WWYD - Other People's Kids

[daisax]

Kids who develop eating disorders usually have multiple things going on in their lives -- and those things aren't always centered around the dinner table. Often food is the result, not the culprit.

Agreed. It's the form of expression that the emotional upheaval takes.

 

[DisneyMim]

I will admit I did not read everything on this thread and I am not going to give any advice, just a little story.....

My father was the kind that made me eat things I hated. I can still remember gagging. I vowed that when I had kids I would never do that to them. And I never did. I would make very well balanced meals, offer all kinds of different foods and never made a big deal at the table. Sometimes my kids would try things and sometimes they wouldn't. I always believed they would eat what they should and it would balance over time. Well, both my kids are much older now and they eat pretty much anything. They try everything and my son especially cooks himself and goes with friends to many different ethnic restaurants (he's tried goat). My husband and I laugh because when he was a little boy he hated everything! I guess what I am trying to say is to choose your battles and in the end if you don't push (my opinion) they just might surprise you!!

Enjoy The Magic!!

 

[MrsPete]

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

Yes, I would've told the parents that day.

However, since that opportunity has gone, I would just let it go THIS TIME. At 9, if you can't follow up with appropriate punishment in a timely fashion, there's not much point in doing it later. The point in punishment is not to hurt the child for doing wrong; rather, the point is to teach them that ____ was a mistake and to lessen the chance that he'll do it again in the future. There's not much point in dregging up something from last week or so.

BUT I'd be on the lookout for similar behavior in the future, and I'd address it with the parents immediately.

Also, as a parent, I would want to know that my child had lied so that I could address it.

 

[Suz D]

Ok...just so no one things I'm the menacing cousin/babysitter here, let me clarify a few things. I made a dinner I thought she liked, asked her to eat her vegetables, and did not make a big deal out of it. She still got her fruit salad dessert afterwards and had a good time the rest of the night. No threats of punishment were made. I asked her to eat three bites of sweet potatoes to give them a good, honest try (NOTHING WAS FORCED), she told me she did, but really she threw them away.

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

I would not address it with the parents. I'm sure my post got lost in my soapbox and the flurry of replies, but at the very end I addressed the lying issue.

Good luck!

 

[Missy1961]

Not a surprise that I agree with LizzieBennett. Great name!

To the OP: I've often cared for my nephew and niece and now for my great nephew and nieces. While I often prepare them foods that they might not eat at home, I never force them. They often see DH, DD, and I eating them and give them a try out of curiosity. But, like with ANY guest in my home, they're not forced to try anything. It's not my job to make sure they eat certain foods--that's their own parents' job.

As for the lying--it seems as though by assuming the parent role with food, you've encouraged your niece to push your boundaries by lying about the food in the napkin. I don't see that you have the option to punish her for this because you're not her parent. If you feel strongly about it, I'd talk to her mother. Me, personally, I'd blame myself for overstepping and let it go.

I think it all boils down to this: This is not your battle. Let her parents handle the kid's eating habits.

And it is no surprise that I agree with you.

I also spend a lot of time with 2 of my nieces. 1 is bit of a picky eater, 1 is not. But the slightly picky eater has lots of things she loves--and I make them when they come for dinner. I never force anything on her, but over time, she has tried more things because she thinks they look interesting. Our dinners together are always fun because we're not fighting over food. And every once in a while, she surprizes me. I made ham for dinner the last time they came over. I wasn't sure if she liked it (it was a last minute "can they come to dinner" from my sis--I didn't know my phone was off), but I figured she'd eat the salad (which she loves) & the green beans. If she was really hungry, I could make her some noodles & she'd add some parmesean cheese. Well, the girl tried the ham & loved it--ate 2 huge pieces of it!

 

[NMAmy]

Hmmm . . . you babysit a child on a regular basis . . . is that child a "guest"? I'd say no.

The child is a family member, and the rules are different for family members. When my brothers come over to my house, they can open the refrigerator and help themselves to a drink or leftovers (without asking). I would be downright shocked if my friends -- who are guests -- behaved in the same way.

Likewise, babysitting the child on a regular basis is different from having the child in your house twice a year for a family meal. Does babysitting to you mean "keeping the child alive", or does it mean "helping to raise, educate, and nurture the child"? If you fall into the "babysitters just keep the child alive" camp, then you'd see your job as simply making sure she's safe, popping her in front of the TV, and checking on her occasionally. If you see yourself as taking the place of the parent for those couple hours, then you'd do more talking, more playing games together, more taking to the library and museums, more working together in the kitchen and the yard. But you and I don't know how the OP (and the child's parents) view her role.

It seemed to me from the OP's posts that she didn't feel the child's parents were handling this correctly and decided to take matters into her own hands. I think that's out of line and I'd be irritated if a family member did it to my child.

I've babysat other people's children. And I can take them places and do things with them without considering myself their temporary parent. I have a different role than the role I had with my own child. My rules are basic and laid out well in advance. No hurting anyone. No breaking anything on purpose. Aside from those two things, I'm pretty easy going and everyone behaves well.

Just for the record, I have raised a child who is a pretty adventurous eater. Achieved by mainly by offering lots of different foods and never forcing her to eat something she didn't like or wasn't hungry for. We rarely ate dessert so holding dessert hostage was never really an issue.

 

[MrsPete]

Agreed. It's the form of expression that the emotional upheaval takes.

Right. In another kid, that expression could've been cutting herself, depression, or sexual behavior -- or any number of other problems.

But the point is that food control does not equal eating disorders.

 

[robinb]

Honey, you are in a bad mood today!

It wasn't me who was referred to previously . There are two Robins posting on this thread.

We always compensate for friends/family that make the choice to be vegetarians-typically we know (because since we're their friends, we're aware of differing lifestyle choices of our friends), and typically I'll make a dish that is a meat alternative.

If the child didn't tell me she was a vegetarian until we were sitting down to eat, I'd just say, ok, skip the meat, just eat the starch and the veggie and that's cool.

I just don't see the point in getting so pissed off about food.

ETA: I absolutely would still serve sloppy joe's if your child was coming over. However, sloppy joes for dinner is not a balanced meal. I'd also serve a fruit bowl, and probably a raw spinach salad with feta and pecans with a balsamic vinigrette. As long as your child could stand to sit at the table with the ugly carnivores wolfing down their dead flesh, she'd still find healthy and appropriate choices at our table.

Oh sure, she has no problems watching others eat meat. My DH and I are carnivores. It just seemed like your last comment was so black and white that it did not have the wiggle room for kids who do not eat standard proteins. I always do give the other parents a head's up so they are prepared.

 

[MrsPete]

If, however, her aunt forced her to eat an entire serving of a food before dessert

Three bites doesn't = an entire serving. Three bites is just a taste.

I don't really remember disliking any particular foods as a child -- oh, I had favorites, of course, but I would eat anything. My children are teens now, and they're the same. They might not be particularly happy to come home and see that Dad's made his favorite ham-and-bean soup, but they'll eat it. Likewise, he's not always thrilled to see that our oldest has chosen to make cheese pizza YET AGAIN when it's her turn to cook, but he eats it and compliments her on doing something she doesn't particularly enjoy (cooking). Eating is not an issue in our house, and dinner is almost always a pleasant family time.

 

[alexandria674]

I babysit a lot to my nephew and I usually try the "one little bite" thing, it usually works. I don't make him do three bites, that's a bit much. Sometimes, my nephew LIKES the food, such as he now loves brocoli and salmon but he doesn't like zuccini and carrots, so at least I know so next time he comes, I kno what can make him eat.
As for the kid only eating potato chips, my brother only ate chips when he was a kid. So I made a pureed vegetable dip and he ate it with his chips so I knew he was getting somekind of vitamins in him, while still eating what he was comfortable with.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

It wasn't me who was referred to previously . There are two Robins posting on this thread.


Oh sure, she has no problems watching others eat meat. My DH and I are carnivores. It just seemed like your last comment was so black and white that it did not have the wiggle room for kids who do not eat standard proteins. I always do give the other parents a head's up so they are prepared.

Angry Robin day on the threads?

The dinner conditions I think are less "black and white" than "simple and practical." It wouldn't be practical for a vegetarian to eat meat (from what I understand it really messes with your digestive system to not eat it and then just start eating it again).

OP, kids are going to lie to you, you just have to address it when it happens, and address it to the kid-it's something that she did to you that you don't find acceptable.

Let her know that the lying is not acceptable or appropriate, and that she needs to be honest with you in the future so you can continue to extend trust to her.

Let her know what you NOT trusting her means to her lifestyle with you (hint: it won't be pretty).

If you really want to say something about the potatoes, then the next time you catch her in a lie, say "I know you lied to me about the potatoes, and I forgave you that time, but I'm not going to forgive you for lying about (insert current sitation here), and we need to have a talk about you lying to me, because I'm not going to allow you to continue to be disrepectful to me by lying."

 

[lyeag]

hooeey! Hot thread!

Ok, here's how it goes down in my house. When you're over my house, you don't have to eat what I cook, but you're not getting anything else, either.

I am not a short order cook.

I'm not going to force you to eat anything, but you don't get to forage in my pantry if you decide my dinner stinks.

If the family is doing a dessert that night, then I need the kids to eat at least the protein and the veggies. I don't care if they don't eat the starch-but if you want dessert, then you need to eat the protein and the veggies. If you choose not to eat those two items, then you don't get dessert.

No dessert is not going to kill you. And like many things in life, sometimes you have to get past the unpleasant things (like brussell sprouts) to get to the rewards.

I also let the kids put their own portions on the plate-you may hate the spinach salad, but you're also deciding (within reason) how much of it you want to eat.

There are no battles in our household over food-there IS whining about desserts, but I expect that. I say, you know the rules, it's your choice what you eat.

To the OP, I think she outsmarted you in the food battle department; chalk it up to a learning experience and figure out how to make dinner a happier experience next time.

This is also pretty close to how my house runs. I don't force my kids to eat things, but don't ask to eat junk food 15 minutes later......

 

[2girlsmom]

Maybe, maybe not. I HATED vegetables when I was growing up. I recall liking CANNED beans and peas and canned only. No fresh or frozen for me ... *yuck*. And mushrooms? Don't even get me started. I was still removing mushrooms from my pizza and "flinging" them across the table in an attempt to hit my friend's plates when I was in college.

I am now an adult and eat just about everything (except the dreaded beets mentioned before and oysters/clams which I am allergic to). I love vegetables and especially mushrooms! Fresh is best and I belong to a Community Shared Agriculture program that delivers my box of fresh organic veggies to my local farmer's market every week. I even eat and enjoy very odd and strange stuff that you probably wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole: raw fish, fried shrimp heads, sweet breads, escargot, squid, whole Greek grilled baby octopus, veal, foie gras and the like. I had also tried (and will not eat again) things like menudo, calf brains & chicken feet.

Just because a child does not like/eat vegetables when they are little does not mean that they will be a picky adult. I am curious at how many kids who grew up to be "well done steak with the sauce on the side" picky adults were forced to eat stuff they didn't like when they were children.

I have to agree with you, Robin. I was encouraged to try things, but never forced, and for example in my teen years when I couldn't stand hot dogs or salmon patties & potato cakes (I do now like the potato cakes, but still don't like the salmon cooked that way), I was allowed to eat something else. Today, I eat most foods. However, my husband, who was the only picky child of 4, was forced to eat foods. As an adult, he STILL only eats bananas and apples for fruits, and lettuce, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, green beans, cooked carrots (not raw), and peas for veggies. Also, no mushrooms, not a lot of less common meats/spices, etc. Basically he eats only basic foods. When we went to WDW my children (both of them) tried some of the African dishes at the safari breakfast, my husband would not try them. And yes, I have an extremely picky child and my husband continues to try to make her "clean her plate". I will not make food a battlefield. I offer her options in every meal that she does like, and I do encourage her to taste things, and with meat (cause she really isn't a meat fan) I generally tell her how many bites I want her to eat, generally 3 or 4, but if she tries a meat that she absolutely hates, I will not make her eat it, and she will eat the things in the meal she likes, then if she is still hungry will eat cheese or a piece of bread with peanut butter, so she still gets protein. She is 11 now, and eats probably 3 times as many foods now as she did 2 or 3 years ago. The more a struggle it was, the less she would eat. No pressure means she eats WAY better now.

 

[tzolkin]

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

Yes, we've all been caught up in the food issues. This is what I said about the lying a few pages back...

Telling the parents is up to you. I would want to know if my child lied, but telling them about the incident may start an argument about you trying to get the child to eat something she doesn't like. (You said that's not their parenting method, so they may be angry that you did something they normally would not.) I would have addressed the lying with the child at the time. I don't think I would bring it up after the fact unless a similar incident occurs.

Also, if I had addressed the lying with the child at the time of the incident I probably wouldn't mention it to the parents. If she lied multiple times or the discussion with the child didn't go well (if she didn't seem to care or if she argued with me), I would talk to the parents.

At this point, I would just let it go. But make sure in the future to address it right when/after it happens.

 

[gina2000]

You need to ask the parents how to address the food issue in the future. Skip the past visit and the lie. It's over and done with. It's time to plan for the next visit, not dwell on the past.

If you have children, you might be able to make the argument that everyone at the table is treated the same concerning trying new food items. Since you don't, in all good conscience you should ask "mom" how to handle food in your household. You may not like the response but you aren't going to win the battle if mom isn't on the same page as you are. Ultimately, you don't want to destroy your relationship with your niece over food. You'll regret it all of your life.

 

[robinb]

Angry Robin day on the threads?

Oh my goodness! I hope not! There are a surprising number of "Robins" here on the DIS. We could take the whole site down if we all got angry at once . I'm sorry if I came off as angry, because I really wasn't .

 

[Nancyg56]

If the OP can't set rules in her own home then she shouldn't be caring for these children.

If she is setting rules that involve forcing children to eat foods that their do not like and are not required to eat in their home then you are right....OP should not watch these children. It is not fair to the children

To me rules are No running in the house, no throwing things, etc. No PG13 movies, betimes at 8 o'clock....

This isn't even really worth fighting over. She's a child. She ate the chiken, leave it at that. It's not like she threw her plate on the floor and refused to eat anything

ITA

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

No way would I address this with the parent unless I was prepared to explain why the child lied.

People, not just kids, will lie if they are backed into a corner. I will never understand how a threatening to withhold a desert, especially a fruit salad, is going to benefit a child. Forcing someone to eat what they do not like in order to eat something else will lead to an eating issue. Just ask me. I am a product of that philosophy and for years I continued to follow in the same footsteps I grew up in. It is not good...........take it from a woman who is a WW for the rest of her life.....along with my DD. Food should not be a reward nor should it become a punishment. It is food...eat it or do not eat it. Offer healthy choices and allow the kids to learn to like them, it will happen.

 

[islandmum]

Background: I don't have kids,

This weekend, they spent the night and I made chicken drumsticks (which she eats) and sweet potatoes (which she doesn't). .

I dont think it matters whether you have kids or not, you know she doesnt like sweet potatoes so why insist she must eat them? If you know your DH doesnt eat brocoli for example you wouldnt cook it and make him eat 3 mouthfulls would you?

I'm all for getting kids to try new foods, and encourage my kids to do so, but if they dont like it I dont give it to them - same as I dont cook foods for me that I dont like.

simple.


EDIT: I just read you didnt know that she didnt like sweet potato so scrub that bit of my post LOL!

But I echo many peoples sentiments here - one little bite is all thats needed, bribing with food is getting into dangerous territory with kids, a control issue that with her being someone elses child you really dont want to get into. If you know what she does eat then cook that for her from then on. Its not your issue, she's obviously healthy eating her way, and its her battle with her parents if something more is going on.

I knew a friend who's son only ate ham sandwiches for 3 YEARS! NOTHING else passed his lips, a total control issue which he eventually got fed up of when the parents showed no interest in fighting against after consulting a therapist for advice. No more food battles, no more drama, no more control of him over his parents, game over.

 

[luvmy2boyzz]

OP~

I would not address the lying issue now, it's too late. If there are issues with lying in the future I would deal with them right away. If you babysit regularly for these children I would address the dinner issue with the parents. I would not make special food for her, I am not a short order cook. I would ask the parents to bring food along for her that she would eat. If it's food you don't agree with oh well, it's not your kid, let the parents deal with it. If the parents don't want to bring their own food, I would ask her to eat what I made. If she doesn't want to I wouldn't force her but I wouldn't offer anything else either.

 

[MonicaInFlorida]

I think that raw oysters should be served at all children's parties and that every adult should be forced to eat them too, if they want any birthday cake.