WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[OceanAnnie]

She asked him why he took it and he said, "Because I wanted to." Honest answer. He wanted a candy bar that was in the pantry.

She never mentioned he was doing other things against the rules of the house or that he is taking other things around the house or in a store because "he wanted to."

She's got a nice kid. Good grades, does homework, nice to others, nice to animals...she does not paint him as a problem child.

There really is nothing to deal with. Honestly, IMO, she should deal with this with a 12yo by loosening those reigns a bit and sitting him down and discussing the issue. She should tell him that, "you know, you're growing up and as you remain responsible and do well in school (etc.), you will gain more and more independence and more trust from us. I've been a bit too strict with the candy rule and have decided to allow you to have a candy bar. I'll have the ones I bake with *here* and you should not eat them. I'll put the ones you may eat *here*. Please do not eat them daily because (blah, blah, blah) but you are welcome to have one every now and then."

Then I'd sit little sister down and talk to her. I do not remember how old she is but she may still be the age where the mom would like her to ask first.

Please do not make your kids feel like they need to sneak behind your back for such a thing.
If you have a kid who eats the whole pack in a day then deal with it then but give the kid a chance.

Those are key points.

 

[MELSMICE]

Completely agree with the "lighten up" and don't make it a forbidden fruit.

We've always had candy, ice cream, cookies, chips, etc. in house. Never been a big deal. In fact, I end up throwing out freezer burnt ice cream, stale chips, cookies and candy frequently. They enjoy having fruit, yogurt and granola around.

I also don't think this was stealing. Just sneaking around because they were unable to have something that their friends can. I think that "everything in moderation" phrase could apply here.

 

[maxiesmom]

Sorry I'm tired I wrote it confusing, my point was yes she should compromise with him, but after dealing with the issue of WHY he is sneaking it. She shouldn't just give in, before addressing the issue.

Why is he sneaking it? He is a child and it is candy that mom will never allow him to have. Is it really that hard to figure out why he is sneaking it???

 

[RadioNate]

Yes she did, he said "because I want to" so she
Turned here afterward for advice

But she HAS his answer. He wants candy, craves it & she'll say no 100% of the time so he sneaks it. Makes sense.

A friends daughter stole money from me when she was 10 or 11. Why, she wanted money. Her parents were SO strict about her spending anything because they were struggling financially that she couldn't even have a dollar here & there for a treat at school.

The solution, I hired her to scoop & change my cat litter. $5 a week. That girl was at my house every day to work w/no complaints. First she paid back what she stole then earned.

Now, 14, she's a great kid.

Losen the reigns. Let the kid earn the candy. Say yes more often. Give him a way to earn what he wants instead of making it forbidden.

 

[OceanAnnie]

But she HAS his answer. He wants candy, craves it & she'll say no 100% of the time so he sneaks it. Makes sense.

A friends daughter stole money from me when she was 10 or 11. Why, she wanted money. Her parents were SO strict about her spending anything because they were struggling financially that she couldn't even have a dollar here & there for a treat at school.

The solution, I hired her to scoop & change my cat litter. $5 a week. That girl was at my house every day to work w/no complaints. First she paid back what she stole then earned.

Now, 14, she's a great kid.

Losen the reigns. Let the kid earn the candy. Say yes more often. Give him a way to earn what he wants instead of making it forbidden.

What an awesome way to handle the situation.

I think sometimes we (general we) tend to look at situations through eyes of an adult, not from the child's perspective and think the worst. It means a great deal to find out the reason why children do the things they do and then help more than punish.

 

[Bertnie20]

You seem awfully defensive and quite invested in the OP's problem. Saying you are talking to her on PM and then coming here and being her mouthpiece.

Just have to ask, is Esk your secondary screen name?

Haha that made me laugh, guess defending someone means your them?

Nope I'm not her, and she never asked me to do this. I really don't care anymore, I just felt bad for her and how others were treating her. Not saying everyone was being mean, but there was a few. I personally have family dealing with this same
Issue with my cousin, but my cousins Is slightly different so that's why I could relate to her

 

[Robbi]

Every child I grew up with or my kids grew up with and I do mean every single one whose parents were very controlling went berserk when they experienced freedom for the first time either in college or work after they finished high school.

 

[RadioNate]

What an awesome way to handle the situation.

I think sometimes we (general we) tend to look at situations through eyes of an adult, not from the child's perspective and think the worst. It means a great deal to find out the reason why children do the things they do and then help more than punish.

Thanks. It was a win-win for me. Really.

It was obvious why she took the money. Her family was struggling that meant no allowance, ice cream day at school? She didn't participate. Book fair? No she couldn't go. School bowling party, skate night...nothing they couldn't pay their mortgage. It was 4th, 5th grade. She needed a solution. So she stole.

Believe me, she's a good kid and she broke down when confronted. But when given a "healthy" option she absolutely rose to the occasion. I could afford $5 a week. Every day she got off that bus and came and scooped that litter, filled food bowls and changed water. Every Sunday she was out there with the hose washing out the little box, changing it, washing the food and water bowls. She did it until we moved, 2-3 years. I never heard a peep out of her about how it was gross or she didn't want to today.

She's starting HS this fall. Honors student. Leadership. Band. Everything you'd want in a kid.

The OP knows why the kid took the candy.

Actually, when thinking about my own kids candy consumption they do 'earn' candy. They do get pieces as a reward. But they also know that if they ask me for a piece that I'll say yes more than I say no. No's come when it is almost meal time (and then it is a 'bribe' you may have one after you finish all your dinner) when they've already had a piece or 2 or when they've been acting up and gotten in trouble during the day.

 

[Mkrop]

Actually she left because she was being compared to a mom who had her child arrested for stealing poptarts, and no one was helping her with her root question how to deal with it.

Plenty of people dealt with the root question, she just doesnt want to see it. Move on from this particular instance, loosen up on the forbidden foods, and see if the approach changes. If it doesnt THEN she has concerns.

She asked him why he took it and he said, "Because I wanted to." Honest answer. He wanted a candy bar that was in the pantry.

She never mentioned he was doing other things against the rules of the house or that he is taking other things around the house or in a store because "he wanted to."

She's got a nice kid. Good grades, does homework, nice to others, nice to animals...she does not paint him as a problem child.

There really is nothing to deal with. Honestly, IMO, she should deal with this with a 12yo by loosening those reigns a bit and sitting him down and discussing the issue. She should tell him that, "you know, you're growing up and as you remain responsible and do well in school (etc.), you will gain more and more independence and more trust from us. I've been a bit too strict with the candy rule and have decided to allow you to have a candy bar. I'll have the ones I bake with *here* and you should not eat them. I'll put the ones you may eat *here*. Please do not eat them daily because (blah, blah, blah) but you are welcome to have one every now and then."
Then I'd sit little sister down and talk to her. I do not remember how old she is but she may still be the age where the mom would like her to ask first.

Please do not make your kids feel like they need to sneak behind your back for such a thing.
If you have a kid who eats the whole pack in a day then deal with it then but give the kid a chance.

 

[Fiveisaparty]

I had a super healthy mom that used carob chips and made homemade whole wheat bread with homemade butter and I would pig out ever time I went to a friends house (looking back their moms probably hated me lol). Also, IMHO ramen noodles are as bad or worse than chips...just sayin' they have to be in the top 10 worst foods.

 

[Fiveisaparty]

My son and daughter have been close friends with a brother and sister from the same family. They were raised very strictly with crazy early bedtimes, no junk food, no soda. I honestly hate having them over to spend the night. It's just too stressful. After I would go to bed, they would eat and drink anything they could get their hands on. Other kids would eat our snacks and drink our sodas. But these kids would consume them ALL.

I still remember the first time.

ME: "Where did all the Dr. Pepper go?"

My son: "Uh..... Billy drank it".

ME: "That's OK. He could have some, but where did the rest go? We had 12 cans."

My son: "Yep. Billy drank it."

I guess it's good we don't keep alcohol in the house.

Meanwhile, the mom goes right on patting herself on the back for having such strict rules in her house.

The new rule at our house is that the kids can still be invited over for the night, but only the night BEFORE we do our grocery shopping.

Lol this was totally me as a kid. I know my friends' parents dreaded having me come over

 

[Aliceacc]

Lol this was totally me as a kid. I know my friends' parents dreaded having me come over

Sorry to hijack, but I couldn't help but notice that you're from Oklahoma City.

The people of your region are in our thougths and prayers. Long Island was in misery long after Superstorm Sandy was off the front pages of the national newspapers. We were stunned by the kindness of so many strangers from across the country, and everyone I know has been anxious to reciprocate. Our prayers for the communuties affected.

Again, sorry for the hijack.

 

[carissa1970]

My aunt refused to buy sugared cereals for my cousins, but they were allowed to put as much sugar on their cereal as they wanted. Interesting, huh? They would put way more than what would have been in the sugared cereals.

I buy a decent amount of junk food because I have no self control when I am shopping. Lol. However, once I eat a bit of it, I almost never touch it again. It is my husband and son that finish everything off. I do not refuse my son snacks or candy, but I do require him to have eaten several healthy things prior. I can keep just about anything in the cabinet and he won't take it without permission, I guess because he knows he will eventually get it.

And we do have to get rid of lots of candy that got lost in the back before each holiday. Not unusual to find old Easter candy at the next Easter. I guess what I am saying is, I do control my son's intake in that he has to have balance, and it seems like no big deal to keep it in the cabinet.

http://www.***********************/tickers/kwkz3p9ufbl3koi6.png

 

[Fiveisaparty]

Sorry to hijack, but I couldn't help but notice that you're from Oklahoma City.

The people of your region are in our thougths and prayers. Long Island was in misery long after Superstorm Sandy was off the front pages of the national newspapers. We were stunned by the kindness of so many strangers from across the country, and everyone I know has been anxious to reciprocate. Our prayers for the communuties affected.

Again, sorry for the hijack.

It's not a hijack, thank you very much. I am fortunate that I live on the other side of the city. I have only been here for 3 months and it is just devastating to the area. Again thank you for the kind thoughts. I saw on the news this morning Coney Island opens this weekend. That is wonderful!

 

[cceandme]

All I can do is tell you my experience.
When we were little we were not aloud to have candy and junk food. And because of that now as an adult I am addicted to Candy. Literally. ask my dentist.

I think a little in moderation is good for kids.

AS for the sneaking around part have you tried punishment like taking video games or something like that? We used to do the same thing as kids and other than the candy addiction we turned out just fine

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Lock the pantry, ground him for some specific time frame you think is fair (a week?). Take away privileges (electronics, or something).

 

[North of Mouse]

I wouldn't consider this 'stealing' as such - it's more like sneaking.

It seems like you are pretty strict on the *not giving them candy*. I've never seen a little candy as treats hurt children yet. Yet, you keep it in the house where it constantly would be tempting - I would take some myself

The more you make it hands off all the time, the more they're going to crave it.
I would feel sorry for them myself, under those circumstances.

My sister's children were raised with *mostly everything healthy no junk food* and they went nuts when they could get their hands on cookies or candy. Moderation, I say. This is a very sensitive issue with me.

 

[HelenePA]

I had a super healthy mom that used carob chips and made homemade whole wheat bread with homemade butter and I would pig out ever time I went to a friends house (looking back their moms probably hated me lol). Also, IMHO ramen noodles are as bad or worse than chips...just sayin' they have to be in the top 10 worst foods.

I have a lot of neighborhood kids come to my house everyday.. I can tell who can and can't have snack foods at home after their first trip to my house... The worst is I babysit 2 kids after school for about an hour until their mom gets home from work.. She doesn't want them to have soda, snacks, juice, ice tea, chocolate milk, nothing "unhealthy" but sends nothing with them for after school. I just let them have what is here sometimes is a banana sometimes its a cookie.

 

[Mama-san]

I have a lot of neighborhood kids come to my house everyday.. I can tell who can and can't have snack foods at home after their first trip to my house... The worst is I babysit 2 kids after school for about an hour until their mom gets home from work.. She doesn't want them to have soda, snacks, juice, ice tea, chocolate milk, nothing "unhealthy" but sends nothing with them for after school. I just let them have what is here sometimes its a banana sometimes its a cookie.

Possible new tag line?? I like it!!

 

[Fiveisaparty]

I just realized I never really answered the question. With my kids they can have a "junk food" (candy, fries, cake, chips, sugar cereal--all of which is organic if it is at home) but they only get one. If they pick sugar cereal they don't get a Popsicle after dinner...it works well and they really think about what they are putting in their mouths. If he is taking candy (I wouldn't call it stealing) then he doesn't get a cookie in his lunch or after dinner. Let him "pick his poison" and be in control of his food choices, but let him realize that he is limited in how many times a day he can eat it.

Side note: As I was typing this I got a flash back of the Richard Simmons "Deal a Meal" diet from the 80's...once you move your card from the left to the right you are done for the day!