WWYD... living with aging family?

[SandrA9810]

One of my great aunts is a hoot. She's nearly 90, and she's had her end of years life planned out.

She sold her house, moved herself into a retirement condo. She still gets out every day, goes to church every sunday, and just keeps up with everything going on around town. When I saw her last fall, she didn't seem any different than when I saw her 14yrs prior.

My g'mother would be appalled by the idea of staying at nursing home for a move. She still thinks she can be of help and do things. Goes back to that whole family stubborness...

 

[december]

My grandmother (almost 90) would NEVER consider it, never get used to the idea, and never forgive my mother for putting her there. Her older sister (92) is in the nursing home, and is happy, but my grandmother will tell you quick that it isn't for her. Stubborness is not even the word for it! She lives between my parents and younger sister, and across the road from my oldest sister, so always has family around. I spent the day with all of them today, like I do every other Sunday. My mother works full time, and takes care of her. She is tired, but wouldn't have it any other way.

Sandra, this is a personal decision that only you can make. Again, in your circumstances I probably would do it. But no one can really say for sure.

 

[SandrA9810]

There's so many pro's and con's to each side... each is going to have it's own difficulties. But it seems most people would do it.

Now if only my aunt would have a more concert idea of what she wants to do. It's not exactly a move to do on the spur of the moment. And I know I have to still plan on moving, but it would be better to know if I'm searching for a house or for an apartment...

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

My Grandmother died unexpectedly when I was 20 and I moved in with my Grandfather for over a year. I just felt like he needed someone and I was the youngest Grandchild and the only one without a family of my own. My Grandmother had done EVERYTHING for him. That's just how it was for their generation.....he didn't know how to work a microwave or washing machine.....he didn't even know what drawer his underwear was kept in. So I just moved in that very day. It was fine for a while. It kept him from being alone and he did learn how to care for himself but after a while it got stressful for me. I loved him so much but I started resenting him. At first, it was like I did everything for him like my grandmother but then he wanted to do everything for me.....I felt like I was 10. My Mother finally stepped in and insisted that I moved back home. He resisted an assisted living home at first but after he needed to go to a rehab facility after a hospital stay, he missed the time with the other people his age. He was happy there until he passed 5 yrs later.

 

[C.Ann]

Lots to consider here.. I'm not able to come up with a "definite" yes or no, but wanted to compliment you on your desire to help out..

Good luck with whatever you decide..

 

[michellev]

Now if only my aunt would have a more concert idea of what she wants to do. It's not exactly a move to do on the spur of the moment. And I know I have to still plan on moving, but it would be better to know if I'm searching for a house or for an apartment...

Based on this statement I don't think you should do it. It sounds like you need to find a place to live soon and your Aunt isn't making a concrete decision. It will take time for them to sell their current house, find and buy a house in FL. If you need to move now, where will you live in the meantime?

If I were you I would focus on myself for now - find a place to live, work on my career, etc. If (and it sounds like a big if at this point) your Aunt and Grandma move near to you, then you can work things out with them. I don't see the point in putting your life on hold for something that may not even happen.

 

[SandrA9810]

I know she would be much happier being in a social enviroment, but getting her there is another story.

She's very bored at home, and always wants my aunt to take her out to dinner/breakfast. She doesn't eat that much, but because my aunt works for Cracker Barrel they all flaunt over her and say hi and make her feel special. Or they go to my cousin's resturaunt, just so she can say hi. And my aunt is getting into some serious trouble eating out like that, but she feels guilty that she's at home all the time.

So if they're here near family, we'll be able to help keep her occupied and take her out.

It's just my g'mother is very resistant to doing anything social with people her age, either like a YMCA program, senior day care center, nursing home... she views them all as "we're trying to get rid of her". Doing something like a YMCA program probably wouldn't be highly objected if some one was there with her. But it doesn't give my aunt that "break" she needs, to get things done.

 

[SandrA9810]

My aunt lives in an apartment in Dallas. Their lease is up in may, and so is this lease. The place I'm living now isn't so bad, but it's on the second floor, so a no go for them. And I can't afford the 600$ or more a month at renewal (we're on a promo that knocked 200$ off each month).

 

[minkydog]

I know she would be much happier being in a social enviroment, but getting her there is another story.

She's very bored at home, and always wants my aunt to take her out to dinner/breakfast. She doesn't eat that much, but because my aunt works for Cracker Barrel they all flaunt over her and say hi and make her feel special. Or they go to my cousin's resturaunt, just so she can say hi. And my aunt is getting into some serious trouble eating out like that, but she feels guilty that she's at home all the time.

So if they're here near family, we'll be able to help keep her occupied and take her out.

It's just my g'mother is very resistant to doing anything social with people her age, either like a YMCA program, senior day care center, nursing home... she views them all as "we're trying to get rid of her". Doing something like a YMCA program probably wouldn't be highly objected if some one was there with her. But it doesn't give my aunt that "break" she needs, to get things done.

My MIL is exactly like this. We had to place her in assisted living about 10 years ago when she became unable to care for herself at home. She was mad for a long time, but it had to be done. Last year she fell and broke her hip. I wasn't surprised. She was very frail and tottery, could barely even walk to the bathroom and could no longer bathe or dress herself. She went to a rehab facility for awhile, but refused to participate in therapy. Of course, you know what happened next--she had to go to a nursing home. Oh boy.

She was very very upset and made my SIL feel like dirt for not taking her in. But I told SIL the same thing I told you--she had no idea what her life would be like having a completely dependent person living in her home. Ultimately, DSil came around and we just had to put MIL in a local home. Even though MIL does not participate in ANYTHING at the home and has made virtually no friends(she's not a mixer), the care she is receiving is excellent. The nurses are very kind and she is very cranky. We're all sorry that it has to be this way, but there really was no other good choices. At the nursing home MIL has round-the-clock assistance with the smallest thing. She may not ever like it but it has to be this way.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

You are in a very difficult situation. On the one hand you want to help out family. On the other hand, you have to think of yourself. Take it from someone who is in a very similar situation (I had to move back in with my parents to take care of my dad). It is extremely stressful. I love my dad to death. I love spending time with him. However, I do not know how many more hospital visits I can take. Or waking up night after to night to make sure he is ok or how many more IVs to take care of etc. I admit for the first year, it wasn’t so bad. I was helping my dad just as he had taken care of me. I was happy to move out of the dorms and move home. However, it has taken a major toll on my life. You really have to think about how much care your g’mother really needs. You said your aunt is burned out. There is a reason.

It is not selfish of you to say no. Taking care of an ill relative full-time takes its toll. Perhaps there is some middle ground. Perhaps you can help out in another way without giving up your life to help your g’mother. I don’t have an answer for you, but honestly, if I could go back, I would look for other options besides me playing caregiver.

Good luck

 

[SandrA9810]

Thanks katie and minky... You both have given me some food for thought.

I'm starting over pretty much in life. And even in the past 2 months, I've found some good things in this new found freedom. For once I don't have to think of the price times 2, or planning around another schedule, or wondering if I'm going to be "in trouble" for doing something on my own.

So I know if I do this, I'll probably have to give up some of my freedoms again.

I am definatly hoping that once my g'mother gets to the point of actually needing daily care, bathing, dressing... that sort of stuff, my aunt will do the right thing. As of right now, my g'mother "can" take care of herself for the most part, but because of her unexpected seizures (sometimes there's a couple within a few months, then it's years before the next one happens) she needs to have some one there to call 911. And a life alert wouldn't work because she blacks out and it could take a while before she comes around, and she still wouldn't know what happened.

 

[kirbsam]

here is my advice. sorry if it sounds harsh. get a good job. and give your aunt financial support so she can hire a caregiver when the time comes, because that time is coming.

if you just want to be the live in caregiver and not have an outside job(which i suspect you do), then do it, but please dont come back and tell us how messed up the situation has become and you wish you hadnt done it.

finally, it doesnt matter what any of us really think. i think you know what you are going to do.

 

[SandrA9810]

here is my advice. sorry if it sounds harsh. get a good job. and give your aunt financial support so she can hire a caregiver when the time comes, because that time is coming.

She doesn't need major financial help... she wants family to be around, to keep my g'mother company. We all lived practically together until I graduated high school. And she wants to try to provide that again for my g'mother. The rest of the family understands that it will not be the same as it was before, and i think that'll be the hardest part on her.

if you just want to be the live in caregiver and not have an outside job(which i suspect you do), then do it, but please dont come back and tell us how messed up the situation has become and you wish you hadnt done it.

I have a job now, and I'm trying for a second one as well. I still need to support myself. My aunt isn't going to provide it for me, and I know that. But we would work together with our schedules to make sure some one is at home. Hopefully we can get her into some sort of day care program to give us both a break for a few hrs every so often.

finally, it doesnt matter what any of us really think. i think you know what you are going to do.

At this point, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to know I'm not trying for something outragously crazy.

 

[C.Ann]

here is my advice. sorry if it sounds harsh. get a good job. and give your aunt financial support so she can hire a caregiver when the time comes, because that time is coming.

She doesn't need major financial help... she wants family to be around, to keep my g'mother company. We all lived practically together until I graduated high school. And she wants to try to provide that again for my g'mother. The rest of the family understands that it will not be the same as it was before, and i think that'll be the hardest part on her.

if you just want to be the live in caregiver and not have an outside job(which i suspect you do), then do it, but please dont come back and tell us how messed up the situation has become and you wish you hadnt done it.

I have a job now, and I'm trying for a second one as well. I still need to support myself. My aunt isn't going to provide it for me, and I know that. But we would work together with our schedules to make sure some one is at home. Hopefully we can get her into some sort of day care program to give us both a break for a few hrs every so often.

finally, it doesnt matter what any of us really think. i think you know what you are going to do.

At this point, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to know I'm not trying for something outragously crazy.

I haven't been frequenting the boards as often as I normally would, so I'm a bit confused.. Didn't you used to stay at home and your partner (Kari was it?) worked for Disney? Are you no longer together and this is one of the reasons it would make it easier for you to help your family? If you prefer not to answer those questions, that's fine.. I'm just confused about the change in your circumstances..

 

[EllaM]

I answered the poll with an emphatic yes. That is what my family does. When my grandfather died, my sister moved in with my grandmother. Their house was just up the street from my sister's college so it worked well for them both. She lived there for 6 years until moving out to share an apartment with a friend. Then my brother moved in for a year. My cousin tried it but only lasted a few months. (She didn't win any prizes for that.) Then my mom took over.

I stayed to live with my parents when my mom got sick with cancer. Now I look after my dad. I've worked in nursing homes before and swore I wouldn't let my my family go to one if it was humanly possible to prevent it. They aren't fun places. Assisted Living homes can be better but nursing homes are places people go as a last resort. They tend to be depressing and people get forgotten.

But before you go into the role of companion/caretaker just be aware what you're getting yourself in for. The trouble living with someone with dementia is that they become disoriented easily. You need to be mindful they don't leave the stove on or walk outside in the middle of the night. My aunt cared for an elderly relative with dementia for years. They traveled with her but needed to setup various methods of watching out for her. Blocking the door with the suitcase stand, putting bells on doors, closing off the kitchen at night, etc.

The good thing about being young and living with an elderly relative is that you do gain from their experience. It made a great stepping stone for my sister moving from home to our grandmother's.

If you think you may not have what it takes and will flake out in a few months then save your aunt the disappointment and back out now. When my cousin ditched on my grandmother it left our family in a crisis mode while we made alternate plans. There's nothing worse than relying on someone only to have them flake when you neet them.

If you can't make the committment full time then maybe you can be a temporary relief sitter for your aunt. She can move near your sister for the regular backup care/socialization (old folks get a huge boost visiting with youngsters) and you can visit for weekends or middle of the week breaks as your schedule permits.

She doesn't need major financial help... she wants family to be around, to keep my g'mother company. We all lived practically together until I graduated high school. And she wants to try to provide that again for my g'mother. The rest of the family understands that it will not be the same as it was before, and i think that'll be the hardest part on her.

At this point, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to know I'm not trying for something outragously crazy.

If your aunt is hoping to provide family closeness then she may be better off moving to where the largest amount of family currently resides. She's hoping for more distraction/attention for your grandmother. That suggest to me being near your sister and great grandkids is better.

It's really up to your decision on what you think you're capable of giving. Like I said before, giving time to family is something I'd do in a heartbeat but I also have the scars to remind me when things got hard.

 

[allison443]

There are so many variables in whether this can work out, and I think you are smart to really think about it before taking this step.
You say your grandmother cannot be left alone. If you and your aunt both work, there are going to be times your work hours overlap. (unless one works weekdays and one only weekends, with no variation, but I don't think that's the case). What will be done then?

I don't know your family history/family dynamic, but it probably would be best to talk about everything with your aunt and agree on everything in advance. Such as will you pay rent? Contribute for utilities/food? How much/what percentage? Who will do the housework and cooking? Are you expected to be there whenever your aunt wants you to stay with your grandma-what if you make plans and your aunt says she needs you to stay there? Do you and your aunt both have cars or will you be sharing one vehicle?

My parents have my elderly aunt with dementia living with them. It is very difficult and they do use a day program at a local nursing home just for a respite.
Good luck with your decision.

 

[SandrA9810]

I'm sure there will be some overlap in work hrs.

And well, while I was out there, daily duties just got done. I'm kinda used to being the one to do the cooking/cleaning. I really don't have a problem cooking at all. Although my motto is generally "i cook, you clean". And we really all have the same approach to cleaning. So I don't think we'll nag on each other to do certain things.

Right now, kari is still letting me drive her van (her precious van). She can only drive one car at a time, and I can't see her giving up either vehicle. I've agreed to take care of it, and she lets me drive it. So I know I'll have to buy my own car soon enough, but one less thing to worry about right now. And I have no issues taking the bus. I did it for a month till kari said I could use the van. I spent more time on the bus than actually working, but it's not horrible.

 

[wdwfan16]

here is my advice. sorry if it sounds harsh. get a good job. and give your aunt financial support so she can hire a caregiver when the time comes, because that time is coming.

She doesn't need major financial help... she wants family to be around, to keep my g'mother company. We all lived practically together until I graduated high school. And she wants to try to provide that again for my g'mother. The rest of the family understands that it will not be the same as it was before, and i think that'll be the hardest part on her.

if you just want to be the live in caregiver and not have an outside job(which i suspect you do), then do it, but please dont come back and tell us how messed up the situation has become and you wish you hadnt done it.

I have a job now, and I'm trying for a second one as well. I still need to support myself. My aunt isn't going to provide it for me, and I know that. But we would work together with our schedules to make sure some one is at home. Hopefully we can get her into some sort of day care program to give us both a break for a few hrs every so often.

finally, it doesnt matter what any of us really think. i think you know what you are going to do.

At this point, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to know I'm not trying for something outragously crazy.

Bold - The best solution is for them to move near your mom and sister and for you to join them. That woulld be the best support group. There is nothing holding you in Orlando.

 

[golfgal]

here is my advice. sorry if it sounds harsh. get a good job. and give your aunt financial support so she can hire a caregiver when the time comes, because that time is coming.

if you just want to be the live in caregiver and not have an outside job(which i suspect you do), then do it, but please dont come back and tell us how messed up the situation has become and you wish you hadnt done it.

finally, it doesnt matter what any of us really think. i think you know what you are going to do.

Do you realize that in home health care costs about $25+/hour. Just getting a "good job" isn't going to help much.

 

[Gigi22]

To the OP, I think you and your aunt need to talk this over. If you do decide to move in with your aunt and grandmother, you and your aunt should work out a couple of strategies as to how you will deal with your grandmother's condition. If your grandmother continues to have TIAs, then the likelihood is that her dementia will increase, and she will gradually become more and more dependent on you. You and your aunt should also have a clearly worked out "exit strategy" for yourselves--come the day when your grandmother becomes so ill that you have no choice but to have her admitted to a hospital, or to another facility that specializes in treatment of dementia patients.
This is a very specialized area of care that requires a lot of support. My best friend's DM is living at home, with her DH as her main caregiver. My best friend helps them out for a least a day a week, often more. They also have 21 hours of in-home assistance a week (mainly for personal care, some light housekeeping and to enable my friend's DF to run errands and just get out of the house), and a day a week when my friend's DM attends an all day group for female dementia patients at a local hospital.