so to see if another parent takes it to the principal.

My kids played a lot of sports and I knew parents with kids in other sports. Something like this will bubble up quickly, every single team had a cluster of parents who would tear coaches up for this sort of thing. Let them get the pitchforks out first then you can add your 2 cents and it will blend. Just wait for it, maybe show up at a practice this week and the next games, there will be a lot of chatter on the sidelines and you will get the scoop. I learned so much at the sidelines, there is a ton of power at the sidelines, just be patient for it to come.

 

[monsterkitty]

The coach made a huge mistake in talking about student athletes and using names in public. This is a huge violation of students' rights and may very well be a violation of FERPA.

We had a new teacher who went to FAC with us. He began to talk about students in a crowded bar and used names. We told him to stop and he did not. We notified our principal and the teacher was put on administrative leave. He was then fired because he was talking about students and using names in a public area.

Someone needs to let administration know, and not just the AD, but the principal as well. The coach was not professional and it needs to be handled so that he doesn't do it again.

 

[kdonnel]

I'm lazy and don't enjoy drama.

Option C.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I would go with Option C. If the conversation got back to you, it likely got back to other parents as well. There's a good chance that someone will call out the coach, or at least let him know his out-of-line comments are making the rounds. As much as you want to nail him, there are too many potential repercussions for your DD. Sit back and let it play out. Even if no one confronts him, his reputation will likely be damaged.

 

[sam_gordon]

Thank you all for your replies. I don't disagree with anything anyone has said.

To clarify a few points...

I don't know why the booth was open, but it was. It wasn't being used for anything official (no scoreboard for club games). If it's open, people can go in there.

Regarding the dad who relayed the conversation, I agree he shouldn't have relayed the conversation to his DD. If the roles were reversed, I probably would have told DW, but no way DD. It is possible he's making the entire thing up or trying to stir up trouble within our HS team, but I don't think (based on previous conversations with him) that he's that diabolical. On the other hand, it doesn't surprise me the HS coach would have acted that way (if that makes sense).

While slightly unprofessional HS coach "downtalked" club coach, I don't think that's the big issue. *IF* he truly was naming girls on any team, whether his, the rival, or a 3rd party, THAT'S what I have a large problem with.

As far as talking at practice, that doesn't happen at this age. I haven't been to a team practice in I don't know how many years. DD now even drives herself. Parents see each other at games. And many of these girls have been together for the last 7 years.

It does feel good just to type out my frustration.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Toughest thing about parenting young adults is moving towards friendship, it is a bumpy road and tough on parents. Maybe this will be a learning experience for your child, never know when they will show up. Some adults, like Coach, are not nice and have favorites, she will see it over and over again in life and she will get a front row seat at how it plays out. It's very hard to pivot to friend zone but maybe this is a great opportunity to work on this issue together, as friends.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Another vote for Option C.

 

[focusondisney]

OMG it’s high school sports. Not life & death. High school kids make enough drama on their own without parents starting more. Just leave it alone.