WWYD? Pregnant teen at my DD's high school pestering my DD..........

[EnchantedTales]

Nope, I am with you 100%.

I'm following the two of you on that one. It IS her business! It's one thing to make a mistake, it's quite another one to instigate and promote others to the same.

Unlike some here I would absolutely go to a counselor. In fact I would request a seat change for my child. Flame me if you like folks, but my job is to seek the best interest for my child and this sort of thing would make my child extremely uncomfortable, and my daughter has no problem on being outspoken when something bothers her. However, I see no reason why she should have to listen to that in the middle of a class. Shouldn't the pregnant girl be paying attention to class instead? Doesn't she already have enough problems?

It never ceases to amaze how many parents think once your child reaches high school it is time to stick your head in the sand and pretend like that they no longer need a parent.

I could have sworn we as parents are responsible for our children until they reach the age of 18.

Oh and while we are on the subject, someone want to tell the school that I do not need to sign all those class room rules that were sent home from each high school class my son attends because it's none of my business what he does in school or life at 14, thanks so much!

P..I wouldn't go to the counselor I would talk to your daughter about it not being a good idea to have a child while still a minor.

Adolescents are easily impressionable, there is a reason why peer pressure works better on them than in other people. Their brains are still in the developing stages, it's hard to see what your opinion when you're caught in between parents, family and friends ideas. Just because your child can cook, clean,and do his/her homework on their own it doesn't mean that they can be let loose into the world. Heck I'm 40 and I still seek out my mom's guidance for stuff.

Perhaps it's cultural but back home children are children until the day you die. Until that happens your job is to listen, guide and help them. Don't like the idea, don't have any...

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

That would be exactly my worry! Your daughter may have a good head on the shoulder, but what about other kids who have serious issues and easily swayed? Remember the story about a high school were 90 girls were pregnant because they are making arrangements with each other? Not talking about it and keeping it quiet is not going to help other teens. Why should I, or you, sit and stand for that sort of behavior just because my daughter is older than 5? Suzie is making her problem, my problem. Money doesn't grown in trees, don't we have enough economic problems as it is?

 

[luvmy3]

Not so. I wrote that I told DD to be friendly and kind to Susie, until Susie told her to try to get herself knocked up.

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

Right, now you are going to say that you want the counselor to know because you think this girl needs help. Sorry, not buying it. Also I don't think you are an uppity parent, I think you want to keep your dd sheltered from what really is out there instead of helping her deal with it. You can call it assuming, but I've read your posts. Including this from the OP
Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

 

[Tiger926]

Pot, meet kettle. Yikes...

And the same goes for lots of other posters jumping on the OP. Lots of judgements about OP's judging of Susie being wrong. And yes, I know that's how the Dis works, but I still think the mentality is bizarre (even when I participate in it, as I'm doing here ).

OP, I agree with the consensus that it is probably not appropriate to speak to the counselor about Susie's actions, but I wholeheartedly agree that you should be coaching your daughter on how to react to the peer pressure from this classmate.

Some posters on here apparently think at 14 you should be shipping your daughter off to fight a war on foreign soil, and while you're at it, she should figure out how to get her own transportation, weapons and armor.

Of course teenagers discuss inappropriate things with each other. Of course peer pressure exists, and has forever. That's why, as parents, we need to talk to our own kids about why those decisions and ideas are inappropriate and why they don't mesh with our values. Because without parental buffering on the other side, kids end up making even more bad decisions than they'll already make despite the support and guidance of their parents.

Guess what, I still get advice from my parents (well, from my father, since my mother is dead) and I'm a successful 36 year old business leader...I hope I'm still getting advice and guidance until he dies. I wish I could also receive guidance from my mother.

I have no idea why you quoted me, as nothing I have said is hypocritical towards the OP at all. It's fine to feel that what Susie has done is wrong, none of us are disputing that. It's wrong for the parent to want to run to a counsellor about a second hand conversation her daughter had with the girl in class. It's the OP's job to parent her own child, and use this experience with this classmate as a teachable moment.

No one has said it's none of the OP's business and to butt out of the entire topic, but what we have said is that it's none of her business to run to the school counsellor about Susie mentioning some ridiculous things to her daughter in class.

By the way, I believe that you are a parent until the day you die, so that is not what is going in here with me.

I'm following the two of you on that one. It IS her business! It's one thing to make a mistake, it's quite another one to instigate and promote others to the same.

Unlike some here I would absolutely go to a counselor. In fact I would request a seat change for my child. Flame me if you like folks, but my job is to seek the best interest for my child and this sort of thing would make my child extremely uncomfortable, and my daughter has no problem on being outspoken when something bothers her. However, I see no reason why she should have to listen to that in the middle of a class. Shouldn't the pregnant girl be paying attention to class instead? Doesn't she already have enough problems?


Adolescents are easily impressionable, there is a reason why peer pressure works better on them than in other people. Their brains are still in the developing stages, it's hard to see what your opinion when you're caught in between parents, family and friends ideas. Just because your child can cook, clean,and do his/her homework on their own it doesn't mean that they can be let loose into the world. Heck I'm 40 and I still seek out my mom's guidance for stuff.

Perhaps it's cultural but back home children are children until the day you die. Until that happens your job is to listen, guide and help them. Don't like the idea, don't have any...

That would be exactly my worry! Your daughter may have a good head on the shoulder, but what about other kids who have serious issues and easily swayed? Remember the story about a high school were 90 girls were pregnant because they are making arrangements with each other? Not talking about it and keeping it quiet is not going to help other teens. Why should I, or you, sit and stand for that sort of behavior just because my daughter is older than 5? Suzie is making her problem, my problem. Money doesn't grown in trees, don't we have enough economic problems as it is?

You seriously would request a seat change for a 14 year old? The OP's daughter is not a 3 year old in preschool getting beaten up by a rough seatmate, but a 14 year old who claims she is being pestered by a pregnant teen. Really, does what Susie says have that much power over your daughter or OP's daughter? It only will if you are fearful that Susie might have an influence on your daughters, and that is why it is your job to be a positive parent and use this as a teachable moment.

I really feel like I'm in some other alternate universe here...If a parent came to me requesting a seat change so that her daughter didn't have to sit next to that pregnant girl...yikes! I feel like we are back in the 60s where girls were sent away from their homes and schools to have their babies in silence.

Just because I don't feel that OP's place is to run to the counsellor, it does not mean we are condoning teen pregnancy at all. That is a huge ridiculous leap...

Thank goodness it is no longer like that.

In our district, one of the high schools (in the top 50 in the national list that comes out yearly) has a program for pregnant teens.

They, as in both parents, go to high school, continue in their IB and AP classes while taking parenting classes (those who are choosing to keep their babies) and getting counseling on choices if not on the side.

Once the babies are born, there is an onsite daycare for the babies so the teens can stay in school and graduate. Counselors help with college aps, scholarships and getting them set up so they can be successful parents and members of society.

And you don't think the school counselors are already not involved with a 16 year old pregnant student? That they are ignoring it?

The OP does not need to tattle on Susie.

But I haven't heard a single person say the OP should not parent her own child and let her flounder.

Every single poster has told the OP to discuss it with her daughter and teach her the tools to handle peer pressure.

That is parenting. Parenting is not running to the school, tattling, to change the world for their child. That is generally viewed as helicoptering a snowflake.

Teach a child to handle a minor peer pressure like a casual suggestion in class about getting pregnant and the child will be in a much better position to handle a harder situation when she is at a party and somebody hands her a joint, a beer, a boy copping a feel when Mom is not there to run to the school.

Thank you for defending those of us at the school level who deal with this on a daily basis. We have to do much the job of the parents of these teens who have gotten themselves into these situations, but we do so, because the students and those babies need us to help them. Like I said, I live and breathe teen pregnancies each and everyday, and have 8 girls to care for now at my alternative highschool. We are the farthest thing from glamorizing, and we do counsel our students to see all of the choices that are in front of them in regards to graduating highschool.

We know exaclty how to help these students now that they are in this situation, and we teach the other students how not to make those same choices, but in reality, most of the students are the best teachers as they tell the others what a hard life it is to be a teen parent.

That may be true but it is not the OPs place to go to the counselor for a student that isn't her child. FTR, I don't believe the OP was going to go to the counselor for the benefit of the pregnant girl I think she wants to go to teh counselor to help shield her dd from the undesirable element in her class. That is why she is getting the responses she is

Yup, as I said from my first post, I firmly believe that this is what is at play here.

Not so. I wrote that I told DD to be friendly and kind to Susie, until Susie told her to try to get herself knocked up.

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

Sorry, but I still don't believe that was your true intention. You have been very forthcoming about painting your daughter in a very idealized way, and you have done that for a reason...to show that she is very different from Susie. Please don't think I'm not saying you should be proud of your daughter, because you should, but I think your concern to run to the counsellor was for protection of your daughter, and not necessarily to help Susie or other young teens. It's ok to feel scared and nervous about the situation, but trust in your instincts as a parent, and take it from that angle with your daughter as a teachable moment.

Right, now you are going to say that you want the counselor to know because you think this girl needs help. Sorry, not buying it. Also I don't think you are an uppity parent, I think you want to keep your dd sheltered from what really is out there instead of helping her deal with it. You can call it assuming, but I've read your posts. Including this from the OP
Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

I do agree, and it bothers me that others think that the OP has been flamed in a bad way, and that we are saying that she should not be involved in her daughter's life at age 14. On the contrary...she should be involved in her daughter's life at 14, and longer. I firmly believe that we are always parents, but our roles change throughout the years. 14 is a confusing age, so positive parenting is essential, and that is where OP comes in.

I feel sad for Susie as I know what she is in for, but at this point, running to the school counsellor will serve no other purpose than protecting her daughter from Susie.



This has been a very interesting thread, Tiger

 

[AlwaysMoving]

Not so. I wrote that I told DD to be friendly and kind to Susie, until Susie told her to try to get herself knocked up.

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

The counselor's office would be really busy if they were informed of every conversation involving sex or unprotected sex for that matter. Most schools pass out free condoms and give sex ed classes, where they are already covering the subject of unprotected sex and the consequences. If you have already told your daughter about the realities of teen pregnancy, what more do you think the counselor is going to be able to do for your daughter? At this point, I feel the focus should be on your daughters answer to Susie, not having someone tell Susie to stop talking about sex and the benefits of it. What if this were 2 years in the future, your daughter is dating, and during lunch break, the boyfriend talks to your daughter about going to the next level with the relationship. Do you talk to your daughter or do you expect the counselor to tell the boyfriend to stop talking about sex? Sooner or later your daughter needs to be able to handle the situation on her own, because there may not be time for her to come home and say "mom, what do I do?".

 

[goofy!]

I'm following the two of you on that one. It IS her business! It's one thing to make a mistake, it's quite another one to instigate and promote others to the same.

Unlike some here I would absolutely go to a counselor. In fact I would request a seat change for my child. Flame me if you like folks, but my job is to seek the best interest for my child and this sort of thing would make my child extremely uncomfortable, and my daughter has no problem on being outspoken when something bothers her. However, I see no reason why she should have to listen to that in the middle of a class. Shouldn't the pregnant girl be paying attention to class instead? Doesn't she already have enough problems?

Really? You would call your high school freshman's teacher and request a seat change for your child rather than encouraging your teenager handle it on her own by asking the teacher for a seat change?

Our high school teachers really, REALLY discourage parents from holding the students back from growing up.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Really? You would call your high school freshman's teacher and request a seat change for your child rather than encouraging your teenager handle it on her own by asking the teacher for a seat change?

Our high school teachers really, REALLY discourage parents from holding the students back from growing up.

So much irony in this statement within the context of this thread. One child grew up too fast and the other finding her way.

I would encourage my child to ask for a seat change herself. But even so, in this situation I certainly wouldn't chastise a parent for stepping in if the child of 14 needed it or wanted it. That's just me.

 

[Tiger926]

The counselor's office would be really busy if they were informed of every conversation involving sex or unprotected sex for that matter. Most schools pass out free condoms and give sex ed classes, where they are already covering the subject of unprotected sex and the consequences. If you have already told your daughter about the realities of teen pregnancy, what more do you think the counselor is going to be able to do for your daughter? At this point, I feel the focus should be on your daughters answer to Susie, not having someone tell Susie to stop talking about sex and the benefits of it. What if this were 2 years in the future, your daughter is dating, and during lunch break, the boyfriend talks to your daughter about going to the next level with the relationship. Do you talk to your daughter or do you expect the counselor to tell the boyfriend to stop talking about sex? Sooner or later your daughter needs to be able to handle the situation on her own, because there may not be time for her to come home and say "mom, what do I do?".

I actually had a parent crying in my office and pleading with me to convince her 16 year old daughter to start taking birth control, and to stop dating her 21 year old boyfriend.

I made sure I let the mom know that I understood how difficult the situation was (the student was skipping out of school to see the boyfriend during the day, until we got involved, but she ultimately dropped out of school), but it was not my place to make sure her daughter took birth control pills, nor could I do anything about who she was dating. As a Catholic school this was a tricky conversation, but I was very firm in explaining to the mom that it was not our job, but mom kept crying about how she had no control over her daughter, but she did seem to respect us at the school level, especially myself, as I was her contact teacher. I did speak to the daughter extensively about making positive choices, but ultimately, she chose to do what she was going to do, as parents had lost control, and so she could not see any consequences to her actions. I fear that she ended up pregnant and not graduating highschool, as we have not seen her back in our specialized program (the only one of its kind in the area).

It's difficult to see the situations that young teens get themselves into, and we do as much as we can at the school level, but so much of this stuff has to be discussed at home at much younger ages. The problem is when the parents themselves are at-risk due to mental illness, drug addiction, alcoholism and gambling problems, and so these parents can't provide the guidance and discussion that the OP is providing to her daughter. And then there are some parents who really have stopped parenting their teens as they are bored with it, or too busy with their careers, so some of these kids get pregnant in order to find love and acceptance...

This is where the OP's discussion with her daughter is so important, and her empowerment of her daughter in being able to speak up for the day that she finds herself in a similar situation.

Tiger

 

[YodaGirl]

My kids never had to face this either-no pregnant kids at their HS either
I would encourage her to find other friends at school

Back in the olden days when i was in HS-a pregnant girl had to leave school and be home tutored

I'm glad that girls aren't shoved away somewhere, anymore.

When I was in school, there was at least one girl in my grade who was pregnant from 7th grade till I graduated in 1999. In fact, there were pregnant girls in high school (granted, not as many), when my parents graduated in 1973.

I'm interested to know if your dd15 paid for these shower gifts herself? IMO I think it is very inappropriate for young teens to attend baby showers for friends, especially if it isn't even their money purchasing the gifts. I think it glamorizes it. The reality is that 15 yo friends rarely have the money to buy gifts for babies. They are in the time of their life where they are saving for college, cars, going to dances, buying clothes. If my DD really wanted to pay for a baby gift I would let that be her choice though. Also, in my experience, teens tend to buy things like outfits that aren't practical and shoes that are cute, but the baby will only wear once, if at all. They are really clueless to the real needs of a baby. My 20 yo sister-in-law just had her second. He is 3 months old and they still don't have a mattress for him. BUT her DH did just buy himself a 3D phone. Priorities at that age (for some) are just not exactly in order. A lot of teens that TRY to get pregnant aren't exactly on the right developmental track and therefore, make ridiculous decisions. I think girls who have "accidents" are more realistic. AGAIN this is only in my opinion of what I'VE SEEN.

I don't think that it glamorizes it in the least. I think that your point of view is a sad one.

Not so. I wrote that I told DD to be friendly and kind to Susie, until Susie told her to try to get herself knocked up.

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

I don't think that there will be any girl who gets pregnant just on Susie's say-so. I can't imagine any 14 yr old thinking, "Oh, Susie says I should get pregnant because it's so much fun. I think I'll go do that!". I understand peer pressure, but at some point, you have to trust that you've (general you) raised your child enough to know better than that - and you need to give them some credit.

If a classmate does actively try to get pregnant based on Susie's suggestion, I'm sure that there were underlying issues.

Unlike some here I would absolutely go to a counselor. In fact I would request a seat change for my child. Flame me if you like folks, but my job is to seek the best interest for my child and this sort of thing would make my child extremely uncomfortable, and my daughter has no problem on being outspoken when something bothers her. However, I see no reason why she should have to listen to that in the middle of a class. Shouldn't the pregnant girl be paying attention to class instead? Doesn't she already have enough problems?

Seriously? I can't imagine treating my high school child like a 4 year old. In fact, my DD is 4, and I wouldn't ask for a seat change in her class unless she was in physical danger...and I'm a teacher at her school. Situations like this are called teachable moments for a reason. You teach a child how to handle different aspects of life...and that's not by running away from them.

Adolescents are easily impressionable, there is a reason why peer pressure works better on them than in other people. Their brains are still in the developing stages, it's hard to see what your opinion when you're caught in between parents, family and friends ideas. Just because your child can cook, clean,and do his/her homework on their own it doesn't mean that they can be let loose into the world. Heck I'm 40 and I still seek out my mom's guidance for stuff.

True, but at some point, you have to give your child enough credit to trust that you have taught them well enough. At 14, especially in today's society, teen pregnancy should have already been discussed. Like I said previously, if a teenager attempts to get pregnant based on one girl's suggestion, there were underlying issues to begin with.

Perhaps it's cultural but back home children are children until the day you die. Until that happens your job is to listen, guide and help them. Don't like the idea, don't have any...

Yes, they are always your children. Funny thing about children, however, is that they grow up. The older they get, the more capable they become at handling situations. It's bad for a child's emotional growth to always treat them as though they are the same age. At 5, children are more capable of handling things than at 3. At 10, more capable than at 5. At 14, more capable than 10.

It never ceases to amaze me the number of parents who will not loosen the apron strings as a child grows older. I always feel for those kids when they go to college. Talk about a culture shock.

That would be exactly my worry! Your daughter may have a good head on the shoulder, but what about other kids who have serious issues and easily swayed? Remember the story about a high school were 90 girls were pregnant because they are making arrangements with each other? Not talking about it and keeping it quiet is not going to help other teens. Why should I, or you, sit and stand for that sort of behavior just because my daughter is older than 5? Suzie is making her problem, my problem. Money doesn't grown in trees, don't we have enough economic problems as it is?

Once again, if one student is swayed by the suggestion (or even continual suggestion) of one classmate, then there were underlying issues to begin with.

 

[C.Ann]

I WOULD talk to my daughter to explain what she's done isn't "okay" or "right" and I would talk to her about how to shut the girl down when she talked about it by changing the subject and making it clear that's not how she wants to live her life..

I guess I was thinking that by now, this talk has already taken place..

It's the OP's business to inform her daughter on the realities of being a teen mom, of waiting to have sex, about protection, etc. And it's the OP's business to teach her child how to stand up for herself and how to not bow to peer pressure. This is the perfect time to teach the peer pressure lesson to the child.

OP - use this as a great lesson in NOT giving into peer pressure and teaching your DD how to be strong and tell a kid to back off. .

And this talk as well..

Just out of curiosity, what does your DD want you to do? In situations involving non-threatening issues I've always asked my DD how she'd like me to help her. Sometimes she hasn't wanted me to do anything and other times she has wanted me to intervene. I think getting your DD's input on how best to handle the situation would be your first step.

This seems like a good approach to me..

~ I never said DD was being "threatened". I said "pestered", which means annoyed, and that's exactly what I meant. Not sure why anyone would think I meant anything else.

DD talks to me daily about Susie. When I come home at the end of the day, the first thing out of her mouth is, "Guess what Susie said/did today?" Clearly, she is bothered.

What is she saying that indicates she is "bothered" and what is she asking you to do about? That's key to the entire situation..

~ I think it is DEFINITELY "wildly inappropriate" (my words) for a 16-year old girl to suggest to a 14-year old girl that she should "hook up" and try to get pregnant! Does no one agree with me on that point?

Yes - it's wildly inappropriate, but if your DD is not prone to falling prey to what others are doing there's really nothing for you to worry about - right?

~ I'm not wanting to talk to the counselor at school about MY DD --- I want to talk to her about Susie, and the fact that she might need some guidance on the appropriateness of talking freshmen girls into becoming unwed mothers.

But this is not your job.. Obviously the school (and everyone in it) knows that Susie is pregnant and they can't stop her from talking about it short of putting duct tape over her mouth.. I would be very surprised if the school counselor isn't already involved in Susie's situation..

I'm not worried about Susie's influence on my daughter -- I'm confident that my daughter has a good head on her shoulders and will make good choices. I'm just annoyed by the fact that she's trying to make this *planned* teen pregnancy appealing to other young girls.

As long as you are confident that you're DD is going to make good choices, your job is done.. And the post below this sums it up very, very well..

Op - Prepare your daughter for the world, don't try to prepare the world for your daughter.

There are a million Susies in the world. Your daughter will be influenced, pressured and tempted for the rest of her life. Use every one of the situations that you are aware of as a teaching experience so she has the morals to make the right choice when the situations you are not aware of come around.

It's time to let Susie's parents take care of Susie.. If your DD is really bothered by this - and not just sharing her day with you (as in: "Mom, you'll never guess what......" - which my DGD does every single day) - I think she's old enough to approach her teacher and ask that her seat be changed.. All she has to tell the teacher is that Susie is a chatterbox and it makes it hard for her to concentrate on her studies..

I'm sure it will work out fine - and as you said, Susie will be leaving school soon anyhow.. Till then, just keep talking to your DD and listening to your DD.. That's really all you can do..

Good luck..

 

[lizanne]

I've read a lot of the posts in this thread, but not all so I'm sorry if this was addressed before.

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue. I think I remember a situation where a group of girls in one school got pregnant. They thought it was cool. I realize this is one girl, but she certainly could catch the ear of someone less stable than the OP's daughter.

I believe you have to trust your gut and do what you think is right.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue.

I would think that would be a situation that the teacher would refer the student (not the one who is pregnant) to the counselor, since advice on personal issues is a slippery slope. Unless the pregnant student has told the other student she is thinking of trying to harm herself, there is no need for the pregnant student to be counseled. This is internal conflict (saying no to peer pressure) within the non pregnant student and the reason why she should be the one to go speak to the counselor.

 

[Tiger926]

I've read a lot of the posts in this thread, but not all so I'm sorry if this was addressed before.

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue. I think I remember a situation where a group of girls in one school got pregnant. They thought it was cool. I realize this is one girl, but she certainly could catch the ear of someone less stable than the OP's daughter.

I believe you have to trust your gut and do what you think is right.

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue.

I would think that would be a situation that the teacher would refer the student (not the one who is pregnant) to the counselor, since advice on personal issues is a slippery slope. Unless the pregnant student has told the other student she is thinking of trying to harm herself, there is no need for the pregnant student to be counseled. This is internal conflict (saying no to peer pressure) within the non pregnant student and the reason why she should be the one to go speak to the counselor.

In our case, it depends upon the school. My school is a specialized alternate highschool where a lot of pregnant students are in attendance all year (we have both pregnant girls and fathers in our population). So, part of our job is to informally counsel, lots of classroom discussion and referrals, if appropriate.

In this case, if this were a student in my class, I would address it with the pregnant student, if I heard it. If the OP's daughter came up to me, I would counsel her on getting empowered to speak to Susie on her own. We don't have assigned seats in our school, so OP's daughter could just move on her own, if she were at my school, and so I wouldn't need to move her at all.

As mentioned, counselling on personal issues is very tricky. Susie may be inappropriate and have a very idealized vision of what her future as a teen mom is going to be like, so you would have to be very careful. We are specially trained at my school and are expected to address such issues in private, or in front of class, depending upon the issue. But, you need to have developed a relationship with Susie before you go pulling her in the hall and isolating her choices as wrong. The fact of the matter is that she is due to give birth, and so our focus at my school is to help her be a positive and healthy parent, and to provide as much education and guidance as we can in order to prevent this from happening again. And we also do as much as we can not to glamorize the teen parenting choice at all.

It's a hard topic, and one that needs to be handled delicately at the school level. Our first focus is that the pregnant teens do not feel isolated, bullied or harassed in such a way that they hurt themselves or their babies, and that is exactly what could happen if this situation was not handled in a delicate manner.

Tiger

 

[luvmy3]

I've read a lot of the posts in this thread, but not all so I'm sorry if this was addressed before.

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue. I think I remember a situation where a group of girls in one school got pregnant. They thought it was cool. I realize this is one girl, but she certainly could catch the ear of someone less stable than the OP's daughter.

I believe you have to trust your gut and do what you think is right.

I imagine a HS teacher would just change the OPs dd's seat. SOme 16 year old girl making a comment about getting pregnant young is better because you can go on welfare really doesn't warrant an intervention. Even saying there are plenty of boys to hook up with doesn't either.

 

[EnchantedTales]

I've read a lot of the posts in this thread, but not all so I'm sorry if this was addressed before.

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue. I think I remember a situation where a group of girls in one school got pregnant. They thought it was cool. I realize this is one girl, but she certainly could catch the ear of someone less stable than the OP's daughter.

I believe you have to trust your gut and do what you think is right.

An even better question off course I expect some to tell you that their situation is different and so forth. Because then it would inconvenience them, and in my experience a lot of teachers want the kids to tough it out and parents to teach their kids, until it becomes their problem. Then is a different story... In all my years as a volunteer and working in the schools I've seen that sort of thing way too many times...

Seriously? I can't imagine treating my high school child like a 4 year old. In fact, my DD is 4, and I wouldn't ask for a seat change in her class unless she was in physical danger...and I'm a teacher at her school. Situations like this are called teachable moments for a reason. You teach a child how to handle different aspects of life...and that's not by running away from them

.

Yes seriously. Why does my daughter have to be inconvenience in the class because someone can't keep their mouth shut? You can say all you want about how they need to learn and all that and you are free to carry on with that. Me? I don't feel that instead of paying attention to a teacher they should be talking about something completely unrelated and that have no clue of what the reality is. Easily fix by separating the students. In fact Susie should be sitting front row. Perhaps if she would have been listening to the teacher she wouldn't be knocked up.

You seriously would request a seat change for a 14 year old? The OP's daughter is not a 3 year old in preschool getting beaten up by a rough seatmate, but a 14 year old who claims she is being pestered by a pregnant teen. Really, does what Susie says have that much power over your daughter or OP's daughter? It only will if you are fearful that Susie might have an influence on your daughters, and that is why it is your job to be a positive parent and use this as a teachable moment.

I really feel like I'm in some other alternate universe here...If a parent came to me requesting a seat change so that her daughter didn't have to sit next to that pregnant girl...yikes! I feel like we are back in the 60s where girls were sent away from their homes and schools to have their babies in silence.

Just because I don't feel that OP's place is to run to the counsellor, it does not mean we are condoning teen pregnancy at all. That is a huge ridiculous leap...

As I said above I don't see why I have to loose teachable and material time for a girl that clearly has no idea what she's talking about and that is not related to the class. My daughter would be polite and ignore the kid up but there is so much talking that you can ignore before it really annoys you. I love how people ignore the essential part of my argument. It's an inconvenience for the class. Wouldn't a teacher be annoy by the two teenagers talking all the time in the back of the class? Isn't teachers pet peeves that teenagers don't pay attention and then fall behind in the class. So pick a battle stick to it. Either it's not a problem and you let the kid tough it out and the teacher get two students that are clearly not paying attention to class, or, it is a problem and the two students need to be separated so they can start paying attention to the teacher. Which one is it going to be? I know my choice, you do what you want.

 

[lizanne]

In our case, it depends upon the school. My school is a specialized alternate highschool where a lot of pregnant students are in attendance all year (we have both pregnant girls and fathers in our population). So, part of our job is to informally counsel, lots of classroom discussion and referrals, if appropriate.

In this case, if this were a student in my class, I would address it with the pregnant student, if I heard it. If the OP's daughter came up to me, I would counsel her on getting empowered to speak to Susie on her own. We don't have assigned seats in our school, so OP's daughter could just move on her own, if she were at my school, and so I wouldn't need to move her at all.

As mentioned, counselling on personal issues is very tricky. Susie may be inappropriate and have a very idealized vision of what her future as a teen mom is going to be like, so you would have to be very careful. We are specially trained at my school and are expected to address such issues in private, or in front of class, depending upon the issue. But, you need to have developed a relationship with Susie before you go pulling her in the hall and isolating her choices as wrong. The fact of the matter is that she is due to give birth, and so our focus at my school is to help her be a positive and healthy parent, and to provide as much education and guidance as we can in order to prevent this from happening again. And we also do as much as we can not to glamorize the teen parenting choice at all.

It's a hard topic, and one that needs to be handled delicately at the school level. Our first focus is that the pregnant teens do not feel isolated, bullied or harassed in such a way that they hurt themselves or their babies, and that is exactly what could happen if this situation was not handled in a delicate manner.

Tiger

Your students are lucky to have you and the other teachers. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be a teacher today.

 

[goofy!]

I've read a lot of the posts in this thread, but not all so I'm sorry if this was addressed before.

I wonder what the advise would be if the OP was told about this by one of her students, not her daughter. As a teacher, a person in authority, wouldn't she be expected to address the issue. I think I remember a situation where a group of girls in one school got pregnant. They thought it was cool. I realize this is one girl, but she certainly could catch the ear of someone less stable than the OP's daughter.

I believe you have to trust your gut and do what you think is right.

An even better question off course I expect some to tell you that their situation is different and so forth. Because then it would inconvenience them, and in my experience a lot of teachers want the kids to tough it out and parents to teach their kids, until it becomes their problem. Then is a different story... In all my years as a volunteer and working in the schools I've seen that sort of thing way too many times...

Seriously? I can't imagine treating my high school child like a 4 year old. In fact, my DD is 4, and I wouldn't ask for a seat change in her class unless she was in physical danger...and I'm a teacher at her school. Situations like this are called teachable moments for a reason. You teach a child how to handle different aspects of life...and that's not by running away from them

Yes seriously. Why does my daughter have to be inconvenience in the class because someone can't keep their mouth shut? You can say all you want about how they need to learn and all that and you are free to carry on with that. Me? I don't feel that instead of paying attention to a teacher they should be talking about something completely unrelated and that have no clue of what the reality is. Easily fix by separating the students. In fact Susie should be sitting front row. Perhaps if she would have been listening to the teacher she wouldn't be knocked up.

You seriously would request a seat change for a 14 year old? The OP's daughter is not a 3 year old in preschool getting beaten up by a rough seatmate, but a 14 year old who claims she is being pestered by a pregnant teen. Really, does what Susie says have that much power over your daughter or OP's daughter? It only will if you are fearful that Susie might have an influence on your daughters, and that is why it is your job to be a positive parent and use this as a teachable moment.

I really feel like I'm in some other alternate universe here...If a parent came to me requesting a seat change so that her daughter didn't have to sit next to that pregnant girl...yikes! I feel like we are back in the 60s where girls were sent away from their homes and schools to have their babies in silence.

Just because I don't feel that OP's place is to run to the counsellor, it does not mean we are condoning teen pregnancy at all. That is a huge ridiculous leap...

As I said above I don't see why I have to loose teachable and material time for a girl that clearly has no idea what she's talking about and that is not related to the class. My daughter would be polite and ignore the kid up but there is so much talking that you can ignore before it really annoys you. I love how people ignore the essential part of my argument. It's an inconvenience for the class. Wouldn't a teacher be annoy by the two teenagers talking all the time in the back of the class? Isn't teachers pet peeves that teenagers don't pay attention and then fall behind in the class. So pick a battle stick to it. Either it's not a problem and you let the kid tough it out and the teacher get two students that are clearly not paying attention to class, or, it is a problem and the two students need to be separated so they can start paying attention to the teacher. Which one is it going to be? I know my choice, you do what you want.

Nobody said that the girl shouldn't move seats. In fact, I think everybody would agree that moving seats would be a good strategy.

The parent calling the teacher instead of letting the 14 year old use her own voice to ask to be moved was being called into question.

I see you conveniently sidestepped that part of the posts you quoted.

 

[Tiger926]

I imagine a HS teacher would just change the OPs dd's seat. SOme 16 year old girl making a comment about getting pregnant young is better because you can go on welfare really doesn't warrant an intervention. Even saying there are plenty of boys to hook up with doesn't either.

It doesn't in normal circumstances, so you are very correct. In my school, we do intervene as that is part of the program, but in mainstream schools, no, it would not. I'm kind of surprised that people actually think it would warrant one. If we intervened for all related topics, we would not get anything done at school. I can't even begin to imagine how that would be possible...

An even better question off course I expect some to tell you that their situation is different and so forth. Because then it would inconvenience them, and in my experience a lot of teachers want the kids to tough it out and parents to teach their kids, until it becomes their problem. Then is a different story... In all my years as a volunteer and working in the schools I've seen that sort of thing way too many times...

Yes seriously. Why does my daughter have to be inconvenience in the class because someone can't keep their mouth shut? You can say all you want about how they need to learn and all that and you are free to carry on with that. Me? I don't feel that instead of paying attention to a teacher they should be talking about something completely unrelated and that have no clue of what the reality is. Easily fix by separating the students. In fact Susie should be sitting front row. Perhaps if she would have been listening to the teacher she wouldn't be knocked up.

As I said above I don't see why I have to loose teachable and material time for a girl that clearly has no idea what she's talking about and that is not related to the class. My daughter would be polite and ignore the kid up but there is so much talking that you can ignore before it really annoys you. I love how people ignore the essential part of my argument. It's an inconvenience for the class. Wouldn't a teacher be annoy by the two teenagers talking all the time in the back of the class? Isn't teachers pet peeves that teenagers don't pay attention and then fall behind in the class. So pick a battle stick to it. Either it's not a problem and you let the kid tough it out and the teacher get two students that are clearly not paying attention to class, or, it is a problem and the two students need to be separated so they can start paying attention to the teacher. Which one is it going to be? I know my choice, you do what you want.

Your responses are a bit difficult and confusing to follow...not sure what your point is? Some classes require discussion. Who says they are talking all of the time? Maybe Susie talked to OP's daughter at beginning or end of class, when settling in takes place.

Not sure how old you are, but this seems like a very old fashioned view of classrooms. Talking does go on, and for some of us, it's welcome as it's a way for us to get to know our students, and find out what important topics they need to discuss. Students don't need to talk all class, as you are suggesting, but some talking is necessary at certain times of the class. Honestly, I can't imagine how long the conversation went on with OP's daughter and Susie. Since the OP's daughter seems shy, I don't think she much engaged Susie, so how long could the conversation have lasted for...a few minutes. You are making it out like Susie talked incessantly the whole class about her pregnancy, and I hardly think that's the case.

Your students are lucky to have you and the other teachers. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be a teacher today.

Thanks so very much. It is a very rewarding vocation.

Nobody said that the girl shouldn't move seats. In fact, I think everybody would agree that moving seats would be a good strategy.

The parent calling the teacher instead of letting the 14 year old use her own voice to ask to be moved was being called into question.

I see you conveniently sidestepped that part of the posts you quoted.

Tiger

 

[sookie]

Right, now you are going to say that you want the counselor to know because you think this girl needs help. Sorry, not buying it. Also I don't think you are an uppity parent, I think you want to keep your dd sheltered from what really is out there instead of helping her deal with it. You can call it assuming, but I've read your posts. Including this from the OP
Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

I think it sounds very uppity. She made a big deal about how innocent her precious snowflake is and how awful and inappropriate Susie is. With a lot of little details and embellishes. I think that with the amount of details we are getting - darn, its just like she (the OP) was there! Maybe - maybe - the OP is an elaborator who is worried because her daughter dare talk to a pregnant girl. You know, she might catch it!

In any case, I think the OP needs have a talk with her DD and move on with her life. Pregnancy is not a disease and surely isn't easy to "catch". Talking to a young pregnant mom to be, or sitting next to her, will not cause her to be more likely to become pregnant too. And at the worst, if her DD is coming home saying "guess what Susie said today!" then it is a good opportunity to talk and to discuss what being a teen mom would be like with your DD - and then teach her to be COMPASSIONATE!

Be nice to poor Susie and leave her alone. When the OP said "we will just have to endure the next few weeks..." Remember, your DD and yourself aren't going through this with poor Susie. Your DD's "problems" in comparsion to Susie's problems are pretty silly when placed face to face. Susie, at 16, has a lot more on her plate than you as a stable mother of a 14 year old have on your plate. I assume that you were not 16 when you had DD from these posts, so you are at least 30 or more years of age. Grow up and act like it.

The last thing this child needs is a counselor coming to speak with her over something I kind of doubt she did. I say that because I have worked with lots of pregnant teens in a small town. Most are devastated, none are proud, and I've never had any of them tell me how great welfare is going to be - most are worried from day one on how they will make it. All of them have enough going on in their poor heads that they are just stressed beyond belief. Something like this would just be very, very hurtful to them - and most have been hurt enough by unsupportive adults like yourself to last a lifetime. I take it from this approach - there is a baby involved now. And to be negative won't make things better. Only being positive and moving forward - while finding the things needed to become successful - will help make this situation better.

Think of ways you can HELP this situation (or if you can't stand thinking of ways to make Susie's life easier - ways to help the baby). Doing things that are just counterproductive won't help Susie at all. OP, just do your best to support your daughter, and if you can't think of anything nice to say or do - just keep your mouth closed and your thoughts to yourself. You're not involved in this situation, so stop inserting yourself!

 

[cornflake]

I don't think the OP think she and her daughter are 'better' than Susie, but her daughter is sure as heck smarter than Susie, because Susie is a pregnant teenager who thinks it's all going to turn out *awesome*.

I think first, you should sit down with your daughter and go over exactly why and in which ways Susie is a moron. Go over statistics for how few teenage mothers ever graduate high school (last I heard I think it was 40%), go over the lifetime salary differential for people who don't have a h.s. diploma vs. people who hold a college diploma. Discuss what jobs Susie could possibly get without a h.s. diploma. Discuss how much daycare would cost, in depth, etc., etc. Also, though I'm sure you have, be sure to go over how NOT to end up like Susie, in depth.

Encourage her to share these facts next time Susie goes on about how great it'll be. Knowledge is power.

Encourage her to ask for her seat to be changed.

I'd also, frankly, go encourage the school to kick Susie to the curb. Yes, education is important - there are plenty of ways for her to become educated, though it doesn't exactly seem a priority for her. However, pregnancy, like it or not, IS catching and Susie doesn't belong in school to begin with, imo, nevermind if she's going on to other kids about how awesome it is.

 

[EnchantedTales]

Your responses are a bit difficult and confusing to follow...not sure what your point is? Some classes require discussion. Who says they are talking all of the time? Maybe Susie talked to OP's daughter at beginning or end of class, when settling in takes place.

Not sure how old you are, but this seems like a very old fashioned view of classrooms. Talking does go on, and for some of us, it's welcome as it's a way for us to get to know our students, and find out what important topics they need to discuss. Students don't need to talk all class, as you are suggesting, but some talking is necessary at certain times of the class. Honestly, I can't imagine how long the conversation went on with OP's daughter and Susie. Since the OP's daughter seems shy, I don't think she much engaged Susie, so how long could the conversation have lasted for...a few minutes. You are making it out like Susie talked incessantly the whole class about her pregnancy, and I hardly think that's the case.

Let me put this way. Would the conversation of a teen encouraging another one to get pregnant be something a teacher or an entire classroom wouldn't put their two cents on them? Classrooms talks are very much encouraged they are in fact great. However, you can't tell me that this is a conversation that they had in front of a teacher or an entire classroom. Otherwise I suspect other opinions would have been thrown in. So far this sounds as a private conversation. If they are doing this then obviously they are not doing the intended work for the conversation, or perhaps not paying attention. Since I hardly think that was what the teacher wanted them to discuss instead of the assigned material. Either way it is affecting their class progress so isn't it easier to stop the chit chatting by separating them. Yes, I would have expected my child to request a seat change by the time she has spoken to me about the issue. However, if she had not I would have on the grounds that I think a conversation like that is distracting.

Nobody said that the girl shouldn't move seats. In fact, I think everybody would agree that moving seats would be a good strategy.

The parent calling the teacher instead of letting the 14 year old use her own voice to ask to be moved was being called into question.

I see you conveniently sidestepped that part of the posts you quoted.

If you read my first post that was clearly the idea behind the request for a move. However folks have a tendency to read what they want rather than what it was actually said.

I'd also, frankly, go encourage the school to kick Susie to the curb. Yes, education is important - there are plenty of ways for her to become educated, though it doesn't exactly seem a priority for her. However, pregnancy, like it or not, IS catching and Susie doesn't belong in school to begin with, imo, nevermind if she's going on to other kids about how awesome it is.

There was a school that had 90 teens pregnant, all in the same line of thinking and instigating others to do the same. Another school was in the news for having a pack of teenagers making a pact to get pregnant. Teen pregnancy may not be a disease but it sure does seem that is catching to some teens...