WWYD Family/Christmas related

[wgwtgb]

So my husband and I haven't been getting along for a long time. This week has been particularly bad. I'm pretty sure that we will be getting a divorce. I don't want to ruin Christmas for DS9 and DD3. What do I do? Do I try to make up for this week to keep the peace for them (he would make Christmas unbearable) or do I just do my best to keep it together for me and them and ignore whatever he may do??

 

[krcit]

I would do whatever it takes to make Christmas wonderful for the kids. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

[Hannathy]

I would do whatever I could do within reason to make Christmas as uneventful (bad) for the kids as I could. You and your husband are the adults and should think of the kids at a time like this.



By Within reason I mean you can't stay if he is beating you or the kids or dangerously on drugs or alcohol but if it is just arguing, then suck it up for the kids for a week.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A loaf of bread eaten in peace is much better than a feast in strife.

We don't have enough info to give you detailed advice.
Is your husband still in your home?
Is the question "serve papers and have to two of you separate now, or after Christmas?"

If he would let his issues affect Christmas (you mentioned unbearable)... that would be what I would go by.
It doesn't sound like you, alone, trying to make amends and keep the peace would be any real guarantee.
Abusive men, by definition, always excuse their own anger and issues and behaviors by putting it on the woman (you should do more to appease me and keep the peace)
In reality, I think it sounds like it is out of your hands. Your husband is going to do what he is going to do.
That is what I would go by as I make any plans for how to handle Christmas.

I am sending

 

[wgwtgb]

By Within reason I mean you can't stay if he is beating you or the kids or dangerously on drugs or alcohol but if it is just arguing, then suck it up for the kids for a week.

No no... nothing like that... we just haven't gotten along in a long time. He's been coming home later and later, and I suspect some extra curricular activities (can't prove it). It just sucks that this is all going down so close to Christmas. I want to do whatever is best for my kids. I just don't know if I should try to make things better for the next week and appease him, or just ignore the situation and pretend like everything is okay for their sake.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So my husband and I haven't been getting along for a long time. This week has been particularly bad. I'm pretty sure that we will be getting a divorce. I don't want to ruin Christmas for DS9 and DD3. What do I do? Do I try to make up for this week to keep the peace for them (he would make Christmas unbearable) or do I just do my best to keep it together for me and them and ignore whatever he may do??

Is he dangerous, abusive, cruel? Then you to do what you need to do to make Christmas peaceful.

Are you playing into his games by arguing back? That is something that is within your control and you can ignore his behaviors and not play into his games.

It is hard to say what the right thing to do is.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is the word 'appease' that sets off red flags for me..... Big time.
That, and the word 'unbearable'.

If it was simply, confront and address these marital issues now or a couple weeks from now, it would be easy enough to say, wait a couple weeks.

But, from what I am reading, I am not so sure.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No no... nothing like that... we just haven't gotten along in a long time. He's been coming home later and later, and I suspect some extra curricular activities (can't prove it). It just sucks that this is all going down so close to Christmas. I want to do whatever is best for my kids. I just don't know if I should try to make things better for the next week and appease him, or just ignore the situation and pretend like everything is okay for their sake.

I think you should consult and attorney and then move on with life.

If you think divorce is imminent, then he probably does as well. Just have one last "family" Christmas, stop fighting, and start getting busy with getting with the legal stuff.

 

[wgwtgb]

A loaf of bread eaten in peace is much better than a feast in strife.

If he would let his issues affect Christmas (you mentioned unbearable)... that would be what I would go by.
It doesn't sound like you, alone, trying to make amends and keep the peace would be any real guarantee.
Abusive men, by definition, always excuse their own anger and issues and behaviors by putting it on the woman (you should do more to appease me and keep the peace)
In reality, I think it sounds like it is out of your hands. Your husband is going to do what he is going to do.
That is what I would go by as I make any plans for how to handle Christmas.

I am sending

It strikes a chord in me that you used the word appease while I was typing a response to someone else. I think this is exactly what has happened for so long. I want to stand up for myself, but refuse to allow me to be the reason that my children don't enjoy Christmas. I think you may be right, in that he will do what he's going to do no matter how I handle what's going on. I just don't want to add unnecessary fuel to the fire.
I appreciate the !!! Knowing you're worth a from someone who doesn't know you is comforting in itself!!!

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I have children fairly close in age to yours and if I were in that situation, I would just suck it up and wait to deal with the problems after the holidays. These problems probably didn't arise overnight and unless there are health or safety concerns, another week shouldn't be too long to wait. It's going to affect your children regardless of when you pull the plug, but if you do it this close to Christmas they will associate the holidays with your divorce.

Try to take the kids shopping, to a movie, to see holiday lights, etc and keep yourself (and them) engaged and busy. The time will pass much faster if you aren't sitting at home dwelling about it and it will give your kids the chance to adjust to doing things with just you and them.

Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon!

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Knowing you're worth a from someone who doesn't know you is comforting in itself!!!

So sorry that you're going through all of this and must really be feeling down, but I was saddened by your last statement. Just because your hubby is being like he is doesn't mean that you are a bad person and deserve affection too. You are a great mom and your kids are very lucky to have you.

Good luck with this. Contact a lawyer in the meantime to see where you stand should it turn to divorce. And do whatever you feel you have to for your children. If you two can work it out for a week great if not then maybe take turns spending time with the kids.

 

[wgwtgb]

Is he dangerous, abusive, cruel? Then you to do what you need to do to make Christmas peaceful.

Are you playing into his games by arguing back? That is something that is within your control and you can ignore his behaviors and not play into his games.

It is hard to say what the right thing to do is.

He is not dangerous, physically abusive, or cruel... I have played into his games in the past. I have not spoken to him, other than texting things about the kids in about 5 days. I find it heartbreaking that he is being like this so close to Christmas, but I cannot control what he does and I realize that.

It is the word 'appease' that sets off red flags for me..... Big time.
That, and the word 'unbearable'.

If it was simply, confront and address these marital issues now or a couple weeks from now, it would be easy enough to say, wait a couple weeks.

But, from what I am reading, I am not so sure.

Honestly, I don't think I have it in me to "confront" another issue. We have had major setbacks that I have tried to work through. I have tried to forgive and forget. Please don't get me wrong, I am not by far, the perfect wife. I can be grumpy and say mean things myself at times, but I truly try to be the best wife and mother that I can. I'm just so and for my children[/I]

 

[wgwtgb]

I have children fairly close in age to yours and if I were in that situation, I would just suck it up and wait to deal with the problems after the holidays. These problems probably didn't arise overnight and unless there are health or safety concerns, another week shouldn't be too long to wait. It's going to affect your children regardless of when you pull the plug, but if you do it this close to Christmas they will associate the holidays with your divorce.

Try to take the kids shopping, to a movie, to see holiday lights, etc and keep yourself (and them) engaged and busy. The time will pass much faster if you aren't sitting at home dwelling about it and it will give your kids the chance to adjust to doing things with just you and them.

Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon!

Thank you... this seems like a very good idea.

 

[focusondisney]

OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

You say things haven't been good for a long while. Do you think you can handle 3 more weeks or so? Will the situation be calm & relaxed? If you can handle things for a few more weeks & there won't be anger, tension, yelling & drama, I'd say wait til after Christmas. But kids are smart. They'll sense the tension & of course, yelling or violence in the home would be really bad for them.

I think how you & your DH handle the whole situation will matter more than when it happens. My sister's ex left her in early Dec. when her kids were toddlers. They were more upset that Daddy wasn't there at all, rather than he wasn't there on Christmas.

You are a great mom for keeping the kids best interests first in your thoughts. Good luck with your decision. Take care of yourself! You deserve a happy life!

 

[okeydokey]

For the next week, enjoy this season with your children. Shower them with love and attention. Truly try to have fun even though your husband is not home. After the holidays, take stock and make the big changes you need to make.

I'm really hoping you and your children have a joyous Christmas. You all deserve it.

 

[fraggle551]

Coming from the child of divorced parents, as long as he is not abusing you or the children, using drugs openly in front of them, or is a severe alcoholic, I would do everything in your power to hold it together until after the holidays & new year. The 3 year old probably won't remember, but if you do anything now, the 9 year old will always associate the holidays with your divorce. Just take them out of the house, go to movies, go to grandmas to hang out, go to a friends, drive around to look at all the lights, go to a museum, just try to keep busy and have fun. Hopefully that will keep your mind occupied a little bit, and keep your kids happy. You are a great mom for thinking of them, and I wish I could do something to help you. You need a lot of right now

 

[Disneycrazymom]

If you think that the divorce will happen no matter what you do the best thing you can do right now is get yourself ready. If you have time off in the next couple weeks. See a lawyer and follow his/her instructions. They will likely tell you to find and make copies of bank and credit card statements. All your joint financial statements. See a counselor or a trusted pastor or friend You need just 1 person to lean on. Now is the time to prepare yourself and make up your mind what you will do depending on your husbands reaction to you standing up and telling him what you want. Be sure you have thought about what YOU want and what is best for your kids. It is possible he could react in several ways. He could suggest counseling, he could stay but tell you to "fix" it, he could walk out. Don't open up this discussion until you are sure you are ready to deal with it emotionally and financially. May God bless you as you try to make the best of the holidays during this very difficult time!

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

I think you should consult and attorney and then move on with life.

If you think divorce is imminent, then he probably does as well. Just have one last "family" Christmas, stop fighting, and start getting busy with getting with the legal stuff.

ITA. The last Christmas with my exH was miserable. I knew divorce was imminent. I kept the peace so my DD would have one "last Christmas as a family". But as soon as the holidays were over, I kicked him out (Jan. 4). It was truly the best thing I ever did. I got a new start on life with the new year! I later met the man of my dreams and we've been together 14 years.

Try not to be sad. Know that your future will be bright and your children will be happier in the long run. My DD has told me a hundred times she wishes I had not waited so long to divorce her father. My DB's kids tell him the same thing about him divorcing their mother. Yes, your kids will be sad in the beginning but in the long run their lives will be much happier. Good luck to you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, we all care about you and your kids!!!!
You sound like person who is trying to do the right thing...

I think you have gotten some good advice here now...
Keep your chin up, keep busy with the kids....

I just love the last sentence from BigBadWolf above.

And, begin to prepare yourself for the black and white, financial, realities of divorce.

I would also be very aware and very prepared to handle any situation if your DH does up and behave negatively, abusively, etc.... Still waters run deep, and if he is quiet and withdrawn and possibly stewing over matters... don't rule anything out.

Again,

And,

 

[wvjules]

If things are that bad then the kids know things are that bad. Why put them through bad "together" christmas? Is DH around? You say you can make it a happy Christmas for them, but can he? If things are so tense the kids will not have a happy christmas maybe you are better off with having Christmas without him and make the best of it.