WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[cheer25mom]

I think you took what I meant wrong, I meant that with me and my family and the children I watch they don't think that candy is a must have, or that they need it, they get it on special occasions or if they have had a good day and would like a piece they may, it's not actually rewarded but its not part of their daily diet

No, that is EXACTLY what I am talking about, candy for a "good day" or report card, or whatever and withheld when we were "bad" is part of what set me up for food issues and my sister for a serious eating disorder.

 

[Bertnie20]

No, that is EXACTLY what I am talking about, candy for a "good day" or report card, or whatever and withheld when we were "bad" is part of what set me up for food issues and my sister for a serious eating disorder.

No I'm not saying it is withheld when bad, I'm saying they eat really healthy, they know what they are eating and if it is good or not, and they know candy isn't in their daily diet, but if they were good, or as a special treat, and they asked for it they would get it. They don't buy candy and treats because its not good for their body's, but they do get it on a good or special day, I don't think a mom is going to go to the candy store with a screaming child demanding candy.

 

[Bertnie20]

She deals with it by LIGHTENING UP.

About 100 posts say that. Lighten up. Stop making it forbidden and maybe she wouldn't have a 'thief.'

Just because she doesn't like the solution offered doesn't mean a solution isn't being offered.

That or she could call the cops, like the PopTart mom, because he is stealing her peanut butter cups.

Please tell me how a parent who just lightens up and gives is helping a child who is sneaking stuff? She came asking how can I approch my son and deal with this, she didn't say I'm going to call the cops on him etc, she said what should I say to him, she never said he is grounded
Going to call the cops. I agree that's its not stealing but the sneaking is what she's worried about, it can lead to other things

 

[mommasita]

Please tell me how a parent who just lightens up and gives is helping a child who is sneaking stuff? She came asking how can I approch my son and deal with this, she didn't say I'm going to call the cops on him etc, she said what should I say to him, she never said he is grounded
Going to call the cops. I agree that's its not stealing but the sneaking is what she's worried about, it can lead to other things

Other things like what? Robbing a bank?

Let's face it, we have ALL done things against the rules. As I child I remember my mother saying go right to sleep, when she left I often turned on my light to read or babble with my sister. This was against the rules.. It wasn't dangerous. It never led me to other things.

I also would sneak an extra cookie or wtv was made. It never led me to other things.

At 16 I worked at Mc Donald's, and we had to clean every minute of the day. When the manager walked away, would we cheat and gab a bit, YES.. It never led to worse things. I stayed 4 years, and moved on to a full time job after college..

I think a compromise is in order, it isn't giving in, at least not to me. These are kids, showing you are not a Ruler but a parent, and compromising is huge to me. It leads kids to realize you are willing to think they are people to, with wants, with cravings, and maybe not making it a TABOO will lead everyone to realize there are worse challenges than a child taking candy.

Honestly, when 99% of people agree, then maybe they are right.. It rarely happens here, so I would definitely think it is right.

 

[RadioNate]

Please tell me how a parent who just lightens up and gives is helping a child who is sneaking stuff? She came asking how can I approch my son and deal with this, she didn't say I'm going to call the cops on him etc, she said what should I say to him, she never said he is grounded
Going to call the cops. I agree that's its not stealing but the sneaking is what she's worried about, it can lead to other things

The child wouldn't have to sneak around if he was given some control of eating things he likes.

Maybe if he could eat the candy on occasion he wouldn't sneak it.

Kids sneak candy. It doesn't mean the kid is going to be a career criminal.

 

[Bertnie20]

The child wouldn't have to sneak around if he was given some control of eating things he likes.

Maybe if he could eat the candy on occasion he wouldn't sneak it.

Kids sneak candy. It doesn't mean the kid is going to be a career criminal.

But it doesn't address her concern I agree that candy shouldn't be a big deal, but they should still be punished for sneaking it, not just completely given what they want right away

 

[Southernmiss]

Please tell me how a parent who just lightens up and gives is helping a child who is sneaking stuff? She came asking how can I approch my son and deal with this, she didn't say I'm going to call the cops on him etc, she said what should I say to him, she never said he is grounded
Going to call the cops. I agree that's its not stealing but the sneaking is what she's worried about, it can lead to other things

The thing is he is 12, not 3. It's also been stated he is on the smaller size. IMHO he is a tween getting ready to do some growing and also is at an age to make some decisions and have control of his own body and choices. I am sure the op has already instilled basic nutrition skills.

And op needs to not sweat the small stuff.
He is sneaking because rules are too strict for a 12 year old. Rules should change as kids get older.
It seems that op has maintained control and needs to loosen up.

 

[Bertnie20]

Other things like what? Robbing a bank?

Let's face it, we have ALL done things against the rules. As I child I remember my mother saying go right to sleep, when she left I often turned on my light to read or babble with my sister. This was against the rules.. It wasn't dangerous. It never led me to other things.

I also would sneak an extra cookie or wtv was made. It never led me to other things.

At 16 I worked at Mc Donald's, and we had to clean every minute of the day. When the manager walked away, would we cheat and gab a bit, YES.. It never led to worse things. I stayed 4 years, and moved on to a full time job after college..

I think a compromise is in order, it isn't giving in, at least not to me. These are kids, showing you are not a Ruler but a parent, and compromising is huge to me. It leads kids to realize you are willing to think they are people to, with wants, with cravings, and maybe not making it a TABOO will lead everyone to realize there are worse challenges than a child taking candy.

Honestly, when 99% of people agree, then maybe they are right.. It rarely happens here, so I would definitely think it is right.

I meant If a parent neglects to deal with issues and just let's them get away if anything it can, it's not like she was like omg I can't believe my child he blah blah blah, she asked how. Giving in doesn't solve anything, yes I also believe that compermises should be made, but after the issue is dealt with, not before she addresses it.

 

[Southernmiss]

I meant If a parent neglects to deal with issues and just let's them get away if anything it can, it's not like she was like omg I can't believe my child he blah blah blah, she asked how. Giving in doesn't solve anything, yes I also believe that compermises should be made, but after the issue is dealt with, not before she addresses it.

Has op actually asked ds why he sneaks the candy without accusing him? Dialogue with the kid and trying to understand his POV and compromising could go along way.

 

[mommasita]

I meant If a parent neglects to deal with issues and just let's them get away if anything it can, it's not like she was like omg I can't believe my child he blah blah blah, she asked how. Giving in doesn't solve anything, yes I also believe that compermises should be made, but after the issue is dealt with, not before she addresses it.

I read this several times, just don't understand or see an point in it.

Her child, her choice... Seems you are heavily invested. I don't know if I am too tired, but I honestly don't see your point in this last paragraph..

 

[Bertnie20]

Has op actually asked ds why he sneaks the candy without accusing him? Dialogue with the kid and trying to understand his POV and compromising could go along way.

Yes she did, he said "because I want to" so she
Turned here afterward for advice

 

[Bertnie20]

I read this several times, just don't understand or see an point in it.

Her child, her choice... Seems you are heavily invested. I don't know if I am too tired, but I honestly don't see your point in this last paragraph..

Sorry I'm tired I wrote it confusing, my point was yes she should compromise with him, but after dealing with the issue of WHY he is sneaking it. She shouldn't just give in, before addressing the issue.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

But it doesn't address her concern I agree that candy shouldn't be a big deal, but they should still be punished for sneaking it, not just completely given what they want right away

Hard to believe you can't see that it IS addressing her concern.

She deals with it by LIGHTENING UP.

About 100 posts say that. Lighten up. Stop making it forbidden and maybe she wouldn't have a 'thief.'

Just because she doesn't like the solution offered doesn't mean a solution isn't being offered.

That or she could call the cops, like the PopTart mom, because he is stealing her peanut butter cups.

Exactly.

Sounds like some children here are living in a police state.

Mommasita, I love your "Saturday" compromise. Now that's a smart Momma.

BTW, a reminder about the title of this thread: WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

 

[Aliceacc]

BTW, a reminder about the title of this thread: WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

Exactly!

All of us who are parents know how much harder it is than it appears. We all know that the OP is trying her best to raise the kind of people we all want to raise-- strong, moral people who can contribute positively to the world.

But sometimes when you're too close to a situation, you can't see it clearly. So a number of parents have responded with what we know to be true, what we know has worked with our kids.

I've taught a number of teens with eating disorders, and lost one or two. And also a few teens who came from such a restrictive home life that they went totally nuts when they left for college. And, while I've never (to my knowledge anyway) taught a teen from a home where taking a piece of candy was "stealing", I have taught some from some pretty rough home enviornments.

So, like so many of the other posters here, I feel pretty strongly that the OP needs to change her approach. None of us is suggesting that she "neglect to deal with issues." Rather, we're all suggesting a more appropriate way of dealing with those issues.

Sure, her son needs to know that being sneaky is wrong; I think we've all established that. But she also needs to decriminalize candy.

And, probably most important, to work on having a relationship with her son that lets him know that he can talk to his mom and dad about anything, even the poor decisions he's made. He's going to make a lot of mistakes in the coming years. But if taking a piece of candy from the pantry is "stealing", then how can he come to his parents if he exercises poor judgement and has a cigarette?? Or when (no, not "if", "when") someone offers him a drink-- or worse-- at a party? Or in the bathroom at school??

He needs to have the type of relationship where he can say to his parents "Here's what I did, what could I have said to turn it down without looking like a dork???" Because he's going to face those situations, and "not looking like dork" is going to be incredibly important to him. And he needs to have the typs of relationship with his parents where the conversation is possible. And for teens, it's all about what his peers think of him. If he's in a home where afraid to tell his parents that he snuck a piece of candy at age 12, it's going to be a whole lot more difficult for him to find his way through the minefield of being a teen.

The OP wants to be a good parent. We get that. She asked for advice, and has receive a lot of good advice. I'm sincerely hoping that, even though she's apparently bowed out of this thread, she's still monitering it and taking our words to heart.

 

[Poohforyou]

I meant If a parent neglects to deal with issues and just let's them get away if anything it can, it's not like she was like omg I can't believe my child he blah blah blah, she asked how. Giving in doesn't solve anything, yes I also believe that compermises should be made, but after the issue is dealt with, not before she addresses it.

Actually, letting a kid get away with something small can prevent them from trying to get away with bigger things. Kids like to believe they sometimes hoodwink their parents. Back to the OP, so she can make the kid use money from his allowance to replace what he took and then get the kid some treats he likes. Problem solved.

How is it the OP can't figure this out on her own? I'll answer my own question, because she's trying to exert too much control over what her almost teenager eats. Get some snacks and treats in the house and allow the kid to police himself (i.e. buy x amount and when it's gone there won't be more until shopping day).

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think you have set them up to "steal" the candy. I agree with a PP--they are sneaking the candy--not stealing. I think YOU are sending a bad message to your kids by calling this stealing.

My sister did not let her kids have candy. Her oldest could not care less about any type of candy. The other 3 like it.

On Halloween, she would dress them up and take them trick or treating. They would be so excited because they loved candy so much (more than normal, lol). They'd get home, have to turn it all in and she'd keep the "good candy" and they'd have to get rid of the sticky type. I remember one year my nephew took the candy and put it in his lego containers in his room. He's go in there and sneak some candy and one by one, his sisters would join him and then the youngest tattled to mom about what they were doing.

Years later, I saw a teacher who had a niece of mine in school (5th or 6th gr) and I told him that my niece went to his school. He asked her name, I told him and he says, "Oh I know her!! She comes into my room and always eats all the candy on my desk!"

Ugh...yes, that's because mom and dad do not allow candy (or better said, very limited). I remember them making Christmas cookies and instead of letting them have a cookie after they came out of the oven, they just had to look at them and wait til days later. I always thought that was cruel.

All that taught them to sneak it and all but the oldest did.

I do not think that you should fill kids up with candy and sugar but I also do not think you should "teach" them they have to sneak to eat some candy. It is the forbidden fruit and you have taught them that.

Unless they have a problem like a PP's kid does, I truly think you are going overboard and making it worse than it ever would be otherwise.

I agree with all of the above.

When I was growing up, candy was not a big deal. We got it occasionally. There was never a big discussion about it. I liked it but I wasn't overboard crazy about it.

I think a lot of how it is viewed is in how it is presented.

I know parenting is hard. You do things with the best intentions. We've all been there in one way, shape, or form.

I would back off of saying it's stealing. I'd work out an arrangement with the kids to give them candy sometimes and just not have it in the house. How many threads have we seen about adults trying to lose weight and can't because of foods in their pantry? The first thing most people say is to get it out of the house. It's a similar dilemma. It's human nature to want what you can't have. Eventually though, if the kids can have the candy sometimes it won't be such a big issue.

 

[aprilgail2]

Well what do you expect when you come on disboards and post how frustrated you are about your kid "stealing" candy from his own home, (which you forbid him to eat as is, but allow him to eat in baked form, ie cookies). This kid isnt stealing money, its candy. Which she forbids they eat. Ever. Apparently. This is her problem. What advise does she want? We are talking about candy. I'd feel sorry for her if he was taking other things. But candy? This is the problem she is having? You know whats wrong with her son? Nothing. He's being A KID.

-- actually I think the OP is what is wrong with her son- if she didn't have such food issues and rules things would be different.
I know ages for school vary region to region-but this boy will be 13 next year same as my daughter- she is starting high school in Sept- I can't imagine her asking permission to eat whatever she wants to in high school. She has money so its up to her if she is going to the corner and buying candy or not. You can not control every single thing in their lives once they are that age! If its in the house its considered family food-you want it you take it.

 

[Buckalew11]

She asked him why he took it and he said, "Because I wanted to." Honest answer. He wanted a candy bar that was in the pantry.

She never mentioned he was doing other things against the rules of the house or that he is taking other things around the house or in a store because "he wanted to."

She's got a nice kid. Good grades, does homework, nice to others, nice to animals...she does not paint him as a problem child.

There really is nothing to deal with. Honestly, IMO, she should deal with this with a 12yo by loosening those reigns a bit and sitting him down and discussing the issue. She should tell him that, "you know, you're growing up and as you remain responsible and do well in school (etc.), you will gain more and more independence and more trust from us. I've been a bit too strict with the candy rule and have decided to allow you to have a candy bar. I'll have the ones I bake with *here* and you should not eat them. I'll put the ones you may eat *here*. Please do not eat them daily because (blah, blah, blah) but you are welcome to have one every now and then."

Then I'd sit little sister down and talk to her. I do not remember how old she is but she may still be the age where the mom would like her to ask first.

Please do not make your kids feel like they need to sneak behind your back for such a thing.
If you have a kid who eats the whole pack in a day then deal with it then but give the kid a chance.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Exactly!

All of us who are parents know how much harder it is than it appears. We all know that the OP is trying her best to raise the kind of people we all want to raise-- strong, moral people who can contribute positively to the world.

But sometimes when you're too close to a situation, you can't see it clearly. So a number of parents have responded with what we know to be true, what we know has worked with our kids.

I've taught a number of teens with eating disorders, and lost one or two. And I've a few teens who came from such a restrictive home life that they went totally nuts when they left for college. And, while I've never (to my knowledge anyway) taught a teen from a home where taking a piece of candy was "stealing", I have taught some from some pretty rough home enviornments.

So, like so many of the other posters here, I feel pretty strongly that the OP needs to change her approach. None of us is suggesting that she "neglect to deal with issues." Rather, we're all suggesting a more appropriate way of dealing with those issues.

Sure, her son needs to know that being sneaky is wrong; I think we've all established that. But she also needs to decriminalize candy.

And, probably most important, to work on having a relationship with her son that lets him know that he can talk to his mom and dad about anything, even the poor decisions he's made. He's going to make a lot of mistakes in the coming years. But if taking a piece of candy from the pantry is "stealing", then how can he come to his parents if he exercises poor judgement and has a cigarette?? Or when (no, not "if", "when") someone offers him a drink-- or worse-- at a party? Or in the bathroom at school??

He needs to have the type of relationship where he can say to his parents "Here's what I did, what could I have said to turn it down without looking like a dork???" Because he's going to face those situations, and "not looking like dork" is going to be incredibly important to him. And he needs to have the typs of relationship with his parents where the conversation is possible. And for teens, it's all about what his peers think of him. If he's in a home where afraid to tell his parents that he snuck a piece of candy at age 12, it's going to be a whole lot more difficult for him to find his way through the minefield of being a teen.

The OP wants to be a good parent. We get that. She asked for advice, and has receive a lot of good advice. I'm sincerely hoping that, even though she's apparently bowed out of this thread, she's still monitering it and taking our words to heart.

Yes.

Kids are so impressionable at that age. In accusing a child of "stealing", on some level that child comes to internalize himself as a "thief". Same for being "sneaky". Such harsh terms for a basically good kid who's eating food in his own home. Wouldn't it be better to turn it around and throw in some "positive" terms the kid can internalize instead? Set him up for success rather than failure? "Stevie, you did a great job rationing your candy allowance this week. I like the way you did that! Pretty darned clever!"

 

[Hrhpd]

Yes she did, he said "because I want to" so she
Turned here afterward for advice

You seem awfully defensive and quite invested in the OP's problem. Saying you are talking to her on PM and then coming here and being her mouthpiece.

Just have to ask, is Esk your secondary screen name?